Rat in the attic

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by A New Man, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Intriguing. Does it feel like it was the relapse that stirred up some hormonal balances? Wonder if there are other ways to do that. Also reminds me of what I have read on transforming sexual energy. It seems that if you learn to get that energy out of your genital area, you also feel energized and more creative. Maybe different ways to describe the same thing (hormones/neurotransm. and energy). I started doing some of those exercises and already had 2 occasional interesting experiences.

    Will be quite some deforestation in your area the upcoming months I guess:D
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  2. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Yeah Gil, i should look into it more- if i could have this kind of energy and enthusiasm all the time it would be... amazing! Relapsing is a pretty miserable way of going about it though and is playing with fire.

    Astronauts spot unexplained bare patch in Australia. That's me in the middle.



    @Squire once asked me what Australians were like. I think that picture pretty much sums it up.
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  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

  4. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    It's strange how that energy tends to manifest in different ways and it is true that girls around us seem to be able to sense it.

    Which is just another of a hundred reasons to preserve this energy and to be mindful about it.
  5. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Had SO 4 days ago. It was good, no sign of ED although starting with morning wood, as usual. I fantasized during it- got to take responsibility. That was a mistake- the ideal is to be completely in the moment. Next time I won't fantasize, even if it means DE or no O. I don't know why I am so eager to O in the sack anyway- i can go weeks without it now, so what's the big deal?

    The sports season has finished. I'll miss it. Coaching the kids was fun, and good for me. It taught me a new level of patience, and selflessness.

    I've been coming by to read journals but haven't felt much like posting. I've been feeling down- there's been sickness through our place, but also the aftermath of the FMO relapse last month to contend with.

    Anyway kids are happy and wife is happy(er) so just keep doing this.

    Actually one thing that is different is I have cut back my sugar intake substantially. It has subtle drug-like effects on me, craving, a kind of rush and then distracted state of mind afterwards. Certainly I work better without it.

    Hope you're all going strong.
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2018
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  6. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Good to hear you're still going strong.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just a thought. Could the sugar cut-back have made you feel down?

    Anyway, hang in there. It seems that it is a matter of time for you to start feeling better again. Crazy that you still feel the effects of the FMO. But that must reinforce you to stay on this path that you have been walking for such an amazing time already.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  8. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    <MILD TRIGGERS FOLLOW> So this is a bit interesting- last night i had some sex dreams, but unlike any i've had before it was all from first person perspective, and the focus was completely on sensation rather than visual. I was dreaming of fucking an old girlfriend (who i never fucked irl) and the sensation was amazing.</MILD TRIGGERS>

    Before the reboot sex was just another way for me to get off to fantasies- i used to run porn visuals inside my head and my wife's pussy might as well have been my own hand. Basically all the sex i had before the reboot was with myself. This is a new way of experiencing sex, with the focus on sensation and being with the other person. This is a huge, unexpected benefit of the reboot.

    Today I've had some strong urges to look at porn subs (not actual porn). Now, at the end of the day, I am starting to get a sore throat and headache. So often out-of-the-blue urges are connected to illness.
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  9. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Holy crap i pushed myself hard today. We're redoing our front yard which involved digging up the lawn and trying to avoid the watering system underneath. A few weeks ago i got rid of the tree stump and poisoned the grass, but spring is here and the garden guy thinks we should plant soon. I'm crook (head cold) and yesterday my kid said to me "Daddy, you said you'd do an hour in the yard every day until it's done". I said "Yeah, but I'm sick". It sounded lame at the time. Anyway today i took a bunch of painkillers and worked like a fucking madman, and now it's 75% done. The reboot has taught me to push through discomfort and to not make excuses.
  10. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Not much to report. Haven't had many urges to act out now i'm back home. I have been getting that "thunderstruck" feeling when seeing certain women around (certain moms when doing school pick-up :eek:), but without a routine of fapping or fantasizing, memories of these women fade pretty quickly.

    There are times of day when i am still vulnerable to fantasy- when waking at 3am and unable to sleep. Now i get up and work on my hobby/side job rather than lie in bed. I don't even have to be stressed about work or family stuff for that time of day to be a problem.

    Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day. The guy is coming to our place to lay out the plants for the front. We've been working hard on getting rid of the grass. I broke a few pipes in the process so the job took a week longer than it had to... I even broke some of the pipes twice, after knowing they were there! (i feel a reboot analogy coming on). One nice thing about being outside has been seeing neighbours walk past and chatting to them. We have new neighbours on one side (several young men) and i feel i know them well enough now to talk if needed.

    Haven't been listening to much Pema lately. I feel like i have taken on board a lot of her lessons about ego and not spinning off and this is helping me stay clean. Anyway it is time for me to make it a part of my routine and start attending a local Buddhist center. It's only an hour a week, so surely i can swing it.

    Missing the presence of Saville, 40New30, Squire, Gil, Trapped. It sure is quiet around here lately. Strength to you guys, and anyone else who reads this.
  11. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Wife was in another city for two nights this week- i woke up at 4am on the first night and did some fantasizing for some reason. I got up and worked and that fixed it. Not sure WHY i woke up at 4am, maybe stress of her absence, work deadlines coming up, uncertainty about the future (we may have to move cities, depending on the outcome of her trip).

    The kids were well-behaved in her absence. I think they were consciously making an effort to be good to help me out, but also i am stricter than my wife, and when she is away they can't ask for a second opinion. I also discovered my 6 year old can't brush her teeth by herself yet! With kids you need to step off and let them figure stuff out, or they'll let you do stuff for them forever (certainly this is true of my youngest).

    On Friday i had the morning off so I spent 2 hours removing chunks of concrete from old pavers. Have any of you done that job? I found it fucking hard, and i broke my hammer trying to get the stuff off. Anyway when the wife got home i told her i wasn't going to finish the task because it was too hard (I only did about 10%) and we could buy new pavers for a couple of bucks each. She was clearly not impressed with my lack of commitment, and said huffily "I'll do it then...". Now I don't want to disparage the fairer sex or nothing, but if i can't get the concrete off there's no fucking way she's going to. In the past I would have taken the bait and said "No, no, you can't, I'll do it", but this time i just said "OK..." On reflection this is one of the techniques she uses to get me to do what she wants- shaming me into doing physical tasks. She's a very independent, strong-minded woman, but she's not beyond using a bit of gender stereotyping to get what she wants. She has since agreed to get new pavers, without lifting a chisel.

    Not really sure what to make of Saville's absence. I think he's been recovered for a long time and mainly coming here as a community service. His support has been amazing and i learned a lot from him, about what proper support looks like- but the fact is he doesn't need this place any more for his own recovery. Also i think i was taking Saville for granted- he was on here every day, supporting guys, laying down wisdom, and I came to expect it and maybe didn't appreciate it enough. As usual I've been reading all the 40s journals on here, but i struggle to post anything meaningful or helpful. When Saville was around that was OK because he said what had to be said and better than i ever could. He did the heavy lifting on the journals of guys with bigger demons than most- he was there for them especially. Saville won't have stepped away for some vain, egotistical reason, but because he thinks this community needs to grow in his absence. What that means is, i guess, reaching out to each other even when we feel we have nothing to add or inspire, because we all have a hell of a lot in common, even if we don't always see it. So don't be surprised if I come by your journal and say something self-evident or ill-timed... It's just me trying (and sometimes failing) to be a better human being...

    Hope you're having a great, FAP-free weekend.
  12. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Thanks for your great post @Raskolnikov . Work is crazy right now- I'll reply to your thoughts properly when I get a moment.
  13. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Last 2 weeks have been crazy with work and school holidays. Finally today my kids went back and my project was delivered.. so i could do more work in the yard. Haven't had sex in a few weeks but i'm getting regular wood. Life (kids mainly) is getting in the way, so often the wife and i are just too tired to want sex. Anyway that's how i feel.

