PMO, Chat, and The rise and fall of my sex life.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NewVerse, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. NewVerse

    If I could go back to the immediate days after I lost my longest streak, I would never ever ever have those intermittent days off. You have not undone progress. That inner addict uses our own voice, against us. He creates the images, the experience, the temptations. Actually it's his 'hyping' that tries to make p seem credible, desirable and worthwhile. I actually find the best part is not even p, it's the anticipation, that lingering conversation between us and him, when it's actually just him and him and our real selves momentarily takes a back seat.

    The strongest urge is to m. The real stimulus is our hand. This experiment you did, I did it too before my last relapse. Like you, I recall the dopamine hits, the shallowness of breath, rush of blood through the veins. I remember feeling a weird buzz feeling, it was like I was exhibiting a bodily power cut. The lights went out, but in my mind they were on.

    I in a way, commend you for it, it's nice to know that we are powerful and we give life to the inanimate. Sexual desires are impregnated naturally in our mind, we give birth to them by making them happen or acting them out.


    Porn is one big sham, a magical illusion by a bigger crook magician than oz, but rise again and visualise the trap door next time, and remember you decide whether you fall through... all else is trickery.

    No need for the apologies, I could not thank the brothers on here enough, all of you guys make me so proud, nobody here knows how to quit..and that will make all the difference, I promise you that much.

    Have a Great Day
     
  2. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    sonofJack - the definite difference from this 'trance' state was my awareness level was up. don't get me wrong. i was still caught up, but i'd take time out and pay close attention. even feelings in my arms, and how drained i felt followed by energy bursts, and more weakness. pretty crazy

    midge - you are right, i probably shouldn't over-analyze, but at the same time i want to stay aware of how bad this felt, and contrast that with how good i was feeling, prior. And also to note this was far from the worst eve ever felt during this, which is pretty scary. like i said, i wish i could just bottle it up and sample it. like sticking your toe in the water before you jump in, just feeling it for a few seconds and say "fuck that!". but you're definitely right that my main focus should be freedom.

    somethingelse - "bodily power cut" is a great description. You are definitely wise beyond your years. we're trading off steady good energy for unnatural highs and lows. there were times i just wanted to go to sleep, or just "get it over with", but i thought, what if my dopamine is around the corner? can't stop now. just chasing it. anticipation keeps me from just passing out. it's no way to live.
     
  3. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    NewVerse,

    Glad to see you pick yourself up so quickly after the fall and get back on the wagon.

    I had completed 23 days free from PMO and was starting on day 24 when all the stresses from work and health related issues got me into doing the pity party in my head. Oh look at me, look at all my troubles. I then let fear set in, and then I went into a depressed state. I grabbed for what had for years been my comfort, my release, the one thing that could take the pressure off - my old enemy PMO reared it's ugly head. I fell and then got back up. The brain wanted more dopamine, so I fell again, again, again, and again for a period of a few days. The boomerang effect hit me hard. It was like my brain wanted what it was missing for a little over 3 weeks. I would complete a PMO and say, hey that's it back on the wagon. Then 4 to 5 hours it was back to another PMO. I was like a robot doing the same action - time slipped away with the clock handles moved rapid like in the movies. Time I will never get back.

    Actually I don't feel bad physically, I still feel some of the good effects of the 23 days free. I am not angry with myself, I am not depressed, I just don't feel anything right now. I feel like I have been in a trance the last few days, brainwashed. The real test comes for me tomorrow, Monday morning. When I wake up, the urges are going to be there. They are going to press me hard. I have every intention of fighting with everything I got, I have to punch through the wall of urges and get my life moving forward again.

    I am glad that you aren't giving up, I am not giving up either. The hard part for me will be staying on the wagon for the next few days. Once I get into the routine again of staying clean it will get easier. However it has always been difficult for me to pickup after a PMO marathon. I will fight tomorrow morning and I won't give up.
     
  4. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Rex,

    Hang in there, brother. Looks like this thing hit us in different ways. I have definitely been where you are, and turned took to binging as medicine during hard times, but I had a great week prior. Things were finally lining up nicely, and a couple huge weights had just been lifted off me. I felt I had successfully fought off two days of urges, and was feeling physically strong. I had every reason to not binge, then somehow wound up binging from 5pm friday to about 6 pm saturday (minus sleep and a few errands). I was feeling kind of invincible. I didn't think It would do such a number on me physically.

