Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by BreakingtheHabit, Apr 6, 2013.

  1. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Good job man, well done staying away from those videos. I experience the aggravation as well if i get those triggers.
  2. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Thanks for the encouragement gameover!

    Day 44 - This morning I was yearning to fantasize a bit and also sort of freaking out about my decision to not fantasize during the reboot - afraid I'd somehow screw myself up without having any sexual outlet whatsoever (no porn, no masturbation, no fantasy...). If I end up dating a girl I won't be abstaining or anything. It's like, I want to break the cycle of addiction and I realize fantasy can be triggering/tied in to the addiction, but I feel like it's not sustainable, and I don't want to end up like some sexually repressed person who thinks they need to abstain from everything forever. On the other hand I worry about sexual activity potentially leading to a slippery slope that ends with porn binging again.

    I guess part of it is that not everything in a reboot needs to be indefinite - there's also the "rewiring" stage. First to abstain totally from porn and other sexual stimulation, then to reprogram my brain to enjoy real women rather than porn. I guess I just need to have faith in this process, and trust in the progress I've seen so far.

    Otherwise things are good, mood is stable, no cravings, some morning wood on some mornings. Sleep schedule is still kinda funky. That's all for now.
  3. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 45 - yesterday in to today went pretty smoothly. I wish I could remember my last reboot more clearly. I should have journaled it. It would have been nice to have it as a reference to compare to. But I do remember that at some point last time around, it stopped feeling like a huge struggle and started to just feel like the new normal. Like, many days would go by without even really thinking about it in any way, except to occasionally think, "It's been a while since I've thought about quitting porn, but of course, I don't watch it now." It seems like once you get past some initial struggles you can really settle in to a rhythm.

    Of course you can still slip like I did after the last reboot...after a while I lost that mindset and the cravings came back.

    But at the moment I seem to be in a similar mindset. No cravings, no sense of struggle really.

    Things have been quiet "down there" lately, very little stirring. I'm giving it time and having faith that eventually things will get more active.

    I'm trying to spend less time thinking about no PMO and rebooting and all that stuff. It seems easier when I get the journal post out of the way then spend the rest of the day thinking about other things. For a while there I'd post but then throughout the day I'd think about what I wanted to say in my next post etc., but as someone else on here has said, thinking about not watching porn is still thinking about porn. So I'm going to try to keep attention focused elsewhere after posting.

    Mood's still a bit swingy but the major anxiety hasn't shown up for a while now and overall I feel more stable.

    Cheers, stay strong.
  4. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 46 no porn -

    MO'd last night. I broke my "no fantasizing" rule before going to bed and then woke up during a dream about porn around two am feeling extremely horny. I was thinking about porn while horny which was obviously pretty counterproductive so I shifted in to fantasizing about realistic scenarios instead. For a while I was thinking I'd just go back to sleep but I was feeling so tense and tightly wound and worked up and couldn't fall asleep. Eventually I MO'd.

    This morning I feel fine, sort of calm actually, and I'm hoping I wasn't set back by this. I'll be cautious over the coming week in case this triggers any porn cravings. I'm hopeful that, given that I started by thinking about porn but shifted gears in to thinking about real sex, this was a positive step for my brain, one more small step to having a sexuality focused on real sex rather than fake internet sex.

    Anyway. That doesn't really change the big picture, which is to keep my eyes ahead and keep going.
  5. bikeguy

    bikeguy Member

    It's kind of funny that you mentioned it, but I always get the same feelings of restlessness if I don't use the computer for a long time. Sometimes I have to log on and surf the internet even if I don't have anything to look up. I think internet addiction is a thing of its own.
  6. furor germanicus

    furor germanicus New Member

    Same things here. But yesterday night I had a short but significant dream. I was coming back home, went straight to my computer and ripped the cables off. Then, I destroyed the laptop.

    Since then, I don't have the desire to surf on the net. I'm only writing my daily stuff down here and checking my mails.

