Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights (Day 31)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Beefheart, Jun 3, 2012.

  1. Beefheart

    Beefheart New Member

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights + new summary, goals (Day 26)

    Got the numbers wrong! Yesterday was day 25, day 26 now. :-X

    Day 26

    Yesterday's good mood remained with me today. Uneventful day, but I felt great just getting groceries in town.

    • I am now aware of a bad habit: inwardly desiring attention from every girl I see. This isn't even about being attracted to them - if there's a girl in the street I just want her to look at me. The ego-boost I receive if she does is utterly negligible, and if she doesn't I instantly forget it. Bear in mind I'm not even intending to approach these women.

      It's just a useless complex. I suppose being a virgin means I am hypersensitive to any female attention - it's clearly borne out of low confidence. I don't know how this truly differs from a healthy libido, but intuition tells me it's libido with a passive form of neediness mixed in.

    Stretching notes

    I've definitely made some progress with my phimosis.

    • Previously, I could only expose the glans when semi-erect. That's very slowly improving, but now when semi I can retract it much further behind the corona. Unfortunately there's an unmistakeable 'waistband' effect when I pull it back, meaning my boner resembles an hourglass.

      That's probably more comfortable than it sounds - I'm finally experiencing some mobility when erect. It is so tempting to masturbate just to experience this brand new sensation of doing it with the glans exposed, but that's not an option!

    Hi Fah, thanks for reading.

    Seems many guys report what you feel, but I personally never have. My relationship to music has changed hugely in the past year or two -- I'll try to explain.

    Between the ages of about 4-20 I was dependent on music to get to sleep. Maybe even before that, since both my parents would sing to me. When I was a kid I literally could not sleep without some kind of music playing (as you can imagine this lead to rather precocious tastes). I was addicted. As a kid I would put literally anything on - I could fall asleep to techno. I was treating music like ambient lighting or a scented candle. I now consider that a disrespectful use of music. If you can fall asleep listening to music, you're not listening to it!

    The shift came when I started listening intently - doing nothing but listening. When I was 16-17 I started experiencing music as pure ecstacy. After learning to 'hear' lyrics, most music would keep me wide awake, but I still felt I required it on a 'background noise' level until I was 21. Basically I grew more 'mindful' over time. I realised that if something's worth doing, it's worth doing deliberately. I made no decision - I just gradually stopped listening to music in bed, stopped using my mp3 player at every opportunity. Since then my attention to music has been sublime. The slightest modulation in a note can send shivers down my proverbial.

    I am listening to music less than I ever have before, and when I do listen I am usually overcome with feeling - joy, the good kind of misery, hilarity - the whole spectrum of emotion, really.

    I still put music on when cooking, and sometimes even use an mp3 player when I'm out, but the best advice I can give to appreciate music better is to just listen. Do nothing but listen, and when it's over, listen to the silence between the songs. Zen meditation might be helpful to you, but I never did this properly.

    You may also benefit from one the most edifying music books ever written: Ian MacDonald's Revolution In The Head. It's ostensibly about The Beatles and the 1960s, but MacDonald's understanding and above all his ceaseless compassion make it an incredible paean to music and its power to change the world. The Beatles form my earliest musical memories, but he taught me to listen to them completely anew. Most music books are so terrible -- this one is amazing.

    Sorry I can't offer any proper advice. The best music has always done incredible things to my brain and porn has always been a secondary drug to it. Thanks for making me write this though-- I can suddenly see the parallels between my musical 'addiction' and sexual rebooting. Music has never meant more to me now that I use it sparingly.
  2. Champion

    Champion Back To Settle Unfinished Business

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights + new summary, goals (Day 26)

    I know right! This was so new and weird to me at first.

    • Good observation. I recognize this too. I'm going to stop doing this!

      You're doing great man. Keep it up!
  3. Fah

    Fah New Member

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights + new summary, goals (Day 26)

    Thanks for replying to my question Beefheart. Music is very different for me to enjoy because of this addiction. While I am listening I usually get paranoid over the silliest things, like contemplating if the lyrics I hear are correct or trying to decipher which instruments are playing what, which really throws me off. Not to mention my numbed pleasure response will make it virtually impossible at times. Before this, I had no problems with anything like this, at least when I figured out what the lyric actually was my feelings toward it never really changed the song for me. This is very annoying and I wonder whether or not I should even be listening to music so early in my reboot.
  4. Beefheart

    Beefheart New Member

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights + new summary, goals (Day 26)

    Day 27 - Testosterone observations

    Okay okay, chest hair. No joke. I suddenly have some chest hair. It's not much, but more than I expect to suddenly grow aged 22. Thought these things were supposed to be settled!

