Porn-Free February 2019!

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by YourBrainRebalanced, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. YourBrainRebalanced

    YourBrainRebalanced Administrator Staff Member

    Who is going porn-free for all of February 2019? Feel free to use this thread to post your milestone updates and commitments.

    Here is the January thread. How did things go for you in January?
     
  2. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Readdy to dive right in.

    Im going porn free and social media free for whole month.
     
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  3. Matyas Rakosi

    Matyas Rakosi New Member

    I can do it!
     
  4. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    in, aiming to improve last month's average
     
  5. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    And I'm out, 25min of edging on non-nude stuff, had this old feeling of impending doom due to stress that I couldn't shake off.
     
  6. Climber

    Climber Member

    Even the rest of February would be great, a wonderful accomplishment
     
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  7. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I'm at day 35 and expecting to make it through the month...
     
  8. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    Lovely positivity mate

    Last 3 days have been good
     
  9. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I wasn't accounting for these triggers. Today is about the most triggering situation possible. There's a blizzard raging outside. I was sent home from work early. I'm still well-rested from the weekend. The internet is up. I'm alone in a warm apartment. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. Most people are probably staying in anyway. It's not safe to be driving and cold outside no matter how much you buddle up. This is the kind of day where probably even people who are not addicted are thinking that porn is the most appropriate thing to do.

    With all this, all of a sudden driving home I felt like there was a 70-80% chance of relapse. I could feel things tipping that way. I'm quite familiar with every aspect of the process right from the start. Normally at this point, it would be a progressive slide until I succumbed to temptation. Most likely today. Most likely immediately after walking in the door. If not then quite likely within a day or two. There was a significant diminishment in the cravings though without that much of a struggle. I can't say that's ever happened before after getting to this point. When things had started tilting towards relapse and I could feel the adrenaline rushing through me.

    I was in the grocery store and it was busy. I was in a rush to get out of there. It was crowded. Then I thought "I would be uncomfortable right now if I had recently relapsed". There was a cute girl behind me in the line. I had to admit to myself that I was getting waves of nervousness due to this fact. I forced myself to look at her a few times and was able to be still and open to my surroundings for a few moments. Then I thought "fuck, I've got a long way to go and I don't know if I'll make it on time, but this would definitely be worse if I had recently relapsed."

    Now I'm telling myself "Yeah, yeah, you're at day 35 and you feel like you've 'earned' a peek. You think 'I'm really on track for recovery, just a peek is no big deal'". Then I tell myself "Never underestimate the porn. If you succumb it will lead no a marathon binge and you won't get the statisfaction you were expecting. You will think immediately afterwards 'that was completely pointless. Now I'm exhausted and I don't feel any better'. The next day you will feel like shit. You'll probably be on the floor in the fetal position crying."

    Now I would say that I'm only at 10% risk, so my powers of resistance have grown. I could eliminate the risk of relapse entirely with non-porn masturbation. That seems so unappealing though after thinking about possibilities like watching porn or having sex. I don't feel like I'm at the point where it would be essential to avoid catastrophe yet, but I am putting myself at risk with that. I would never binge right after non-porn masturbation because the addict knows that he won't get the hit he has been looking for if I've ejaculated and my libido is reduced. In full addiction I used to save up some reserves to make the binge "better". For quite a while there, I would abstain all week and then go on the most extreme benders imaginable on the weekend.

    Writing this here has probably reduced the odds of immediate relapse substantially. I would really feel like I failed if I just oppened up another tab and set to relapsing. The more likely scenario would be that I would make it through to tomorrow, pat myself on the back for my willpower, and then call another snowday even if the roads were truely passable and start PMOing at 6am. Oh crap, now am I making that the likely outcome since I "gave myself permission"?...I could say that I stayed in control. Sometimes a "planned relapse" is the best of any realistic alternative, but that wouldn't really be one. That would be just making excuses and justifying things...
     
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  10. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    With the situation at the grocery store: At the end I thought to myself "dude, how old are you? and you can't even stand next to a moderately attractive woman without getting all wierd. and you're nowhere near the point of even talking to her. Nobody else here is even analyzing themselves like you are. There just doing their thing. No PMO is not going to help you with that. You're fucked." That felt really triggering. The idea that I have too far to go and much hardship to come which might not lead to any payoff. Then I got pulled in the other direction with this thought. "Yeah, I have a huge uphill battle ahead of me. That's why I can't afford to start from the beginning again" I need to find some kind of wormhole. Everything is right there in front of me, but I can't conceive of how I would access it. It's like I'm stuck in another dimension.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
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  11. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    One of the best insights I read was "The addict perceives a crisis, but really nothing is happening. Things are very calm." That's one of the worst things with the addiction. It can take a relaxing evening in and turn it into some epic struggle. No wonder you have trouble functioning the next day. Other people are not wasting all this energy on imaginary struggles.
     
