PMO reached low point (Journal)

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by inoddplaces, Sep 8, 2019.

  1. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    Back in 2016 I finally admited to myself I had a porn adiction and decided to take action.
    • Stop watching all porn
    • Irrecoverably delete my porn collection
    • Throw all sex toys away
    • Delete my profile on any porn websites
    • Not search the internet for anything sexual
    • Abstain from masturbating alone unless it’s accompanied by a fantasy about a real-life situation
    That lasted a few months, but I slowly sliped back into porn and forgot about trying to quit completely.

    Eventually the PMO cycle was making me feel down/irratable and I kept saying after every session "never again", but a few days later I was back at the computer for another PMO session.

    Well, wind forward to 27/7 this year (2019) and after a particuarly bad few days of almost constant PMO, decided enough was enough and I had to get out of the cycle. Something "snapped" to make me take action.

    Sex toys went in the bin (again!) and porn collection deleted, repeating the original list of actions.

    Was very hard with myself that I would stop all MO for a few months to let my mind recover a little.
     
    Yùtù likes this.
  2. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    14/8

    So far 19 days with no PMO. Pretty pleased with myself.

    Started off with no desire to M and not thinking about anything sexual, but as the days passed something has gradually made me put a hand round my genitals when I’m alone and play with them whilst toileting, almost without realising I’m doing it. No M as such but holding everything in my hand in a sort of massaging / comforting way.

    Also starting to look at women in a more sexual way. This is worrying and assume it’s my mind trying to replace the P. Every time it happens, I’m being hard with myself, forcing myself to look away and stopping the thoughts.

    But…

    Went for a pee at work in the cubical as usual (I have always found it easier to pee sitting rather than using the urinal, even when I was a teenager). All cubicles in the office are “accessible” and are a mini washroom, including a mirror rather strangely placed opposite the pan at waist height.

    Caught sight of my genitals in the mirror as I stood up and started examining my penis. I had no prior thoughts or intents, but got a near-instant erection, started to M whilst standing up and within 30 seconds O all over the cubical floor from nothing. WOW, something has changed, haven’t done it that quick for many (many!) years.

    Annoyed as this has broken the no PMO run, but happy in the sense of their being no P (or indeed any sexual) thoughts, just concentrating on the immediate feeling.

    So, reset MO counter to zero :mad: but at least no sign of P.
     
  3. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    21/8

    Came within a fraction of having a wet dream. Not had one or been close since I was in my teens.

    WTF?

    Dreaming about MO but woke up just as the O approached and it subsided. Huge temptation to finish off but resisted and went back to sleep.
     
  4. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    30/8

    35 days of no P, 17 days of no MO.

    Woke up slightly earlier than normal with my hand around my genitals. Like in the toilet a couple of weeks earlier, I started to M without consciously intending to, and ended up quickly grabbing a tissue hand having an O in bed inside a minute, again with no prior thoughts or intent.

    Reset MO counter to zero again :mad: but pleased I have not looked at or even searched for anything sexual or pornographic since starting this “reset”.

    Intend now is to be as hard as I can and resist all genital contact that isn’t toileting or washing, as well as distracting myself whenever I get sexual thoughts.
     
  5. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    Well, feelings are getting interesting (if that's the right word).

    I've always had a pee fetish (personal desperation and wetting myself & the bed, peeing anywhere outdoors).

    Since stating this reboot I have been very firm about not doing anything that might trigger thoughts of this, however am now finding myself building desperation without realising I'm doing it, with the resulting relief creating a sexual feeling and having a hard time not playing a little.

    What's causing this?

    Is it the mind's basic desire to want to masturbate / have "sexual" feelings?

    Any suggestions on a way to stop (or at least reduce) this cycle?
     
  6. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    I need some advice/guidance.

    The urge to M at times is strong, to the extent I'm putting my hand down my trousers without really thinking about what I'm doing. I manage to catch myself before getting going, but it's hard. Very hard.

    What tips can others suggest to make this a little easier?

