Porn addiction kicked. Now trying to get my libido back

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Forgotten, Apr 8, 2013.

  1. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Hi guys. As I wrote in the title, I'm currently trying to heal from a particularly serious case of porn induced ED.

    At first I didn't want to share my story with anybody, but than I realized that I need to talk about this to someone, but it's not something I can talk about with my friends, or my parents, or even my girlfriend. So I start this journal, where I can write anonymously. Telling you my story means going back with my memory to very painful parts of my life, but it might be self-therapeutic to write about myself. Also, sharing my story could help somebody. This is not my native language, so forgive me if my english is not perfect.
    Anyway, let's start. It's going to be a very long post...

    I began to masturbate around the age of 11, without even completely understanding what I was doing. Started to be interested in girls (and masturbate while fantasizing about them) at the age of 13. So, everything normal. What was not normal was my complete inability, during ALL my teens, to find any girlfriend. Girls seemed to ignore me, and that made me suffer so much. I wasn't particularly good looking, nor particularly extrovert (I was a bit shy and insecure actually, also because I usually got rejected the few times I had the courage to court a girl), and that's a fatal combination. As a result, I had very little success with females. I was always the one that could not pick up any girl at the disco, the one that never had a girlfriend and, obviously, the one that always had zero chance to have sex. It was a difficult situation because I was always incredibly horny, and the only thing I could do was to masturbate. I did not have access to porn because I didn't know about the existence of free porn websites (thank God!), so I used sensation only, or very softcore pornography, like images of girls in bikini on ads. I was very sad because of this; I used to binge drink and smoke hashish at night just to forget about my situation for a few hours (this solution didn't work very well anyway, because when I was high I was even more horny). But, anyway, my sexuality was still not damaged. This started to change at the age of 17, when a friend showed me a free porn website with thousands of porn videos. I thought “Wow! I can't have sex, but at least I can watch it!”. So I started to visit this porn website. At the beginning, only rarely, because I was not frequently alone at home, and I was afraid to be caught by my parents or brothers.

    But then I finished high school and started university and, since I didn't have too much hours of classes, I was frequently at home alone while my parents were at work and my brothers at school. And since girls were still ignoring me, I started to visit porn websites more frequently, about 2 o 3 times a week. Slowly, I also started to watch more hardcore videos, but still no fetishes involved. Then, at the age of 19, I started to get into piss porn. I think I always had some kind of curiosity for this erotic practice, but porn reinforced it a lot and turned it into fetish. I also sporadically watched group sex videos and stuff like that. I also started to notice that my morning erections were becoming rarer, but did not worry too much about that. Anyway, the situation was still not very bad: I was still more interested in real girls than in porn. I watched porn simply because I was not able to find a real girl, and I had to satisfy myself in some way.

    Things started to get really bad at the age of 20. I didn't know why, but I started to become less and less sociable, and to find it hard to maintain eye contact. I've always been somehow an introvert person, but I had never been afraid of people, so I was a bit surprised by this. I also started to have concentration problems while studying and to fail exams at university, and I could not understand the reason, since I've always been a good student. My porn use was escalating: it was an everyday thing, but I never suspected that that cold be the source of my problems.

    Then, a very weird thing happened to me. For years I used to watch porn and than go to the bathroom and finish to masturbate there. Well, one day, as usual, I tried to do this but, with my great surprise, I COULD NOT HAVE EVEN A MINIMUM ERECTION, no matter how hard I tried. Even fantasizing about the porn I watched just a minute before could not give me an erection. Incredibly, I didn't see that as an issue. “Well, this is weird” i thought, “but hey, who cares? This means I will just climax while watching porn on my notebook!”. And this is what I did. Can't believe how blind I was. My porn use escalated even more. Earlier genres of porn were no longer exciting, so I started to get into more extreme things. I was looking at porn all the time and loosing interest in everything else, including real girls. I was no longer much attracted by them. I noticed this, but I didn't think that porn was the cause. I thought that I had some psycholgical problem. Maybe I just started to hate girls, because they made me suffer so much for so many years. I also noticed that I almost no longer had morning woods at all, but didn't worry about that.

    So I was in my early twenties, and I was wasting my life in front of a computer. My fetishes escalated. As I told before, for long time I used to watch (among other things) piss porn. But some piss porn are BDSM related; this is how I started a new fetish. During the worst part of my addiction, I was able to get excited only by female dominance videos, which I NEVER found to be exciting before. I've always found those things to be ridicolous, if not disgusting, so why I was now attracted by those things?? I did understand that something very wrong was going on with me, but I just didn't have the energies to react, I didn't have the motivation, I didn't have the right information: I did not know that porn was the cause of my problems, I thought it was just a symptom.

