RadRacing's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by RadRacing, Aug 27, 2020.

  1. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Hi all, I'm a porn addict and I want to recover and live a fuller more satisfying life. I'm starting today by following the steps outlined in Noah Church's book and will progress from there.
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  2. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Church's book recommends step 4:
    "Purge. You have a sexual history, even if you are a never-been-kissed virgin. Write it down in all of its brutal specificity, no matter how grisly, embarrassing, or pathetic parts of it may be. You need not describe each romantic encounter in erotic detail, but if you leave something out because it shames you then you are cheating yourself out of the benefits of this step. The writing process will serve as an introspective journey into your past, and when you finish you will have a better understanding of your own story and how you became the man that you need to change."

    I'm 42 and have been essentially obsessed with pornography since the very first time I saw pictures of naked women in a damp rumpled old Playboy magazine that was kept communally stashed in the woods behind the neighborhood elementary school. I'd guess this would be around age 9 or so. My family expressly didnt talk about sex so my education about the matter came from TV, movies, and the like. I have an older brother 2 yrs older and one side of my family has a very strong history of alcoholism and depression including at least one suicide, the other side seems to have a pattern of mental health struggles as well.

    As a kid (somewhere around age 10-11) I did experience some sexual experimentation with my older brother, who had heard classmates tell him about various things including manual and oral sex. At the time I dont recall ever thinking of it as something that shouldn't be done within a family setting or even a same-sex setting, it was just curiousity combined with a total lack of information to fill the gap. We were discovered in the act by my father who was extremely upset and concerned in the moment, I recall a deep and intense shame as we each insisted that we weren't doing anything inappropriate. After that night it was never spoken of again in our house. Around a similar age i also recall some experimenting with girls as well, a close friend / tomboy would let me kiss her and we showed each other our private parts. Also a close family friend around the same age as me convinced me to experiment with french kissing and some caressing in a neighbor's hot tub. Generally in my house though, I steered as far away from the subject of romance and sex as possible. All the way up until and through middle school I generally propagated the idea that I was completely disinterested in girls and romance whatsoever, although the opposite was true. I think I had the idea that my parents wouldn't approve or that such things weren't appropriate for kids, [probably the result again of the total, vacuum of conversation about the subject in my house].

    As a kid I was popular, very successful in school, and actually had a number of girlfriends. I was curious about trying to learn and experience things physically with them but as mentioned before I had acquired the notion that sex and sexuality were things to be pushed down and certainly i had the idea that sexuality was something girls naturally resisted or tolerated, not something that boys and girls experienced equally and were equally curious and interested in sharing with each other. So, i developed a bit of a pattern where the girls I really truly liked and were attracted to I put on a pedestal and treated like princesses, never daring to offend their sensibility by pushing too far or even letting my own interests come to the surface. On the other hand, girls who I perceived as "lower-level" I could be free to be very direct, selfish, and sexually very forward with. The result was that I had some a number of largely superficial "relationships" with very pretty popular girls and in between did a lot of experimenting or quasi-hooking up with less popular girls.

    This dynamic of de-sexualizing highly desirable women to avoid offending them or embarrassing myself while at the same time "using" women I saw as less desirable to fulfill my sexual curiosity and needs is something that I think definitely has impacted my porn addiction and many of my romantic relationships. Interestingly this included my daily / multiple times day MO habit, where there were some girls in my life that I felt ok fantasizing about only to a point, then I would have to switch over to other, less pristine girls for the more graphic parts of my fantasies and orgasm. It also resulted in some behavior that looking back on now feels very cringey, like hooking up with a girl and then suggesting that we shouldn't tell anyone about it, which for me was purely an attempt to keep my own social status from suffering if word got out that I'd been with someone I didn't think was the same status. Or beginning a relationship with a girl for the express purpose of hooking up, assuming it would be clear to the girl that I couln't possibly be interested in anything else with them given our different social statures. Those girls deserved a lot better from me. And I probably assumed my social status was a lot higher (and theirs lower) than we actually ever were in reality. I don't feel great about this dynamic, but there it is.

