Power (Mind, Body, Soul)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Iamguardian, Mar 18, 2012.

  1. Iamguardian

    Iamguardian New Member

    Hey everyone, I am new to this site, but I would love to write about my experiences thus far. I am currently on day 5 (again), and writing this blog post is surprisingly hard. My mind is unusually clustered with ideas and I cannot focus. Hopefully, this blog entry is coherent enough for you guys to learn about me.

    A little about me?
    I am age 20 roughly and have been using porn since I was around 13-14. It has escalated over the years to the point where I've lost a some of my best friends. I am a virgin, but I have had two girlfriends (sigh). Forming new relationships has been quite hard recently and I usually end up in the computer room viewing unhealthy images. So far I have gone 1 session for about 30 days with no porn, 1 session for about 22 days, and a lot of sessions with no porn for a week.

    The Negative Effects I have felt
    - Lack of Muscle growth
    - Scrawny, weak voice
    - Lack of appetite
    - Absolutely no concentration
    - Replaying porn in my head all day long
    - Slow eating speed ( tied to lack of appetite)
    - Nervousness
    - Insane social Anxiety ( I won't even wave hi to people I know)
    - Cannot form well thought out sentence
    - Cannot make jokes at all
    - In extreme times, I have stuttered endlessly
    - Distant from family and friends
    - Lack of sleep
    - Swollen face
    - Large Eye bags, pale skin complexion
    - Dry, itchy skin especially when I workout
    - Immature
    - Easily Angered
    - Depression!
    - Bipolar moods
    - Lack of any sense of time management
    - Super lazy
    - Crappiest memory ever
    - unattractive in all senses of the words to woman

    Benefits I found in my longest abstinence session
    - Increased muscle mass
    - Deep Rich voice
    - Controlled, calm thoughts
    - Heightened ability for good humor
    - Extremely Confident
    - Strong
    - Attracted women, anywhere and everywhere
    - Beautiful , complete sleep
    - Insane amount of energy
    - Disciplined
    - Time efficient
    - ignited interest in old friendships
    - At peace
    - Productive beyond any means possible
    - Viewed as intelligent
    - Acing exams left and right

    My stories
    Basically, since I don't have the attention span at this moment to write an incredibly detailed outlook on my experience. I will write a quick short story with key points in each session of abstinence.

    Session 1 ( 30 days)
    Please note this was not my first abstinence, I had done smaller amounts of time before this. Those were usually 1 to 3 days. I had the fortune to travel to India with family for a vacation to receive this large period of time. With no computer access and something to keep me consistently busy, I had an easier time getting over the obsession. Unfortunately, it was no as clean as I had imagined it to be. I had wet dreams every 10 days during that period. Each time I had a wet dream, I had an intense neuro-chemical hangover.

    I could not figure out why this was happening, since I was not looking at porn, why was I still embodying these nasty effects. The culprit lie in me fantasizing every chance I got, but no actually doing anything with it. I would masturbate while I fantasized, however these ideas slowly built up the sexual tension in my body. Every day, the more I did it, the more tense my body got leading me to a wet dream. Essentially it was all mental porn, same concept, just without the computer. I had to eradicate this aspect of my life.

    Session 2 (22 days)
    After I came back from india, I relapsed into a binge period for about three days. I some how mustered the courage to push me to starting this cycle again. I made the rule to not bring my laptop into my computer room and that I would only use it in the common area. Boy, did that do wonders for me! I ended up going 20 days solidly without even THINKING about erotic fantasies or using my computer for selfish acts. Unfortunately for me, I had the wet dream at day 20, and I had a smaller neuro-chemical hangover, but that was enough to throw me off balance.

    I made it a whole two days before I came across a random image of breasts and then I was crushed. I sat in the main, common room literally falling down on the table un-able to move. I was fighting the urge to prevent me from moving to the computer room. I literally felt my body physically become drained of the energy required to support my deteriorating willpower. This ended with another relapse. An imperative thing to note is that during my first 20 days, I ran into plenty of random images of erotic pictures, but I was able to fend them off easily. But after the wet dream, I crumpled completely when I saw these images.

    The use of a filter
    After this session I decided to use a filter to help stop me from ever having to run into these mental keys when I reach a wet dream. Unfortunately for me this program served as a constant reminder of what I could not look at. For me that added curiosity value and an interest in rebellion against this program (K9, brilliant software by the way). Me, however having some knowledge in computer programming was able to dismantle this software from the inside out. Thus losing its effectiveness instantly, because I used this software to substitute for my dead will.

    After that
    I went several 1 week sessions of abstinence, all ways failing for some stupid reasons my mind would come up with.
    My mind: Oh you thought of a erotic idea, that means you cheated. Since you cheated, you have broken your period of abstinence, might as well look at porn.
    Me: Okay, if you say so.
    Honestly, I'm not crazy, but those cravings manipulate my mind in the oddest of ways.

    Which brings me to the present day
    I am currently on day 5 again, this time I have made two more rules to hopefully prevent me from falling through the holes. I am no longer allowed to use my computer in the dorm room and if I do it will only be on battery power in common room (my computer has the a battery life span of about 15 minutes). Next rule, If I do need to cheat, I will do so without pornography and fantasies. I have not told anyone about my addiction and do not plan on. I want to fight this on my own and am not the person who asks for help.