    Then, the unexpected happened: I found a girl interested in me. I didn't like her very much, but I was tired to wait, so I decided to start a relationship with her anyway (but I didn't stop to watch porn). Things escalated quickly, and after a few weeks we were for sex. It was a shock for me to see that I wasn't able to do that. Nothig went in the right way: my erection was unstable, putting on a condom made my boner disappear in 3 seconds, and in general the whole thing just didn't feel in the right way. It was my first time, so I thought that it was anxiety, but then we tried other times to have sex and I was never able to penetrate here. I realised that my desire to have sex was quite low, but I thought it was because the girl was not enough attractive. My solution for that was to watch even more porn in order to get excited. Obviuosly, that made the situation worse. I went to see an urologist and I told him that I no longer had morning erections (I didn't tell him about my inability to have sex and my low libido because I found it too embarrassing). He checked me, but could not find anything wrong with me. I tried again to have sex, but I was still not able to do it.

    Then, I casually found an article that talked about how internet porn was affecting young guy's ability to have sex. At forst i laughed, but then I decided to find out more and I discovered Yourbrainonporn. I read a few pages of it but didn't take it too seriously. Anyway, just to try, I decided to quit porn. It was not too difficult, mostly because I had arrived to a point where I had already watched all genres of porn, including the sickest ones, and nothing was able to turn me on as much anymore. But I did not quit masturbation and, most importatntly, did not quit porn fantasies. And my fantasies were even more extreme and disgusting then the porn I used to watched. The only result I got in that way was that I got back my ability to masturbate with fantasy, wthout porn, but no other improvements.

    So I went back on yourbrainonporn, I read it much more carefully, I watched the video presentation, and I thought “OH-MY-GOD! I am an idiot!” EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. Not only my ED and my low libido, but also my concentration problems, my growing social anxiety, my mood swings and so on.

    So I decided to quit porn and porn fantasy, and to drastically reduce masturbation. It was incredibly hard. Everytime I relapsed after about a week. I never managed to last more than 12 days before going back to masturbation and porn. But just reducing my PMO habit was enough to give me withdrowal symptoms: anxiety, depression, mood swings, extreme cravings for porn. The weirdest withdrawal symptom involved my penis: it started to shrink like when it's very cold outside, and if I tried to masturbate I could only get a partial erection, before it started to shrink and to assume a strange consistence. It also ached sometimes. I got so scared that I went to see another urologist, and I told him that my penis felt weird, and that it ached a bit. He checked me carefully, he ran an echography of my penis, but he could find nothing wrong. After a couple of weeks, this problem disappeared. So I guess it was just a withdrawal symptom.

    For 3 or 4 months I tried without success. Then, one day I masturbated three times in a day to softcore pornography. I woke up the day after with no sex drive at all. The same the day after. After a week, I still had zero desire to watch porn and/or to masturbate: I was into a flatline. It was weird and scary, but it was also my occasion to start a seriuos reboot, and that's what I did. For about 40 days I had zero libido, but my morning erections started to improve a bit, and my fetishes began to loose their power on me. Than I had a couple of bad day with lots of anxiety, but after that, for 4 or 5 days, my libido seemed to be back a bit. It was still low, but it was something, and it didn't involve any fetish. It only lasted less than a week. Then, I entered into a new flatline. Anyway, I remained positive, because my fetishes were slowly disappearing and my morning erections were improving. Also, my concentration improved a lot, and I got back my ability to study. But around day 70 anxiety started to hit me hard again, and morning woods disappeared. At day 75 I reached the peak of my withdrawal symptoms: I woke up in the morning and most of my body ached. The pain was so intense that I had to take a painkiller. I also had lack of appetite. The day after I woke up and I was feeling fine, but in the afternoon I started to have nausea and stomach ache. On day 77 I woke up with a mild head ache, but I was starting to feel better.

