Quitting

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by BreakingtheHabit, Apr 6, 2013.

  1. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Hi everyone.

    I'm 22 years old at the moment - I've been a porn junkie since I first started watching it in my early teen years. Binged heavily up until age 18 or so, and was aware that it was a problem since at least age 16. After starting college, I drastically toned down the porn-watching, though I tended to binge going home on breaks. Things have been steadily improving over the last few years - I've started meditating which I feel helps me develop a more positive relationship with my mind.

    Just recently relapsed a few times after a full year of no viewing porn (and 280 days of not masturbating). I haven't slipped in to a binge, but have felt discouraged by relapsing. I've liked some of the posts I've seen here - particularly those about the "porn is not an option" mindset.

    Today, after a relapse, I felt motivated to read more about porn addiction, which eventually brought me here. I'm signing up and starting a journal.

    Day one. Feeling hopeful. Feeling determined to continue to improve and develop a completely pornless sexuality.
     
  2. Meditationman

    Meditationman New Member

    Good for you! I just started a reboot as well, and I use mindfulness meditation quite often. I consider very helpful in the healing process.
     
  3. Hexxus

    Hexxus How about NO

    Welcome and remember nothing is more important than determination most people who quit addictions themselves just say oak let's do it and in fact do it. A lot of my friends gave up smoking but this fight is different set yourself up to it and go to the end!
     
  4. muuse

    muuse New Member

    It seems like you have a great mindset and on the plus side you are way ahead of most people who start here, so I'm pretty sure you are going kick some ass pretty fast dude. Best of luck with everything.
     
  5. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Thanks for your support friends!

    Morning of day three - so far so good. Yesterday was a bit rough - I forgot about the post relapse haze/anxiety which set in yesterday. I didn't experience any cravings though, perhaps because I was too busy feeling anxious and out-of-sorts. A good reminder of how it may feel good to binge on porn in the moment, but in the long term it leaves you feeling burned out and depressed.

    Trying to stay focused on the divide between thoughts and actions in anticipation of the coming week which I imagine will be the roughest part of quitting. By that I mean that I'll be open to whatever thoughts come up in my head, given that thoughts can't really be controlled, but I won't take action on those thoughts because action is controllable. If an urge to watch arises, I simply will not act on it, because that's not an option.

    Stay strong everyone.
     
  6. Hexxus

    Hexxus How about NO

    don't over think the process just get by. It is just liek living without internet or Tv or usual meal etc. Just go and you will eventually forget it
     
  7. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    how were your erections and how are they now?
     
  8. HerrOin

    HerrOin Member

    I wish you good luck. However, I would advise you to get a counter: That will probably be helpful.
     
  9. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day three - feeling good, not thinking much about porn because I have lots of real-life things to focus on at the moment. Read a few other journals on here which helped motivate me.

    I've decided I'll probably do one post a morning on most mornings, and limit my time spent on this website to that window of posting and reading from others. I want to minimize time spent thinking about porn in any way, even if it's thinking about quitting. I'm hoping that'll help.

    Someone asked about erections. When my porn use was at its heaviest I definitely had issues with both ED and PE, which needless to say was humiliating. I've gone over a year pornfree before and for 280 days of that year I also wasn't masturbating. I definitely noticed a difference following the same general timeline described by YBOP; for a while I "flatlined" and experienced few sexual urges of any sort. Then morning wood came back, my sense of attraction to real women started to grow (and the number of real women who I found attractive also increased!). My sexual urges felt more whole and healthy because they were desires to sleep with real women rather than urges to watch porn. Not sure what the recent relapse did for things in this area. Time will tell I guess.

    So onwards I go. I haven't decided whether or not I'll stop masturbating as well as not viewing porn. In the past I've found that masturbating without porn sometimes led to porn cravings in the following days, but I've also found it helps relieve sexual tension and doing it to memories of real sexual experiences has helped me refocus my sexuality on real sex. I think I'll drop masturbation for now but not make a serious commitment to total avoidance of masturbation.
     
  10. Rebornzt

    Rebornzt New Member

    Hey Breaking the habit,
    indeed 280 with no masturbation and porn is a great achievement.

    For the masturbation, I would say it is as you wish but I'd advice you to keep all that energy as a real life goal targeted fuel.
    I mean, once you learn to convert that energy into motivation, goal oriented energy... you have no idea what kind of machine you can turn into (and I am talking REAL MACHINE... work, focus...). I stopped dating girls and having sex because I enjoyed too much that (to tell you to what extent life and challenges become like a game).

    So think wisely about it and set some BIG HAIRY GOALS out there... I am not talking about small goals, I am talking about ACING YOUR STATE COLLEGE GRADES, Elite SPORT TRAINING, Some SOCIAL IMPROVEMENT!
    I converted : PMO HABIT into

    1. Step 1 : Set big goals
    2. Step 2 : Focus religiously on the means I'll implement in my behavior to reach them
    3. Step 3 : IMPLEMENT AND MEASURE PERFORMANCE
    4. Step 4 : Kick ass succeed in reaching goals
    5. Step 5 : I love that so much that I get back to step 1 lol

    Take care
    Rebornzt
     
  11. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Thanks!

    Morning of day four - feeling pretty good, don't really have porn on the mind very often which is probably a good thing. I'm staying focused on what I'm doing from day to day, and thankfully there's a whole lot of that to focus on. I'd say over the last few days I've been experiencing more tension and anxiety than the typical week, something I blame on the relapse this weekend that occurred before I got my account here.

