Quitting

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by BreakingtheHabit, Apr 6, 2013.

  1. Dingofang

    Dingofang New Member

    That's great to hear! I'm currently in a 3-day window, but slowly progressing. Feel free to drop by my journal when you have time!
     
  2. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Thanks!

    Still doing okay, still getting pulled in to more internet browsing than I'd like when online, and sometimes "dancing around" borderline material without viewing any. Browsing out of boredom. Same repeated thing I've talked about before. Otherwise doing pretty well though, and mostly staying off the computer at night.

    *Edit, looked at borderline material tonight, nothing pornographic but enough to set off a cascade of cravings and conflicting emotions/guilt. Every time I cave in and look at borderline stuff it feels like a full PMO relapse in miniature - the restless itch, the search, the reward and rush, then the guilt and shame. Luckily at the moment I seem to have some momentum going with resisting urges to look at actual porn, but repeatedly I've continued going back to borderline material. It's like my brain is bargaining with me and saying that if it can't have porn then it'll want borderline stuff. Frustrating. Better than a full relapse but it still bothers me to keep falling back in to this same pattern of boredom on the internet followed by borderline material.

    I really want to be able to use the computer without sliding in to this same cycle every time, but lately every time I've gone online at home this is how it's been going - either browsing aimlessly and getting cravings, or browsing aimlessly and giving in to cravings to look at borderline stuff.
     
  3. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Going well - I seem to have pushed past my MOing every 7 or 14 days though it's still not been all that long since my last viewing of borderline material. I had a porn-related dream last night - (trigger warning) dreamed that a full-length porn film was downloaded on my PC and I wanted to delete it but also wanted to keep it long enough to view it. Ended up viewing it in the dream and feeling disappointed that I'd relapsed. Always strange to relive a full relapse in a dream.

    It's going well though, mostly off the computer still though when I go on I still have trouble with controlling the time I spend browsing.

    Cheers
     
  4. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Last few days I've been fairly anxious mostly over some upcoming deadlines.

    Tonight some late night work transitioned in to the ending I've come to expect from being on the computer at night - not a relapse, but boredom and an itch to look at borderline material. I didn't look at anything borderline but started down the path of looking for borderline material - enough to get me agitated and excited.

    I'm encouraged that with all the numerous viewings of borderline material and MOs over these 70 porn-free days I've still not viewed porn and mostly relapse hasn't felt like a huge threat. Largely I attribute it to being offline as much as I've been able to. Often I'll read when I get home and stay off the computer. This has meant pretty much giving up gaming, which has been a solitary online activity. It's also increased my internet procrastination at work, where I catch up on the internet since I've used it less at home. I've also been very social. It'll get more difficult to stay off the computer in the coming months when work will pick up a lot and there's a fair amount I'll have to do from home. Perhaps I'll try to find as many ways to print and work offline as I can.

    Still, totally avoiding the internet isn't sufficient to fix the problem itself. I'd like eventually to be able to use the computer without spiraling in to these cravings every single time. Hopefully by resisting craving after craving I'll break the cycle.
     
  5. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    That dawning sense of relief, though.
     
  6. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Did some MO'ing recently - once very late at night when I woke up and was having trouble falling asleep again, next day after some intense porn cravings. I'll have to be cautious next few days about internet use given that I typically have strong porn cravings following MOing.
     
  7. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    81 days and a PMO relapse - and like clockwork it's about 7 days since my last MO, following the trend I'd observed before.

    I saw this relapse coming from a mile away - multiple risk factors came together at once. Stress, a late night, a recent disappointment, a recent MO.

    It's not motivated by anything bad or shameful - it's simply a desire to feel comforted I think. Running back to something familiar.

    But of course after having relapsed I feel like garbage.

    Despite efforts to try to be more forgiving with myself I feel quite awful at the moment after this. Why couldn't I just have listened to the lesson I've had to learn over and over again with every relapse? Why do the cravings have that power to trample everything else, and just drive me to porn?

    I spent about an hour and a half on the relapse - much of the time spent looking for the "right video" as usual, and deliberately extending the searching process.

    I noticed a desire to follow up on various triggering experiences I'd had over the 81-day streak. If I'd heard about a video, I wanted to look it up. If I'd been triggered by something, I wanted to find that trigger and follow through on it. After opening the "flood gates" I was eager to experience everything I'd denied myself during the streak. It started with borderline material and quickly escalated, as these experiences tend to do.

    I guess 81 days beats my other streaks within the last year. That's over two months clean so that's nice.

    The biggest obstacle to this is dealing with those "mega-cravings," the ones that plow through all my usual strategies.

    At this point I feel I'm just repeating myself from past relapses. That's frustrating too.

    Well, I guess I'll switch off the computer and set the short-term goal of living life over the next few days focusing on seeing friends, reading, enjoying myself, staying occupied.
     
  8. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Three nights in a row - clearly haven't quite pulled myself back on to the "wagon" yet.

