Priapus' journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Priapus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Hi, my name's Priapus and I'm a wanker.

    As of time of writing, I am 38 years old. I started PMOing long before there was an internet. Dirty magazines were currency when I was a kid. I must have started masturbating to this stuff around age 12 and haven't stopped since - actually, that's untrue; I have stopped - about 15 days ago.

    Masturbation was a way of life for me. I did it when I was bored, I did it when feeling unhappy, I did it to relax, relieve stress and wake up. I would sneak off to the toilets at work for a quick-one most days, I would crack one out if the wife went out to the shop. It was like picking my nose or biting my finger nails, just something I did only less likely to do it in public.

    I came across just before Christmas and read most of the site in a single sitting. It was like an epiphany; all the problems that had plagued my adult life were given cause; the ED and PE suddenly made sense. In many ways, it was a huge relief as it gave me something to do about them. So, here I am, 15 days later and 15 days free of PMO and MO - no "last one for the road", no "once more for old time's sake", no "final blowout", no "final curtain-call" and no long goodbyes, just a door in the face of porn and light at the end of the tunnel.

    I found it easy to stop at first, practically trivial, but returning to work this week and travelling away, I have found the urges to be quite strong. Being bored in a hotel room is prime fapping territory, so here I am, making work for idle hands.

    I have deliberately chosen to use a counter and not a spreadsheet to track my nofap. I read the threads discussing the merits and flaws of each and decided that I am going to do this first time, no resets, no relapses, no fuckups. I'm confident about this.

    Why am I so confident? Well, here are my reasons...

    1) I've broken addictions before, without relapse. I used to smoke a lot of weed and, with it, tobacco. I must have smoked the equivalent of 20 cigarettes a day for ten years, all the while thinking I wasn't a smoker. One day, a friend commented that I was such a tobacco addict. In an act of bloody-mindedness, I quit smoking tobacco and weed the same day. That was 12 years ago - never smoked since. In hindsight I was addicted - I went through all the classic withdrawal symptoms and acted like a complete dick to all my friends for a few weeks. I broke it though, and I will break PMO.

    2) Yoda: "Do, or do not. There is no try". This is so true. To try is to accept the possibility of failure and introduce weakness into the equasion. Failure is not an option - I shot porn in the head and left him by the roadside 15 days ago, he ain't coming back. I'm doing this.

    3) I don't consider myself an addict. Now, I've read the big motivational post by TheUnderdog but some of that won't work for me. In my mind, admitting that you're an addict is admitting weakness, it's opening the mind to relapse (that's what addicts do, after all) and a very real risk of failure. It's also shutting the door to change - this is what I don't get about alcoholics always being alcoholics; surely admitting to yourself that you're an addict and clinging to that for the rest of your life is chaining yourself to the problem? I have a problem, problems are there to be overcome, I will overcome this. I'm no addict, I don't need porn, I don't need to masturbate - these are behaviours that are causing me problems, so I will stop doing it. It's like putting your hand in a fire - it hurts, so stop doing it; simple.

    4) I consider that I am still partly wired for women. I am married and still enjoy occasional intercourse with my wife - I have ED and PE issues there, but she can still turn me on, it is just difficult to maintain. I'm hoping I know, this will make my reboot and rewire quicker.

    5) My porn tastes were always quite conservative and natural. I hate fake women - fake tits and fake moaning are some of my biggest turn-offs. I always leant toward amature porn for hardcore and natural-looking women for nude shots, and while I escalted every now and then, the fake people always populated the wierder stuff, so I kept coming back to what I liked. Now, the girls in the stills were always near-perfect godesses and there was a huge novelty/variation element to my PMO but I am thinking that this grounding in more natural and realistic porn might help a little. I always gravitated towards stills where the model was looking into the camera (not just looking at the camera, but actually looking into it like she is actually looking at you) - it's like my brain was always craving that intimate connection, which I can find at home. So, fuck porn, fuck it in the ear - I don't need it.

    6) Last, and most importantly: I love my wife and I love my son. This isn't just about me. Quitting PMO will improve the quality of life of all three of us; my wife and I will become closer and happier than ever, I will be less stressed and have a better relationship with my son. Failing at reeboot will be failing them - I won't fuck this up; I owe them that.

