Real Love

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Stubborn, May 31, 2020.

  1. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Haha! I really enjoyed that commercial! Thanks for the kind words!
     
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  2. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    I knew this was going to be a problem when I started; rebooting during social distancing. So in a way, I guess I've had time to prepare for these feelings. Even so, I haven't felt this alone in years. I've had a string of really tough days and really strong temptations. I'm 25% of the way to my goal. Definitely having a "Remind me why I'm doing this?" kind of day.

    I know why I'm doing this... I just hate everything right now and I'm wasting a lot of time on regret and self-loathing.
    It's my Ex's birthday today. I didn't think I'd be so triggered by this. I fucked that relationship up badly six years ago and I feel like all the processing I should have been doing over the last half decade is happening NOW!! All condensed into too-little time.
     
  3. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Stubborn

    Have you checked out @Rudolf Geyse’s journal? He periodically posts reasons why he shouldn’t PMO. Maybe you could take a page from his book and list up the reasons why you shouldn’t relapse. That might help you answer the question, “Remind me why I’m doing this?”

    One might be what you wrote in your initial post. “I’m absolutely sick of this shit!”

    Take care
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2020
  4. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Absolutely yes! I'm really enjoying having self respect again! I was sick of the way I felt about myself. I was sick of life feeling so dull, like the volume and the colour had been turned down. Everything seems so vivid right now! It's a bit overwhelming but I'm getting used to it!
     
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  5. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Relapse... Fuck... things have been really hard the last few days and it all just overwhelmed me. Trying to stay positive today and not punish myself too badly. This was my first attempt and I made it 26 days. Not quite the 100 I was hoping for but I feel like this journey to recovery is off to a respectable start.

    I feel it's important to be accountable to this community and renew my commitment to make this a lifelong pursuit. I had a setback today but this process is just getting started.
     
  6. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Stubborn

    Exactly. Not sure when you will be truly PMO-free, but it'll happen someday. I for one hope this is the last time for you, and it could very well be! But if it isn't, that's fine too. You'll figure out what type of path is necessary for you to live the type of life you want to live.

    Take care
     
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  7. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    I should be journaling more often than I am. I'm dying tonight. This addiction is speaking so loud it's like sharing my skull with another person! Such a confusing progression. My first 25 days I really thought 100 would be a sure thing! I felt so strong! Then a triggered relapse. Then another one four days later. Every day feels so hard now... I was doing so well.

    I've been afraid to admit something to myself. Hard mode is not enough. I'm sitting here at 9:15 on a Monday evening: drunk, depressed, frustrated and knowing I have to get up for work at 5:30. Alcohol is killing my willpower. Regrets from the past are drowning the optimistic parts of me. I will get to where I want to be but it's going to be a less direct route than I'd hoped. I'm going to have to quit drinking and PMO at the same time, while learning to manage my mind's tendency to indulge in fantasy. Some kind of masochistic, super-hard-mode...

    I'll be seeing my councilor tomorrow for the first time since covid lockdown began which is such a relief! I feel I'm going to need all the support I can get. Tonight's a low night but still, just a little obstacle in the grand scheme.
     
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Good to read you’re going to meet your councilor again. Hope that will really help you out in this.

    Alcohol can be a tough drug to deal with. I’m happy I have it under control now but it wasn’t easy. that said, there is definitely hope. Keep on going in the right direction and things will start looking up for you :)

    “This addiction is speaking so loud it's like sharing my skull with another person! Such a confusing progression. ” Oh man I really know what you mean, I hate that feeling. On some days it just won’t shut up.
     

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