Rat in the attic

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by A New Man, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I think this is true. Sitting with it rather than running away also builds some kind of resilience or at least familiarity with the feelings, and assurance that bad feelings will turn around/go away soon enough. In the beginning i overreacted massively to the lows which made them seem much worse. 2 nights ago I had a WD and sure enough i felt very low today... But you know what? When i'm feeling like that people seem to react very warmly to me. I don't know what causes it. Perhaps i just feel or appreciate their warmth more in that state?

    I dunno, i was pretty unsociable before the reboot and finding Pema. I don't think it's because i'm a certain type of person, i think it's because i got rid of some habits that were obstructing me from connecting with people. The main ones, which i've mentioned here a hundred times, were thinking of men as rivals and women as sex objects... "Ditching the ego" has been key, especially for interacting with men.

    The wife was away this week. She usually takes care of the kids from dinner to their bedtime, so i did that as well as the usual stuff. It went fine, and the house was pretty organized when she got back... But she jumped down my throat because the cat's water was low and i left an outside light on! It was bizarre, but thankfully i know what to do with outbursts like that now... (file under T for Two Year Old).
    Thelongwayhome27 and Gil79 like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your wife realized that the family coped just fine without her, which made her feel jealous and unneeded. I can clean up the kitchen until it's sparkling and then have my wife mention how filthy something else is. Yes, it is the two year old acting up - it's old wiring.
    A New Man likes this.
  4. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Yeah, ditch that ego! ;)

    I always feel that, pretty much without exception, that going out and socialising feels better than staying by myself.
    Our society seems like it's functioning in a way that maximises people's social isolation. tv series, youtube, video games, and most of all social media, I believe, is doing more for isolating people than bringing them together.
    All of those fine are of course fine in moderation, but the ego isn't about moderation either, is it.
  5. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I have worked very hard to not see women as sex objects. Seeing men as rivals is something I didn't really recognize. However, I can see how I do that. The shame and low self worth I carry has me looking for ways to hope I am superior to others, not just men.
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  6. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    You're right, i used to build my ego up in every way I could, looking for compliments from women, being overcritical of just people I saw on the street. With men it manifested in the whole alpha/beta mind game, which guys pick up on very quickly, and it makes communication almost impossible. Since i realized what was happening it's been getting better. At first i noticed other guys stuck in that mindset and used that to feel better about myself (haha, ego is a fucking snake, twisting everything into something it can use) but these days i seem to be noticing it less and less in other men... "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are" as they say.

    It's been about 2 weeks since i wrote on here. Been busy with work and that campaign I mentioned. We are having some success and will get what we want. It will be a matter of months, not years. I attended the Climate Strike yesterday. I wasn't sure why I attended, but standing in the crowd i realized i was there for my kids and to show them i was at least trying to do the right thing. I am not hopeful we can turn things around, but you gotta try.

    In the crowd there was a young lady stood next to me. She was wearing leggings that left very little to the imagination and i had one of those "Holy shit look at dat ass!" moments. I must have started breathing heavily because she started to move away from me lol. Two days ago I saw some porn on a website i landed on for my work. For the first 2 seconds i didn't even clock what it was, then I looked at it for another 3 seconds in a pervy kind of way, before closing the tab. I was shocked because the action was definitely harder than I remember from 2013, the time I stopped using regularly. Porn is evolving and it's getting more and more fucked up. Of course it is- users' thresholds are getting higher, they need to keep pushing the boundary. Thank fuck I am clear of it.
  7. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Since my last post i have been drawn into another campaign- climate change. I don't want to talk about it too much on here, because I know people have very polarized about it and this isn't really the place for that. It's emotionally very hard and i think i'm going through a kind of grief at the moment. Knowing Pema's stuff has been helping and it's a great circuit breaker for strong emotions, especially her Tonglen practice (essentially breathing in the bad and breathing out the good).

    Haven't had sex in a while but touching my wife more just around, showing more physical affection.

    School holidays have just ended so less time pressure overall. I've got some small tasks i want to do around the house before the weather gets too hot.

    I haven't been around here much lately because of the campaign and work etc but often think about you guys.
    Thelongwayhome27, Gil79 and Saville like this.
  8. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Thanks for reminding me about Pema. I needed that.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I guess the other way around? Or is there some thought behind it?
  10. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    It sounds weird but i find it really helps to shift negative emotion. It worked so fast i almost fell asleep.

  11. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Summer break coming to an end. It has been very eventful. Lots of ambient stress floating around because of the monster bushfire season we are experiencing. There was also a bit of a Christmas blowup in our family when a relative hit one of my kids and I had to set him straight. Xmas has been a relapse hotspot for me over the years, and i am grateful and proud that i've been able to navigate these challenges without relapsing this year. The Buddhist practices I have been incorporating of staying present, shutting down ego and negative self-talk have been the key.

    Today we attended a large event at a Buddhist temple and i had a long conversation with one of the nuns, discussing climate change, local government and national politics. I felt very at home wandering around the temple and chatting to people. I have never felt that before in a religious buidling.