    I have always been kind of androgynous in appearance. Not been mistaken for a girl in 6 years, but even now I'd probably make a convincing cross-dresser if I had to. I'm very slim and though there's plenty of hair elsewhere, my chest has always been smooth. First noticed some 2 days ago. Have I really been suppressing my testosterone that much? I'm curious if other lads have noticed this.

    I also experienced the negative side-effect of testosterone for the first time ever: genuine hot aggression. I had been crossing an extremely gridlocked road when one motorist decided to vent his rage at me. I wasn't holding him up, he was merely upset that I was getting somewhere by bipedal locomotion whilst he was stuck in a honda, so he tried to run me over. My inner idiot awoke and I gave him the finger. A heated exchange ensued and I didn't know where my anger was coming from. Worst of all, I kind of enjoyed it. It gave me a buzz.

    I know I was correct here, but shit! The entire incident was completely out-of-character for me. I am usually terrible at standing up for myself, but today I swung round to the opposite extreme and could've got in a very nasty situation. Still, it did give me a buzz - best not make a habit of it.

    I don't know if I can break this habit at all. I kept doing it today but with one difference: one girl returned my gaze and she seemed to stare right into my soul for the whole duration we passed each other. I felt an incredible rush of bliss and the moment seemed like ages. In reality it was probably about 6 seconds.

    That was so great, but it's still a selfish habit. It's only now that I'm finally wondering what she might have felt during that moment. Back then all I thought was "mmmmmmmm".

    Thanks for your posts Champ. We're at similar times (although I think my progress has been a little slower than yours) and it's great to see your progress.

    That's terrible. Can porn really do this? I couldn't find your journal to better understand it.

    I'd suggest if music really makes you paranoid, avoid it for now. Or try the opposite and keep playing it until you stop overthinking and can experience it as noise.

    Alternatively find some simpler music: ambient or Indian Classical music can be very calming - the latter might be especially therapeutic for you since it starts slowly and gradually builds up to full activity. This is the only kind of music I can put on if I wish to improve concentration on other subjects. Hopefully you'll something that works.
  5. Fah

    Fah New Member

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights (Day 27)

    Thanks for the suggestion. I've noticed that most instrumental music doesn't hold the same consequence, I should probably stick to that for awhile.
  6. Champion

    Champion Back To Settle Unfinished Business

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights + new summary, goals (Day 26)

    Hmm, interesting. I like to think of this whole thing in biological and evolutionary terms. When you think about it that way it actually seems to make sense that we gauge female interest and we enjoy (=reward) when we find some of them seem very interested in us (holding gaze). In nature all this could eventually lead to mating.

    By the way, I wouldn't worry about the testosterone rage. It might seem out of character now, but ask yourself, is it really so bad? Wasn't it actually positive in some ways?

    Oh and about the hair. Yes, a little more facial hair.

    Let's do this Beefheart!
  7. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights (Day 27)

    Other than the rage, you're doing really well man! Let's keep sticking together.
  8. xavier

    xavier New Member

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights + new summary, goals (Day 26)

    I've had this habit for a long time. Really distracts me from enjoying myself when I'm out in public. When I see a pretty girl I want ... something ... to happen, but I'm hardly aware of what that is.

    Anyways, congrats on making this effort. Sounds like you're seeing some positive outcomes so I encourage you to keep it up :)
  9. fullset

    fullset Member

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights (Day 27)

    Hey I think we are all guilty of wanting our gaze/stare met in kind. I didn't realize I was doing it until you made me realize what I was doing.

    On another note, do you have any recommendations on Indian classical music?
  10. Beefheart

    Beefheart New Member

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights (Day 27)

    Dangerous moment this morning.

    Very hungover today, accidentally clicked a sexual advice column and no-so-accidentally M'd for 10 seconds, twice. It took a hard slap to the balls (not recommended) to get the bugger back down. 10 seconds bouts of M may not sound like much, but I'm so stoked up that I'd probably blow my load in 30. Definitely the closest I've been to a relapse. Don't get hungover, don't read lifestyle sections!

    I believe I already had the horn due to much sexual flattery from a friendly gay man last night. I didn't lead him on but he gave me more compliments on my looks in one night than womankind has given me in a year -- I'm sure that contributed to my instability this morning.

    Day 29 - some notes about mood

    I had a really good night by saying 'yes!' to every situation. I'm not entirely new to that, but it's getting better and easier every time I go out.

    Since the second week my mood has been very good. There's still the full range of emotion, but the lows aren't as low and the highs are higher -- and more frequent.

