Rat in the attic

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by A New Man, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Thanks for your post trapped. I keep coming back to it and rereading it and it's been helping me a lot.

    I'm doing better now. Part of the problem was i was out of practice fighting urges. My mood improved a lot on Thursday after a good sleep and that has helped with the urges too.

    You're right about there being so much more to lose than the things i mentioned. I guess it's hard for me to perceive and measure the improvements when they occurred so gradually and when my mood is low the tendency is to think "i feel bad now, so what difference has it made?" I suppose if i was still PMOing regularly these rough patches would have been so much harder, or maybe i would not even have noticed them in my PMO induced haze. That's life though and the more we let ourselves experience it without a filter the more joy we can feel when things go right.

    Last week as i was sliding off the rails i had any number of options i did not exercise- i could have called an old friend (3 old friends contacted me recently out of the blue- maybe the universe was trying to tell me something...), i could have gone for a swim, i could have watched a movie- any of these things might have snapped me out of it, but the tunnel vision had set in. Actually a "tunnel" describes the experience pretty well.

    A new development is my wife has bought us both fancy new smart phones. Two years ago my addict self would have been rejoicing but now i'm just wary of it and leave it turned off most of the day. I'm so grateful i found YBOP before getting a smart phone or my life would have really ground to a halt- i would have been watching porn literally everywhere.

    I owe you trapped. I don't know where you are exactly with the reboot right now- but the same rules apply as always: install blockers, zero fantasy, exercise and get loads of sleep.
  2. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    OK, so there have been some developments.

    <Yucky medical stuff alert>

    I PMO relapsed 3 times since my last post (I think, it’s all becoming a bit of a blur). Twice last week, on Tuesday and Wednesday. Each session lasted about 30 minutes. After the Tuesday session I noticed my semen had a kind of yellow brown tinge. The next day I noticed the semen was pink colored. I also felt some discomfort in my “pipes” after- I think I have an infection or something. I couldn’t get in to see the doctor last week but I have an appointment for this Friday. I suspect my prolonged abstinence (18 months) has caused some kind of prostate inflammation.

    Yesterday I relapsed again, 30 minutes, and semen was yellow/brown again, so the doctor’s appointment is definitely called for (on the internets they say these things clear up by themselves but I’m not taking the chance).

    I was so determined not to relapse after last week’s incidents, but did anyway.

    Looking on the bright side it was a good thing I relapsed or I might never have known about the infection/issue.
    </Yucky medical stuff alert>

    It’s a tiny silver lining on a very dark cloud. The brain fog was massive after last Wednesday and it took 3 days to clear. I was still getting morning wood but emotionally I’ve started to feel disconnected from my wife and kids again.

    Some reflections on the relapse:

    - It was 7 days after the previous one. The previous one occurred 7 days after the one before that etc. The pattern is there.
    -The relapse followed alcohol the night before, waking at 5am with a hangover and fantasizing for half an hour or so before falling asleep again. That primed me for autopilot mode later that morning.
    - The relapse occurred after a very stressful week at work. I am usually not prone to relapse during stressful events, but in the days following them.

    I have forgotten a lot of the knowledge I built up during my early reboots. In this early phase rebooting needs to be my No. 1 priority every day. Yesterday I kept sitting in front of my computer because I had work to do, even though the temptation was triggering me massively. I had prioritized work above the reboot, and should have simply walked away. Also I haven’t been planning activities into my day to make sure I’m always busy. Today I have. Finally I need to set up K9 in such a way that uninstalling it will be difficult/impossible. I don’t know much about computers, so please no one try to educate me. If I relapse again I will ask my wife to keep the password and nominate her as my Admin email meaning she will get notifications if I try to uninstall. This commitment frightens the shit out of me and will serve as a good deterrent.

    This morning I did not get wood for the first time in ages.
  3. Panonymos

    Panonymos Humility is a virtue

    I 've had yellow tinted semen for many years. Some times more than others. The urologist told me it is normal, nothing to worry about. It also had a strong smell.
    Since I quit PMO the last 7 months or so, I never had yellow semen again! Not once. It is exactly the color it is supposed to be. Now the smell is also much softer. Almost nice. My new girl loves it, my ex (during my PMO years) hated my semen.
    Even when I go 2 months no O, my cum is the color it is supposed to be.
    IMO, masturbation and edging causes some kind of mild inflammation. Probably mostly edging. Not abstinence.