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  12. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I had a bit of trouble waking up, so I brought my laptop to bed to check the road conditions. There was a snowfall warning and my employer already said not to risk driving in unsafe conditions. I sleep naked, so I was already naked, in bed with my own laptop (no filters). Most people would say "get out of that situation." I knew I wasn't going to relapse though. I watched a bit of YouTube and then got up, walked around the neighbourhood, did a bunch of snow shovelling, stocked up on fruits and vegetables. Just now, I was feeling very different from yesterday and from how I usually feel. I was walking differently, almost a swagger, feeling much more at ease, and getting much better responses from people. You are kind of forced to put yourself out there just in your daily life. It's kind of amazing how much I was able to make myself invisible. Actually, day 38 today. Getting through these kinds of tough times make the progress very non-linear though. Yesterday and today were more of an accomplishment than the other 36 days.

    Sorry, this is getting into a very long-winded monologue, better suited for the journal session. It does relate to the prospects of making it through February though. Valentine's Day is coming up too. If nothing romantic/erotic happens to me before then I anticipate February 15th as being a huge challenge. Relapse wouldn't happen on Valentine's Day itself, that would be too obviously pathetic. Most wintery month of the year. If you can do well December to February, the rest of the year should be a breeze.

    Other good signs: I was getting repeated full erections last night envisionining highly realistic scenarios that went from the first words spoken to eventual intercourse and I didn't masturbate!
     
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  13. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    @Imfree, I'm proud of you! You handled the situation like a full grown man and not like a little kid in a candyshop. Personally, I don't mind your monologue, quite the contrary, I find it very inspiring. About the valentine's day, it's just another day that people somehow make a big deal of. You are not lonelier than you are on other days. Don't let this shitty day get the best of you. Give yourself a treat like a tasty healthy meal, be happy that you are healthy and alive, and, most importantly, that you are on the road to recovery. That's something to be really proud of. That's some gangster shit.

    Personally, it's super smooth sailing for me at the moment. I kind of had an epiphany earlier in january regarding my reboot. At the moment, I'm very sure that I won't relapse anymore. Ever. It feels very good. On the flipside, I'm aware how quickly the tides can turn and therefore I won't get complacent. I had some urges here and there, and I would have relapsed but my mindset at the moment is so strong, that I just notice an urge but that's about it. There are no internal battles or discussions. I don't have to say "no" to myself. It's weird but more importantly, it's working very well right now and that's paramount.

    I wish you all the best, stay focused, stay in the game, and good things are bound to happen.
     
  14. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Pete McVries , thanks for the support, it means a lot to me.

    What was the nature of your epiphany, anything particular that happened in your life, or you just "knew"? I have noticed that the struggle, sleepless nights, etc. are all related to the possibility that you might relapse. When you know you're not going to relapse, the flashbacks fizzle out quickly and you can get on with whatever it was you were doing.
     
  15. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    It was really weird. I visited Amsterdam for two days with a friend. At the end of the trip, we got ourselves a gram of weed and smoked two really really light joints. Nothing spectacular happened, we just had a good time. Mind you, both of us normally don't smoke weed. So, on the next day, I took the train back home, being in possession of the rest of the weed. I didn't get controlled by officials, so I made it back home with the weed. When I was at home, I started smoking the rest of the weed over the course of a few days. The first thing that happened, I got super horny and eventually relapsed. What happened then, I skimmed through journals mostly in the 40+ section (I'm 31yo myself) and carefully read though them. I normally don't do that because, I can't relate too much to people in the 40+ section. The 25-29 and the 30-39 section is where I feel at home. BUT, for the first time in my life, I was able to really understand and grasp what would eventually happen to me when I wasn't stopping PMO finally. Basically, it's the fact that if I don't beat this PMO addiction and heal my PIED, that I will never be able to be happy in my life and that I won't achieve anything if I don't beat my addiction. Beating this addiction is the foundation of everything for me. If I'm not able to do it, I won't be able to do anything else of significance. You know, I knew what would happen beforehand, but for the first time ever, I was able to really connect with my feelings too. It's really hard to describe but I hope you get what I'm trying to convey. Then, I made the decision, that I was going to install all sorts of porn blockers so that relapsing would be literally impossible. But to be frank, I was too lazy in that moment and went to bed. The following days, I didn't instally any blockers either. And then, it slowly dawned on me, that I won't need them anymore because my resolve and my basic attitude towards this problem had become so strong and so incorruptible that there was basically no need for them anymore. Fast forward a few weeks and here I am. During the past few weeks, I didn't even come close to a relapse. And I'm the guy, who was relapsing hopelessly for the past 2 years. I can't really perfectly describe what happened during that weed high, but it set something very powerful in motion, something unstoppable. And I'm so grateful that it happened because nothing else really worked for me in the past 2 years. It's so stupid in a sense that smoking weed helped me that much. But it's the truth. It really is.

