PMO, Chat, and The rise and fall of my sex life.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NewVerse, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know what you mean
    In fantasy we can create and control all the variables.
     
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  2. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    NewVerse,
    I agree with you, I wouldn’t want to get involved with someone that was close to my friends. Too risky.

    Sounds like you are making progress!
     
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  3. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Boxer, exactly! But is also just that. Fantasy. The reality of that fantasy is me sitting alone in a stuffy room either looking for the right video, or chatting and making shit up in my head and jerking off. Literally for hours.
    Followed by feeling tired, ashamed, weak, and trying to mask it publicly.
    If I could let that image dominate my thoughts when urges strike instead of the fantasies pushing them out of the way, I would have killed this addiction a long time ago.

    John Q, day by day. This is i think the 2nd or 3rd longest I have been completely clean. 35 days. or 42 since I've "finished" I think 54 days was the longest. I know I'll need much longer if I seriously want to recover. So far so good!
     
  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I totally agree. If there was a way to bottle up and bring out when tempted the negative impact of pmo it would be a game changer
     
  5. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Maybe you need to raise your standards and start taking this more seriously.

    Since you've identified that weekends are the times you usually slip up, is there a way you can find some healthier behaviours to replace your existing ones? Are you triggered by loneliness, boredom or something else? See if you can narrow down your triggers then change what you do on a weekend. Get out the house more, start a DIY project, reconnect with a friend/family member.

    Consider learning something new (it's not too late) or spend time working on setting some goals for the next few weeks, months, years. If you have a clear set of goals , a sense of purpose and something to aim for you'll be less likely to sit in front of a chat room for hours on end.
     
  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Yes. Well said
     
  7. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Rapha you are right and I should clarify, even in this pattern, most of my weekend is spent with family and friends. I purposely try to fill time up, because it's when I'm left to my own devices when I will slip. Sometimes I'd get home around midnight or one am, and go at it. Free time is a killer for me. I don't generally spend entire weekends binging on chat and fantasy, but I have done it before. It's miserable.

    As far as triggers, probably a combination of boredom, and lack of a certain type of connection or intimacy that is missing from my real life. The type of connections I avoid out of fear or ED, which is also the same thing that drives me down that hole that causes it in the first place.

    I have made lists of alternative things to do with my time, lists of missed connections and opportunities from this addiction. Lists of all the negative effects. As many of you know, some times urges have a way of kicking all that stuff out of the way. I know what I have to do. It is a matter of doing. it.

    I'm still going strong now at about 5 and a half weeks. The further I am from it, the more silly and ridiculous and pathetic all this fantasy stuff seems. And I feel pretty good. I have also been HERE before so I need to keep my eye on the ball.
     
  8. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Looks like some good positives going on for you !
     
  9. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks Boxer! 40 days and coasting. Urges are low. Morning wood daily, which I can't remember the last time that was the case
    Hopefully I am healing. Eyes on the prize!
     
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  10. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    45 days clean today. This is only the second time I've gone this far.
    Last time I went 54 days. That was 2 years ago. I went to a friend's wedding. I only lasted that long because I knew I was going and wanted to be at my best. At the wedding everyone was coupled up except me. At least it seemed that way. I guess I could have taken it as motivation to stay clean but I did the opposite. I literally snuck out during the reception, got my car, went home an binged on chat porn and catfishing. It goes without saying that I felt like complete garbage afterwards.

    Anyhow I feel better on this run. The pull of fantasy is still real. Even a word or a phrase or a picture can send my mind there at times. I keep telling myself "Its not real" and "If not now, when?" I manage to do it before the dopamine rush. so far it has worked. I love how I feel when I'm clean. I love how my voice sounds. I feel more confident. I dont want to lose this, and so far the better me is winning . Meditation and exercise has also helped. Still a long way to go
     
  11. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Outstanding!
     
