Real Love

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Stubborn, May 31, 2020.

  1. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    I knew this was going to be a problem when I started; rebooting during social distancing. So in a way, I guess I've had time to prepare for these feelings. Even so, I haven't felt this alone in years. I've had a string of really tough days and really strong temptations. I'm 25% of the way to my goal. Definitely having a "Remind me why I'm doing this?" kind of day.

    I know why I'm doing this... I just hate everything right now and I'm wasting a lot of time on regret and self-loathing.
    It's my Ex's birthday today. I didn't think I'd be so triggered by this. I fucked that relationship up badly six years ago and I feel like all the processing I should have been doing over the last half decade is happening NOW!! All condensed into too-little time.
     
  2. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Absolutely yes! I'm really enjoying having self respect again! I was sick of the way I felt about myself. I was sick of life feeling so dull, like the volume and the colour had been turned down. Everything seems so vivid right now! It's a bit overwhelming but I'm getting used to it!
     
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  3. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Relapse... Fuck... things have been really hard the last few days and it all just overwhelmed me. Trying to stay positive today and not punish myself too badly. This was my first attempt and I made it 26 days. Not quite the 100 I was hoping for but I feel like this journey to recovery is off to a respectable start.

    I feel it's important to be accountable to this community and renew my commitment to make this a lifelong pursuit. I had a setback today but this process is just getting started.
     
  4. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    I should be journaling more often than I am. I'm dying tonight. This addiction is speaking so loud it's like sharing my skull with another person! Such a confusing progression. My first 25 days I really thought 100 would be a sure thing! I felt so strong! Then a triggered relapse. Then another one four days later. Every day feels so hard now... I was doing so well.

    I've been afraid to admit something to myself. Hard mode is not enough. I'm sitting here at 9:15 on a Monday evening: drunk, depressed, frustrated and knowing I have to get up for work at 5:30. Alcohol is killing my willpower. Regrets from the past are drowning the optimistic parts of me. I will get to where I want to be but it's going to be a less direct route than I'd hoped. I'm going to have to quit drinking and PMO at the same time, while learning to manage my mind's tendency to indulge in fantasy. Some kind of masochistic, super-hard-mode...

    I'll be seeing my councilor tomorrow for the first time since covid lockdown began which is such a relief! I feel I'm going to need all the support I can get. Tonight's a low night but still, just a little obstacle in the grand scheme.
     
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Good to read you’re going to meet your councilor again. Hope that will really help you out in this.

    Alcohol can be a tough drug to deal with. I’m happy I have it under control now but it wasn’t easy. that said, there is definitely hope. Keep on going in the right direction and things will start looking up for you :)

    “This addiction is speaking so loud it's like sharing my skull with another person! Such a confusing progression. ” Oh man I really know what you mean, I hate that feeling. On some days it just won’t shut up.
     
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  6. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    OK... Time for some sober reflection. I've been relapsing for four days now and it needs to stop.

    I learned so much during my first month here. I'm grateful that I have that first clean streak of almost four weeks to use as a frame of reference! Now that I know what it's like to live clean for a while, PMO feels that much more disgusting! Last night, while continuing to relapse I found I was observing myself almost like an outsider. I became suddenly aware of all the time I'd wasted in my life, not just on PMO but on depression and self-hate too. The bad habits and compulsions that have kept me down, destroyed relationships and left me wondering what life could have looked like. I was hit by a wave of horror and panic. I felt sick.

    My winning streak in June cleared up some questions for me. I now know that my PMO-free self is even more OCD! I didn't think that was possible! Compulsive fantasizing and self sabotage are sneaky traps I'll need to watch for in the future. I also know now that I flatline FAST and I can accept it for what it is. The first time around I made the noobie mistake of
    "checking that it still works." It was great to find that the answer was "YES!" unfortunately, it ruined my streak! Won't be doing that again. I'll also be taking a hard line against porn subs. Maybe a break from YouTube all together!

    These are hard times for everyone. Kicking an addiction on top of everything else just feels crazy...
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2020
  7. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    I've fallen into the habit of only posting journal entries when things are going well or when I'm feeling motivated to make change. I realize when I'm not feeling positively or if I don't have some small success to talk about, I usually don't feel like writing. I pull a disappearing act. This month has been a brutal roller-coaster of relapses. It's about 50-50. Half the days I abstain, half the days I mess up. A week on, a week off. This is so stupid.

    Life is always going to throw shit at us and I know that I can't just wait for circumstances to be perfect before getting back on the wagon. It's not going to happen. That said, things are just so fucked right now and the stress of quitting PMO feels like almost more than I can juggle! Anyway, I don't want to make a habit out of relapsing. I know I'll be back on track soon but there are a few big life obstacles standing in the way. I figure I should get used to journaling during the bad times too.

    I'll look back at this time and laugh.
     
    BoughtWithBlood, Shady and positivef like this.
  8. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    It can be tricky to get back on track and put a barrier back up. Maybe make a strategy for the first week to avoid triggers.
     

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