Prayer-For-Help's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Prayerforhelp, Sep 1, 2015.

  1. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    I truly hope I can receive the much needed support I need to overcome my addiction to pornography. At the end of the day it's on me.

    I know I have a problem and it is affecting my relationship.

    I like many others grew up in a time of our history where pornography has become so ubiquitous.

    I know now how foolish and stupid I have been and realize how porn changes my brain like any other addiction.

    I have a wonderful wife who is beautiful, smart, and everything in between. I'm an idiot for hurting her and myself by watching porn.

    I don't want to beat myself up about it but rather learn how to cope and manage my everyday life.

    I work from home so this creates an issue.

    Thank you to all who can share a kind word of encouragement.

    Sincerely

    Prayerforhelp
     
  2. TDP

    TDP Member

    You have my support. We are in the same boat my friend. I, too, have a beautiful, loving wife. My addiction almost ended my marriage 10 years ago. I promised to quit then, but went back on my promise and only got better at hiding my addiction. Then about a year ago - it manifested through sexual dysfunction. I have finally given up porn for good. I'm over 4 months in, and things are better, but I still struggle. Realize that this is a long, non-linear process, but it is well worth it. The key is to stay clean. Wish you the best.
     
  3. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Prayers going up for you, for me and for all of our brothers struggling with this addiction.
     
  4. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    Thanks TDP

    I appreciate you offering your support. It truly means a lot to me.

    Funny thing is that I believe I am an inherently good person but I never thought I had a problem until recently. I was totally oblivious and willing to be so because I didn't see the damage my actions were doing.

    I too started having ED as a result of desensitizing myself with Pornography.

    I see all these people who have abstained for days and days. I am literally day one at this point. It's daunting.

    You said things are better. Has your ED subsided?

    I figure urges are always going to be there somehow.
     
  5. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    Thank you WRAT!
     
  6. TDP

    TDP Member

    Same here. When the ED showed up, then I got serious.

    It can be daunting. Some guys on this forum experienced serious withdrawal symptoms - and some guys had none at all. I went through some pretty severe anxiety and depression during the first 60 days, but that has all pretty much subsided. Over the last 4 months, I have instilled within myself an intense hatred for porn and everything it represents. As a result - it is not a problem for me now. I keep my guard up, but I am really no longer tempted by it. I have become very conscious of what I look at, and even what I listen to. I want all of my sexual energy and arousal to be focused on my wife. IMO, that is the only way to truly rewire/reboot.

    Not completely - but I believe it will over time. I really jacked up my brain with 30+ years of MO/PMO. It's going to take time. If I'm focused on my erection during sex, and trying to "force" things to happen - it usually ends in failure. If I'm focused on my wife, her body, and simply on being aroused - things usually go much better.

    You will see a lot of discussion in some of the journals about refraining from, or limiting orgasm for a period of time. I'm becoming a believer in this. There really is a "mind/penis" connection, or "circuit" that gets blown easily with orgasm during reboot. This may not be the case for all guys, but it definitely is for me.

    In any case, just stay away from porn and know that it will take time, but your brain will heal itself.
     
  7. Horton

    Horton Member

    Hey Prayerforhelp.....welcome.

    I really agree with so much of what TDP said in his last post, and will not repeat it. If you want to take some time and effort to muddle through my journal you will see some of my personal experiences with O and no O. You could start in around mid-July to see where the no O discussion begins. The TL;DR is that while I resisted going no O for a long time, now that I've done it on and off recently, I'm becoming a believer in it.

    Best of luck to you. It's a long, hard journey to reclaim your life from P and PIED, but I know it will be worth it once I'm finished. Which, 8+ months in, I'm not even close to being finished yet.
     
  8. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    Thanks so much, I will definitely look at the earlier posts.
     
  9. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    Day Two

    Lots of urges this morning. My wife gets ready for work and walks around the room naked. Then she leaves for work (I work from home) Ugh!!

    Instead of my regular pattern (PMO...I'm getting a hang on these acronyms) I logged on instead to the forum.

    I'm starting to negotiate with myself...anyone ever do that? "You can masturbate....maybe without porn this time....that's healthier right...that's different right?"

    I just got to keep telling myself to wait for REAL sex with my smoking hot wife. It's always much better that way anyway.

    I've installed web blockers. I'm creating complicated passwords I can't remember to make it more complicated to view.

    Obviously I can turn them off but the accountability seems to help.

    I want to abstain for a good long time. I keep hearing how your mojo builds up. I hope that is the way for me because I want to share that energy with the only one it should be for...my wife.

    I am not perfect and i doubt I will be perfect but if I can improve 50% to 90% that has to be better than where I am now....0%!!!

    What's odd is that I don't need porn. My wife is hot and a total freak.

    If I can get past today I will be pretty impressed with myself. I know two days is like a drop in the bucket to some of you guys but this is my first conscious reboot ever.

    I want a sense of normalcy. I want some pride back. I want to really really turn on and please my wife.....not turn off myself with a degrading act that I will immediately feel guilt from.

    It's interesting to me how my wife loves sex (maybe not a high frequency though) and even loves fantasy but hates porn. I envy her for her natural mindset. To her sex is definitely about sharing. For me it's about secrets and shame.

    Women are emotional...men are visual..probably from our caveman days of being hunters...always looking on the horizon for the kill...it simply evolved into hunting for fake pictures instead of real prospects.