    My amateur guess is that your semen turned yellow because of the two edging sessions the two days prior. And alcohol also might have something to do with it.
    I never masturbate anymore. It 's just boring and a waste of time.
    Even when I have a lot of sex in 2-3 days, my semen stays the good color.
  4. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    My experience has been different- always white until i started rebooting- But i did notice my BO changed. I had less BO and it was sweeter smelling when i wasn't PMOing. This might explain the positive attention from women- who knows?

    During my long stretch i didn't get how guys could say "one day at a time" because the weeks just flew by. Now i totally get that. Right now every day i finish clean is an achievement. Yesterday was carefully planned and worked out. I also realized i need to program some kind of leisure into my day, like watching comedies or reading comics, for some healthy dopamine. Last reboot I did something similar but I thought of it as a time-filler. Life is quite stressful at the moment because of my kids’ ages. They are both talking and the bickering/noise is almost constant. It's tough adjudicating trivial stuff all day without losing my cool. So yeah, it sucks at the moment but it will pass, and then i'll probably miss it because that's how my contrary brain works.

    I’m going to check in here every day until I hit my stride again.
    Doofus likes this.
  5. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Saw the doc on Friday. He said he’d do a urine test and bloods because that’s best practice but these things usually clear up by themselves. I think he’s hoping it’s a urinary tract infection so he doesn’t have to shove his finger up my bum. Haha.

    Trouble is if i don’t masturbate for a very long time I won’t know if I’m better or not. I’m starting to think scheduling a wank (no P or fantasy) every month or so might be for the best, to make sure I don’t have an infection or other problem.

    The urges have died down for now, but I’m expecting some over the next few days (day 7 and day 12) because that’s been the pattern lately.
    Had a curious dream the other night where I was sitting at the dinner table with an enormous erection, then went down into a basement (we don’t have a basement) and talked to an old man or “technician” about how to control libido. Unfortunately I don’t remember the conversation.
  6. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Well I relapsed again and I’ve asked my wife to be the guardian of the K9 password.

    I looked at P yesterday with my family in the same room and got up at 4am to look some more. This morning I relapsed properly. I can feel the addiction gaining momentum. I even considered not following through with my commitment to give the password to my wife. If I didn’t give her the password I would have really overstepped a line (last vestiges of self-respect) and the addiction would have truly made me its bitch. I feel like I’m fighting back.

    She asked me what it was for and I said “I don’t want to see some of the images that come up on google search”. She hasn’t asked the obvious question (why not?) and I’m hoping we don’t have to have “the talk”. Either way I felt incredibly free once I’d emailed the password to her- I thought “FU addict brain! I’m bringing the Big Guns now.” It will be almost impossible for me to access P now. All the other devices in the house are shared family devices and I just can’t bring myself to use them for P.

    I know it’s a band-aid solution and I still need to do the hard work of fighting urges and improving my life…but the technicalities of organizing a relapse will be a lot harder overcome now.
  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Just wanted to say congrats on that step, you're admitting that this addiction is strong as all get out…it is. Hope you're doing well today :)
  8. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Cheers 40New30. I am a bit of a coward and involving my wife is harnessing my cowardice.

    Had a breakthrough the other day- the wife and I had evening sex (or sex as we went to bed) which is something we hardly ever do because of my ED (as I keep mentioning, we always use morning wood). It wasn’t arousal wood in the true sense of the word because I had to M a bit to get hard, but once I was there it locked. I am surprised to have had this success on the back of my recent relapses- I was afraid that the relapse would set me back to zero, but turns out it didn’t.

    I’ve read some guys recommending a wank to kickstart the libido after a prolonged abstinence. I wonder if the relapse didn’t have that kind of effect on me.

    God I was miserable after the last relapse though. Brain fog for 2 weeks, depression, anger- it all came back. I can barely function when PMO-ing- no wonder my life ground to a halt in my thirties.

