Re - Reconquering my manhood

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Barneybarn, Jan 17, 2013.

  1. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    I suffer from erectile dysfunction.

    That sentence is the main reason why I have not started my journal yet. It is hard to admit, let alone write down and share that you, as a man, do not function as you should. Or put another way you are not a whole man. Especially not, when you need to be, want to be and have to be!

    Most people do not even say/write erectile dysfunction; they abbreviate it or use a synonym. E.D. does not sound as bad. Well to be honest with yourself you have to at least once admit and say it in its proper form: I have erectile dysfunction!
    So how did I get to where I am today? The worst part is I did this to myself; I watched too much porn to which I masturbated to. One day when I was supposed to perform with a real woman my vice showed the most embarrassing, concerning, troubling and terrifying side effect one could have in that situation.

    I am 28 years old and my story with porn started at the end of the last millennium: the 1990s…
    Due to my parents’ work we moved around quite a lot around the globe. I grew up kind of like an army brat. I actually loved to move around so young and get to know the world.
    First of all I have to say that I had a very happy childhood and I started masturbating and watching porn because it felt good. It was not to evade my bad emotions. I have a very loving family and I can only blame myself.

    Warning: the following text might contain explicit adult material:
    TRIGGER WARNING !!!


    My excessive usage of porn started in 1997 when I move to a new city in a new country and I enrolled in a new secondary school. It was a new class with new people (again) and the dynamic of the whole school was great. It took a few months, but I was also introduced to a (now I say darker but back then I said) more exciting part of our school’s life. We had an “underground porn exchange”…
    Many people had VHS porn collections and the movies were copied and exchanged so that everyone had a (slowly) growing collection of movies from soft core to real hardcore porn. Back then porn was not so accessible, especially not to minors, but when I got my hands on those first movies I was excited and thrilled. Within a year I was regularly masturbating to porn.
    A few years later I moved again to another city, because I did not want to get discovered by my parents I destroyed most of my “collection” (about 15 tapes) and only took one tape (Babewatch) with me. At my new school the “exchange” did not exist. I was stuck with my one tape for a while….
    Till I got my own internet connection (not one on the family pc, not one shared but for my personal use on my own computer at any time in my own room whenever I wanted to go online). I viewed a lot of images and also downloaded a few movies. But I did not escalate back then. After about a month I had a small collection of movies (less than 20) and a few pictures to which I regularly masturbated. I was scared to download more for many reasons.
    The main 2 were:
    1) I was raised religiously and I thought that more porn = more sin
    2) I was also always scared that I might download something illegal or too obscene and was afraid that some image would burn into my brain I did not want burnt in.

    I graduated secondary school and went to university. In the first 2 years of uni I hardly had any time.
    I was working an almost full time job, went to my classes, socialised a lot, studied a lot, cultivated myself with a lot of not uni relevant stuff, did sports etc, but every day I put aside a small amount of time to jerk off to porn.
    After I accumulated enough money that I knew would be enough till the end of my studies I quit my job (I earned really well) and moved to a new apartment (coincidence that they happened at the same time, my landlady wanted to do something else with my flat). I also got the highest speed internet. The first video stream-sites appeared then the hardcore tubesites. I was instantaneously hooked on the novelty; I was actually questioning myself why I did not download the stuff before. (by then my religious views became a lot more lax). Every fantasy was fulfilled within seconds.
    Till now although I was a social guy, was not bad looking and was excelling in most parts of my life I was still a virgin…. I just turned 22 (2006). But then I met this beautiful girl, actually the girl of my dreams and I was determined to lose my virginity with her. She was 19 and already had experience and I was so excited to talk to her the first time, to touch her the first time, to kiss her the first time, to undress her the first time and to have sex with her the first time.
    But my first time was terrible, she had experience but she was not a great fan of sex, it was mechanical and I remember wondering during my first time: why is it not like in porn??? Am I doing something wrong? It can’t be, I viewed enough porn to do everything right.
    I did not cum in her the first time.
    After that I returned to PMO-ing daily, sometimes three times a day. While I was still having sex with her, but because she was never really into sex it was usually once a week. It also strained our relationship that I wanted to talk about improving our sex- lives but she did not want to talk about sex at all. My erections with her started to slowly get weaker. After we agreed on not having to use a condom my erections improved a bit but then about 2 months into the relationship

    FUUUUUUUCK!