    I went away to a very prestigious boarding school for HS which was largely an incredible experience for me. There were a number of very good teachers and role models who taught me many lessons in character. I missed home a little but the experience of adventure was so positive that it never weighed me down too much. With a bit more personal freedom and privacy, i expanded my porn use into magazines and vhs videos. In retrospect it doesn't seem like my use was particularly problematic at the time, but I can very clearly recall being FAR more interested in porn magazines and videos than most of my peers. I had a few relationships, one pretty serious with a girl who professed a deep religious faith and a commitment to abstinence. Perfect girl for me. We got pretty close and I had very strong feelings for her, but my angel/slut dichotomy simply would not let me ever make a physical move on her, even as the relationship had developed and she was clearly signaling that she was interested in at least some physical activity. We were able to vaguely joke about sex, masturbation, etc. but never really open up to each other in person. One summer for a care package while she was a counselor at a remote wilderness camp I lovingly baked her homemade cookies and boxed them up with a pack of her favorite sodas, a love letter, and a paperback copy of Penthouse Forum (she had revealed to me that she dug written erotica) and a super graphic male porn magazine (looking back it was almost certainly geared toward gay men but I didn't quite catch that at the time). She loved the package and we joked about its contents all the time but even with that level of openness, I still couldn't move myself forward with her. At the very end of our time together, our relationship all but dead, I finally found the nerve to take off her bra and touch her body. I loved the experience, she said she loved it too, but we were all but broken up at that point and nothing happened from there. Months later on spring break together, we were close to hooking up but she got so drunk that she literally went unconscious at a restaurant table and had to be taken home.

    I had sex for the first time at the very end of HS with a very cute girl that perfectly personifies my struggle with the angel/slut dynamic. She was smart, funny, a bit alternative, and since she had come to the school as a post-grad senior far after the social system was reasonably firmed-up, she was generally on the fringe along with several other girls who came to the school later in the game. We were friendly all year and we had some light hookups but I was nervous about going too far with her since I didn't see us getting into a seriosu relationship and she was also older and definitely more confident and experienced sexually than me. On one of the very last days of post graduation senior parties she made a move and there we were.

    My porn issue really took off in college, which was when I had my first private computer and internet access. I had one roommate who was pretty disinterested in porn and could take it or leave it and another roommate who seemed as obsessed as I was. interestingly, the roommate who was similarly inclined actually had a ton in common with me. We played the same sports, were built similarly, has very similar school backgrounds. Posting now to save, to be continued.
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2020
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  3. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Fall of my sophomore year I met the girl who is now my wife. I fell for her head over heels; my experience being with her was so incredibly different than anything I'd ever experienced before and all of my senses told me, this is real, this is it. She has an unbelievably disarming genuineness and sincerity that just makes me feel incredible inside. She is relentlessly herself no matter the consequences and I've been in love from the get go. Somehow her sincerity, her ability to communicate openly, and her comfort with her own sexuality and the perfect natural-ness of all sexuality quashed many of my normal instincts to put a girl like her on a pedestal. At around the same time I accepted the fact that I was in love with her, she made it clear to me that she wanted us to be intimate as well. By taking the lead and being clear about what she wanted for us she probably saved me from emotionally wrapping her in bubble wrap and slowly starving the life out of our romance. Our sex life was and has continued to be incredible. She is incredibly sexy, very passionate, she loves sex, and we've had some amazing sex over the years.
    At the same time, I never really stopped using internet porn. She happened to catch me a few times which was incredibly embarrassing and I insisted it was no big deal. Through much of my time in college however, I was basically with my girlfriend, playing sports, getting completely blacked-out drunk, or if not doing any of those things, using internet porn. Even my fraternity brothers noticed how deeply in on the porn thing I was. When time came to hand off the fraternity's massive collection of vhs porn for safe keeping during some house renovations the choice was unanimous - I was the undisputed keeper of the porn. I also violated some trust however within my relationship. Despite how well things were going, I started interacting with my old HS gf on the sly via emails and some phone calls. Going back to my old dynamic, now that we weren't in a relationship anymore, i felt comfortable being totally transparent with ex-gf about my sexual desires and curiosities, much more so than I was comfortable doing with my real gf where there was real risk of judgement or rejection. Somehow parts of this behavior came to light and my real gf and I managed to work through it, but it was a blow. I also completely hid my rampant porn use. Our earlier brushes when she discovered me watching online porn made it clear that she didn't approve at all of the behavior but I certainly wasn't interested in stopping. In classic fashion I buried my true desires under a facade of idealized perfect caring gentlemanliness. Once when we watched the movie American Pie in the theater I had a crisis. The scene where he exchange student discovers the boy's porn stash and takes a moment was wayyyy too much like how I was secretly spending my time, i was terriied of betraying how switched on it made me, and it just triggered a total panic response. Short of breath, heart pounding, i made it through the movie but walkking through the mall afterward. my gf correctly realized I was in the midst of a full blown panic attack. Good to know, only I couldn't admit why...