    My theory on all of this
    When you choose to abstain, you gain this energy, kind of like chi. When it is there you are a source of energy, you are radiant like sun light and it is visible from up to a mile away. However, when it is absent, you have no light in you and require to use of other peoples sunlight. You sap there energy and drain them. They run away from you because you are stealing and wasting their energy. Now I have a personal example that backs this up.

    When I did abstain (22 day session), I had an attractive lady acquaintance of mine run from about a block away to say hi to me. She also asked me if I could take her to dinner sometime. This was all out of the blue and it did not ever happen to me before. Its like she could see the energy in me far away and was attracted to it. This wasn't the only person it happened to, obviously not as extreme cases, but quite similar indeed. Before I even said a word to my friend or a stranger, they would always be smiling, like they were really waiting for me to talk. Ladies were flirting with me left and right and I was going on dates every single weekend with one girl or another. It was a phenomenon I was never use too, but certainly awesome indeed.

    However, when I did not abstain. Before I even spoke a single word, I had acquaintances ignore me and not even wave and say hi. Its like they knew I abstained, they could subconsciously see I had no energy. I had friends easily dismiss me in a conversation, hell not even invite me to parties or events they were throwing themselves. These are some of my closest friends I'm talking about!

    When you choose to abstain from these activities, you shine and everyone knows. Thats the best part of it, everyone knows.

    Which brings back again to current day. So I've had a taste of true power, master of body and mind. I want it, I want to be in control again, I CANNOT stand being weak and powerless. Hopefully, my craving for power is greater than my craving for masturbation and it will take me to greater heights. Here my journal begins. Cheers to the attainment of true power physically, mentally, and spiritually!

    DAY 5
    Listened to the hypnosis on yourbrainonporn.com, its damn good. I felt rejuvenated and ready to go at 2 AM. It is really meant to rewire you. I am not the one to believe in all this hypnosis stuff, but after this experience I think I altered myself on a subconscious level. I'll let you know how much it has completely affected my whole course. I hope to continue to try more new activities until I break this barrier and soar! I will continue to write more in depth analyses as time goes on. Well thats all for my first post!
     
  2. sojourner

    sojourner Guest

    Hey Iamguardian,
    I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you. I was reading through your story and found the section about the hypnosis audio on yourbrainonporn. I didn't know that existed and I plan on implementing it when I get back to my place next week.
    I've been using a subliminal message software. Look up "Free Subliminal Text". It only works on PCs; I'm sure there are similar programs for Macs. Using the software has helped me a lot. Chances are it'll help you speed up your rewiring. I know you're only planning on being on your computer for the length of time your battery permits, but as long as you have it running, you'll see results.
    You have a leg up tackling this kind of thing at such a young age. I commend you. Keep at it; you'll make it to the other side.
     
  3. Iamguardian

    Iamguardian New Member

    Hey Sojourner,
    Thanks for reading my journal entry! Yeah, after conducting the hypnosis exercise I feel barely any urge too look at porn, however the urge of mb still exists quite strongly. It basically rewires your brain to use cue words to reject any mental thoughts of viewing porn. In defense of this exercise, it is focused more around the pornographic use rather than the mbing portion. I believe everyone should give this a shot at least once if they are struggling leaving pornography. I'll also definitely try the subliminal text software on my pc. Thanks for the advice! I also felt a really great feeling when someone responded to my forum post and appreciate the support.

    DAY 6
    Today, I've been feeling an intense feeling to mb ,a lot of anxiety, a bit tense, and shaky. I plan on going to the gym later today to filter out some of that anxious, nervous feeling. I managed to acquire a date for next Friday and I need to bring on my A-game. I want to extremely improve my chances by abstaining.

    On another note:
    I also believe playing video games while indulging in pornography severely amplifies the negative effects. I played video games for a long period yesterday while I am on my way to rebooting and felt quite cloudy, even today. It was exceptionally bad last night, my mind was just shooting a barrage of non-coherent ideas all over the places, and I could not relax or fall asleep. Fortunately, the ideas were nothing related to erotic imagery thanks to the hypnosis I did earlier that day.

    My future goals: I plan on running tough mudder in the fall and cannot have this addiction hindering me in any way possible. I need all the energy I can get to run something of that caliber.

    Here are videos I watch everyday for motivation:
    Hope it helps you like it helps me!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsSC2vx7zFQ
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7I7iasuIdw&feature=pyv

    Stay strong everyone!
     
  4. Iamguardian

    Iamguardian New Member

    Day 9
    Today, I had a wet dream, I'm not sure if I should reset the day count, but I am feeling a milder version currently of a typical relapse. Does anyone know how to reduce the frequency of these? I was wearing relatively loose clothing when I slept, so I'm not exactly sure what to do. They just seem to keep interfering with my overall progress.
     
  5. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Don't worry about wet dreams. There is a thread about them over in one of the other parts of the forum, but I haven't looked at it. Anyway, I found your entries pretty interesting so far. If I might make a couple suggestions, I'd say stop playing video games. Check out this book called "Guyland" by Michael Kimmel, he's got a chapter on young men playing video games. Other than that, I would just paraphrase ssk08 and say you're wasting your sexual energy on these relapses, when you shoudl be using it to bond with girls--think of relapsing as a total waste, and just don't do it. You've got to balance out the urges with counteracting thoughts/motives. Your first post has a pretty extensive list of the benefits of quitting/drawbacks of PMO'ing, so just keep that in mind. I don't want to make it sound easy, because it really isn't. But nor is it that hard.
     

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