Rapha's recovery thread

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rapha, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    It's one of those periods where work is quiet, I'm home alone and have nothing to do.

    However, I'm feeling a renewed sense of positivity. Generally things are moving in the right direction but I'm aware a lot more needs to be done. I'm in a sexless marriage and it's painful for me to even think about this. I quite often block it out but maybe talking about it here will ease my burden and spur me into taking action. Harsh but painful reality is better than unhelpful, comfortable delusion.

    I was watching a fictional TV show yesterday and observed how casually people have sex and how comfortable they are in themselves. It felt a world apart from my view of my own sexuality and my lack of confidence. On some level maybe I think I'm unworthy of having sex. In my head I've made up various excuses why I can't do it. I've always considered sex to be shameful, perhaps because of messages I received when I was young. I need to face my insecurities head on and believe in myself. The focus for the next few days will be on learning self acceptance, acknowledging that sex is natural, healthy and nothing to be ashamed of. Reducing anxiety, learning methods to overcome PE.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  2. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    In my last post I mentioned that I have a lot of free time and that I'm frequently home alone. I need something to keep me on the right track therefore I am putting together some form of life vision over the next few days. This will provide me with some purpose and direction and should be particularly useful when I'm bored at home with nothing to do. Due to the personal nature of my vision/goals I may not post it here but will keep it on my computer and refer to it as often as I can. All my energy will go towards fulfilling this vision and moving to achieve the goals I have outlined for myself. My vision will involve how I'm going to approach key aspects of my life e.g. work, play, relationships, and taking greater control of my finances. It will also involve planning ahead a couple of decades and thinking about my retirement and future travel plans.
  3. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Sometimes feels as if my wife and I are strangers. Increasingly she doesn't seem to want to be in the same space as me. If I'm downstairs she will go upstairs on her laptop and vice versa. As stupid as it sounds I don't feel totally relaxed in her presence. I need to work on re-establishing a connection with her before she further alienates herself.

    Spent a few days putting together a vision for my life. Still a work in progress (it's harder than it sounds). I've extracted from this vision a couple of goals that will become my main focus over the next few months. I won't attempt lots of goals at once as it will be overwhelming and unproductive. My focus at this stage will be on improving 2 specific areas of my life, namely sex and money.

    Establishing sexual intimacy is the big one. I have to learn how to overcome problems/barriers such as feelings of unworthiness, PE, performance anxiety and a myriad of other excuses I've used. Hiding from these uncomfortable truths won't make my problems go away. I have to face my fear of failure and build confidence.

    Improving financial security is my second goal. On some level I fear success and self sabotage. I have a stress free job and I work for myself but my earnings are well below average. Therefore my focus in this area will be to start believing in myself, to think big and put forth the necessary effort to improve my finances.

    There's no point stressing about little things. The goals I've set above are both important and these will become my primary focus from now on.
  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Boy that is always a tough one. Do you want to be in the same space as she?
    Do you wish to reconnect with her?
    If the answer is yes maybe courting her once again can reap rewards
    I know those can be hard questions to ask oneself.
    I've been married 44 years and I know sometimes a house can become very small :confused:
    All the best to you sir
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018

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