    Long trip to make tomorrow through smokey areas. We'll keep on top of the fire reports so should be okay.

    Happy New Year my brothers.
    Gil79, Boxer17 and Mad Dog like this.
  12. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Any of you guys garden? I know Saville does and Bobo I know you own some land.

    I'm really getting serious about food security atm with the bushfires here being so bad, watching permaculture videos by the hour. Here's a great video that draws a lot of ideas together, from Buddhism, climate adaptation and permaculture.

    Gil79 and Pete McVries like this.
  13. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Look for Geoff Lawton videos on permaculture on you tube. His are excellent. I took a course with him online. I learned simple unrefutable facts and I have been gardening for 40 years. What you want to do ùis very smart!:)
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2020
    A New Man likes this.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    In my garden association there are some die hard permaculture people. Their garden is amazing and I am always open to their advice. Some things make sense to me, other things don't. Gardening is always a matter of trial and error. It depends so much on your soil, pathogens and animals that like your crops that live in your area, hydrology, etc. and the time you can invest. Just start, try out what works for you and enjoy :).

    Terrible those fires in your country btw :(
    A New Man likes this.
  15. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Are you alright? Hope you're still going strong. 500+ days is an inspiration for sure.
  16. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I walk down the street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I fall in.
    I am lost… I am hopeless.
    It isn’t my fault.
    It takes forever to find a way out.

    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I pretend I don’t see it.
    I fall in again.
    I can’t believe I am in this same place.
    But it isn’t my fault.
    It still takes a long time to get out.

    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I see it there.
    I still fall in… it’s a habit… but,
    my eyes are open.
    I know where I am.
    It is my fault.
    I get out immediately.

    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I walk around it.

    I walk down another street.

    Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, Portia Nelson
  17. Sebs

    Sebs Member

    Hi man, thanks for writing, i hope we can stay together in this figh
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  18. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Recently I did something which I want to share with you guys, just because I think it shows how small changes can have surprisingly big differences in our lives.

    We’ve been wanting to buy an EV for a while now, but because I’m in Australia EVs are expensive and many companies don’t bother to export all their models to us.

    Finally we are in a position to buy one, but EV supplies are low, we’d have to wait 12 months even if we ordered one today.

    So 2 weeks ago I decided to rig up a wire basket onto the back of my bicycle so I can ride down to the shops and not worry about CO2 emissions. I found the stuff I needed in the hardware store and it wasn’t that hard to attach. It looks like a DIY job, but at least this way no one will steal it. ;)

    The day after, I realized I could use the bike to ride across the city to some cool shops that I rarely visit, again because I don’t want to generate carbon emissions.

    So I headed off down some quiet roads and 8km later I was in the second hand bookshop. As it happened everything was 50% off that day, so I walked out with 16 DVDs which cost me $8 and several books. On the way home I stopped into my favorite Chinese restaurant and got my favorite dish.

    My legs ached a bit after the 16km ride as I haven’t done any serious exercise for years, but I felt better for it, and there was a sense of adventure heading across town on unfamiliar roads. Riding a bike also allows you to notice stuff, in people’s yards- I am very interested in gardens and especially food growing these days.

    Three days later I really felt like going out again. This time I looked at google maps before going and checked out shops within 10km of my house. I came across another second hand bookshop and decided to check out an Indian grocer on the way back, as I have been planning on cooking Jalfrezi chicken from first principles.

    This other second hand bookshop had the biggest collection of fantasy genre books I had ever seen, and I happily spent a whole hour in there, checking out all the stories and looking for new ones to try.

    It turned out the prices in the Indian grocer were half the price at the supermarket. Groceries are getting expensive here lately with the war in Ukraine and the cost of fuel going up, so this was a big deal… The spice shop next door had everything I needed to cook the curry, plus loads of cool stuff I had never imagined, so I came home with food, including dates, and the makings of a curry. This time I took a different route home and learned more about my city.

    Last night I made the Jalfrezi curry and my wife was very complimentary. That was nice, but I’ll be honest with you… I cooked it for myself! I learned some years ago, when starting this NoFap journey- you’ve got to do stuff for yourself, because a wife’s approval and disapproval is like the weather- way too fickle to rely on for your happiness. At least that was a problem for me.

    So two weeks after the simple act of attaching a basket to my bike, I’m feeling fitter, know my city a bit better, I have some new books to read, am saving money and am learning how to cook curry from first principles. And best of all, I’m excited to get out there again and discover new places!

    I could have been doing this for years, but I fell into habits, of driving places, and then not driving places, because of the environmental dimension.

    Glad I broke that habit of always taking the easier option.
    Gil79, Mozenjo, StarWarsFan and 4 others like this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I absolutely love your post, ANM. Great to hear your voice again.
    A New Man likes this.
  20. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Cheers Saville. I think I was channeling you when I wrote it :D I'll check in again soon and write a bit more about the actual reboot side of things... its not really something I think about a lot these days- not saying I don't have addiction-related challenges sometimes, just the broader context is different.
    Saville likes this.

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