    The usual "distraction" technique works to an extent (and I'm often busy anyway), but even then I end up with my hand where I don't want it to be :(
     
  7. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Find something else to do with your hands instead?

    Even something like a fidget spinner. I never really used one of those, but something like that might help. If you're working at a desk you could leave a few things around so you've got something else to do with your hands.

    I remember this phase in early recovery where I had to keep my hands well away from my lap or I would get very triggered. The phase passed pretty quickly though.
     
  8. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    63 days so far and no P :):):)

    M and MO are a different matter :(

    I'm mostly succeeding in distracting myself whenever I find hands wandering but have MO'd a couple more times first thing in the morning before getting up. Still half asleep, just started to M without realising what I was doing, pleasure feeling quickly hits and I can't stop.

    There have been various times where my mind has started to wander and think of P images/videos, or I've seen someone or a situation which has triggered sexual fantasies, but I've manged to catch myself very quickly and firmly, concentrating on something else and blocking the P thoughts.

    Given how quickly I'm now able to get aroused (MO within a couple of minutes), I'm starting to believe I've been suffering from PIED for many years as I generally needed P to get any form of decent erection. MO in bed without P would take a lot of mental and physical effort, and time!

    So far happy, just need to work on lengthening the time between each MO.

    The big thing for me is, since starting this, I have not deliberately set out at any point to MO, which was one of the big issues as I would "procrasturbate" instead of doing things that really needed doing. More time in the day, more focus on things that matter :D
     
    Boxer17, nuclpow and occams_razor like this.
  9. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    :mad: Another MO half asleep, feeling I'm not in control.

    Positive side is there's no fantasy or P thoughts, just the feeling.

    Anyone else expereinced this?

    Should I be trying to stop it, or just letting the body control what it wants (it is, afer all, a core biological function!) providing my mind is just focussed on the feeling?
     
  10. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    84 days no P
    Also managed a decent run of 21 days no MO :)

    Several times found myself starting to M in bed, but managed to stop and distract myself into other thoughts.

    Having some really weird dreams, some directly sexual, some more about relationships and girls generally.

    Now trying for 100 days no P :D
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Occasional masturbation without P (and without recalling fantasy) is acceptable IMO.
     
  12. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    120 days with no P :D

    Managed 14 days with no MO since my last post, ended up breaking that run in bed again :(

    Now 21 days since that MO :)

    The hardest part has been resisting the urge to M.

    Found the most effective way is the distraction method. There's always stuff that needs to be done (round the house, hobbies, etc.) so I'm being more organised with "job lists", giving me a direct focus without having to think about what to distract myself with. If the urge hits in the morning whilst still in bed, I get up and make sure I don't M in the shower.

    My pee fetish is also subsiding with only a few instances of building my desperation without realising I'm doing it.

    4 months with no P. Really haven't missed it. Yes, I enjoyed looking at P over the years (particuarly stuff related to personal fetishes), but I've not had any significant urges to go searching for it again.

    So far pleased with progress. Hoping the Christmas holiday doesn't present situations where I'm bored or just want to get away from things for a while and "Escape" :confused:

    One problem however, is writing about the experiences has an arousing effect as I'm thinking about the whole PMO thing. Some suggestions that you should write a daily diary about the rebalancing journey, but what if that has the opposite effect of reminding you about what you should be moving away from? Not easy.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2019
  13. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    You could always try simple encouraging words not NECESSARILY related to becoming PMO-free. I would read them.
     
  14. inoddplaces

    inoddplaces New Member

    Cravings have certainly changed.

    Early on, legitimate genital contact (toileting/washing) would quickly become sexualised unless I was very careful, sometimes resulting in feelings so strong that a rapid MO was the result. These feelings have subsided to a reasonable extent and I can shower without getting an erection or having any urge to MO.

    Thoughts are also becoming less sexually obsessed and mostly managing to block mental P images.

    So yes, it's all having a positive effect.

    Is it having an effect on my life generally? Yes!

    I'm more "with it", getting things done, not feeling lethargic all the time.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.

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