    Now I am at day 81 of no porn, no masturbation and no orgasm, and my situation is:
    - no sex drive whatsoever. If I see a beautiful girl I can understad that she is objectively beaufitul, but I have no physical reactions: I don't feel the desire to have sex with her.
    - I can easily achieve a 100% hard erection if I masturbate sensation only or if I fantasize about my girlfriend, but when I actually am with my girlfriend, my erection is unstable. I don't think I would be able to have sex with her.
    - no morning woods at all
    -withdrawal symptoms still hit me sometimes
    -all my fetishes have loose their power, but I'm not sure they have already disappeared completely
    -I no longer have cravings for porn and I no longer think about porn the whole day
    -my concentration and my ability to study have improved a lot. I no longer waste all my time searching random stuff on the internet.
    -I reduced the amount of time spent in front of my computer and started to be a bit more outgoing
    -I can maintain eye contact with people

    I have a theory for my endless flatline: I am deconstructing all the fake and sick sexuality that I had developed during years of complete substitution of real sex with porn, but I still have to rewire my brain to the real stuff. So I am in a “no one's land” where nothing can turn me on.

    My plan now is to continue my no porn-no masturbation-no orgasm policy until day 150 or 200, and see what happens. I surely feel much better than when I used to watch porn all day, but I still have a long way to go. Since my case is particularly severe, I expect it will take a very long time to reboot. Judging from my loss of morning erections and interest in real girls, I think I probably developed ED a couple of years ago, but my sexuality has been heavily demaged at least for the last four years. I just hope I will be fine. For years I used porn in order to escape from reality. It's like if I have been in a zombie mode, sleep-walking state, for a lot of time, and now I am waking up. It's not easy, but I'm still in my early twenties, and I hope that I can still put my life back on track. If I succeed, I will have to thank Gary Wilson and his website: without it, I would never understood what was wrong with me.

    So this is my (sad) story. Life has always been hard for me, but I didn't think that it could be this hard. Any advice or support is welcome.

    Thanks for reading and good luck with your rebooting.
     
  2. dearmisery

    dearmisery New Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Wow, it sounds weird. Did you check to doctor? Did you have wet dream for these 81 days of noPMO?
     
  3. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Your post gave me a little bit of insight; thanks for that. I wish you the best in your recovery. I don't know any advice to offer you, because I'm new to this.
     
  4. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Hi. Thanks for the reply. No, I didn't see a doctor because I was pretty sure that those were withdrawal symptoms. In fact, I had flu-like symptoms, but I measured my body temperature and I had no fever. After 3 days I started to feel much better. I think that my severe withdrawal symptoms are justified by how severe my porn addiction was.

    "Did you have wet dream for these 81 days of noPMO?"

    Well, in fact, I never had wet dreams in my whole life before starting these rebooting process. I had the very first wet dream of my life during the night between day 2 and 3: I was dreaming about having sex with my girlfriend, and I had an orgasm. Then I woke up and I thought "it was just a dream, I can't believe I actually ejaculated in my underpants!". I ran to the bathroom and...there was a mess in my pants ??? ;D
    Then I had another wet dream around day 20. Later, I had a few erotic dreams (that, unfortunately, involved some of my fetish), but without ejaculating. I just woke up with an erection an nothing more. In the last month, i did not have any wet dream or erotic dream.
     
  5. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    You share the exact same situation as me. I too used to go to the bathroom to finish and find myself struggling to keep the erection as i walked over to it, I also used every porn category there was and porn was no longer exciting, It was a struggle to get an 80% erection.

    After 4 months I also still have no sex drive but can get 100% hard very easily on my own without fantasy or porn. I rarely get morning wood as well, which is better then the last 5 years of nothing at all. Quitting porn was really easy actually, It did nothing for me anyway it was like i used it so much i just burnt through the addictive elements of it.

    Orgasms have been holding me back, Your lucky though you have a girlfriend because she will help your sex drive return when its ready.

    The reason you are still struggling with your girlfriend is purely arousal/sex drive related. There is a difference between an arousal erection and a forced stimulation erection from your hand. You just need more time and abstinence away from porn. For me i can get hard now for sex with a blowjob or hand job but because my sex drive and arousal is so low i lose the erection if i stop sex for more then 10-15 seconds.

    Your life will be better without porn man, Just keep going... A few guys have taken a long time to heal 9+ months so don't be discouraged just yet. The problem is in our brains not our dicks. I would tell your girlfriend as well man, you will be surprised how receptive and understanding people are when you genuinely open up to them i have told about a dozen people, girls and guys, i don't even care really.
     