    I could not get it up; I had full blown erectile dysfunction.
    We tried a couple of times after that and I could never get it up with her. But I thought it cannot be my fault because I could always get it up to porn. Within a few weeks we broke up and I went back to PMO.
    I met a lot of girls in 2007-2008 and hooked up with a few but a condom was almost always an erection killer. I could never hook up with a girl more than two or three times because after that I could never get it up. After most (luckily not all) encounters I was thinking; I just do not get the fuss about sex, yeah it’s okay but it’s not that great.
    I was also doubting myself and googled everything on erectile dysfunction. Almost everything I found was about performance anxiety and bs about pheromones and mates not being right for each other. On a funny side note I also found a site on inner demons and that erectile dysfunction was a punishment from the devil and from god. Masturbation was almost always (most exceptions were religious sites) depicted as a positive thing. Porn was depicted as normal for guys. I never made the connection that PMO was the problem… My interests never went into hard hard core, but my tastes did alter from blonds to brunettes to Africans to lesbians to barely legal to big boobs to redheads to Asian to European(oh those accents…) and a lot of combination of the above (it was kind of a circle). After a few weeks I needed more novelty than just another girl in a new vid so I moved around in the genres. I think the freakiest phase was my "college fuckfest" weeks.

    2009 was a stressful year because I was finishing up uni, writing my master thesis and volunteering a lot at a local charity. I also squeezed in two internships… at the end of 2009 I started getting close to a woman and in January 2010 we were at my place fooling around, kissing getting naked and I could not get hard… FUCK!!!! This never happened to me before, not getting hard the first time with a girl!
    She ended things the next day and I was just devastated…

    This scenario repeated itself a lot of times (luckily not every time, but almost) since then. I got myself checked by my GP and a urologist, they found that everything was just fine. They both advised against viagra and cialis because they can somehow damage you more, if you are healthy. And according to them I was clearly healthy because I would always get hard to porn
    (GP:” You can always get hard with porn?”.
    Me: “ Always.”
    GP: “Always?”
    Me: “Always!”
    GP: “Then it can only be nerves, do not worry about it so much and it will fade”)

    During the whole time I did not really connect the dots… I googled it a couple of times, found nothing about PIED. I even started 3 reboots unknowingly because of some Buddhist sites I stumbled upon, but I always freaked out at the first flatline and that during my “abstinent” days I could never get it up with a girl.
    My last girlfriend (spring, summer 2012) was the most understanding about my erectile dysfunction but it also took it’s toll on her. Although we really loved each other we were both frustrated and she broke up with me in September. Not my most joyful moment in life. I really made a deep emotional connection with her and loved her and my porn addiction ruined it all.

    I stumbled upon yourbrainonporn.com in December after I googled erectile dysfunction and porn and I set google to English (I am not a native speaker). It was right in front of me all along and it was clear to me only after the damage was done.
    It all made sense and I started my reboot immediately (actually two days before because I was travelling). I have been on this forum since the 14th of December and this is my first journal entry.

    What do I want to achieve with my reboot?
    • get rid of ED
    • to remove that sinister black shadow in the back of my mind about my manlyhood
    • have more energy (curious about this one)
    • be more confident and decisive with girls and a lot more with women
    • get rid of brain fog
    • get rid of shame
    • improve confidence (generally, different than with women)
    • reconnect with myself emotionally
    • improve willpower
    • be more accountable to myself (I always keep promises to others(unless it becomes impossible due to outside circumstances like a car accident) but break a lot to myself)/Put my own needs first
    • going to list more later

    I am now 38 days PMO free, I had a few weak moments where I thought about porn but I never gave into the urges. I now know that there is ultimately no downside to being porn free.

    Hope you enjoyed the long entry. I welcome all comments, constructive criticism, questions and remarks.
    Reboot and rewire,
    Barneybarn
     
  2. ponr

    ponr New Member

    Re: Connecting the dots

    Good job, I didn't read the "possible trigger" section but read the first and last parts :)

    Your ability to abstain is impressive. Good luck on your journey and keep this updated so we can all use your progress as motivation.
     
  3. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Connecting the dots

    I posted this on another thread but also wanted it to be in my journal:

    If you look at the success stories on YBOP (most of them are from this site) the proof is just irrefutable that the whole rebooting process over time works! You always have to keep in mind and I have posted this on a couple of threads that rebooting is a nonlinear process:
    One moment you are thinking great it's working because you can see the improvements the next you are flatlining again and you are totally messed up and confused (the sudden change in mood and well being also do not necessarily help). This can just trigger you to go back to porn. The good thing is that thanks to YBOP and YBR (and a lot of other sites that popped up in the last 12 months) we now know that this is a part of the whole rebooting process. Although not all of us can see it, we all know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    I have to say, that after 39 days I am feeling better than at the beginning, but I had bad days and good days. Generally I am more balanced than before and I am definitely more in touch with my surroundings (less caught up in my own head). The bad days occur less frequently and the good more frequently. But what helped me the most, that the oscillation from the beginning is fading away and I can see the general upward tendency more clearly.