    Dreams in general are pretty tough the last weeks. Most of the time, they are disturbing as fuck. :D
  7. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Thanks bikeguy and furor germanicus - glad I'm not the only one who's experienced agitation about not being able to go on the computer. And yeah furor I've had lots of crazy dreams while rebooting haha, probably a sign of the brain adjusting to the new circumstances.

    Day 47 - first post MO day was yesterday...my mood was good and stable without any crazy swings or anxiety. I had some porn cravings, first ones for several days, possibly because of the MO. I ended up deciding to do another day without internet (apart from work which took quite a while, though I stayed pretty well focused). Once again being off the computer for the whole day made me a bit nervous, but I also felt good about it and it did the trick with making the cravings go away.

    I'm going away soon and won't be able to post for various reasons, but I'll be back in a few weeks. I'll be able to post for a few more days before the hiatus.
  8. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 48 - had a huge wet dream last night, no clue what it was about, can't remember for the life of me. Mood's okay, a little agitated now and then but no violent swings and no anxiety or depression.

    Otherwise I continue to struggle with how difficult it is to not fantasize. My brain really wants to fantasize. Subconsciously it starts doing it without me fully realizing what I'm doing until I'm a little of the way in to a fantasy. I've covered some of my thoughts on fantasy already on the previous page of the journal but I guess I'll reiterate that I definitely used fantasy in a porn-like way and will continue to avoid fantasizing at least until 90 days.

  9. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Fantasizing is a way for your brain to compensate the lack of porn. I've had a phase when I couldn't keep myself from doing it all the time, it was so freakin' annoying. But that means you have reached another stage in the reboot, os it's actually a good thing. Just do your best to dismiss the fantasies when they show up.
  10. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 49 - my last day posting before a hiatus that'll be about a month long.

    Had some wild mood swings around midday yesterday. Some anxiety and random tension that reached a moderate level. Not as bad as the worst I've experienced during a reboot.

    I've been taking more time to follow along with current events lately. I feel an obligation to try to keep track of what's going on in order to be an informed citizen of the planet, especially since lots of screwed up stuff will be happening within my (our) lifespan. That feels good and is a nice outlet for restless energy.

    Be back soon. Stay strong everyone. Looking forward to seeing how you all are doing when I get back. Cheers!
  11. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 70/Day 0 - relapsed. Dammit. Details later.
  12. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Don't binge! And if you have binged, stop binging! Your progress has not been erased! Get back on the horse and back to kicking ass!

  13. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Thanks Apeman! Appreciate the encouragement. I won't binge.

    So why the relapse?

    I went away for a few weeks and used it as an excuse to almost entirely abstain from the internet except to check in occasionally on important things via email.

    Overall being mostly internet-free was quite positive, and I felt quite emotionally stable much of the time. I keep saying I want to incorporate internet-free time in to my daily schedule. Perhaps now is the time to make that in to a concrete goal. For now I'll try "no internet after 4 pm." A pretty small goal but it'll leave my later afternoons and evenings totally internet free. Might not be manageable in a few months because of work, but for now it should be fine.

    Anyway, back to the relapse...

    Over the course of these weeks without internet I had some intense porn cravings - and recurring thoughts/fears that I'd relapse when I had internet access again.

    When I got home, I felt like an alcoholic who checks out of the shelter of rehab and is suddenly walking past bars and liquor stores. Suddenly it was just me and my laptop and this world of porn I hadn't had any access to was open to me. I wanted it really badly. The cravings were exceptionally intense.

    I tried most of the strategies that have worked for me in the past - slow breathing, addicted voice recognition, listing out pros and cons, shifting my attention elsewhere...but the addiction had a powerful hold over my mind and my heart wasn't really in some of the techniques as I tried them. Before I knew it the computer was on and I had multiple tabs of porn open. I thought as I started to masturbate, "I should leave these tabs open so I can come back and go again in a little bit!"