    I haven't smoked any more weed since then and I don't plan to.
     
  16. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    One of my favorite things about cutting porn out, is how I get turned on more by real life girls, even average middle aged women become so much more appealing.

    Had a strong craving today, but what I mentioned above felt so good the last couple weeks I don't wanna trade it for the pixels...
     
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  17. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Pete McVries, your story makes perfect sense. I smoked weed before a binge one time and had paronoia that bordered on the level of a psychotic break. On some level I knew that nobody was going to catch me, but I had trouble shaking this sense that everybody for miles around knew all the details. A bit of a different scenario, but a substantial motivator. I did see a porn clip stoned one time which I later confirmed sober did have the repeated lyrics "this is something you might regret" in the background music.

    I'm super motivated by a breakup. I suppose that there are some unrelated reasons why it could have ended, but I can't shake the feeling that it was mostly due to porn. I had no desire to watch porn at the start, but approaching our one-year aniversary I used it as an escape from my fears of commitment. Either way, if it made me throw away a nearly ideal situation or if I could have been in an even better situation which I wouldn't have equivocated on, I can see how it caused a huge amount of suffering for all parties involved. It was really hard to deny. I said to myself "I don't want all this responsibility. I want hide out inside and watch porn all day." I was in a rush to fire up the computer as I let the last chance to salvage the relationship slip away (litterally exactly coinciding). I got into the first clip and said to myself "what the fuck am I doing? what is the point of all this". The clip I was watching was shit and earlier clips that I had been watching featured women who looked like my girlfriend "what a waste I could be having the real thing". When you start with a session, you think that you need to be seeing only the hottest of the hot and that's why you're doing it, but then you start passing videos of beautiful godesses for things start to move towards the opposite.

    Since that moment of ultimate self-sabotage, I have really cleaned up my act, jettisoning bad habits which had bogged me down most of my life. I'm literally spending every moment of my life on self-improvment or doing things that need to be done. Even if I'm trying to fall asleep or not doing anything physically, I'll be meditating. I'm getting serious about learning to dance.
     
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  18. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    There's a psychological term "self-handicapping". That's exactly what it is. You save yourself from failure by always being able to say "I could have done better if there was nothing holding me back". It's like people who go through their entire lives drunk or high, so any time they do something innapropriate or foolhardy, they can say "I was fucked up" as if that is an excuse.

    It also relates to shame. You say to yourself "I'm a disgraceful person, of course I'm going to be disgraceful things, it's the natural consequence". It goes both ways: you act out because you're ashamed and your ashamed because you act out. After a binge, I find these unbidden deviant thoughts coming into my head. It's like my brain is misfriring. Wierd shit that I haven't even ever wanted to watch, but I know is out there. I don't know exactly what motivates that. Some kind of OCD thing. A subconscious desire to be thought of as a monster.

    I completely understand why I did most of those things though, so I can't really beat myself up about it. It's hard to have faith in yourself and the world. It's a huge leap of faith. I went through the worst depression of my life having to face the possibility that I might not get significant results. Porn was a security blanket, not just when it was enjoyable, but also when it was used as escape by any means necessary. Rock bottom is comfortable place to be in some ways.
     
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  19. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    Mad props, self improvement is the bees knees.
    I've said it last month and I'll say it again, we're the few who are actually trying to crawl out of our addictions, the majority of the population is hopelessly addicted to something (food, facebook, porn, drugs, etc..)

    Exactly, and tbh I personally can't remember the last time I've watched porn for fun rather than a security blanket.
    Sometimes we need a security blanket, we're human, but there are plenty of ones that don't involve jerking to pixels ..
     
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  20. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

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