  6. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Thank you gameover. The strangest thing is that I can achieve better erections also if I fantasize about my girlfrined without even touching my penis, than when I actually am with my girlfriend (anyway, if I stop fantasizing I almost immediately loose my erection, while during my teens if I got an erection it lasted for many minutes without any stimulation). It's like if my brain has been rewired to solo sex insted of real sex with a person, and so I can get a bit of arousal (not much, anyway) when I am alone, but not when I am with a real person. Also, the idea of masturbating can turn me on a bit, but the prospect of having sex is not appealing at all. I have to change this.
    I think that fantasizing about normal sex may have helped me to weaken my fetish and to get back to normal sexual tastes, but now it might be slowing me down. I guess I should avoid sexual fantasies too and just enjoy the company of my girlfriend. But eliminating erotic fantasies is not easy, especially when I am in my bed half-asleep and I don't have the complete control over my mind.
     
  7. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Yep i feel similar. The thought of sex really turns me on and i can get good erections every morning or night thinking about very vanilla sex with girls i know but when i am in the situation with a girl i feel no desire at all. One thing though, I have never been with a girl i really liked or thought was attractive to me. I cant really judge my arousal with girls yet unless i am with one that i find attractive and get along well with.

    Its the equivalent of laying next to a tree, it just isn't seen as sexual reward yet in your brain.

    Good you got a girl though man cause it will really help.
     
  8. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    I just read the last article appeard on YBOP. Here is the link to it:

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/first-sex-just-science-please

    Well, another confirmation for my theory of why my flatline is so long. My brain was wired to masturbating to porn, because until my early twenties, that was my only access to sex. Now that I have been very consistent in completely eliminating it for 83 days, I have broke the link in my brain that associates sex with porn, but real girls and real sex are not yet exciting: I still have to rewire my brain to them! The fact that I can get more aroused while fantasizing about my girlfriend than when I actually am with her, and that I find the idea of masturbating more exciting than the prospect of having sex, may be a sign that my brain is still searching for solo sex, even without porn. As I wrote before, at the beginning fantasizing about normal sex may have helped me to get rid of my fetishes, but now I have to abandon sexual fantasies too. I have to starve my brain in order to force it to look for real girls and real sex. It will not be easy and I don't know how much time it will take, but I think it will work.
     
  9. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Day 87. No much news: still zero libido. The only moment during which I can have a bit of arousal (and a decent erection) is for a few minutes after waking up in the morning. For the rest of the day, absolutely nothing. During this last week I did not experience any particular withdrawal symptom, so I guess that that phase has passed. I just feel a bit depressed right now. I'm so tired of this situation, but I know that I have to be patient: I'm trying to repair years and years of big mistakes; it will take time...
     
  10. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    90 DAYS OF NO PMO REPORT

    So today I have reached the famous 90 days of no porn, no masturbation and no orgasms that many people here set as their first goal. It has not been difficult, because I have been in a flatline for all this period of time. Apart from a very few days during which I have been tempted to masturbate or to watch porn, I did not have any sexual desire.
    So the difficult part was not the abstinence, but the withdrawal symptoms (anxiety, depression, insomnia, headaches, pain in several parts of my body, fatigue) that hit me during the first 6 weeks and, in a terribly severe way, during week 10.
    I edged a few times but only for a few minutes, and using sensation only; not because I was horny, but because it was so depressing and scary to stay for entire days without ever having an erection, that sometimes I just wanted to see my penis hard, just to be sure that it still worked.
    I also fantasized sometimes; just normal fantasies involving normal sex with my girlfriend. I think they helped me to abandon my fetish and to go back to normal sexual tastes. Anyway, I stopped to do this at day 80 because I want to avoid all kind of solo sex and force my brain to concentrate only on real sex with a partner.

    So, I'm going to summarize my situation after 90 days of rebooting process:

    - FLATLINE: it hit me since day 1 and almost never abandoned me. From day 42 to day 47 it was less severe (I don't know why, I guess something happened on a chemical level in my brain), but then it came back even stronger than before. So after 90 days of abstinence I have absolutly zero libido: no desire to have sex, no desire to masturbate. In this moment, I feel like if I could go on with sexual abstinence forever.

    - WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS: they hit me hard, but during the last 10 days I did not experience any of them, so I hope that they are a thing of the past now

    - ED: it's still there. I'm still not cured. But I made some progress: now I can get almost rock hard if I masturbate sensation only or if I fantasize about normal sex. But I have no true libido (I'm flat), so I loose my boner within seconds if I stop to stimulate with my hand or to fantasize. I don't think I would be able to have sex right now.

    - MORNING WOODS: they seemed to improve from week 3 to week 8, but then they disappeared almost completely. So depressing.