    There we go, that's why I am so confident.

    Some of that might be a little controversial, especially point-3, but that's what's going to work for me - note, not "increase my chances", but "going to work".

    The mind is tremendously powerful; it can be trained and tricked to do almost anything. I trained it into this cluster-fuck and I will trick and train it out. Your mind believes what you tell it - tell it that you're tired and you will be tired, tell it that not fapping is difficult and it will be difficult. On the other hand, if you go to bed every night telling yourself that you aren't going to fap tomorrow, it will be easier. Tell yourself that this no-fap malarky is easy and it will be easy. Remember, this is just stuff you do, chosing not to do it is as easy as deciding to not have a biscuit. Okay, bad analogy - biscuits aren't harmful, try this: PMO stops your dick from doing its job properly, just like stabbing yourself in the eye with a fork stops your eye doing its job properly - just don't do either.

    Returning to the advice from TheUnderdog, my life vision is simple - it's pretty-much point-6. I have a good life, a good job and a great family, it just needs a little polish. I might add something about progressing my career a bit more and paying-off the mortgage early, but things aren't bad for me outside the bedroom. I haven't had many sexual partners in life, but I am not looking to go behind my wife's back to increase that number - I'm happy where I am and numbers don't mean much as you get older (in fact people with fewer sexual partners tend to lead happier lives when they find a long-term partner - training for novelty anyone?). Actually there is something else, I am going to lose a bunch of weight - the mental image of a podgy stallion doesn't really sit well - if I am going to become a love-god, I should have the body to go with it.

    I think I have successfully applied the urgency that TheUnderdog talks about too. Porn is 15-days-dead and ain't smelling too fresh.

    After some initial thought, I decided to enjoy sex with my wife (or try to) when she wants it. This is only likely to be about once or twice per month but I don't want this to affect her more than it already has with the PE and ED. I know orgasming during reboot is supposed to set you back, and if no-one has ever had success with this method, then this will make it all the sweeter when I do succeed.

    So, after 15 days, what effects have I noticed? Well I got a stinking cold and chest infection at the end of week-one, so have been feeling crap - another few days should see me back to normal. I think I went into almost immediate flatline - my penis seems shrunken and softer than it's ever been. Libido is just not there - the little fella stirs to some semblance of life with attention from my wife, but it is short-lived (although once I kept it up long enough to make love). Urges to fap seem habitual/situational more than any specific porn craving - being bored and alone is the greatest urge - I need a new hobby before I buy the whole internet; retail-therapy is unsustainable.

    That'll do for now. More sleep is another life vision addition - no more edging 'til the wee-hours when in a hotel.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sounds good man. Hold on to this powerful motivation. Be aware that strong urges can come back unexpected. Good luck!
  3. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    This weekend is proving difficult. Everyone in the house is suffering under a cold, everyone is stressed for some reason or another and we are all snappy - there have been a few high-volume arguments. The weather is miserable too, which doesn't help.

    The wife and son have gone out for a couple of hours leaving me to cook dinner and all I can think is that a quick fap will drain me of all this tension. It will be so easy to do and will put me in a much better mental place for when they return. Instead, I am pacing around the house with a storm-cloud following me around; I have never peeled potatoes so agressively and the carrots are next.

    In writing this, I have half-realised how ridiculous this tension is - there's no good reason for it, lots of minor things escalating into pointless arguments. The adrenaline and tension are all part of the fight-or-flight reflex and there is nothing happening that needs fighting or fleeing from. This realisation, combined with the writing and a few deep breaths is calming me down. It won't beat the dam-busting release of MO but it will have to do. Maybe I can hit the dumbbells for 10 mins before threatening the carrots.

    Thanks for listening.
  4. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Oh yes, they are with me today.

    I'm working from home today and finding it very difficult to concentrate on work. I'm tense, lethargic and irritable just want to fap or nap (maybe both).

    I just need to focus on the problems this kind of behaviour has caused me; get angry and resent the urges. My son will be due home from school soon - this will help - once the opportunity is removed the temptation will disappear.
  5. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Clean for three weeks. What's that, about 30 PMO sessions?

