Rants of an ex addict

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Yoda, Dec 4, 2018 at 9:34 PM.

  1. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    31 White Male, Porno user since I was young. Once heavily addicted, now I cant imagine relapsing because of all the frustration I went through. Porn honestly disgusts me.

    I'm here to journal my life after I have hit bottom.

    Its funny how I would have traded anything to quit porn. For the most part I did. I lost my job and now only work part time. About to go into debt. I have no 5 year plan to speak of but am now making one up. Dating life consists of 1 chick who its probably not going to work out with. Social life died as friends moved away. I lost my religion and faith in God.

    But I am rebuilding now. Its difficult. It's a lie that stopping gave me superpowers. It merely made me wake up to the nightmare of my life. Porn was an outlet for my misery, you cant run from it.

    So yeah here is me rebuilding after the hurricane that was porn addiction.
     
  2. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Update: Pretty sure I'm now down to dating no one. This has to be the lowest point in my life.

    Lets list the positives in my life

    I'm not a bad looking dude or out of shape. I have my own apartment and newer car. Great family and the new friends I am making are fantastic.
     
  3. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Leaving porn is 5 year plan, best of the sort. Things work itself out.
     
  4. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Ive left porn and I don't see myself going back. Ironically it took almost 5 years after the fact I wanted it out of my life to overcome.
     
  5. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Yoda, I can completely relate to what you say about the superpowers. I wonder whether this is just a placebo? I was pretty sure that I had superpowers too about three weeks into recovery and then was brought back down to reality soon afterwards. That was over two years ago, and I think this was just initial enthusiasm fuelled by the promise of other guys recovery accounts, like an artificial high. We have everything to gain by stopping porn use but its about rediscovering our true potential by investing our energy in doing worthwhile things. When we remove our drug of choice, we have to face a lot ugliness and suffering and we have to take responsibility for both learning to exist with inevitable suffering and tackling the issues that cause us to experience it unnecessarily. We are not transformed into superhumans, though,for some of us, it seems that way because porn has been a terrible parasite in our lives that has voraciously consumed our energy and eroded our self-esteem.

    Am I right in thinking that you are one of the old-time members of this forum? I have been a member here since 2013 and I think I remember seeing you about. It might have been someone else with a similar user name.

    It is good to think about the future and what you want out of life. In my experience, as someone who has been long term sober, my disgust towards porn comes and goes. It always has the potential to come back if you are not looking after yourself and living life according to your values.
     
  6. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Thank you for your comment it means a lot at the moment. Especially as I look at the mass amount of rebuilding I have to do.

    It feels like while its finally out of my life like a natural disaster came by and destroyed my house (If I had one). And this girl ghosting me was a tree falling on my car. I say this as I come back to a dating enviorment which seems alien to 5 years ago. What was even happening when I was somewhat under control and had some quality girls I fucked up with. Thats only one area though and one of the least important at the moment, but never the less ita a kick in the balls. She is actually was one of the things that helped me get sober. Well she didn't thats not fair to say. Being distracted sexually while also having some form of a successful streak. I beat this thing and looking back she was not the most interesting girl. But my compulsive thoughts got channeled into her. Never being creepy but just agonizing of what she thought without her knowing. A rollercoaster of emotions. Which I now realize was just me dealing with withdrawals.

    I am indeed one of the older members of the forum. I would come back and forth as I tried to quit. Feeling deep shame when weeks worth of progress would go out the window because I lacked self control. I guess since I'm rebuilding it seems like the perfect time to help with doing so. While also analyzing what is often the most neglected part of overcoming this addiction. By that I mean the rebuilding

    But here I am rebuilding, thanks again for your support
     
  7. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member


    Always remember though, you have done brilliantly in becoming sober for such a long period of time. If you can attain that difficult achievement, you are well placed in taking the next steps into recovery.
     
  8. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Day 1

    Rent due, time to give most of what little savings I have left. I need a full time job. The current job I have is not with a no name company and actually offers upward mobility. Its also important to note I was fired from my other career earlier this year. At which point I decided to switch careers. But also instead of dealing with my emotions I repressed them. Spending months jacking off whenever I felt sad. I need to pass a test. Which is brutal and expensive. But it is also what it requires to get a foot in the door.

    My first step is getting something full time job wise and frankly owning up here is gonna be important. I am also working on my 5 year plan and will have it done by Friday. I will also give some free time to friends and church this weekend.
     
  9. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Day 2

    Good habits are forming as I do them everyday. Its painful to form healthy habits to be honest. But after overcoming withdrawal pains its a lot easier. I wake up to a motivational video, take a cold shower, write down my goals and study.

    Goals: Build Website
    Pass Exam
    Full time Job, not two part times
    Build 5 year Plan

    It gets easier… Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.

    Night

    Man I killed it today. I'm tired but its only 10pm. Ive just got this feeling I have so much I want to acommplish and I dont have enough time in the day. But at the same time I pushed hard today. I just want to wake up and push.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2018 at 10:45 PM
  10. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Day 3

    The dark half of me is not used to working this hard, by dark half I mean traits we often see as invaluable. But you have to embrace your dark half or it will manipulate you from the shadows.

    I was woke up at 1am for a brief period very upset and crying. It was mainly based on fear of change, I disarmed it and reassured myself this was being done for a reason. Pain caused by the uncertainty of life is unavoidable. It is better to swim towards your goals than be swept by the currents.

    Goals
    Build Website - Studying everyday
    Pass Exam - Jan 7
    Full Time Job - Dec 21
    Build 5 year -Finish Today
     
  11. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Day 6

    First two years of my 5 year plan are done but its difficult to see so far ahead. I'm feeling meh but I'm trying to push past it.
     

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