    It is also much easier to let go of negativity. I don't beat myself up so much over past mistakes and I have let go of a lot of hurt from the past year.

    Would I have believed 35 days ago that quitting masturbation would lead to this? No way.

    Oh aye, there was something positive about it. But I am not at all trained to handle it. My estranged father -who is much more masculine than me- had an incredibly hot temper and it caused him to be in various car crashes (he'd try to overtake buses) and scuffles (also mainly road rage).

    I am wondering if taichi / shadowboxing is a good way to channel this energy - I know two musicians who are licensed teachers.

    That's exactly it - it distracts you from enjoying yourself. Yes sure it's natural to chat with the eyes, but I shouldn't be subconsciously seeking their validation, which I suspect is a part of it.

    Loads! If you want more recommendations I can PM you, but here are a couple of less obvious ones:

    • Hindustani Slide Guitar played by Debashish Bhattacharya (my favourite is the Raga Bhimpalasi one -- that Bob Brozman collaboration isn't Indian classical btw).
    • Sitar from Shujaat Hussain Khan - he also sings ghazals beautifully. Really recommend his Persian-Indian crossover "Ghazal - Moon Rise Over The Silk Road".
    • Sarod played by Amjad Ali Khan (in particular the Shahana and Bahar in "Music from the 13th century")

    The performer's names don't matter much much if you have favourite ragas, instruments and tempos. For instance I love anything in the Kafi raga because it resembles my native Celtic music. It's a really diverse tradition so it's hard to go wrong if you keep experimenting!
  11. fullset

    fullset Member

    Re: Quitting Tropical Hot Dog Nights (Day 29)

    Thanks for the suggestions dude.
  12. Beefheart

    Beefheart New Member

    Day 31, opinions needed!

    Okay, yesterday I may have ejaculated without orgasm when fully aroused. But I can't be sure.

    You may remember I have frenulum breve (tight banjo string). I was reading the medical experience of a another guy, and it got to sex with his girlfriend. Nothing very graphic, but since I was rock hard I checked my banjo-string for tightness.
    Within about 5 seconds of pulling my foreskin back I ejaculated a clear-ish liquid. It looked like precum, but it was slightly cloudy and usually you don't feel precum shooting out, right? It lacked semen's antiseptic smell, but I had been pretty aroused for a long time, maybe half an hour, before this happened.

    I haven't felt brain fog, I haven't felt a chaser or anything associated with orgasm, but ejaculation surely has consequences of its own? If indeed it was cum, which I'm not sure about.
    To be honest I think that counted as masturbation - checking my frenulum was an excuse to touch myself. But there was no porn or orgasm involved. My instinct tells me not to reset the counter, but I'm giving into arousal by touching myself far too often, regardless of whether it's P+O.
  13. Beefheart

    Beefheart New Member

    At home today but still, feel pretty content. Think I am safe, incredibly.
    With that near-miss in mind:

    Immediate areas for improvement

    (Immediate because I can't go out and hit on strange women overnight.)

    - Positive use of sexual energy.
    Intellectually aware that my masculinity isn't my dick, but that's not what the body is saying. I can feel all this uncontrollable energy in my 'manhood' whilst the rest of my body feels inert or neuter. Certainly can't summon the energy to exercise or even dance atm - both of these things would surely help. Currently I cannot get over the constant tension in my penis, genuinely feels like I'm edging half the time. I feel like a eunuch who has been surgically attached to a madman. Fortunately for this whole 'being a better person' thing, I can't just release all this tension into a woman's body.

    Has anyone had success with the solo energy transmutation exercises? I have had difficulty so far. The palm-genital thing in particular just makes me feel stupid.

    How have you found yoga, meditation or taichi? These are more feasible for me than running or lifting weights. Presently my only exercise is frequent walking - this is a hilly town so that's a surprisingly good cardiovascular workout.

    - Stop touching the damn thing
    I've slapped my hand away in good time so far, but here's the thing: I don't even know how to stop reaching. Tight trousers and underwear make it less accessible but then erections are uncomfortable (and they take ages to go away, so I cave in and let it out).

    I know what you're thinking: this one's not a problem when I'm out. But we can't be out all the time. My social life isn't that wild.

    Note: foreskin stretching hasn't been a problem guys - if you have phimosis, go for it! If you're doing it properly it's completely non-sexual.

    - Curb internet use.
    Staring at internet shit is also a major cause of my dry eyes, and that's no fun. I have tonnes of things to do: instruments to play, books to read, letters to write, meals to make -- everything suffers for this habit - even online duties.

    I did well in the challenge, but I sank back into it like a bowling-ball sinks into a beanbag. I'm thinking of making a new challenge thread if anyone's interested!

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