    After I finished masturbating I felt the usual range of emotions - guilt, shame, frustration, self-loathing. I dreaded that I'd never be able to climb out of these cycles and that porn holds an unchangeable place at the center of my sexuality. Lots of very dark frustrated thoughts like that.

    I went to sleep, and woke up and MO'd without porn during the night.


    Anyway, this morning I feel less shitty about the relapse. I'm annoyed that it happened but I have faith in the ability of my brain to change with time, and I know that over the last few years I've made a great deal of progress and spent the majority of the time not watching porn rather than watching it (especially over the last two years).

    This incident has solidified my desire to see a therapist about this addiction though.

    If others are in therapy - how did you find your therapist? I've been looking through Psychology Today's "find a therapist" site and looking for people specialized in addiction. Any other thoughts or suggestions on finding a good one?
  14. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 2 after relapse - so far I haven't had any of the super intense post-relapse experiences - no depression or anxiety, though I feel somewhat drained. I've had a few mild cravings but have not watched porn again since the relapse. I'm considering toning down the frequency with which I post on here...maybe posting every day was only serving to remind me of porn all the time, and to cause me to interpret all of my experiences in terms of the reboot. Anyway, I'm trying to keep my eyes ahead and keep myself focused on real world things.
  15. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 5 - so far it's mostly been okay. Yesterday (day 4) was the worst day I've had since the relapse. My mood felt quite unstable through much of the day...mostly it felt like a depressive rather than anxious state. It didn't feel as bad or brutal as some of the other post-relapse depressive stretches I've had...mainly because it felt like I was reacting to it differently. This time it felt like my main reaction was, "well, here we go again..."

    Last night the cravings hit hard but I reasoned my way through, thinking, "Well, I can see myself relapsing now, and feeling guilty and shitty afterwards, the same way I've done many other times when I felt cravings...I'm just going to ride through the cravings." Kept the computer off.

    I've continued to enforce getting off the internet (and off the computer if possible) after 4 pm, even earlier if I can. It's been refreshing to have computer-free time, because I go online with the same feverish intensity that I used to go to porn sites. That is, my internet use is in itself sort of an addiction, so I'm glad to be toning it down.

    I continue to meditate every day. I also continue to plan to probably see a therapist once I've moved...

    ...that's all for now...hope everyone's doing well.
  16. Hey sux that you relapsed also , but i see you are doing good so keep going .

    I dont have any advice to give since you re doing much better than me , im still in the relapse village and i cant clearly understand why when I first joined this forum I went 30 days almost without PMO but now I cant get over 5 days ...

    well im still positive and trying to get out ...
    at least i reduce the time I waste pmoing with each relapse and from what I was before I joined this site 6/7 days with pmoing more than 3 times usually ..now im doing much better ..rarely pmo more than 1 time maximum 2 .. around 3- 4 days
  17. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Thanks GonnaSolveThis. It's definitely a non-linear journey and sometimes the best thing is to do what you're doing and look at the positives. In your case (1) you realize it's a problem and (2) you've been able to cut back, so that's a great first step. Any time spent resisting the urges is helpful.

    Day 8 of no PMO/day 0 of no MO - it seems that when I wake up early in the morning it's a high-risk time for MO relapses. Last night I had a porn-related dream and woke up with a huge boner around 4 am, and MO'd (to fantasies unrelated to porn). Fell asleep almost immediately afterward. I'm not too concerned about the MO relapse...infinitely better to MO without porn than to MO with it.

    Yesterday was possibly the first time in years when I had access to a computer and I chose to spend the entire day without using the computer in any way. I think I might try to take Sundays off from the internet entirely from now on. No work on Sundays so it'll hopefully be manageable.