    I don't feel like I completely lost my progress. I went out Saturday, and I still felt good but my energy wasn't steady. I'd feel like the guy i've been feeling like for the past month, then 10 minutes later i'd feel exhausted. I was kind of the same way Sunday. Sometimes off, sometimes, on. I figure it should take about a week to feel i'm back in full stride. Sounds like you don't have the energy depletion I experienced, but you have a pretty mean chaser effect going on. I'm not quite as clear headed, and I feel very slight urges, but I want my energy back too badly to go back. I took really good note of these lows. It was a pretty bad experience.

    The only advice I can offer is try not to freak out over this. Just steadily try to move forward, and focus more on your better self, and not so much on your inner addict. If It knows if you're going to "fight it with everything you've got", it's just going to wait for you to stop swinging, tire, and give in. You want to drain your addict of it's power. Not drain your power trying to fight it. I feel like when you give your addict your undivided attention (even when that attention is combative), it's winning. You weaken it by not giving it your undivided attention. You drain its importance, and it withers. That's how I see it, anyway.

    One day at a time, man.
     
  5. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Sounds like you were so good you almost had a binge to celebrate.... I've noticed this happens to me, I feel fantastic that I have beaten porn and suddenly binge.
    I like your way of putting it, that porn is a energy drain. And it is helpful to both use willpower to resist but remind ourselves that indulging will literally rob us of drive, energy and libido.

    My lowest points have been almost pushing my girlfriend out the door so I can indulge in chat, posting images etc... then when she returned being irritable and so on. I thought I was a secret fiend and am hugely appreciative of this forum which made me see it is such a widespread problem.
     
  6. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    In a way, yeah. "It's like I feel great, you know what else feels great?" and i know it's bullshit but i do it anyway. Or I just feel like i can handle it. It's a definite drain. especially binges. It's like stealing energy from your future and condensing it into a few moments to feel high.

    I remember when my girlfriend even from a long way back was going on vacation and i couldn't wait to break out those vhs tapes. This thing has been with me for way too long. :-\
     
  7. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Haven't really gotten my initial groove back

    I stayed clean for about 5 days, and blew it the last 3

    Part of what happened is my prostate (i think) was bothering me. I started experiencing burning sensations every time after urinating and it's something I never felt. And i figured since I've never gone 34 days without ejaculating (since i've been able to do so), and i had never had this problem before, that it might be unhealthy for me to not to "clear my pipes" every now and then. And the thing is, when i did, the discomfort stopped.
    So...
    34 days clean - no discomfort
    2 day binge - no discomfort
    3rd, 4th days clean - burning WTF? ('remedied' by quick MO)

    i feel like the pattern somehow screwed me up. I was also taken back by PE the first time I binged (not so much this weekend)

    Problem is that when I MO'd i did it thinking of previous binge fantasies which of course led me to binge hard the next day, and destroyed all the momentum of the last 5 days, and probably along with what momentum I had built up over the last 34.

    I feel like I probably have to ejac at least once a week. I just have to do it without fantasies. I know some of you are strict hardliners, but I don't feel like MO is my problem. fantasy is my problem. It's just that its so related.

    I dunno. I'm not trying to screw my prostate up while killing this addiction. I need to find a balance. I know a doctor will probably just tell me it's healthy to MO. So I'm just going to listen to my body.

    What my body also tells me is that there's nothing worse than binging. Like I said above, I feel like binging is just stealing energy and joy from your future and condensing it into a few moments to get high. It's a greedy, shitty thing to do to your future self. I felt worse last night than I have felt in 7 Weeks. More drained and depressed anyway.

    So, back to my freedom fight, i go. One day at a time. I feel "OK" right now, but I hope you all are doing better than I am :)
     
  8. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Hey NV, I've experienced that burning sensation too. I do not have the medical authority to say what causes it, but I know that it did not happen during my 160ish day streak this past year, but did upon my PMOing that streak into oblivion. Since then, sometimes it crops up again, most times it does not.

    There may be a prostate connection, though mine has been deemed by my doc to be functioning 30 years under its age. I liken it more to that burning we get when attempting to urinate when the junk is nearly frozen (an all-too-common experience for those of us too thick to accept that running at -30 for 90 minutes, is just not sensible). Though it is uncomfortable, at first, it is not damaging, nor is it indicative of a more sinister problem.