    In the natural world there was never ever a situation where a caveman could immerse himself into stone Pornography tablets with thousands of images at his disposal.

    Women are not wired like we are...they want safety and security. That's what i have to keep telling myself...I need to make her feel safe and secure...that's why I am abstaining from MO and PO...to make our relationship whole again.
     
  10. Horton

    Horton Member

    Hang in there. Every day will get a bit easier than the day before. The first few weeks are the toughest to break any addiction, including this one. Your brain will try everything it can to convince you to feed it what it wants, but it's a liar. Don't trust it.

    I will say that right now my libido isn't right, but even during times when I have felt a strong libido, it has been different than the days when I watched porn. There has been more of a desire for connection as well as the desire for just pure physical pleasure. You may find the same kind of shift down the road.
     
  11. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    Thanks Horton! I don't feel so bad right now because I've been busy today.

    Maybe that's a part of the key as well...staying busy with other things that are healthier.
     
  12. TDP

    TDP Member

    Hey Prayer. Looks like you're off to a good start. Negotiating with yourself is good. It means that you're "thinking" before you act. That is a major accomplishment for addicts like us.

    You're right - you don't need porn. You have a real, flesh and blood woman. She needs your attention. Stay focused on her.

    Two days is not a "drop in the bucket". Each day is an accomplishment. Your brain has to heal from however many years of abuse. There may be a few things we can do to help things along - like excercise, cleaning up the diet and maybe abstaining from, or reducing orgasm frequency. But the main component is staying away from porn and all other 2D stimuli. As Gary Wilson says over on YBOP - "the only real cure is to patiently wait for the structures in your brain to catch up with your new direction". In other words - time...

    I'm over 4 months in, and Horton around nine months, and we're both, it seems, at another low point in our recovery. It's emotionally gut wrenching, and I struggle to stay positive many days, but I'm confident that things will turn around.

    No doubt. I'm reminded of this when my wife is having her third orgasm, and I'm trying to keep from having one. :)
     
  13. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    Thanks Guys.

    Question: I see some people talking about abstaining from an O all together for a while...surely that is not meant if you are with your wife though correct?

    Maybe I am misunderstanding the strategy.
     
  14. TDP

    TDP Member

    Unfortunately - yes. The best analogy that was presented to me is that orgasming with a "broken" brain, is like trying to run on a broken leg. It can't really heal properly if you're putting "pressure" on it.

    Of course we're all different. There are guys that have successfully rebooted while orgasming the whole time - but the general theory is that frequent orgasm during reboot makes it more difficult for the brain to "unwire" from the porn pathways and "rewire" to real sex. I'm only recently realizing that this is definitely the case for me.
     
  15. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    I might have a tough time grappling with that concept as I am sure most before me have as well.

    The fact is that my ED is not all the time. I figure if i can have sex with my wife surely that can help bring me to where I want to be.

    I guess I may have to learn the hard way but if i told my wife I cannot have sex with her in order that I can eventually have sex with her....it may not go over well
     
  16. TDP

    TDP Member

    It is tough for me as well, as my wife is totally unaware of my effort to reboot, and I've dealt with premature ejaculation since day one. My ED comes and goes also. I was able to have sex without orgasming this past weekend, but it took a great deal of concentration. It was only two days, but it did seem to help. It may be that you won't have any problems rebooting while orgasming. I hope you can.
     
  17. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    TDP -

    I can see now how everyone has their own unique situation but with lots of similarities to others at the same time.

    I'll have to monitor how I respond but initially my goal is to see if abstaining from MO and PO will help with my PIED.

    If I need to re-evaluate how that goes I most certainly will.

    Thanks again!
     
  18. Prayerforhelp

    Prayerforhelp New Member

    TDP-

    I guess I also don't fully understand the concept of rebooting the brain.

    I assume it means abstaining completely to allow the brain to heal completely...no matter how painful that might be.
     
  19. Horton

    Horton Member

    I really hate to say it, but the reality is that if at the start you told me that I shouldn't O, I couldn't bear the thought.

    i went along for 7 months trying to recover from PIED while having regular O's. Progress was always up and down and frustrating. Then I managed a 34 day stretch with no O, and during that time I definitely saw a lot of forward progress. As TDP said, I'm not back at a lot point in my recovery as I had 3 O's over an 8 day stretch and that seems to have at least temporarily set back the gains I made from the no O stretch. So I'm back to planning for no O for the immediate term.

    But I think 40 says often that you have to listen to your body and your brain. We are all similar in a lot of ways, but there are also differences. There are cases where guys recovered from their PIED while having regular O. I am not one of them it seems, but that doesn't mean you aren't.

    But don't get bogged down in that yet - for now just focus on staying away from P. Your brain is going to continue to try to trick you into going back to P, and you need to be vigilant and fight every day. As you said, keep busy, keep distracted, and don't give in. Master that first, then worry about this other stuff ;-)

    Completely removing P is the ONLY way to cure PIED, regardless of what else you do.
     
  20. TDP

    TDP Member

    To quote again from YBOP, Rebooting is basically trying to restore your brain to its original factory settings by giving your brain a rest from artificial sexual stimulation. For some, this may mean drastically reducing or eliminating orgasm for a while. That's orgasm - not sex. Though sex without orgasm is challenging, it can be done.

    Here's a link: http://yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain


    Ditto.
     

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