    After college, I moved in with my girlfriend and started navigating the adult world. After taking some time to get the lay of the land in the working world, i figured out a way to have each of my two work locations think I was working in the other location, and instead I would stay home all day while my wife went off to work and surf porn. After getting engaged and as the wedding. neared, my panic attacks returned. i felt like the telltale heart in the story, laying awake all night under the crushing weight of my lies. I was terrified I was tricking her into marrying some idea of who I was but not who I really was. Somehow I got my nerve up and confessed the bulk of my sins which made a massive mess but at least let me feel better about owning up to what was going on. She was devastated and deeply hurt, which was really hard for me. She hung in there and we went to a therapist who helped us think things through. Despite fits and starts and numerous therapists, I never found a way to truly quit the porn behavior and frankly could hardly even gather the will to try.
    As my professional career has grown, I've pretty much continued to devote a large chunk of my time and effort to surfing porn one way or the other. When our kids came along it wasn't viable to surf porn at home, so I rabidly chased down chinks in my company's internet protections to get a fix, becoming proficient in searching half-words, foreign language searches, blogs, etc.
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  4. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Over the years and based on various catalysts Ive gone to see various therapists, only rarely ever opening up and being truly vulnerable about what it is that has brought me there. I have attended some SLAA meetings, even going so far as to have a sponsor at one point, doing some of the 12 step work. But most of the time my results have been hindered by the fact that I just haven't been able to muster the willingness to fight through the urges to view porn and to be vulnerable and open enough to admit how deeply i crave it and how scared I am of facing reality without it. At some point I grew weary of taxing my "recovery" efforts were on my marriage and how much my wife's instincts try to tell her it is somehow her fault, and the resulting need to constantly reassure her that my struggles aren't somehow due to her or some shortcoming of her's. So, at some point when asked how I was doing with the pron I just said I was great, no problems, and essentially since then I've been hiding my behavior and struggles, and straight up lying on the rare occasions that I'm asked about it. I don't like that, but at the same time I really just can't see how i can open up to her about how bad off I am without truly hurting her and also having to take responsibility for my actions.