    The prostate bloods and “finger up the bum” test came back negative. It’s good to know that prolonged abstinence has not caused any problems- and it means I won’t have to “test” every now and again because it’s a very short, steep slope from MO to PMO for me.

    I’m not on the board much these days, trying to keep all thoughts of sex and addiction to a minimum.

    I fucked up big time- thankfully my dick didn’t get the memo yet. The gains are proving resilient.
  9. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Withdrawals are a bitch, they hit me about day 20 - 30 and last for too damn long, I'm coming out of it a little, but still dealing with symptoms and I'm around day 55.

    I can bet mine won't die down for another month or so…well fuck it, I'm going to plow right through it! You will too, my man.
  10. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Past time for an update. Christmas was a very bad time- we went back to our hometown, surrounded by family and friends and I immediately started acting out with my new phone, sitting in the lounge room browsing through as much porn as I could manage for hours and hours. At night I would fantasize for hours on end and edge too. By the end I was O-ing daily, sometimes twice daily, and my brain was fucking fried. Obviously there is something about that environment, those people and those associations that leave me vulnerable. I’m not blaming them, it’s just something in me, some immaturity that needs to change.

    Since leaving there I’ve relapsed one time only, around day 10.

    Some reflections about the relapse. After 3 weeks of acting out and edging I lost most of my gains in terms of sensitivity. We’ve had sex twice since coming back, the first time resulted in PE and the second time I noticed serious loss in sensitivity. Bummer. So now I know how much porn and masturbation it takes to destroy those new connections. It’s not all bad news though- it did teach me how much I had gained (what do they say, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?) and how fucking messed up I am on porn. The contrast was like night and day.

    So I’m sitting on around day 10 again- not sure exactly when. I’m back on the wagon now but probably won’t be posting a whole lot. Not that I ever do.

    This time round I’m going to try a different approach. My last reboot was based in my ego- I would prove how strong and how exceptional I was by quitting first time. It didn’t last because that kind of mentality is not healthy and is probably connected to the reasons for my addiction in the first place. I need to build on a stronger foundation. I hope meditation can help me to unlock some of these deeper truths and build some real resilience.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  11. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Nice job getting back on track, relapses will happen to most of us, try to figure out what went wrong and fix it :)
  12. Dizzy

    Dizzy 50 years old and pullin' out of the porn world

    No, it's not so much that it's more exciting as it is that it's easier and the situation is always under control and you're always the king-pin. It's the plastic fakeness and the easy win that sucks us in, IMO.
  13. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Easier yes. More suffering though. No exception. All flees from reality will be paid once the sedation leaves. Unless you flee even more from having to pay for it.
    And then the cycle of suffering and sedation goes on, untill the not-so-easy steps are finally made.
  14. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    hope you're still doing alright.
    as you say meditation is a great asset, I strongly agree with that. Also, a good foundation for doing recovery is incredibly important.

    I'd go along with what you said about actions being based on ego, and that in general if we emphasize our ego too much, or chase whatever it is in our life for the sake of ego-gratification, recovery included, it's usually a bad idea.

    I've done it too in secret (hehe, 200 days, 300 days, whatever I'm so amazing it's just great).

    It's ridiculous. It's probably much better to stay humble, try to developing a strong foundation again and focus on helping others in our lives, instead of worrying about how great we are or are not.
    Which reminds of when Eckhart Tolle describe that ego work in the other direction as well... as in "I'm so pathetic, I can't do anything right, everyone I know i better off". Well at least, you're still special in your mind. The world doesn't value how great you are, so you're special because endure so much suffering.

    Anyway, let's focus on what's important which is life itself, connecting with others and definitely not our ego.

    take care
  15. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I'm around 90 days atm, not sure exactly. Last relapse was shithouse and pathetic as usual. Wiped me out mentally for a week or so and libido vanished for a good month afterwards. I am so sick of this fucking addiction and what it does to me- that's my motivation for the current streak. Tiredness of who I am when acting out. Gladly I don't have to conjure up motivation every day as i'm in a kind of groove/rut atm, maintaining it by avoiding lustful thoughts and looking away from attractive women. I'm getting the "lock" back in my erections again which i'm happy about although i haven't had many opportunities to rewire or be intimate with my wife recently, mainly because she is not in the mood or other reasons. I wonder if she is punishing me because she knows/senses the relapse and is trying to trust me again.