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  12. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    The conventional wisdom seems to be that it gets easier after 30 days. I don't know about that one. I've had a relatively smooth ride up to this point but the pull of fantasy has crept into my head too much over the last 2 days. So far I've been able to brush it off as I mentioned a few days ago. It is not getting easier though. I don't want to waste this long weekend and nice weather. I don't want to throw away 6 weeks of good work and progress. I don't want to be that pathetic loser pretending to be someone else on the internet lost in fantasy. I don't want to go back to that beta male voiced half a man who can't look people in the eye when he speaks. I should never let something so pathetic that isn't real and has nothing to do with anything or anyone important in my life, or anything that I want in my life have any power over me. Next time a female is interested in me I don't want to run and hide. Fuck this I am going out.
    It helped to write this. Today I win.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2018
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  13. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Not having a clear cut plan for my day or having absolute free time and being left to my own devices is a killer for me.
    I think what is helping me not go down that hole today is the streak I am on. Tonight I hit 49 days since I've delved in fantasy, and 56 if I'm counting my last O. The idea of turning back still doesn't feel like an option and has helped me to shoo away fantasy when it creeps into my head. Though the last few days have been the most difficult by far.

    I started this streak due to having having to avoid a woman who was interested in me, and fear I'm not ready rise to the occasion.
    In the early weeks of this streak, her and I were in contact. That has mostly fizzled out. This is partially a relief, but the prospect of her and I was helping me as motivation. It gave me a sense of urgency.
    It reminded me that it hasn't always been this way. It's been so long since I have been intimate with a woman that I feel like a virgin sometimes.
    I think also part of the reason things are more difficult than they were 2 weeks ago is that this is only the second time I have made it this far, and I suppose there is part of me saying OK time to get back to "normal" now. There was a time when a week clean felt like a long time. A week is nothing to me now. In fact it's my average.

    I'm going out to meet friends in a couple hours, so provided I can go home and go straight to sleep, this will be another clean day in the books.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2018
  14. MichaelPat

    MichaelPat New Member

    This is good stuff New Verse. Keep working it, brother...
     
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  15. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Boxer & MichaelPat thank you for the encouragement.

    Tonight will be 50 days clean. Since I almost never slip during the week because I am too busy, it is likely by next weekend this will be the longest I have ever gone without.

    I do wish I had the momentum feeling I had a couple of weeks ago. I was starting to get morning wood back, but I haven't had it in a week. I wonder if it is due to memories of fantasies hanging around in my head a few seconds longer than they should, or just a natural progression. I never really know if I'm in flatline.

    I have tried listening to ED hypnosis videos at night on youtube before I go to sleep. I don't know if they help or are nonsense. I guess they can't hurt.

    I suppose I feel pretty good otherwise.
    I think need to push myself harder and create my own momentum instead of waiting around for it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2018
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  16. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Not to keep dwelling on morning wood but sometimes I feel like it is only measure of progress down there. I usually wake a few times during the night and morning and I have been rock solid at times, This week has been especially impressive and it is's a good feeling since it's not something I have experienced much. Really close to never, over the past decade. It makes me feel like I am healing

    Today will be 54 days which matches my longest clean streak ever. 61 days without O which is easily my longest ever.

    I desperately need to make plans to fill up time this weekend. My urges have decreased since they had an uptick on thanksgiving weekend. Though there is still that voice in me that is saying. "OK you have beat your record so WHEN are we getting back to doing our thing?" I can easily blow it off during the week, though free time will be the true test.

    It reminds me I still have a long way to go. I am at least starting to look at women less as fantasy fodder. It seems the last 5 years especially, if I would see an attractive woman in person, all I would see is a way to incorporate her into some kind of fantasy for later. There was a time I would see a potential date or girlfriend, and if she expressed interest, I would act on that. At some point that went out the window. I feel that I am at least starting to shift back in the right direction in that regard.

    I DO need to stay off of instagram or at least browse more carefully. It was a big source for triggers last week. I am not big on k9 or any of these internet blockers, or go out of my way to censor my content. For me it only ever makes me obsessed with getting around it. Everything is there for the taking in seconds If I want it. I need to be Sam Malone in the bar.
     
  17. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know what you mean :rolleyes:
     

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