    I am convinced that just the time alone I've devoted to porn has come at an incredibly high cost to my professional success, to my income and financial stability, and to the quality of my relationships. On top of that, I 100% experience the emotional and psychological symptoms that the experts say come along with obsessive porn use like depression, apathy, emotional numbness, distractedness, irratability, hypofrontality and severely damaged executive function, lack of self esteem, self doubt, lack of confidence, keeping others at arms length to protect from vulnerability. Worst of all as my own boys approach adolescence I am afraid of creating the same information void that I experienced and that helped make me vulnerable to this path. I abuse alcohol regularly which has become a bit of an issue in my marriage, I am working with a therapist currently and we have put some strategies in place to manage the drinking, which has helped for sure. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and take stimulant medication for it. I sometimes wonder if the work on dopamine and the "expectation of reward" dynamic and its interaction with porn behavior makes the medication better, or worse, for my porn addiction. Despite the huge struggles I have, outward appearances are very good. I have a huge income, a nice house, cars, boats, etc. In my job I have almost complete autonomy and one of the only things that could ever irretrievably wreck my career, reputation, and family, is if I were to be discovered to be surfing aggressively inappropriate porn all the time, which I do almost every single day up until this point despite the risk to myself and those I love. This is a risk that I recognize rationally but emotionally I blow right past it every time.

    Since quarantine began and I am working from home with almost no oversight or accountability and at most a few hours a day of truly accountable time (scheduled calls with clients and team conference calls) I have devolved into bingeing on porn almost nonstop. I have created dozens of burner email addresses, accounts on various porn sites, twitter, tumblr, insta, etc. In post-binge shame I delete all the accounts and swear off porn, only to be back almost immediately. I have sat at my basement workstation bingeing on porn way past my actual work hours while may family marvels at the prodigious amount of work I must be putting in, it is actually the exact opposite. All of my work, from the tiniest tasks to important long term strategic decisions of large financial importance are being neglected by me, left undone so I can bingesurf porn, racking up dozens of open tabs, accumulating so much porn even I don't have it in me to actually watch it all.

    This week I have relocated my work space to a slightly less isolated part of my house in hopes of switching behavior. Instead I spent a full day yesterday downloading content on a massive scale. With a clearer head this morning and a determination to change, I deleted the entirety of it - my computer said I deleted a total of two hundred thousand(!!!!!!) files, all downloaded in a single day, the day before. As is common with porn addict behavior, the content of the porn has also tended ever more extreme. Taboo content pushing through and beyond what I know to be acceptable, moral, and even legal. With any semblance of sa clear head I see that I'm not even into the stuff, save for the fact that it is extreme and "not allowed'.

    last night after breaking free for the day i heard someone speak about what is truly important in life and it was so upliftimng, so inspiring, and so utterly different than the pit that I have spent my time in for years now, and especially these last few months. I am exhausted from writing this much, I'm sure there are important things I've left out but need to pause a little here before taking on the goals portion of the purge exercise.
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2020
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  5. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    • My mission and goals: I want to help my brain stabilize and normalize without constantly being bombarded with artificial porn stimuli. I want to give myself a chance to reach my true potential as a man, which I have been falling short of up until now.
    • To do this I am doing a "hard-mode reboot" beginning today August 26th, abstaining from pornography and artificial sexual stimulation entirely for 90 days, and perhaps longer if needed.
    • I will track my progress daily using a spreadsheet on google files with a focus on my success, and being realistic and not demanding perfection. I will focus on accumulating 90 days porn free total rather than on streaks, as I know I am prone to "chuck it all" and binge if I feel I have fallen short of my goals and true streaks have been difficult for me to achieve up until now.
    • I will share this personal history with the forum and with one real person in my life (therapist) and seek to make this journey the focus of our work together. I will begin this at our next scheduled appointment in early September.
    • I will journal daily, with a focus on my fears and the challenges i face now that I can't bury them under the escape of porn. I know that my fear of facing life without this escape mechanism is a huge obstacle for me and by journaling through the fear i will overcome it. I will also add successes and other observations.
    • I will talk with my sons about puberty, sex, and the risks of online porn starting before their schoolyear starts and continuing as long as we can.
    • I will implement internet filtering software by August 27th on both my phone and computer to give me time to make good choices when I am triggered.
    • I will practice my daily relaxation method each day and also when triggered.
    • I will be more honest with my wife about my struggles and my desires.
  6. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hi RadRacing,

    Welcome to the forum.

    It’s great that you’re taking this really seriously, and have spent the time going over that in so much detail.

