Progress until I die

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Progress?, Apr 19, 2012.

  1. Progress?

    Progress? New Member

    I am 32 and started viewing internet pornography in high school. After high school I went to a Christian college and hit the firewall so many times from my dorm room that the school cut off my internet access. Unfortunately for my porn addiction, I transferred to a public university where it was easier for me to feed my internet addiction. As a Christian, I felt like I was living a double life as I tried to keep my porn habits secret from my friends and family. The people I did tell didn't know how to handle this information, and I wasn't really given many tools to fight my addiction. So all through college I struggled with PMO to varying degrees, all with massive amounts of guilt.

    After my undergrad, I continued on to graduate studies, where it was basically the same story for a while. During this period, however, I met my future wife. I told her that I struggled with internet pornography, but she didn't really grasp the issue. I don't think I really grasped the issue then, either. After a couple years of marriage, she found out about my continued struggle with internet pornography, and I started attending a recovery group that met at a church. This group was good, but I often found myself failing at least once a week. The freedom that I wanted I was never able to grasp.

    Basically I am still at the same level. I go through periods where I binge for hours at a time for days at a time, and sometimes I go for a couple of weeks without watching any porn. Over the past couple of months I have watched and searched for porn waaay to much, and I finally googled 'how can I stop watching porn' and I was thankfully led to yourbrainonporn.com. I found the information on the chemical and physiological aspect of porn addiction very enlightening, and it encouraged me to renew my battle against pornography. I think that this forum is going to be very important for me, as a place to be accountable and to seek advice on how to overcome my porn addiction. As a Christian, pornography is a moral issue for me because it is replacing the intimacy that I should direct to my wife with a false promise of easy intimacy with a projected object. However, my brain has developed very strong chemical pathways that I will need to rewire to have success.

    My goal is to overcome my porn addiction because it is a barrier between my relationship with my wife and myself, and it also effects my spiritual relationship with God. I am pretty sure that I will fail and relapse, but I want to be on the path to recovery, not self-destruction. I want to progress until I die by God's grace and for His glory.

    I am currently on day 8 of my reboot.
     
  2. Progress?

    Progress? New Member

    I am on day 9. My energy has been pretty low, but I think that is because I have not gotten much sleep lately. I am generally pretty mellow, but I think I am a little down today. Hopefully this weekend will allow me some more sleep. I hope this is the beginning of a good stretch. The weekends can be tough for my addiction, so last weekend I decided not to have any unsupervised internet usage after 6:00, and I think I will continue that rule for this weekend. Whatever gets results, right?
     
  3. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hi progress?,

    You're doing good so far, keep it up.

    For internet usage I suggest installing K9 filter onto your computer (I installed it a few days ago). Helps when you have an urge to "take a peak" and to test yourself whether you still can resist the project object. ;)

    What have you talked about this with your wife? People here, who have wifes say that they are an amazing support to quitting PMO.
     
  4. Progress?

    Progress? New Member

    Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions, Laurynas. I will look into installing K9 onto my computer. My wife knows about my porn addiction, but I haven't specifically talked with her about recent struggles. I think that my struggle is too hurtful to her right now. This is a good time for a reboot since my wife is pregnant and is not really wanting any sex.
     
  5. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    You can ask your wife to help you with the K9 filter. At first you'll have to "unban" some sites (if you do use them) such as youtube. Make a difficult password and give it to your wife for safe keeping. She will be the one that will help you "unban" the needed sites and will control your internet usage in that way so you don't "unban" a site that would make you relapse.

    What do you think about that idea?
     
  6. Progress?

    Progress? New Member

    Day 12:

    So far so good. My weekend went well. I had an erotic dream about my wife on Friday night and woke up very horny. My wife, although pregnant and not wanting sex, nevertheless understood my plight and helped me out. While that was nice, I found my mind remembering some pornographic scenes during our lovemaking and that was alarming to me. Yet another reason to get rid of porn from my life.

    Today I find myself a little down and dragging, and I can see some warning signs of pornagraphic cravings. Hopefully I can keep myself busy at work and make it home and stay offline.
     
  7. Progress?

    Progress? New Member

    It is a good idea, but I am hesitant. When I bring up issues like this with my wife, she takes it very hard. While my recovery is important, I want this to be a time that I grow closer with my wife. I've also found that when I've installed filters I try to see what they'll let me see. I know when I am acting out, whether the images are explicit or not. When I've used filters I have rationalized my actions by thinking, "that got through the filter, it must be ok", when in reality it is still feeding my addiction. I don't think it works that way for everybody, but that has been my experience.

    Having said that, the important thing is overcoming this addiction, whatever it takes. I'll think about it...
     
  8. Progress?

    Progress? New Member

    Reboot do-over: day 1:

    So after ~ 2 1/2 weeks of success, this last week I fell back into my old habits of PMO, so I am restarting the clock and today is day 1.

    First the confession: before church this morning I masturbated. As I've said, I had been looking at porn fairly often over the last several days. Then when I get to church the sermon talked quite extensively about porn and internet addiction. This encouraged me. There are a lot of people that struggle with this addiction, and I think that speaking openly about it and shining light on it can help encourage people to seek help and diminish the stigma that any addiction has, but maybe especially porn addiction.

    Some things that were helpful to me from the sermon today are the idea that you have to be prepared to battle all of the time: "Be killing sin, or sin will be killing you". You can replace addiction for sin, and I think that that saying applies just as well. Porn addiction, as all addictions, leads to deeper and deeper shit. The ultimate end of my porn addiction is adultery and death.

    The pastor also said that hope is found when our affections are placed in the right thing. As a Christian, this means that my affections need to be placed in Christ. But this is hard to do, because what I often want to do is look at porn, when what I need to do is look to Christ. This requires me to intentionally, daily cultivate a relationship with Jesus. But too often porn feels more real to me than Jesus. I think that there is some great insight from addiction research that shows how the addicts brain is rewired to value his addiction higher than it rationally should be. The addiction becomes ultimate. It isn't until reality sets in that the addiction can be overcome.
     
  9. Progress?

    Progress? New Member

    Day 2:

    So far so good. Got a lot done today which always feels nice. One of my first instincts was to go look up porn as I have some down time right now. This is going to be tough...
     

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