    I think we can all cope with the physiological flatlines but the psychological ones can really shake our commitment (and screw us up)...
     
  4. GizZy

    GizZy Want my boner back!

    Re: Connecting the dots


    I agree with everything you said. I am only at day 9, but it's been a constant flatline from the start. Mood is pretty low atm. I sure hope it will get better in one to three weeks from now.

    I also very much liked your description of beeing "trapped in your head". I havealso experienced this phenomenon for several years and now that I understand it, I really want to get rid of it. I hate it, that I am connstantly thinking about thinking and not actually doing something or using my mental energy to think about something in a constructive manner. Often times my mind wanders around the same subjects over and over, forming the same questions and sorrows without ever reaching any solution. I do have the impression that this circle can be broken through by sports and to a lesser extent alcohol. I then feel like a completely different person. So yes I hope in three weeks I'll be a bit more balanced, too.

    GizZy
     
  5. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Connecting the dots

    @ponr, thx for your support btw. I do not think that there are any triggers in my first entry but better be on the safe side than to trigger someone into relapsing :D

    @GizZy, I cut back alcohol massively, and I know that this also helped me with balancing out my overall well being(phsychologically). At the moment I know I should do way more sports (usually go swimming on sundays and thats it). This is one of the things I will sort out this weekend (have to do a lot of planning for the next few months and get everything schedueled and organised). I have to reintegrate sports into my life so it has to be scribbled into my calender (this way I will less likely rescheduel or push it back) and I have to keep myself accountable (prolly going to ask an old college (girl)friend to help me with this).
     
  6. GizZy

    GizZy Want my boner back!

    Re: Connecting the dots

    Have you seen any improvement ED-wise. Or did you get morning wood and/or spontaneous erections?
     
  7. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Connecting the dots

    I had morning wood (75%) in the second week every day (even when after napping). Then I flatlined hard.Both physiologically and psychologically. Sexual stuff were just not really on my mind and my dick was dead. The sexual thoughts gradually returned. I started noticing women in my surroundings and hornyness was not uncommon But physically I was still dead till this week. This week I had morning wood every day(80-90%) and spontaneous erections but there is a disconnect between my brain and my penis (I do not neccessarily get erections when horny or vice versa). Going to write about this in the next couple of days....

    The erections quality is great and I have not had such strong erections without porn for years....
     
  8. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    Day 40!
    I reached 40 days of no PMO! Looking back on the last couple of weeks, I did have some moments where I thought about relapsing but keeping my goals in mind really kept things in perspective and except for a few hours of whining to myself it was easy (especially after I stopped the whining).
    There are a lot of positives I have noticed:
    I am more focused
    I am more balanced
    I notice women in my surroundings I would not have noticed or did not notice before and I appreciate their beauty
    I look at women less as a sexual object/ I can connect with women better
    I am more daring in going for a move with women
    Confidence is improving and cut back alcohol consumption at parties significantly (fun without alcohol)
    Morning wood is back as of this week and they are impressing
    I get spontaneous erections

    What I expect to come and what still needs to be improved:
    I have to rewire! I somehow have this disconnect between my dick and my mind. I made out with a girl on Thursday and I was rock hard. When I made out with her yesterday I was totally flacid.
    I seem to get erections during the day (had 3 or 4 this week) but without any stimuli or thoughts. Like Thursday afternoon I was doing some financial modelling work(believe me it's really boring stuff) and out of nowhere I had a massive erection. If I had got up from my desk everyone would have seen the tent in my pants.
    On the other hand when I see a really hot girl (and I mean smoking hot) and interract with her (and sometimes also have some horny thoughts) sometimes I get a "tingly" feeling down there (not neccessarily in my penis but in that region) but most of the time nothing. Being horny and having a "tingly sensation" are disconnected.
    Sometimes I catch myself overthinking the whole thing. That is what I meant about getting rid of those sinister black shadows in the back of my mind about my ED and manhood. But it is way less than it was before I started to reboot.

    I will keep going strong. Reading some of the other journals really helps. So keep posting guys and thank you.
    I know I have a long way ahead of me but I know the reward lies at the end of the tunnel.
     
  9. GizZy

    GizZy Want my boner back!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    Looks like a solid reboot to me. I can totally relate to your sinister thoughts. I too wish that one day this whole story will be a thing of the past, maybe a foolishness of youth (well that's too optimistic perhaps) and that I don't regret anymore.