    - SEXUAL TASTES: 90 days ago my head was filled with crazy and disgusting fetishes. They were the only things that could give me an erection. Now, they almost disappeard (but still not completely). The thing that worries me most if that I am still not attracted by real girls. If I see a hot girl, I feel nothing.

    - PORN: I have eliminated it from my life. The last time I watched hardcore porn was november 17 of last year. But I did not stop softcore porn and, most importantly, I could not stop thinking about crazy fetish porn all day. This is not true anymore. I removed it from my head. I'm so glad that I no longer have to fight with my mind to keep those disgusting things away from my head.

    - CONCENTRATION: it improved dramatically. 90 days ago I had very serious concentration problems. I wasn't able to stay focused on anything. Studying was very difficult. Now I can study for hours without getting distracted.

    - SPARE TIME: I no longer waste all of it in front of my computer. I still play videogames and surf the internet a couple of hours a day, but for the rest of the time I go out with my friends or my girlfriend, I exercise (running, weight training) and I read books.

    Overall, my life is certainly better now, but I still have a very long way to go if I want to cure my ED.
     
  11. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    You no longer have full PIED. You have sex drive/arousal problems.

    If you can get hard on your own fairly easily i am pretty sure you would get hard from oral and be able to have sex if you didn't stop the stimulation. Its basically were i am at the moment as well. Can get rock hard on my own in under a minute, can get erections from vanilla thoughts about foreplay/sex with girls etc

    Do you feel mentally like you want sex and girls etc, but your body doesn't feel the energy/drive or do you feel mentally like you dont really want sex and girls as well?
     
  12. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Well, I have to be a bit more precise. When I say that I can get hard if I fantisize about normal sex, I mean that I can get hard if I fantasize about a naked girl, if I fantasize about me touching her, or about her touching me. But I still do not feel vaginal sex as a very exciting option. For years I got so used to just watch and masturbate with my hand, that now the idea of actually penetrating a girl no longer feel natural. It's like if porn gave me some kind of preference for voyeurism. I can remember that before starting my rebooting, while I was trying to have sex with my girlfriend, sometimes I was able to get hard initially, but then attempting penetratrion made my boner disappear immediately. Vaginal sex was an erection killer. It was like if my body refused to do it, it was insane. Maybe now it's a bit better, but I still do not feel the option of vaginal sex exciting as it should be. This is why I say that I still have ED: I have a very low libido in general, and specifically, I have zero desire for vaginal sex (that is what girls want, obviously).
     
  13. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED - 90 DAYS REPORT!

    Interesting. I have always been turned on by vaginal sex even in my heaviest PMO days. Just a real vagina didn't excite me like in the porn videos. It was to boring and plain i guess.
     
  14. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED - 90 DAYS REPORT!

    I, instead, had arrived to a point where I could only have an erection while watching disgusting stuff that were not even much related to sex (and that I never found to be exciting before). This is why I say that my case is very serious: I completely turned upside down my sexual identity, and now I do not know how much it will take to take it back to normal.
     
  15. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED - 90 DAYS REPORT!

    Woke up today with a decent morning wood. It was about 95% hard, and as long as I stayed in my bed, it remained there, ranging from 80% to 90%. Then I got up from the bed and it started to go away, but not within 2 seconds like it used to do almost everytime during the last year. After 40 days of nothing, I guess it's a good sign.
     
  16. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Thats great man. Bet you were not expecting that.
     
  17. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Exactly. It was a nice surprise. Maybe my flatline is starting to become less severe. I just have to wait and see what happens.
     
  18. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Last night I got one as well woke up 4am 95-100 percent hard for 5 minutes
     
  19. AHeinrich

    AHeinrich Fight. Win. Overcome.

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    Good luck to you buddy!

    Personally, whilst I began masturbation really late (my first being at age 16), I only ever masturbated to porn. I never watched porn, then "finished in the bathroom". I always orgasmed *whilst* watching porn - it seems I was so addicted that I could never manage masturbating without porn; I would almost find it boring!

    Anyway, I've decided to quite both now and I salute you in your endeavour also!

    Good luck to everyone!
     
  20. Forgotten

    Forgotten Member

    Re: Trying to recover from a VERY SERIOUS case of PIED

    @gameover

    Good news. It's always nice to see that our schlong is still alive ;D

    @AHeinrich

    You never masturbated until the age of 16? That's weird. I'm definetely going to read you story on your journal. But when you found out about porn induced erectile dysfunction, did you try to masturbate without porn? And if you did, how was you erection?
    Anyway, thanks for your support! :)
     

Share This Page