Question on honesty with new people

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Izra, Nov 27, 2013.

  1. Izra

    Izra New Member

    I am not the sharpest tool in the box socially - I imagine that may be true of many of us, due to what we struggle with and what it does to us.

    That said, I'm in need of some guidance. I am dating, meeting people and getting to know them but not rushing anything sexually. I don't know if I really need to 'rewire' with a woman per se - I do great sexually with women and with porn, and don't suffer from ED, but do have pretty crippling social anxiety and other issues.

    Anyways, I've been alone for a long while, and feel like having companionship in my life would make this so much more doable. But, I don't know how honest to be with new people.

    I'm a recovering alcoholic, sex addict, porn addict, disordered eater, OCD stuff going on... My instinct when communicating with people and when they ask me questions is to answer honestly, but I'm wary of sharing too much with people I barely know, or who don't really want to be that deep. Yet this has been such a huge part of my life and my journey. I mean, shit, I became a buddhist monk years ago to tackle these things, and when people ask me 'why' - how the hell do I answer that in a casual conversation?

    When becoming intimate with somebody, and sex suddenly becomes something that's on the table, how much do I divulge? What should I share? I mean, about to have sex with somebody, and I know that I have had a sex and porn addiction, so it's directly applicable.

    I feel like I have to soften my honesty in order to not scare people away. Thoughts, suggestions, personal experiences with relevance?
  2. lookingahead

    lookingahead To restore my inmost being. Staff Member

    When you recover from PMO and continue to have a healthy sexual relationship, and when you recover from all your past addictions and compulsive behaviors, it will all be a thing of the past. You will be a different person. Then you can decide what you think you should tell her.
  3. Izra

    Izra New Member

    So you're saying I should hide a huge portion of my life (several addictions, OCD, traumas, things that drove large decisions of my life) until I'm all good, and then decide?

    Or that I should wait until I'm all good before entering into a relationship?

    If the latter - well, my therapist has quoted me 'years of work' for that happening, heh.
  4. lookingahead

    lookingahead To restore my inmost being. Staff Member

    I would take time to get to know her first, and for her to know you. Focus on gaining trust and understanding between the two of you. You don't want to tell a person you recently met all of your deepest secrets and skeletons in your closet. Gain that trust first.

    But my original point was that if you grow and develop in your relationship with her, a healthy relationship is the best medicine for the past porn and sex addiction. And if your sexual/romantic relationship with her helps you move on and recover from your past addictions, then figuring out what to tell her or not tell her won't be as big of a deal after all.
  5. WillGrit

    WillGrit New Member

    I second exactly what he said. You need to build that trust, and then share all details of your past. She might have some dark secrets too. Sharing those things, after gaining trust will only make the relationship stronger.
  6. SelfControl2013

    SelfControl2013 "Infinite patience produces Immediate results"

    Once you become fully recovered you ll have so much confidence you can share any thing with any one and feel good about it.

    But until then you can just keep quiet. dont say nothing, you dont have to explain any thing to any one.

    "why did you become a monk?" I just liked to try it.
    "Why are you meditating? " I Just like it.
    "why are you XYZ" ... I JUST LIKE IT. THEN SILENCE.

    Don't feel ashamed or guilty for not explaining, in explaining your apologizing, and you do not hae to apologize for wanting to evolve.
  7. joelski

    joelski New Member

    Everyone has stuff that they're ashamed of. You don't have to wear it like a scarlet letter for everyone to see.

    That being said, if you meet someone and you feel the need too own up to her when the opportunity is right I wouldn't be afraid of doing it. If she's worth keeping she will understand and maybe even respect you more for doing so, especially if you've overcome your addictions.

    I was divorced and my marriage was destroyed in part because of my addiction. I've met someone new and haven't told her everything but I've shared some things and she's been really accepting. She loves me for who I am, not necesarily what I've done in the past.

    Sometimes you just have to move on and realize that there is way more to you than what happened in the past so that you can live a new life now. That doesn't mean you hide it all from everyone, but you also don't have to dwell on it either.

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