Day 2 without porn (continuing to MO as needed up to 2X a day) Hey everybody, I'm a 21 year old college student and I'm a porn addict. I've never shared this with anyone even though this addiction has stolen a great deal of my youth from me. It wasn't until I was 19 years old that I discovered yourbrainonporn.com, and confirmed to myself that porn has arrested my development. It was also the first time I learned that it's possible to heal with abstinence which gave me unprecedented hope because my mental health had deteriorated to a dangerous point. I want to start a journal here today because I have been trying to quit for a year and a half now, and I have realized that doing it alone is impossible. Since I have never spoken or written about this issue publicly before I don't know what to expect. I don't know how much time people are going to invest reading these or if what I write will even make sense. However, what I hope is that this will be helpful to someone else in some way. I want to start off with a brief history. I grew up in a picture perfect environment until I was 12. At that point my parents separated, and I lived with only my mom. She had to go back to school, work, dating, so I was left alone in the house pretty much every week night. (Younger sibling went to after-school care.) Naturally I got curious, and I would look for pictures of nearly naked girls in magazines and movie clips. By the time I was 13 I realized that I could find these things on the internet. You probably already know how the story goes from here. For a long time the sex didn't even interest me; I just wanted to see naked females. I remember feeling so deviant looking up girl-on-girl porn for the first few times, but within a month it became old news. After 4 months-halfway through 8th grade-I was truly hooked on hardcore porn. I would think about it all day at school, and I got paranoid. I felt like my peers could read my thoughts. When I got home I would spend 3-4 hours masturbating (which I had figured out) to porn every day until my mom returned from work. On both weekends and some school nights I would go to the computer at 1:30 or 2am and spend another 2-3 hours watching porn. I started to lose a lot of sleep, and my grades reflected this. Throughout high school I was a paranoid wreck. I barely talked to anyone, and I pushed people away who tried to connect with me. By the end of high school I smoked a lot of cigarettes to keep from going insane. I also smoked a lot of cannabis; that made things worse. At that time internet porn was much more mainstream, and I really started to give up quitting. I thought that I just had a weak personality, and that watching porn was okay because I didn't feel so alone when I watched it. In college I lost my grip on reality. The porn addiction I had in high school looked as harmful as finger nail biting compared to what it became when I left home. I could look at porn ALL THE TIME on my laptop, and I did. It went from orgies, to gay porn, to transvestites to rape, to torture, to illegal shit, and beyond. I signed up for a bunch of porn sites, and built an epic collection. I met strangers online for sex. I stopped attending class. I smoked weed all day and drank heavily. I was lucky to not have failed out of school. After a while I was put on an antidepressant along with Concerta because I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression. This made things worse. The antidepressant made my love of cannabis stronger which in turn made me watch more porn. It wasn't until March 2011 when I had completely lost it and was arrested for an alcohol related incident that I looked for answers. That was a year and a half ago. Today, thanks to getting off antidepressants and cannabis, I am stable. I've had a few solid weeks without porn-broken up with many relapses-in the last 4 months. My goal is to go about 40 days without porn. At that point I want to remain porn free, and quit masturbation for 90 days. I'm doing this incrementally because sometimes I get trapped in the house with my computer. I NEED my computer for school work, so I have to separate being alone with my computer from masturbation. Today is Day 2. I feel like crap. The social anxiety is intense. I have panic attacks. I feel like I'm going to pass out all the time. I don't have enough energy for anything. From my experience I won't start to feel better until Day 5. That is all.