Essentially my whole life, I have been plagued with a sense of self-loathing. I think my fetishes might reflect this. Recently I have started watching femdom videos. It started with what might be called "gentle" femdom, but then progressed to porn which was degrading and humiliating to watch. I have also started to watch cuck porn. I hated myself for watching it, and even felt severe emotional distress while watching it, but I couldn't help but be attracted to it. Like a moth to a flame. I have even started viewing porn with the theme of "never going to happen"; i.e., I will never sleep with the girl in the pic/video and I will always be stuck with porn. This was also pretty upsetting from an emotional standpoint, but nevertheless, I still continued watching it. I am wondering if these fetishes are a manifestation of self-abuse. I think they are a way reenacting past rejections by women, which hurt me pretty bad at the time. Has anyone experienced something similar? If this post is too graphic, please delete it or ask me to do so. I apologize for kind of rambling here.