    Since the new year I have started a new business and am doing things way out of my comfort zone. I am highly educated (i've been overcapitalizing my slightly above average IQ for years) and people around me wonder why i would start something completely new and not requiring higher education halfway through my life. I am ignoring them and pouring my NoFap mojo into the new venture. It is going OK- i realize now, half way through my life, that nothing will happen unless i imagine it and make it so. My mantras lately have been "Manifest" and "Off the rails".

    The addiction is real and is always there waiting in the wings like a dark angel. But if i compare my life now to my life 2.5 years ago when i learned about No Fap i see that Fapping no longer has the same grip on my life and is no longer "business as usual" for me.

    Just keep fucking going.
  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Congratulations on 90 days, locking erections, and getting that new business up and running! :)
  17. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    <Triggers (if you're into that kind of thing)>

    I slipped up 4 days ago, around day 100. I'd been ok, not having to fight urges or anything, but I woke at about 5am on the edge of orgasm after a very explicit porn dream. It was basically an aborted wet dream. I lay there for 30 minutes, cock not going down, half asleep, drifting in and out of fantasy/dream state. In hindsight i shudda got up and had a cold shower, but instead i got up and looked at porn for 30 minutes. I was in danger of a big relapse later that morning so spent it in the garden doing physical work, but when i came back inside it was pretty much a foregone conclusion. The session lasted about 30 minutes so nothing too serious- the day after i had to fight like a sonofabitch to not relapse again (chaser)- kept telling myself this can be bad or it can be REALLY bad- i know from previous experience that day 3-day 7 is usually alright but days 8-12 are a danger zone. If i can navigate that (deflect urges) hopefully i can go again for another good stretch. I'm not beating myself up too bad about this- just need to stay mindful- the wetdream thing was just bad luck- i haven't faced that kind of thing before (physically a perfect storm) in previous reboots so hopefully i can learn from it.

    I figure this thing is a long term project- it (rebooting) may be something i am doing for years to come. The key for me is not allowing relapses to wipe out all the gains- edging destroys sensitivity and looking at porn makes it impossible to maintain an erection without looking at porn or fantasing. In my experience it takes about 2 weeks of constant fantasizing/porn/PMO to wipe out new nerve endings/plumbing. Once they are gone it only takes the occasional session to remain at the bottom of the trough.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  18. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Yeah, it's always a trip of consciousness to not beat yourself up afterwards but at the same time not be so mellow about it, that you allow another 'quick look at some porn before you really quit again'…

    At the same not, when you wake up in the middle of the night with an almost orgasm, maybe next time it's easier to just allow yourself that one. To clean the system. Dreams could be considered natural. Like being in a relationship.
    Just an idea.
  19. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Stay strong, 30 minute relapse won't unravel everything, but a full binge with really set you back. In my experience it took about a month of binge relapsing to feel like I was back to square one. You're right though, a few long binges and you're back in the shit.
  20. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    I think one of the hardest things to understand about this is that we are addicts and we will be recovering addicts for the rest of our lives.

    Two years ago, when an experienced rebooter who was abstinent for 2,5 years told me this my first reaction was "yeah sure, no no no no it's going to be a messy affair of a few months and then I'm done with it."

    By now we should both understand that that's not the case nor will it ever be. We can't cure the addiction. We will stay addicts and we won't be able to entirely cure it, we can only _manage_ this addiction. By that I mean absolutely no acting out.
    By doing so we can completely rid ourselves of its negative effects. But the potential to relapse will be there. Even 30 years from now. That bit is hard to understand, even as I write this I'm having trouble to fully grasp this.

    However, the longer we abstain, the easier it gets, that is one truth with this addiction as you know.

    You went for 100 days. That's an amazing achievement, don't forget that! Since summer I haven't been able to do more than a month myself.
    If you haven't encountered post relapse triggers and urges you probably will soon - you know that too. Use whatever tools you have at your disposal.

    Good luck, as for me I'd do well to act on my own advice.

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