    A common mistake that many folks, including myself, have made is not taking the reboot seriously and trying to get through on willpower alone which breaks down in the long run.

    It’s also good that you’ve got a structure you’re going to follow, in your case the Noah Church book. I’ve also got the book and have seen a few of his videos and he seems like a good guy to follow. I’m using the Recovery Nation Workshop, and have also used the Easy-Peasey book (a ******** based on Allen Carr’s easy way to stop smoking but applied to pornography) As with many things in life, there are many good programs, it’s more a case of sticking to one and following it through to the end regardless of which one it is.
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  7. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Hey thanks for that Clovis! I agree on the structure. At work we always say it is better to have a mediocre discipline that you actually stick to than a brilliant discipline that you abandon as soon as things get dicey.
  8. Vanoli16

    Vanoli16 Member

    First off, welcome @RadRacing . I'm glad your here, and sharing a ton of what's going on with you. Really great.

    I too agree with @Clovis6 that willpower alone is very difficult, so your bullet items were of particular interest to me, especially....

    Is there someone else that you could share with, that is not your therapist or your family? Someone that knows you personally? For me, having trusted mentors is the difference maker. Currently, there are nine other men in my life who are aware of what I'm up to and who in some way have my back. That level of accountability and support is valuable.
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  9. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Great point Vanoli - right now I'm just not sure and the therapist is the only person I can think of where the shame and fear of judgement isn't so overwhelming as to make me want to hold back. Frankly even the therapist idea gives me a little anxiety. I've engaged a number of therapists over the years for essentially my misery in fighting this addiction but in the moment of truth I've obscured my real issue as general unhappiness, or inability to be productive, or distractibility - all legit symptoms of porn abuse for sure but I just couldn't bring myself to reveal the true root cause as my shame and embarrassment were so great. If I can share with a person in my real life, I may get comfortable sharing more broadly but just taking things slowly to start.
  10. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    I really appreciate your story and your vulnerability in sharing. I had never recognized the slut/angel dynamics in my past relationships so you've given me something to think about in my journey. Looking forward to following your progress and cheering you on bro.
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  11. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I can completely relate, RadRacing. There are no limits, and the tank can never be filled. To that end, we obsessively march on. Good to have you on board, mate:)
  12. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Congrats on making a start on kicking the addiction. I can relate to the past cycle of binge downloading and then deleting everything only to go on another binge. That is so time consuming and tiring - along with fucking up your sex drive. Also, the internal fight between different part of the brains and the crushing guilt.
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  13. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    First journal in a few days, had a really great weekend out of town and no issues. Sometimes it is good to be up in the woods! Had a few triggers on Friday but pushed through, didn't really use any specific technique other than just focusing on things that needed to get done for wife's birthday. Over the weekend had a few triggers, specifically pop music on the radio that reminded me of tiktok dances as well as just some random porn flashbacks of scenes, situations, etc. Mostly manageable.
    Got to be intimate w wife Sunday night - I was a little nervous as I've had some false starts recently, I believe due to drinking and also having already nutted multiple times already those days due to PMO. I had hope though as I had 4 full days free at that point which was as long as anything in recent memory. I really focused on just being in the moment and connecting and it worked out great. Really pleased that the work I had done until that point paid off.
    Also, it is clear to me that my wife can pick up on it when I'm "off", there's a noticeable disconnect from me and apathy towards her and the kids, and she'd been expressing that disconnect for a while up until last week. It was really good for me to be able to be present and connected all weekend with the whole family.
    Mondays can be my hardest days as work re-entry can be a grind and I also have built up the habit of really going off the rails on Mondays, even going back to the days when I was till in the office. Already have had some strong urges, I checked spam email looking for shipping label that wasn't coming through and saw some dating spam, one of which had a really unique name of a former gf on it, I checked and it was obviously generic spam but had some triggering images in it. Also just had a few "opportunity" triggers - in other words I had gotten into the pattern of feeling like whenever there was an "opportunity" for PMO (wife and kids out of the house, etc.) it must be taken as they are scarce. Of course they actually aren't scarce at all these days and regardless Ive experienced in the past how this can actually start to feel like a burden rather than an opportunity - it is nice to just enjoy some time rather than feeling like PMO MUST be forced into this window regardless of what I'm feeling like.
    To try to manage these triggers I am journaling here and also will experiment with moving my laptop out into more public space to work.
    Also, I worked out this am which is good positive action for my health, mental well being and also a good step towards building community. Three of the 5 other people there are good friends, and everybody is always happy to be together. Thats a good feeling I can be genuinely proud of and not an artificial feeling of pleasure that has to be hidden and ashamed of. more of these please!
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2020
  14. wareagle