    Reflections on my 81-day streak - a change in routine helped a lot. For many weeks I was mostly focused on my day-to-day activities and that helped me keep momentum going. Worrying about relapsing contributed to relapsing. MO'ing seemed to contribute as well. Overall it was the best streak I've had in a while and there were some days - even weeks - where I really "saw the light" and felt free.

    I'm not as crushed by my repeated relapses as I've been in some past relapses. I had a very strong emotional reaction after the first relapse two days ago and the subsequent ones have left me less upset. I'm thinking this may be a good thing - reacting in a visceral and angry way when I relapse hasn't done me much good in the past.

    I feel like there's still some changes I need to make about my entire mindset towards this entire process, but at the moment I'm not sure what those changes should be.

    Hope you all are doing well.
     
  9. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Hey BtH,

    I'm glad to see you've been doing really good this summer. 81 days is a really good streak and as long as you contain the relapse you should be able to walk away with most of your winnings. I don't think I've ever gone 81 days, my hat's off to you, sir. Focus on the good habits and changes that you have manifested during your last streak.

    I don't think it's as much about a specific thing to change. It's more about changing something. If, after every relapse, you make at least one positive change, then that's good. Start meditating, stop smoking, start eating healthy, get off sugar, start running (if that's a problem), you know, whatever. As long as the new streak is characterized by a good change, it means that you can associate your relapse with something good. At least that's how I think. To give you an exmaple, last time I relapsed, I figured I should try to improve my sleep. So now I'm doing my lil experiments to get better sleep.

    My tip to getting over bumps in the road is to a) list three positive things in your life and b) make a positive change.

    Good luck!
     
  10. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Started meditating more again and trying to slow my lifestyle down a little bit.

    5 days of no PMO and tonight it happened again. But a 5-day streak of no PMO is better than continuing the daily relapses that occurred after breaking the 80-day streak.

    There's so much stress going on in my life right now and I think lately I've been tempted to run back to PMO as something familiar and superficially safe and comforting. Some part of my brain is tempted to think "it's okay to do it right now because things are hectic, and you can properly quit later." That's probably similar to an "I'm not addicted, I can quit anytime I want!!" attitude...hmmm.

    It'll be a challenge for me after these relapses, I can see. I'll be tempted to relapse further in the next few weeks I'm certain.
     
  11. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Still on board the relapse train as can be seen from my records the last few days - but I can at least say it hasn't been continuous binging.

    For better or worse I've also not been using the "death grip" as much when relapsing. Guess that counts as a plus when mostly things sort of suck due to relapses.

    Also for better or worse I sometimes feel that some times are better than others for trying to beat an addiction - and right now I'm so busy that it would make it a difficult time to rush through all the mood swings and whatnot of recovery. I know that's an excuse and to some extent I'm enabling myself...well anyway, there we are. Interesting how these things can pick up momentum - a few MOs and soon I'm PMOing a few days in a row, or (in today's case) a few times in one day. Part of me is worried that I've forgotten my reason for quitting and will have to hit a "rock bottom" in the next few weeks before getting back on track. Right now I'm still in a "honeymoon phase" with relapsing I think, and the excitement of being back in relapse village is outweighing my desires to quit and get back on track. Also porn as an avoidance strategy is drawing me in at this crazy time.

    Yeah, that's where things are for me at the moment.
     
  12. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    My relapse calendar is starting to look truly ridiculous - once again, a relapse after an even four days without PMO.

    I'm glad I'm keeping track of the dates, it helps me keep track of patterns like this. But still. How bizarre!
     
  13. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    21 days without PMO though I've MO'd plenty of times during then (haven't really been keeping track). Two relapses in a row yesterday and now today. Both took on the shape of how my porn-viewing used to be in the bad days of my addiction - I set aside responsibilities in favor of viewing and viewed for a long time in an indulgent "binge"-type way.

    I do have some good things to report though - after post after post complaining about spending too much time online and not enough time meditating, I have finally actually made some changes to my schedule. I now start every day with meditation. My lifestyle overall I'm happy with - lots of time spent with friends and a good relationship with work. The only issue these last two days has been at home - when at home I've lately been gravitating towards porn, especially at night. I want to try to figure out a way to deal with this without trying to avoid being home.

    Goals -
    1) I want to be able to be able to work online at home without relapsing.
    2) I'd like to be able to develop a healthy MO'ing routine without PMO'ing.

    Regarding the first one - I thought tonight would be the first night of computer use at home without relapse, but nope. Not sure how best to approach this. Anyone else tried it?

    As for MO'ing without PMO'ing - so far whenever I MO regularly it seems that PMO is not far behind. But in the long-term I'd like to make it a goal to be able to still have orgasms "offline" without it driving me back to P. Again, not sure how I'd get there, but it seems perhaps helpful to try to list out some concrete goals.

    Yesterday's relapse didn't feel too bad, but this tonight's was longer and more of a blatant abandoning of my responsibilities. Tonight I'm definitely feeling more shame about relapsing.
     

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