    Had some mood dips during the holiday with all of the stress of work etc but didn't take it out on the kids, thankfully. I organized a bunch of playdates for them to keep them out of my hair. I had 7 kids over at our place one day last week and still got work done- once you reach 4 kids the volume level doesn't change that much if you add more. I should start charging, to cover the cost of bread and ice cream.

    Reboot-wise nothing to report. I've started doing more exercise after a hiatus caused by shoulder injury. The buzz i got after my first swim was ridiculous- seriously, like the glow you get after good sex.

    @Raskolnikov I've been thinking about your comment that I might have been patronizing my wife. The gender roles in our house are not very traditional as i work from home and look after the kids and my wife is the main breadwinner. The division of labor is pretty even, although she lets me do all the driving and heavy DIY work around the house- in these ways we are very conventional. But you're right, in these two situations I probably do make assumptions about her strength and ability to do them. The difficulties in my relationship with my wife and my pmo addiction were an ugly twisted up knot- one feeding off the other. By removing the pmo the knot is slowly but surely unraveling, but a lot of the old dysfunction (and cultural baggage) is still there. Thanks for pointing it out, these things are hard to see by ourselves.

    I just realized I am 2 years pmo clean today. Porn no longer has its claws in me, but fantasy and acting out are still a danger.
  14. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Kudos for reaching two years, where I am today making one year would entitle me to call myself wise.

    We are all wise and have our own thing to say. I could spout rubbish, and so long as it did not trigger the reader to mo, if it causes someone to think and grow it has done the job.

    Surely we settle into our individual roles in all relationships. I like to think that if I am using gender stereotyping at home it should be an alarm that I am allowing emotion to blur my focus. Not that I see it like that at the time.

    My wife might have the strength to remove more concrete than me, if she understood the dynamics like I think I do, I expect instead that she would hurt herself or break the pavers.

    Soar well, heres to more clean days to come for all of us.
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  15. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Thanks Heron.

    Some ways of thinking are unhealthy and make us much more likely to trigger (racism is a good example). I don't think i'm sexist, but there must be some programming in there from growing up, unconscious assumptions about what my role as a man is that mean i can be sexist. It's good Rashkolnikov called me out on it because next time i might question myself. Like Pema Chodron says, "make a study of all resentments", and i was certainly resentful about the pavers thing.

    Woke up yesterday at around 6.am after an aborted wet dream about fucking my wife- luckily she was awake and up for it- holy crap the sensation was intense. That's what happens when you consciously turn off the spigot for weeks on end- the body still needs it and if the planets align (wife in the mood, kids still in bed) you can have a memorable shared experience. Didn't fantasize at all- which i'm happy about. It was a good way to celebrate 2 years.

    The chaser was pretty intense this morning, fantasies kept jumping into my head, so kicked myself out of bed to break the spell. The chaser's a real thing- probably served some biological purpose back in the day ("Hm, available sex, must have more sex, quickly!") but it's a danger zone for the addict and something all guys need to be mindful of at every stage of the reboot.
  16. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    This is very true- it resonates with my readings on Buddhism. Pain is a bridge connecting us with other people. It is the doorway to compassion for other beings. The Buddhist idea of "sitting with" unpleasant emotions and not escaping them is completely revolutionary in the modern world with all its distractions.

    I've been working on a project in our front yard on weekends and on slow work days. It is almost done now. I have been looking forward to this final part, as opposed to the backbreaking work shaping and reshaping the dirt. I was even feeling a bit proud (uh-oh, danger zone) of the accomplishment, and the fact my kids will get to enjoy it and also my wife... which is why, when i mentioned that it was almost complete and she said "Well it would have been quicker to get people in..." it felt... not very good. The next day, as i did another day of backbreaking toil, her words echoed through my mind, and basically all the pleasure of finishing the project was gone. In the past such a comment would have sent me into a tailspin, but it hasn't. I'm no longer surprised or undone by the wife's sharp tongue. It's just a fact of life. It could be worse- she could be her mum, constantly berating her dad... considering her genetic predisposition i've gotten off lightly.

