R.I.P. My Pornography Addiction: 2004-2012

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by treeofknowledge, Sep 25, 2012.

  1. treeofknowledge

    treeofknowledge New Member

    Day 2 without porn (continuing to MO as needed up to 2X a day)

    Hey everybody, I'm a 21 year old college student and I'm a porn addict. I've never shared this with anyone even though this addiction has stolen a great deal of my youth from me. It wasn't until I was 19 years old that I discovered yourbrainonporn.com, and confirmed to myself that porn has arrested my development. It was also the first time I learned that it's possible to heal with abstinence which gave me unprecedented hope because my mental health had deteriorated to a dangerous point. I want to start a journal here today because I have been trying to quit for a year and a half now, and I have realized that doing it alone is impossible.

    Since I have never spoken or written about this issue publicly before I don't know what to expect. I don't know how much time people are going to invest reading these or if what I write will even make sense. However, what I hope is that this will be helpful to someone else in some way. I want to start off with a brief history.

    I grew up in a picture perfect environment until I was 12. At that point my parents separated, and I lived with only my mom. She had to go back to school, work, dating, so I was left alone in the house pretty much every week night. (Younger sibling went to after-school care.) Naturally I got curious, and I would look for pictures of nearly naked girls in magazines and movie clips. By the time I was 13 I realized that I could find these things on the internet. You probably already know how the story goes from here.

    For a long time the sex didn't even interest me; I just wanted to see naked females. I remember feeling so deviant looking up girl-on-girl porn for the first few times, but within a month it became old news. After 4 months-halfway through 8th grade-I was truly hooked on hardcore porn. I would think about it all day at school, and I got paranoid. I felt like my peers could read my thoughts. When I got home I would spend 3-4 hours masturbating (which I had figured out) to porn every day until my mom returned from work. On both weekends and some school nights I would go to the computer at 1:30 or 2am and spend another 2-3 hours watching porn. I started to lose a lot of sleep, and my grades reflected this.

    Throughout high school I was a paranoid wreck. I barely talked to anyone, and I pushed people away who tried to connect with me. By the end of high school I smoked a lot of cigarettes to keep from going insane. I also smoked a lot of cannabis; that made things worse. At that time internet porn was much more mainstream, and I really started to give up quitting. I thought that I just had a weak personality, and that watching porn was okay because I didn't feel so alone when I watched it.

    In college I lost my grip on reality. The porn addiction I had in high school looked as harmful as finger nail biting compared to what it became when I left home. I could look at porn ALL THE TIME on my laptop, and I did. It went from orgies, to gay porn, to transvestites to rape, to torture, to illegal shit, and beyond. I signed up for a bunch of porn sites, and built an epic collection. I met strangers online for sex. I stopped attending class. I smoked weed all day and drank heavily. I was lucky to not have failed out of school.

    After a while I was put on an antidepressant along with Concerta because I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression. This made things worse. The antidepressant made my love of cannabis stronger which in turn made me watch more porn. It wasn't until March 2011 when I had completely lost it and was arrested for an alcohol related incident that I looked for answers. That was a year and a half ago.

    Today, thanks to getting off antidepressants and cannabis, I am stable. I've had a few solid weeks without porn-broken up with many relapses-in the last 4 months. My goal is to go about 40 days without porn. At that point I want to remain porn free, and quit masturbation for 90 days. I'm doing this incrementally because sometimes I get trapped in the house with my computer. I NEED my computer for school work, so I have to separate being alone with my computer from masturbation.

    Today is Day 2. I feel like crap. The social anxiety is intense. I have panic attacks. I feel like I'm going to pass out all the time. I don't have enough energy for anything. From my experience I won't start to feel better until Day 5. That is all.
  2. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    It´s a familiar story, I can recall a lot of similar feelings from my PMO years.

    A few good tips for computer work (most probably you have already seen these, but anyway)
    -install some kind of adult filter
    -delete all of your adult stuff
    -limit your computer time, finish the school things and turn it off

    Your previous attempts to get rid of porn will help a lot. Simply try to remember what triggered your return to porn - stress, nice pictures on FB or similar. It will be easier to avoid porn if you know your triggers.
  3. treeofknowledge

    treeofknowledge New Member

    Day 3

    Day 3 without porn.

    The urges today are minimal. I took my computer, a small table, some supplies, and my printer out of my room. I avoid going in there except for changing clothes and sleeping. I don't know how long I it will take before I am able to be in there by myself again, but for now I'm living on the couch. My roommates are probably confused, but it's working.

    I finally realized that being in my room was my #1 trigger. At first I thought, I can't just move out of my room, but for all practical purposes it's been done. I'm feeling optimistic.
  4. treeofknowledge

    treeofknowledge New Member

    Day 4

    Day 4 without porn

    It's tough. My energy level and motivation are still very low. I wouldn't be able to make it through each day without caffeine. However, my brain-fog has started to clear a little. I feel a little less withdrawn in social situations. This is my 3rd day without MO, but I don't intend to keep that streak up for very much longer because I had some mild flashbacks today.
  5. Journey to Freedom

    Journey to Freedom Vincere est Vivere

    I'm in a similar sense of circumstances. I need my computer for schoolwork. Fortunately for me, I have gone past the point where I have temptations to look at porn when I'm alone with my computer.

    The journey wasn't easy, it took a long while, but I finally got there. You will too, if you keep at it, in time your addiction and subsequent cravings will disappear.

    Feel free to follow my journal, our journeys are very similar.
  6. treeofknowledge

    treeofknowledge New Member

    Day 5

    Day 5 without porn

    I almost relapsed last night because I was tired and stressed out. The thought that helped me get out of it was unexpected. I remembered a concept that has been passed around this community before which is H.A.L.T. It's an acronym that alcoholics use to identify feelings that are likely to lead to a relapse. It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. The goal for the addict is to never let himself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired because it makes him vulnerable. Last night I examined my feelings in the same way and realized that I was both angry and tired, so to fix that I went to sleep.

    Today the urges are stronger than ever, but so is my energy level. I would like to MO to get rid of the urge, but I really don't feel like losing all this energy just yet.
  7. treeofknowledge

    treeofknowledge New Member

    Day 6

    Day 6 without porn

    I can't believe I've made it this far, however, it should be noted that I took an MO break yesterday. I was starting to get really angry for no reason (I believe it was due to the build up of testosterone), and I was afraid I was going to relapse if I didn't release the tension. When it was over I felt a miniature version of the depression that usually follows porn. I felt shitty for about 3 hours, but then it completely passed. I wasn't able to get anything accomplished after that though. I got rid of my anger, but I also got rid of my energy. I don't feel like the boss I felt like yesterday, but I don't regret my decision to MO. I wouldn't have been able to avoid porn if I didn't give myself that option.

    Speaking exclusively on today: I woke up late so all I have to report is that I feel less lethargic than usual. It was hard to get out of bed, but I've been in a fairly good mood since eating breakfast.
  8. treeofknowledge

    treeofknowledge New Member

    Day 7

    The temptation is overwhelming today. I feel paralyzed.

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