    Great to hear about the concentration and self esteem!
    Would you say your erections a 100% or are they still weaker than before?

    another 20-30 days and you might wanna think about rewiring, who knows?

    GizZy
     
  10. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    Accountability!
    I am lying in bed with a huge hangover and an impressive erection, just checking in here so that I do not start stroking myself. MO is just not worth the setback!
     
  11. GizZy

    GizZy Want my boner back!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)


    Get a couple of cold ones! (showers I mean)
     
  12. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    A couple of cold ones caused this massive headache :D
    I just showered. Only showered cold in the last 30 sec.
    At the moment I am just physically slaughtered but I am very content with how the reboot is going, especially the quality of my erections!
    Have to go hunt now for food, aspirin and coffee!
     
  13. Covert Addict

    Covert Addict New Member

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    Thank you for sharing!
    I am glad to hear that you are already seeing some big changes. That's what keeps me going, feeling that I'm restoring myself in so many ways.

    I also have these spontaneous erections that doesn't seem to be triggered by any sexual thoughts. Quite often they seem to show up when I'm sleepy. (Some daytime version of morningwood?).

    Good luck man, I'll keep checking in to follow your progress :)
     
  14. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    Wet dream for the first time in years! The dream was not about me PMO-ing (like a lot of other guys on the forum) but it did have weird elements some of which I find concerning. In the dream, I didn't put a condom on because I was afraid of ED. I ejaculated prematurely but during the dream I thought to myself that I'll take a mild case (actually almost any case) of PE over a severe case of ED anyday. There were also some pronographic elements, but mostly it was very vanilla.
    I am taking this as a good sign. I do hope that it (especially the orgasm) will not set me back or send me back into a flatline. But even if it did it would all be a part of the reboot and would only cost me a little more time. To get rid of ED I'll take the time and I'll keep going on!
     
  15. Reginald

    Reginald 34y/o____________ STICK 2 THE SCRIPT

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    (I'm Day 56 NoP/M)

    Hey dawg, I just saw you joined the 40 DAY AND ABOVE CLUB. HELL YEAH, that KICKS ASS. Good work!

    About this:
    Sheeeeit, you remind me of me (see journal in signature).
    Remember, they always say, "A Reboot is not linear." So don't expect to see unreversed 'progress' always. I think it's good that you're not getting boners when talking to hot women. LOL.

    The real 'test' is when you're getting naked with one.
    But even then--check out my journal-- you may just need some time to acclimate to each chick.

    EITHER WAY, I love seeing other guys racking up time of NoPMO!
     
  16. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    I know, but I see it a little differently now, everyday not PMO-ing is progress. Even if a flatline was around the corner I'd welcome it because that is the way to recover. I still have a long way to go and intend to (and will) keep fighting.

    THX for all the support!
     
  17. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    Accountability!
    I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now! I need to become more accountable to myself, prioritize and put my own needs first! I also added this point in my first entry!
    I am a very reliable and trustworthy when it comes to work, firends and family but when it comes to my own goals and projects (things I only do for myself) I sometimes fail miserably. I am also more forgiving when people do not keep their word to me (although I do make a mental note to not ask certain people to do certain things).
    So my new resolution is to be more accountable to myself.
    Besides the reboot I decided to do the following things:
    • Restart my slow carb diet (Tim Ferris), I quit in December
    • Start working out again (mainly cardio to lose weight and improve endurance)
    • Drink less alcohol (almost none), this will be hard as in my social circle and many work events alcohol just flows
    • Stop smoking (now this is an addiction that is hard to kick)
    • View less TV shows (I hardly watch TV, but I keep up with a lot of TV shows I watch on streaming sites) also less movies
    • Read more consequently (I read a lot, but I do just put books down and read something and pick the old one up days later)
    • Stop procrastinating (hence less TV shows), I am the king of getting things done at the last second. If it was something only for me I’d push it indefinitelly

    I think that discipline and will power are important. But the most important is owning up to myself and kicking my own arse when I fail myself or procrastinate with stuff.
    Anyone with insight on this? Or having similar thoughts/problems?
     
  18. GizZy

    GizZy Want my boner back!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    Hi Barney,

    No I have no insights on this, except that I'm large at prcrastinating, too. But with your kind permission, I'm gonna do a list of my own in my thread. You come up with good ideas! Don't be too harsh though, 97% of people will have a pretty similar list, so that's ok.

    GizZy
     
  19. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    "There is nothing new under the sun". "Use your eyes plagiarise" :D I also took the list from somewhere else :D
     
  20. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Re: Day 40! Reconquering my manhood (ED, 28 years old)

    http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/
    Saving this here to read later
     

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