    Went out drinking with some work colleagues tonight and the urges arose on the train on the way back to the hotel. Drunken urges don't seem to be any stronger but the resolve is definitely weaker - the voices carrying the justifications and lies were harder to ignore. Bastards.

    Still, I haven't caved-in though. Not going to give them the pleasure.

    I've just deleted all the porn on my phone and tablet. Why I didn't do this three weeks ago, I don't know. Maybe I was testing myself to see if I could avoid it, knowing it was there. Then again, maybe it was a subconcious rationalisation so that I wouldn't have far to look for my favourite smut if I did relapse. Stupid brain. I'm going to miss some of those girls - fucking beautiful. Still, they are just femme fatales that would lead me to no good if I let them stay - I'm better off without them.

    Anyway, I think it's time for bed. I'm tired and the voices can't reach me in my dreams. Good night
  6. NewLeaseOnLife

    NewLeaseOnLife New Member

    You and I have a lot in common, I could have written a lot of this. I like your attitude of not setting a time period as a goal.
  7. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    No pain no gain. This is your willpower gaining a few pounds of muscle 8)

    Reading this:

    "I shot porn in the head and left him by the roadside 15 days ago, he ain't coming back."

    was music to my ears :)
  8. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    I like the idea of having to exercise willpower to make it stronger. It puts some context in the weak willpower experienced when not exercising it to control my porn habit.

    [quote author=NewLeaseOnLife]You and I have a lot in common, I could have written a lot of this. I like your attitude of not setting a time period as a goal.[/quote]

    I have thought the same when reading some of your stuff. I think it's the right attitude to look at an open-ended change - to me, achieving a goal is a cue to stop striving and relax, to let your guard down and kick-back, and that's the wrong attitude to take with porn. These have to be permanent life-changes.

    I don't know if it's the lingering effect of this cold/flu I've had or the effects of giving-up porn but I've been really bloody tired this week. No amount of sleep seems to solve this and my motivation is at rock-bottom - work is a real struggle.

    I am pondering giving-up caffeine as well; caffeine spikes cortisol and gods know I probably have enough of that floating around from giving up porn and fapping. Saying that, giving-up caffeine is likely to cause stress in itself, so there is some considering to be done. Hmm, sweet, sweet caffeine; what to do?

    The stress urges of the last few days seem to have subsided though, which is good. I am also struck by whimsy this eve...

    To fap, or not to fap, that is the question—
    Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
    The Slings and Arrows of erectile disfunction,
    Or to take Arms against our Sea of troubles,
    And by opposing end them.

    And if dusty old poets don't put you off, nothing will.
  9. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Day 24.

    Started reading Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. There's a lot of interesting stuff there but the author doesn't half repeat herself a lot. My wife is curious about the book too, so we will probably both read it.

    We made love when we went to bed and it was pretty damn good. My erection came and went but never fully vanished. We took it really slowly and I managed to last about 30 mins in all. There was lots of pulling back from becoming too impassioned but in the end she practically begged me to make her orgasm. Karezza can wait for now - better to read the book in its entirety first before jumping into something like that.

    Day 25.

    I am definitely noticing the after-effects of having orgasmed. I've noticed that I've been objectifying women a lot less in recent weeks, but today I have been admiring other women's assets a lot more and thinking some dark things about them. That said, at least I am more mindful of the effects, so that should help keep a lid on it. I've also made a greater effort to be more tactile with my wife which is going down well and reminds me more of our early years together.
  10. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Day 29.

    That's over 4 weeks now. Going great guns.
    The post orgasm wandering eye seems to be settling down, although there are a couple of women at work that are hard not to objectify still. I don't seem to have had many urges to PMO since intercourse the other night which is good.

    We are rebuilding our garage and workshop at the moment, so a lot of spare time is given to things like choosing windows, doors, paint and tool storage. This is definitely helping to prevent idle hands. I think boredom is my greatest trigger.

