Hey everyone, For most of my childhood, I was undiagnosed Asperger's. I had trouble identifying important social cues and connecting with people. As I grew older and puberty began to enter the picture, I struggled with this new feeling and my inability to connect with girls and explore love. Couple with that with the bullying I would receive due to my awkwardness and I grew to learn to "take care of myself" and not let anyone in. Then comes the porn. Because of my Christian upbringing, I tended to never seek out full on nudity, just bikini/Lingerie stuff. That eventually evolved into an fetish for thongs and G strings. It wasnt until 2015 when I eventually began masturbating and the rest is (unfortunately) history. Up until 2021, I masturbated commonly to Reddit forums, Twitter images/videos, and whatever google provided. Relationships came and went but the porn never left. I've grown to know how to "mask" my Asperger's and appear normal but the damage Porn did to my life was FAR beyond what I could have expected. I've become an unmotivated, lazy, emotionally unstable and generally unhappy person. I have insecurities, anxieties and it wasnt until proposing to my fiancée when the problems came to the forefront. Early in our relationship, she caught me looking at images on Twitter but we managed to get through it, I promised I wouldnt do it again and I wish that was the end of it... .. She would send me pictures of herself in thongs to masturbate to and I used that basically as a substitute but we began to experience difficulties in our lives when she suffered an ectopic pregnancy. It was the hardest thing we had to go through and all I could think about was myself.. How stressed I was.. Before I would use porn as I way to escape and retreat from stressful life situations rather than face them and fully experience pain. I cant begin to list the things in my life I used porn as an escape from.. Things that could have made me a stronger person if I just FACED the pain.. ..Well, When she was going through treatment for her ectopic (It was a long, painful 2 months for her by this point) I went back to what I always did and used porn to escape... and she caught me. In order to save our relationship, we moved in together and I speed-read a book about cheating and then basically forced myself to not look at porn without seriously thinking about WHY I did it or what power it had over my life. We struggled, fought and had our ups and downs but eventually things began looking bright. My personality began adjusting because I stopped masturbating completely and I felt proud of who I was turning into.. Until I began slipping again. It started with quick google searches of celebrities, characters with thongs in Anime/media.. and eventually even scrolling through reviews of thongs and seeing images online started to stimulate the part of my brain I thought I conquered. (In reality, I put no effort into my recovery, I simply suppressed the problem, not treat it) I didnt masturbate to it but is that really a victory? I was clearly sliding back into old habits and I am sure it would have been a matter of time until I did again. She discovered my searches and its been a hard 3 or so weeks. Lots of tears, feelings of betrayal and more and more pain as we began to really realize that it wasnt just a porn problem.. I was truly addicted. Porn has ruined my life and it threatens to ruin my relationship with the woman I love. She is worried about dressing in ways I like because she feels like a "cheap imitation" and that I can get what she's offering online and at a higher quality. Obviously I dont feel this way, I love her and wish I was able to describe to her WHY she means more than any online image/video but Im not in a position to say anything. Her self esteem and self confidence is in the gutter, her anxiety shoots up when she reads forums and sees how long guys struggle for and often relapse. She is scared that I will never be able to be truly faithful.. She used to love wearing thongs and dressing sexy for me and now she's terrified of the thought. I hate what Porn has done to my brain, the ways it dulled my emotions but what makes me hurt more is how now MY problem has harmed her. I'm sharing this story with as many details as possible so that I can get this off my chest and begin my road to recovery. I'd appreciate any advice you guys have. If there are discord support groups, weekly chats of some kind.. groups I can be a part of I would love recommendations. I've been reading and listening to Matt Dobschuetz and he suggested reaching out because the opposite of addiction is connection. I can beat this and I'm ready to fight for not just my life but the woman I love. I have some questions -What support groups are there for spouses of those who are beginning their road to recovery? My addiction hurt her and I want to find the resources for her to heal from this as well. -What should I do about my fetish? Her fear is that dressing in ways I enjoy during sex will just enable and trigger a desire for porn. -Should we even have sex right now? Or should we take a break and sort of "starve my brain" of sexual stimulation for a bit.. Reboot? -I am scared of my brain and scared that it is going to get desperate and seek stimulation from any source it can find (I mean, christ.. ads? really?) Are there topics/threads/resources for deprogramming porn addictions driven by a fetish?