    Rebornzt - I think I may go for not masturbating as well, at least for a while. In my 280-day streak I did definitely notice an increased devotion to things in my life that weren't sex, which was great. I don't know how sustainable not masturbating will be for me but it seems a good step at this particular moment.

    Yesterday I tried some "exposure response" training while meditating - I envisioned myself in the "I want to watch porn" mindset and practiced steering myself out of it by directing my attention to other things and reminding myself that the urge to watch porn is simply my addiction, and I have the power to choose not to act on addictive urges. I think that helped.

    That's all for now. Stay strong everyone!
     
  12. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day five - a quick daily post today. Continuing to practice "exposure response therapy" - mentally practicing situations in which I'm tempted to view porn, but then choose not to and reward myself with meditation or another enjoyable activity. It helped this morning when I saw a potentially suggestive link and the addicted voice said, "go on, click it, click it," but I resisted. Satisfying.

    Feeling pretty good - staying busy with lots to do since it's during the week.

    For all those who are struggling - it gets easier. I've done a year pornfree already, and going back to it feels so much more natural this time around. You truly can get in to a "I just don't watch porn" mindset, and maintain it. You can do this!
     
  13. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day six - felt anxious and tense this morning. I'm approaching the 7 day point which I know can be a "hump," a time of stronger cravings. I meditated for quite a while earlier this morning and am now feeling a bit more settled.

    I've been really happy with the approach of taking a little time each morning to write in my pornfree journal and discuss quitting porn with others, then spend the rest of the day doing other things. It's helpful to remind me every day of the commitment - that porn is not an option - then allows me to shift my attention fully to other things.

    I'm trying to stay vigilant about triggers/gateways too. This morning I compulsively started clicking my way towards some of "those" pictures on facebook. It's a similar process to porn though - similar rush, and it leaves the brain wanting more. Cut myself off and stopped before getting too deep into them.
     
  14. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of Day Seven - yesterday ended up being ROUGH. I felt anxious, sort of depressed, restless, hazy, and generally out-of-sorts. Tears were shed. I didn't even have any cravings, just a general sense of malaise. I'm inclined to blame withdrawal after last weekend's relapse though, because such an episode is rare for me - sometimes I experience anxiety but it's rarely on that kind of scope.

    Got more sleep last night so I'm thinking today will be easier. I have lots to focus on which is good.

    Stay strong for the weekends everyone. Remember: you don't watch porn.
     
  15. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day eight/end of week one - feeling good to have made it past Saturday, which was when I relapsed the last two weeks before starting my journal. I had a great day yesterday and got a lot of work done. I feel some of the haziness and depressed feelings of last week are starting to fade out, thankfully. The intensity of post-relapse withdrawal is pretty brutal actually, and it somehow seemed more intense this time. Perhaps it's because I've been meditating regularly for a long time, and I've noticed a general intensification of emotion and sensation since I started meditating.

    Anyway, looking forward to the week ahead.

    You can do this everyone. Remember - porn is not an option.
     
  16. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day nine - just checking in, nothing much to report from yesterday. I did watch a movie with some triggering stuff/some pretty explicit sex scenes, and found the addicted part of my brain wishing that the sex scenes would come back. A bit disconcerting. Otherwise feeling pretty good. A bit numb.

    The "flatline" so far hasn't been as bad as it was the last time I went pornfree, at least so far. I've got some libido and definitely feel attracted to real women. I might flatline more later on.
     
  17. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day ten - yesterday I mentioned I was feeling a bit numb. That feeling has continued today. Possibly flatline effects beginning to take hold. No cravings though. Meditation seems to be helpful with that, as does a firm "I don't want porn" stance.

    Meditation has made the weird numbness a bit easier too - helped me develop a more open and accepting relationship with it. It's still there but it's not inducing any mental cycles of anxiety or whatever. Still, it's a bit of a depressive state, and I'm looking forward to hopefully regaining some energy soon.
     
  18. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day eleven - the sort of depressive state came to a low point yesterday. I'm working through some insecurities unrelated to quitting P at the moment, and am also approaching a pretty major change in my life. That, combined with the withdrawal-induced numbness, makes for a pretty overwhelming combination.

    I was able to at least get a label on to why I'm feeling this way at the end of the day yesterday. Which hopefully means I'll be better equipped to deal with it. I am feeling better this morning.

    Sex-wise, I'm definitely in flatline land. Very few thoughts of sex enter in to my head.
     
  19. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day 12 - had some morning wood this morning which was nice. Still in the land of flatlining and fuzzy-brain though. I felt super scatterbrained and anxious this morning. I did a meditation exercise and am now feeling more grounded, but still fuzzy like I've felt over the last several days.

    The fuzzy mind serves as a reminder as to how deeply porn addiction affects us. All it took me was a few views and I'm still feeling the aftereffects of the relapse now, 12 days later. Sobering.

    Upside is I'm experiencing no cravings at the moment, just the weird flatline effects. Riding it out as best I can.
     
  20. BreakingtheHabit

    BreakingtheHabit New Member

    Morning of day 13 - thankfully the depressive/foggy state started to fade away yesterday and today I continue to feel better than I did over the last few days.

    Did have a rather low point yesterday when I realized there's nobody in my life I feel like I'd be comfortable confiding in about this. Had me realizing, rather soberingly, that I'm facing this alone. It helps to have this website though, and the option of seeking professional help is always there.

    Anyway, keeping my eyes ahead and hoping that things will continue to swing upward as they look like they're starting to.

    Speaking of things "swinging upward," I had morning wood again this morning. Progress!

    Stay strong everyone.
     

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