    wareagle Member

    Hey @RadRacing, I’m glad you shared this. I have done the same thing and because of my known failures in bed I didn’t want the girls on the pedestal to know anything about my condition. The “lower” ones I could always come up with some excuse. I’ve missed many an opportunity because I left girls in the friend zone.

    Welcome to the group. Wishing you the best on this recovery sir.
  15. Vanoli16

    Vanoli16 Member

    Great way to be right now. It takes the time that it takes.
  16. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Some good and some bad yesterday. Wrestled with habit and triggers most of the day, some things worked some didn't, PMOd from 3-5pm.
    What worked:
    moving my work computer to common area of the house (worked for abstaining and for some work tasks but didn't work for some work calls that required a quiet space.
    Just waiting - several times I gave myself a 10-minute cool off period just to see if things changed. Example, deciding to go down and fix lunch for the kids and myself during an open period of the day rather than using the time block to PMO. By the time I was done, next meetings were close enough that I was able to carry through.

    What didn't:
    experiencing some team conflict at work, possibly exacerbated by my conflict avoidance behaviors in the past (ignore important proposal spreadsheet to PMO instead of communicating clearly and openly) Not sure if that has been PMO shoving important things to the side, or conflict avoidance pushing the work away and filling in PMOI as a filler. Probably some of both.
  17. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    So learning from the mistakes - on the surface I really need to seriously look at installing filtering on my computer to give me a bit more time to do what's right. More to the heart of the issue I need to recognize when things like work conflict or avoidance behaviors are creeping up and how to deal with them in the moment effectively, rather than turning away and pursuing avoidance which leads to PMO for me. One of my mentors and role models in business is a recovering alcoholic who seems super adept at managing these kinds of things right in the moment, being super transparent about his feelings, how and why he's doing what he's doing, and making appropriate amends if things aren't handled great - I'd like to emulate that behavior and I started by owning my misstep in a specific situation to one of my partners this am and apologizing.
    In the moment, my PMO yesterday felt incredible. Even for a few hours after I didn't notice any major negative feelings. Much later however, I acknowledged that in fact during the time I was acting out, one of my kids really could have used me being more present. The way i behaved doesn't match how I want to show up for my kids so I want to get to a place where I can be present for my kids whenever they need me, not just when I'm undistracted by PMO.
  18. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Also last night I signed up fo Noah Church's patreon to access the weekly group conversation - I think I can benefit from some more in-person interaction along with all the great stuff you guys are doing here. I'll journal about how it goes once I get underway.
  19. RadRacing

