Pursuit of a Hygienic Living

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by European Wanker, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. European Wanker

    European Wanker New Member

    Hello Everyone,

    As an opening post, a small confession: my posts on this forum will be the same as another which focuses on addition to pornography and masturbation. I will simply copy and paste from one to the other, and vice-versa. For some reason, this feels a little taboo - a ridiculous notion, yet nonetheless I feel it anyway. My reason for doing this is because I have been attempting to 'rebalance' my brain and remove PMO from my life for a number of years. As such, for this latest attempt, I wish to be as proactive in forums as possible, as I wish to garner as many perspectives from others as is possible. As such, I will begin my thread here with a few notes from previous days. Thanks to everyone for their attention, and I wish you all good luck with your individual journeys today.

    Day 0

    Hello to everyone that happens to read this opening entry.

    I do not wish this to be a contrived opening statement, wrapped in hopes and wishes, buoyed by the new calendar year and the optimism it brings. I wish this introductory note, as well as all the accounts ahead, to be written in candid plain language and to appear as a straight forward account of a necessary transition.

    I am now thirty-four and, admittedly, a rather immature man. There are many facets of my being that I wish to improve, however, as a start, I feel overcoming PMO is a necessary start. A number of years ago, I managed to achieve 64 days without PMO. It was a time during which I felt very good: strong, confident and, most of all, happy with myself. This is the feeling I wish to strive towards again.

    This journal will be an account of this process, as well as a few notes in regard to other positive developments I attempt, in regard to becoming a whole, complete and mature adult male.

    Thanks, and I wish everyone all the very best of luck in the New Year. I look forward to reading the journals of everyone else whom writes here. Cheers!

    Day 1

    At the current time of writing, it has passed over into the next day where I live (eastern Europe), so I feel I can label this new entry as 'Day 1' now. Alright, it's only a few minutes into 'Day 1', however I want to share my thoughts at this midnight hour (not quite the witching hour, or the time when one experiences the dark night of the soul), as I am being kept awake by a feeling of apprehension.

    Part of this is due to the fact that I am back at work tomorrow, after a good twenty-days of festive/holiday absence. Yet the chief reason is that I worry I will, once again, be unable to help myself achieve the title of this thread: a hygienic living. I hope to expand upon this more in future entries, yet for now the simplest explanation for what I mean is that I wish to have a healthy attitude to human sexual relationships. Not something ruled by fantasy and false-desired - just 'normal' (though I've not quite figured out what this is, especially now at this late hour).

    As it is, I am both nervous and excited about the days ahead.

    This will do for now, as I will attempt to sleep again. Goodnight everyone!

    Day 1 continued....

    As with past experiences, now - unfortunately - spread over a period of four-to-five years, my first days and weeks of a new 'streak' always follow the same route. So, according to script, at the end of today, the first, I feel absolutely fine. I have no wish to watch pornography, no desire to masturbate, no temptation to even edge. This will be the case tomorrow also, as will be the case on Friday (my third day). Matters will begin to grow less simple over the weekend, as the fourth day kicks in. Too be honest, my normal non-PMO schedule coinciding with the weekend is not the most opportune time, as this weekend I will be on my own. I need to come up with a strategy to cope with this, so any suggestions from anyone whom happens to read this post would be most appreciated. In fact, I am considering going into work, to pull myself away from temptations found in the home.

    Perhaps the only relevant news from this first day is that I was very aware of one of my key triggers. This being: stress at work (perhaps going to work over the weekend is not a good idea then?!). In the most stressful moments today, my thirsty brain was begging for a hit of whatever chemical - dopamine et al - PMO offers to satisfy it with. Lots has been written about PMO being used as an avoidance technique, to enable those of us addicted to its sweet nectar to hide from pain or difficulty. This is certainly true for me, so I need to be aware of stress triggers, particularly during and after the weekend.

    Thanks for reading everyone. Good luck with your own reboot attempts.

    P.S. If anyone has any recommendations for interesting videos on pornography addiction, please kindly share them with me.

    One final thought I wish to share... As well as trying to quit PMO, I also am trying to decrease my alcohol in take. I do not touch spirits, very rarely drink wine, so I am principally referring to beer. Today, like with PMO, was my first day of not drinking at home. In truth, this was much more difficult than avoiding pornography and masturbation. I like a beer in the evening, I do!

