Porn has ruined me...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Marksman, Jul 7, 2020.

  1. Marksman

    Marksman New Member

    Hi. Porn has destroyed me and my family. Yet, for some reason I always go back. I can quit for long periods, but I always fall. I have no one to talk to as I am too ashamed and guilty to admit failure. I finally stopped (partial) lying and confessed to my wife. I think my marriage is over. We have been through this before and before and before. I actually hid it for the last 13 years. She thought I had beat it. Finally, I could not take it any longer and confessed that I had relapsed. She is asking for details, but I don't have the heart to tell her how sick I am. I am 10 days clean because I am scared. I see a counselor (again) tomorrow. I don't have much hope of ever breaking this wretched habit. I have no one to confide in. Thus, I am posting here.
     
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  2. realness

    realness Member

    I'm glad you posted. I'm about to start my journal but I'm commenting on yours right now. I'm in your corner and happy to be among great men on this forum who will listen, encourage you and share wisdom learned. Glad you are going to a counselor. Have you looked up any support groups to attend? Like Celebrate Recovery, in your area?
     
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  3. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey Marksman - you're here - well done. And you're seeing a counselor. You're not the only one who has screwed up, and not the only one who has relapsed multiple times. I can't say what will happen with you wife. I pray there will be healing and a way forward but that's up to her.

    I just wanted to say that porn has not and cannot ruin you - it can damage all sorts of things and cause huge hurt - but you are never intrinsically ruined. If you're here and take each day at a time then there is hope that you will recover. And if you f#ck up (which I have done many times!), you talk to your counselor or accountability partner (or someone here) and move on. Keep going, believe that you (just you, as you are) are worth fighting for and never believe what your addiction tries to tell you. There is always hope...

    Give us an update tomorrow - whatever is happening. Oh, and never be ashamed to come here - I've made that mistake.
     
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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It is really scary and it is sometimes difficult not to loose hope, but you're really not alone in this and many have recovered. Everyone can do it. You too. Welcome!
     
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  5. Marksman

    Marksman New Member

    Counselor appointment went well. I felt that I could be honest for the most part. I am still kind of scared to confess all. I have travelled some dark paths. Anyone else pull it out while driving and shake it at women in the car next to you? I have. Of course my truck is high enough to where she could not see, but I have done some deviant stuff. I have done chatroulette and other video apps.
     
  6. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey Marksman. I'm glad the appointment went well. Don't dwell on the stuff you have done... we've all done some pretty deviant stuff and, thanks to the internet, seen some stuff we wish we hadn't. You can deal with that as you chat to your counselor (and here of course) but just concentrate on getting yourself well. The stuff you've done does not define you.
     
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  7. Marksman

    Marksman New Member

    Well, bad news. Even though many therapists do not recommend disclosure for 90 days into therapy, my wife demanded disclosure yesterday and I admitted about 90% of the extent of my addiction. What was supposed to be a family vacation this upcoming week, has turned into my wife having a beach getaway with the kids while I find a new place to live. Man, I hate porn. I hate this addiction! Yet, I always seem to go back. I am still clean, but that is because my mind is so focused on how crappy my life is right now. Again, I truly fear what life will be like when I am sitting in an apartment somewhere alone. Boredom takes my mind to places that I don't want to go.

    I still have shed very few tears.....
     
  8. realness

    realness Member

    It's unfortunate that things have happened so fast without a chance to have a neutral party to help you and your wife through it. During this separation, can you work on setting up a joint meeting with a pastor, counselor, clergymen, etc?

    Thanks for coming back. While you're alone, keep coming here. Any friend or advisor you can reach out to? There are probably some great posts here that have good suggestions about how to use that time.

    Pulling for you man. I have not disclosed to my wife my struggle. We're overwhelmed with young kids right now so I know it's not the right time. I wonder if there ever will be.
     
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  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I am so sorry to hear this happened. I have never disclosed to my wife either. I think in some cases it can be really beneficial for recovery or maybe even necessary, but I have always felt that it would do more harm than good. Have you ever been to therapy together? It is really important that your wife has a good understanding about what this addiction actually is and what has been driving your behavior. A website that has been very useful to me in the past is recoverynation. It has a free recovery program you can follow and even a partners zone that helps partners of sex, love and porn addicts to get a better understanding on the addiction and also helps them recover from the effects this addiction has (had) on them and the family. For now I can not do anything else than wish you a lot of strength!
     
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  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope in the future there's a chance for you and your wife to fix the relationship.
     
  11. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that Marksman. Everyone is right though - you're doing the right thing by still coming here. I know it's heartbreaking where you are right now but all you have to focus on is your own recovery.

    I know it sounds self-centred but you have to get well for your own sake only - so much addictive behaviour centres around what we think other people's expectations are and whether or not we live up to these. Until we realise that we are completely worthy of being well, and whole and healthy in our own right then we'll never break the hold of addiction. I have not got there but on my better days I feel I'm closer... Keep going; we're all cheering you on.
     
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    So true, Lowdo.
    I've been in recovery a long time, and have experienced some tremendous losses - marriage, money, relationships, job, home, etc. However, on the other side of these losses, I've always been given back something intrinsically bigger than what was taken away from me. Not easy to go through, by any means. There is, however, a method to the madness:)
     
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  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Good to have you on board, Marksman:)
    Keep posting. Progress, not perfection...
     
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I confessed to my wife that I have a porn addiction but I never shared the finer details, nor did she ever ask. I suspect many of us here feel deeply ashamed about the things we've done and the stuff we've looked at. We feel that we're disgusting, perverted and defective. But at some point we need to recognize why our behaviors spiraled out of control and learn to forgive ourselves. These behaviors generally stem from trauma, stress, fears, unpleasant and intolerable emotions. Sex and porn addiction are basically dysfunctional forms of self soothing. We made some bad choices and learned self destructive behaviors but it doesn't mean we are intrinsically bad people.
     
  15. realness

    realness Member

    great stuff @forlorn ! Some traumas that I wasn't even aware of surfaced while I was in counseling, and some I was able to put together by myself. It's helpful to have some awareness and answers, and use that momentum to continue the work of recovery. There's a book by Jay Stringer called "Unwanted", where he details his theory that if you follow your dysfunction back you often find a root/cause that you can address. It's from a very Christian theological perspective
     
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  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Hey man, how are you doing? I can hardly imagine the impact of what happened last week and I know it's easier said than done, but it's time to get back up and deal with it. Enough damage has been done.

    @forlorn: that was a great post indeed!
     
  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Welcome Marksman you have not been here for several days I hope that is because something positive has happened. We are here to read your negative stuff and reply with our support. @Lowdo is right when he says "you have to get well for your own sake only." You can change many things about yourself, we can cheer you on whilst you do so, but if you have done it to please someone else it is a complete waste of time. Do please keep coming back, it is not easy to do so. I make excuses not come here even when it is easier and when I stumble I tell myself it is better to stay away rather than face the shame. Coming here is my source of encouragement to clean up and move on.

    Peace and every good
     
  18. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hope all is ok @Marksman - remember, never be ashamed to come back here... no-one's got it sorted completely and, while we're happy to offer advice, no-one is judging. Take care.

    @GreyHeron - hope you're keeping well
     

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