    RadRacing New Member

    Morning all! I had a successful day yesterday. I think the biggest factor was gathering the courage to face some anxiety head on. The colleague that I mentioned I had made amends with in my post from yesterday morning actually didn't feel at all like I had made amends and confronted me on email (he was probably right). What I really (REALLY REALLY REALLY) wanted to do was just ignore it, tune out, and maybe even numb out as I have in the past. However something in his note made me think that maybe what he was really pissed at wasn't so much the point of contention, but that I wasn't communicating. So I just picked up the phone and called. It was a little tough but the conversation we had was important and helpful. Later on in the day our core team of 4 got together for a videoconference and a bunch more conflict flared up among us, so much so that I felt moments away from exiting the call in anger. Somehow keeping my cool instead (it felt like I was literally flexing muscles in my chest and neck to hold my tongue and force myself to listen) I was able to work together with my partners until the point where we all gradually came to understand that we are actually on the same page on all of the most important topics in our business, we just couldn't see past a lot of our anger, emotion, and feeling somehow slighted or wronged by the others to our common ground. The conference lasted over an hour and I can't remember a time when I was able to stay focused and engaged for so long. And that was important, because the things we were discussing will have a very big financial impact on me and my family in all likelihood.
    I finished my work day on the early side instead of artificially extending it several hours, something I often do when acting out. I engaged with my family and saw that they had together started the process of priming the part of our house that we've been working on repainting. I changed clothes, hauled out the big ladder, and finished the priming job. It felt great.
    To celebrate I went to the liquor store and bought a bourbon and some beers. I had one bourbon and was possibly on the verge of heading downhill hard when I was reminded that my son's school had a community-wide covenant prayer ceremony and that I should participate. I don't have much formal religious experience, the result of a youth playing hockey all over the midwest on Sundays, but I really genuinely always appreciate and enjoy spiritual guidance and prayer. It was a great session, and we had a wonderful family dinner afterwards.
    I ended up drinking many many glasses of wine and staying up much later than usual watching old movies (Glory and Last of the Mohicans). I love historical fiction and movies and those are two of my favorites.
    I felt a little badly as apparently the noise of the TV disturbed at least one of my boys sleep, and my wife straight up can't sleep when I'm not in the bed with her. It drives her insane when I stay up late at night drinking and watching tv because she can't sleep and struggles the next day. I of course feel like I'm due the pleasure of relaxing with some (reasonably) good clean fun and that it isn't my fault or problem that she can't sleep if I'm not there. We have had some pretty sharp disagreements about it. With the clarity of a whole day free from porn, I see that there is plenty of room for us to find a workable approach. I can show her more consideration and just be a good guy and not do something that I know bothers her, especially on a weeknight or "school night", and she has told me that she appreciates and agrees with my desire to sometimes stay up and have some me time with cheesy old movies or music videos on youtube; as long as it doesn't affect the rest of the family negatively. I know she also worries about the fact that I'm down there getting drunk, which is totally reasonable since my dad is an alcoholic who has literally drank his physical health completely away, my brother was such a raging lcoholic that he's completely given it up, and my father's father committed suicide, I believe in some way related to his alcoholism. Who knows, nobody in my family has really ever talked about it. I guess addictive tendencies run pretty deeply in our clan. Anyway, it is totslly understandable that she worries about my drinking.
    Interestingly, I almost never have the slightest urge to act out with PMO during these times, even when I am full blown PMO bingeing nonstop during the day. Maybe the booze, old Nirvana concerts, and Morgan Freeman movies are scratching the same itch for escapism that the PMO does during the day. My therapist pointed out that I tend to be super hard on myself and that its possible zoning out with booze gives me a break from berating myself and being berated by myself. Sounds plausible. I've worked with him on some strategies to manage drinking and there has been some good progress there.
    Anyway, half-decent hangover today, frankly not in a lot of discomfort, I can just feel it in my system , like I've been on a boat all day. Frankly feeling a little bit wound up (can you tell from my stream of consciousness rambling post?!?!) which may be from my ADHD medication (stimulant) plus more than usual coffee to try to overpower hangover symptoms. Frankly in the moment it feels great to be filled with energy, but Ive told myself a few times already this morning to be wary of getting too "high" and potentially later getting too "low." I have heard addiction people say you want to avoid extremes and strive for balance.
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2020
  20. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey RadRacing, congrats navigating through some tough conflicts work-wise yesterday:)
    If you don't mind honest feedback, everything you described about celebrating your successes by using alcohol reeked of trading one addiction for another. You may not be ready to face this head-on yet, which is understandable. Good luck:)

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