    One very good thing to come of this project is I now know my neighbours.
  17. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Today i was feeling very down for some reason- thankfully i now to see these ups and downs as transitory and don't get too carried away with them. I have another project in the garden so I just spent the day working out there. At lunch I had the choice to eat junk or properly- I asked myself "What would healthy ANM do?" and ate the real food. If i'd eaten the junk i'm pretty sure it would have made my mood worse. This evening i told my wife i had a terrible day, feeling bad for no reason. She offered me a massage, which was nice. Now that porn is not an option i am forced to seek comfort in other ways- by reaching out to others. I also look forward to seeing my kids after school on days like this, because it's impossible to be stuck in your own head when they're constantly demanding your attention.

    When i started this journey i called myself A New Man. It was the enthusiasm of a new break, a new beginning quitting porn promised. At the time i didn't realize just how much change was going to be needed to quit- that i would need to become a new man in order to quit. That was 5 years ago. Now i'm 2 years clean, i look at who i am- how i think, how i relate to others, what i do with my time, and i think i can say with honesty and accurately that i am a new man. Quitting porn has been part of that, but the biggest transformation occurred when I discovered the ideas of the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron. Before that i was going cold-turkey but not really healing. I haven't relapsed to porn since finding her (although i did relapse to fantasy last July).

    If you're struggling to quit (and who doesn't?) my advice is to keep looking for new ideas, new approaches, to keep quitting and keep looking until you find that thing that really speaks to you. For me is was Pema. My ego was out of control and making me sick. For my first 3 years in YBR, i just used it as a place to record my thoughts. That was a big oversight. This place is an amazing resource (shout out to @Wabi-sabi for his amazing journal and all the resources he brought to the community). @Saville's approach to his relationship with his wife was an eye-opener and an antidote to my subconscious Nice Guy tendencies. My relationship with my wife has never been better, largely because i don't let her dictate the script any more. That doesn't mean i'm part of the Me-Too backlash, just saying in my relationship, in my tiny corner of the planet, i'm not giving my power away any more.

    Not sure where this post is going or what the purpose of it is. Just rambling a bit at the end of a bad day. Looking forward to tomorrow- kid's sport is always fun, chatting to other parents, morning tea at a good bakery. You know, normal dopamine level life.
  18. MichaelPat

    MichaelPat New Member

    Pema Chödrön... Thank you for that reference. Nice resource.
    I appreciate having new places to look for some alternatives.

    Hope your weekend is (was? I'm never sure if oz is a day ahead or behind us) good.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks ANM, really inspiring post. Just what I needed.
  20. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    It's 4.30am. Got up to get a drink and come post here. No need to tell you what I'm not doing instead.

    Cheers MP. That weekend turned out well- hectic with kids activities but very positive on the whole. My youngest did something she had been worrying about for months (got up on stage). She looked very worried but went through with it anyway. I was so proud of her that day.

    Had sex with the wife about 10 days ago. I didn't feel like it to be honest and i had some mild DE- i fantasized to finish, which is never a good thing. Having said that she is always a lot happier after sex and she seems happier overall lately.

    Like a lot of people i have been worrying more and more about the environment lately. I think having kids and talking to them about it has intensified that feeling. Anyway since i last posted here I learned that private individuals can offset their carbon footprint by buying carbon offsets. I knew companies did it, and you get offered to offset your carbon when you fly here, but i didn't realize it was something just regular people can do. Anyway for around $60 I offset my carbon for a whole year! The UN has been criticised because people say offsets are a way of shifting responsibility and not changing behaviour, but what if I'm already doing my best to reduce my carbon? Then surely the offset will be meaningful. Here is the link if any of you guys are interested-


    I'm swimming more lately. Last time i went to the aquatic center there was a major sporting event. <TRIGGER WARNING>There were loads of fit young people in swimming costumes. I minded my own business, but at the end of one lap i stopped for a breather and three young women in skimpy swimming costumes were bending over, getting stuff out of their bags right in front of me. The old addicted part of my mind was like "YEAH BABY!!!" but the executive control took over and i kept moving. Funny thing is, during my PMO days I may not have even noticed these beautiful young women because they were still wearing clothes.</TRIGGER WARNING>
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