    I've had occasional morning wood recently which is another good sign. I am also feeling less tired - don't get me wrong, mornings are still a struggle but I am not a sleepy, motivationless wreck during the day like I have been in the past. Motivation still isn't great and I still get some anxiety about starting bits of work but it is better than it has been.

    All in all, happy but not surprised to have made it this far.
  11. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Day 30, my birthday.

    A bit of a non-entity day. Been busy from waking right through to going to bed. Got home after midnight, so didn't see my wife or son on my birthday. I think this is the first year in my working life that I didn't take the day off. A shame on reflection, but I was too busy to think about it really.

    Day 31.

    Been to the dentist for a filling today and also had a really big, shouty arument with my neighbour; the man's a complete cock but it's left me stressed and agitated. The urge to give myself some hand-administered stress relief has been a constant nag since. I'm hoping to get my son to bed and have a relaxing evening with my wife and wind-down.
  12. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Day 31, continued.

    I am reading more of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow and something has just clicked. For months toward the end of 2013 I had been getting a lot of headaches - maybe two days out of three. I was blaming coffee consumption at the time. They weren't particulary intense and only had me reaching for painkillers for on maybe 20% of headache days (about once per week).

    These headaches disappeared a few days after stopping PMO. I didn't really notice this with the excitement and craziness of Christmas but the correlation is clear, in hindsight. I've not had one in January. (I haven't changed my coffee drinking habits either)

    Hmm. Food for thought.
  13. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Day 33

    It's been a good few days. We went out for lunch yesterday and had a friend around last night; it was good to socialise - we live about 25 miles from most of our friends, so opportunities for socialising tend to be few. People being around really helped keep the urges at bay and it's my wife's time of the month, so that was another potential weight off my mind.

    Quite the liberating and problem free weekend really.

    I need to do a tax return by the end of the week which is usually a stressful and hateful experience. It'll be interesting to see how I bear-up to that.
  14. me_vs_p

    me_vs_p Guest

    Your counter says a big fat 34. That's something I can only dream of right now. You're doing great by the looks of it.
    Stress is a dangerous trigger, at least it is for me. Last time I PMO'd six times on one day was when a stressful event was awaiting me. With 34 days under your belt it seems to me that you have gathered enough willpower by now to deal with a little stress, isn't it?
  15. jankal

    jankal Member

    Hi Priapus

    great to read your story - your resolve is inspiring.. good stuff.

    Also, yep, you gave me the idea to get rid of the goal.. no point counting days if the plan is never again..

    All the best, Kalx
  16. taming_the_mind

    taming_the_mind New Member

    Hey bud,

    I love your writing and will be following your thread. I'm restarting my own attempt and reading posts helps some. Maybe it's because I can't fap if I'm reading. Well, whatever works.

    I also really like this bit that you wrote below. This is spot on. Those beautiful actresses are bloody Sirens with their alluring call. I too never liked the fake stuff and preferred natural actresses in natural scenes. And it was a radio interview with one such actress that pushed me down the slippery slope of relapse. I think she was that much more attractive because beyond her looks, she sounded smart (not ditzy) and had a pleasant personality. Like someone I'd hang out with in real life.

    I once came across a post by a guy who said part of his recovery involved breaking up with his favourite porn actresses. How he felt was very much similar to any real-world breakup. He cried and moped for a while.

    I think beyond the sheer volume and visual quality (HD) of high-speed porn, a bigger threat is how the scenes are becoming more realistic. Like they could actually happen, without any of the fakeness and campiness we used to associate with porn. The actress I really liked has had a decade long career in hardcore and she's transiting out into the mainstream (hence the radio interview). Before I began abstinence I remember comparing her early stuff with her latest stuff and it was so different. The later stuff seems so much more real, especially since what's permissible in society is changing.

    The way I see it, porn's becoming less fake and more like the real-world, and the real-world, by being increasingly hyper sexual, is becoming more like porn. Both are coming together from different directions, and the lines are blurring.

    That's helluva dangerous, especially for youth who started with the ultra-realistic "good" stuff.

  17. maloo

    maloo New Member

    Hell yes! I love this.