    Mood continues to be sort of swingy. Some anxiety/sensations of emotional strangeness. Frustrated that I set myself up for the post-relapse slump yet again when I relapsed. Looking forward to getting back to a point of better emotional stability soon, hopefully.
  18. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 16 no porn, day 8 no masturbation:

    I've noticed some correlations between being unable to meditate and increased intensity of cravings. Because I'm quite busy with moving there have been some days lately where I've been unable to stay on top of my daily meditation...and on those days intense porn cravings seem generally more likely. Also I've once again noticed the "checking out of rehab" effect...if I go a few days where I can't access the internet, I'm generally hit by intense cravings when I'm once again able to go online.

    Last night I had some extremely intense cravings, probably just as intense as the ones that led to my last relapse. I didn't cave, but I felt extremely tense and antsy and had a hard time falling asleep (and I had porn-related dreams). In the morning once again I had intense cravings. I meditated and I feel more stable now, though the cravings are still there to some extent.

    I'm trying to break the cycle by not caving to the cravings like I did 16 days ago.

    Hope all's well with all of you, friends. Sorry if I haven't been over to any of your journals in a while. I'm trying not to spend too much time thinking about porn in any way, even if I'm thinking about quitting.
  19. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 17 of no porn/day 0 of no MO -

    Yesterday was difficult.

    Porn cravings kept coming over me in waves, exceptionally intense - I'd think about what new videos must be out there and get all worked up. I'd feel physical symptoms of cravings: quickened pulse, rapid shallow breathing, adrenaline, anxiety. It was rough. I felt like I was on the verge of relapse all day.

    Night came - a typical time for relapses for me - and the cravings were showing no sign of going away. I decided I'd rather MO without porn than relapse to porn, so I MO'd, hoping it'd relieve the strain and stress of the cravings. I MO'd to non-pornographic fantasy (memories and thoughts of being with real women).

    After MO'ing I had a hard time falling asleep - I still felt worked up, tense, stressed...after a while I MO'd again, this time more intensely and desperately. Not a proud moment. After that I fell asleep...and while sleeping I had a wet dream about porn.

    Fucking strange night.

    Feeling a bit melancholy this morning, but also pleased that despite all the strangness of my experience yesterday I got through without watching porn.

    I've been working for years (literally...) to quit porn and after all that time I feel like I still haven't made up my mind about masturbating without porn.

    I feel like I'm now starting to reach the conclusion that maybe what's really important is that I don't watch porn. The real problem is porn. Every other question is trivial compared to the big glaring goal - no porn.

    I had some melancholy thoughts this morning about some of the bitter and challenging aspects of life - insecurity, desperation, addiction, aching, longing, pain.

    I feel that many of my issues stem from insecurity and an inability to trust myself and to trust life.

    Where does that sort of thing come from?

    Partly I think it's my childhood - because of some of my past experiences I think I never quite learned to truly trust myself as an autonomous person. I think I inherited my parents' insecurity. To some extent I think the entire human race is insecure and I inherited that. Where does that insecurity come from? I think we, as intelligent animals, have the ability to conceive of perfect lives and perfect happiness, and we compare our lives to these fictions we have in our head. We say to ourselves, "why can't life work the way I want it to???" So perhaps the key to digging out of this trap is to learn to accept life, not as we want it to be, but exactly as it is. We must love every bizarre, crazy, unexpected twist both in life and in ourselves.

    We have to love and accept and trust it all.

    We have to love and accept ourselves, even our addictions, even our insecurities and neuroses, all of it. Same with our lives.

    We have to love it all.
  20. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Day 19 no porn and day 0 no MO -

    MO'd again last night, though it was less out of a feeling of desperately wanting to watch porn and trying to relieve tension, and more just because I felt like it and was horny...perhaps it'll help with my getting over porn to have some sexual experiences not involving porn in any way? After all I already did a year without porn and 280 days without porn or masturbation last year. Maybe I should be taking the step to develop a personal sexuality not dependent on porn.

    Feeling a bit uncertain about this...we'll see what the next few weeks bring...anyway I'm not feeling any powerful porn urges and haven't for the last couple days so that's something.

    Cheers, hope yall are doing well.

Share This Page