    Day 2

    Today was a difficult one for me. Possibly going against what I wrote in a previous post, I feel that the changes I've made may have influenced me negatively today. There was an incident at work which has given me pause for thought. I am a teacher, and the past two days have been the first back after the Xmas break. Students are tired, trying to adjust from a vacation routine to a working one. In the last lesson of the day, I completely lost it with two students. Like normal teenagers they were complaining and moaning a little bit, and - as I wrote - I lost it. I became instantly very nervous, thinking they were being rude to me, and my legs started to shake. Probably as a reaction to feeling weak, I chewed them out to an extent and shouted at a level I probably should not have. Now, I admit I am rather stressed at the moment. I have A LOT of work on, so maybe it was nerves centred around this too. However, I do think going from 3/4 wanks a day, as well as 3/4 beers a day, combined with a change in diet, may also have contributed to this reaction.

    Day 3 - Morning

    Knowing that I have an outlet to relate my feelings to, meaning this forum, is currently a great source of comfort to me. This morning is a prime example of this.

    I woke up early, 90-minutes earlier than normal. Throughout my life I have always had great anxiety when it comes to sleep. If I feel I am not getting enough, whether it be not falling asleep soon-enough, waking in night, or waking up too early, I easily grow very stressed and begin to think that this will compound upon an untold number of other anxieties (making me feel worse). Today, the reason for this is due to the high amount of work-pressure I am under at the moment, outlined in a previous post. The reason why I am writing this on a NoFap forum, as opposed to one centred on more general anxiety issues, is due to the fact that my immediate though - upon waking up - was to masturbate, or play with my penis, in order to relieve this stress. Certainly, this is a trigger warning and something to be aware of during this time in my life.

    Other morning observations: I have a mild, dull headache, which has been present ever since yesterday; no morning erection; now I am awake, I do not feel any particular need or desire to masturbate or watch pornography.

    Have a good day everyone.
  2. European Wanker

    European Wanker New Member

    Day 4

    I awoke with true urges today, to the point that I was on the verge of edging. However, I managed to pull myself round and these sensations did not lead to anything.

    For the next few weeks, I am trying to avoiding touching my penis as much as possible - asides from the usual daily actions of course. I do have an unfortunate, childish habit, of 'playing with my penis' when I am bored, something akin to what a toddler would do. To combat this I once, in the past, would place an elastic band around my wrist. Whenever I had an urge I would flick it, pull it up an down above my wrist. This really worked for me, so I feel I will go back to it.

    On the drinking front, I am sticking to my pledge to not drink alcohol at home. So far, as it is now Saturday evening where I live, I have not had a single beer today. On top of this, I am trying to be more mindful when it comes to diet. I am watching my diet and calorie intake on myfitnesspal.com, which has always served me well when it has come to losing weight in the past. I am not 'fat' by any means, perhaps 4-kilos over-weight, yet I wish to eat more healthily. Four years ago, I managed to get myself to a high level of fitness. However, I now recall, thinking back to sweating whilst running however many kilometres I was doing on the treadmill, that all the time - then - I was thinking about how, when I got home from the gym, my favourite porn videos were waiting for me. I wish I had known about the dangers of PMO addiction then, as I had managed to reach a very high level of self-discipline.

    Day 5 tomorrow, half-way to double figures (I always feel like this is the first true road-marker). Have a great weekend everyone!
  3. European Wanker

    European Wanker New Member

    Day 5

    Awoke this morning, after a decent practically undisturbed sleep, with no urges to masturbate at all. The feeling of a need to masturbate is always what comes first to me, and this this is the avenue that directly leads to porn usage again. Yet, this morning - to repeat - it was not there.

    I have to say though, that I was a little bit silly. It was so pleasing to wake up without the 'urge', as was the case yesterday, that I began focussing on the need 'not to masturbate'. As such, once I got back into bed with a cup of coffee, it was as if I had artificially implanted a need to masturbate. Rather than grabbing my cock, I grabbed my laptop. Before going to bed last night I read a great article that detailed the best method of overcoming PMO is to not think about it to deeply and essentially allow not indulging to become habit. It was based on a journal written by someone on here, yet the article itself was on yourbrainonporn. Food for thought....

    It always feels comforting to write here, so I am pleased to be penning these words to everyone this morning. I hope everyone's day goes well.

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