    Maybe you're not one. At least not in the "disease" sense of the word you seem to be taking it in. I guess you really find out when you go without it. But it's really complicated because it is so twisted up with a physical process and a mental/emotional one. Addiction is much more complicated than the relationship one has with whatever they are addicted to. It's a coping service somehow. And therefore...'s simple in theory but not in practicality to someone who has a weaker will and resolve than you, and has a lot of insecurities that the PMO is masking. Those layers of masks and coping issues are what turns the relationship into an "addiction." For someone who is in DENIAL of the mess they are in, and who cannot bear the thoughts of how they are really screwing themselves up, the admitting to an addiction is an essential step, I believe. Once they take that step, then they can take the step that you are talking about--the "just do it!" step--with much more power.

    The addict personality has told themselves a thousand times "no more, just stop it, that was the last time, I can do this" and usually they meant it too. But since the underpinning issues remained, they relapsed. I can say this is true of myself and is obviously true of others. I used to say the same things about smokers who had "quit before"--uh, you never really quit! Duh!--but I didn't really see the grounds for the behaviors. Just the behaviors. It's one thing to be right. It's another thing to choose what's right and follow through.

    What's crystallizing for me now is that once a relapse happens, it is ten times more destructive and dangerous than the first hit ever was. Because now you have not only the neural pathways to reprogram but you have to reprogram pathways that tell your brain it is incapable of stopping itself. Be thankful that (apparently) you haven't had to deal with that. In that case, you are absolutely right--beating it first time out of the gate is the best way to go!

    You are doing a great job.
  18. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    You are right, it isn't that easy or simle, but convincing yourself is 90% of the battle. If you keep telling yourself that you will beat the addiction, you are much more likely to succeed. Mental attitude plays such a huge role. Self-doubt is your biggest enemy and overcoming that is what you are really doing here. The addiction tells you these things, tells you that you can't make it, tells you that you might as well relapse; it fills you with self-doubt because that's the way it gets you to cave-in. This is why I always say to people, "you can do it, you will do it", it's reinforcement of that self belief.

    There is the old cheesy self-help addage of looking in the mirror and telling yourself things to make them happen. It's pure cheese but that stuff actually works - I don't use the mirror but I convince myself on things and quash thoughts that contradict them. I am an addict really (shh, don't let my brain hear) but building that mental fortress that puts me where I want to be ("I'm not an addict"); it is part of the road to success - picture your destination and convince yourself that you are already there.

    Looking forward at builing the future you want is so much more productive than lokking at past mistakes and fixating on the mess you are in. What's done is done - you can't change what's happened, but you can define what's to come,

    Taming-the-mind (appropriate name, given the above): yeah, I worry about the realism too. Imagine what it will be like when VR goggles become better. Back in the good old days of early internet porn, tiny grainy images were the norm - you had to use your imagination to fill-in what was actually going on.

    I had a similar, but short-lived, sense of loss with certain models - I wouldn't go as far as calling it mourning. I came to the conclusion that it was all just a bunch of ones and zeroes and there was no point mourning over lost data. It's not like it's my financial data or something important that's going to cause me actual problems.

    Strange how the brain copes and rationalises. In some ways, I am viewing my own progress with real, interest - it's like my own little science experiment going on in my own head. Solipsistic science.
  19. Priapus

    Priapus New Member

    Also, Maloo, everyone has the capactiy to have a strong will. They just need to build it and place it.

    If someone threatened your child, I bet you would resolve the strongest will in the world. It would come without hesitation, without doubt, without question. I am willing to put money on the fact that you would give your life for that child - that's willpower and that's in you right now. I bet, just from reading these last few sentances, you felt your resolve stir and harden just at the hypothetical mention of the possibility. You have willpower, you just need to learn to apply it.

    I think this is why I anthropromorphise the problem. Give the addiction a face and make it's threats to you more real and personal. Gives you something to rail against.
  20. maloo

    maloo New Member

    I think you're right Priapus. I suspect that that willpower is within somehow and it is easier to apply for my child, or my needs to be available to be called upon for myself. That's going to take time and will be a challenge. Sometimes I have to borrow the faith of others. Others like you.



    Funny you mentioned solipsism. That would be the model system for the addictions for most of us, wouldn't it? Maybe all of us.

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