    There are men here who have gone M free for a very long time, with no ill effects. My concern is that M, is an entry-drug to P, and it is far too easy to slip right back to where you've been distancing yourself from. Occasional M is probably not hurtful, but scheduled M sessions are risky, if your goal it to be PMO free.

    Just my opinion, of course.
     
  9. MitchConners

    MitchConners Member

    Interesting. I know someone who is single. I do not think he is gay. I wonder if this can be why?


     
  10. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Yeah, it's hard to say. During "clean" time I had no problems. Going from nothing to binging so hard probably has the most to do with it. I think it somehow threw my system out of whack. Since it's something new, the whole thing was pretty disconcerting. Kind of playing it by ear right now.
     
  11. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    I do wonder this sometimes about other people I know who are single and straight around my age. If they could be going through the same thing, or have some type of ED. It really could be anything though. Part of it is i'm a fairly decent looking guy. I don't have a problem finding women who will go out with me. I guess it would make people jump to that conclusion, or at least wonder. Kind of sucks knowing I do have options and realizing i'm wasting it on myself, because I can't get right.
     
  12. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    We had a few friends in our circle who never expressed interest in women but neither were gay. There was some gossip, particularly girls actually would suggest they were gay.
    I actually think more of us have this addiction than we imagine. It is not a topic I would bring up with a friend, but I do think in a couple of years the awareness of consequences of porn will go mainstream.
     
  13. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    I hope that you're all doing well.

    I haven't been on in a few months. It's been a rough few months dealing with family issues, and work issues. It's felt more like 8 or 9 months as opposed to 3!

    I wish i could come on here and say I've been clean the whole time but that's sadly not the case. I've managed to string a bunch of short streaks together. i usually last about 5 or 6 days. My longest I believe was a bout two weeks. There have been binges inbetween that however. Overall I've PMO'd far less than before I found this place, but I'm not where I want to be.

    I do notice i feel much better on my clean streaks. I even have purposely stayed clean on weeks where i need to be on top of my game at work. it gives me an extra edge. It's pretty obvious i'm better off clean, though i do still use M as a coping mechanism, and for stress relief, and sometimes (maybe even mostly) just out of habit.

    Hopefully I can get back on track. I'm only 2 days clean right now. I'll probably need more fog to clear for a more focused post.

    I hope you're all doing great/better/good, etc... I had some trouble getting on here earlier. I don't know if the site has issues now?

    Anyway, i hope you all have a great week and 4th holiday!
     
  14. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Good to hear that you're fighting the fight NV!
     
  15. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks SoJ!

    Yup, still in it..

    I hope you're doing well. I'll have to catch up on your journal
     
  16. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Been a while since I've been here, but i still lurk here on occasion.

    Haven't given up. Mostly the pattern has been that i'll I get on clean streaks of a week or two. start feeling great, then binge. I have used staying clean as an extra energy source at times. I really do prefer the person I am when I'm clean for a time. I like the way feel, and the way I interact with people with more self-assurance.

    Sometimes I just fall off due to overconfidence . It's like I'm feeling good, and I don't think the drain on me will be that bad, if I binge. (it always is). and sometimes it's just due to stress, which i have quite a bit of, and i feel like need that escape. The messed up part is that "clean" me is much better at handling the stressful situations, and not so easily overwhelmed.

    There is stress from family, and financial situations that have on one hand kept me too busy to dedicate too much time to binging. It's also my excuse for not getting back out there and meeting real women. Then when the stress levels get lower, I think i binge to keep me in that safe place. immediate gratification. no risk of the embarrassment of possibly not getting it up.

    Trying to take a more relaxed approach, while still being mindful of the larger picture of having a real relationship again. I have tried to be of the mindset that it's technically easier to stay clean, than it is to binge, since it doesn't involve actually doing something. I even recorded before and after videos and try to contrast. Some of those things work some of the time

    Anyway, these are pretty scattered thoughts. I'm 4 days clean in a couple hours. One day at a time is definitely the way to go with this

    Hope you are all well

    NV
     
  17. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    haven't posted here in quite some time.

    30 days ago I went to a party. I was 7 days clean. Feeling pretty good with a bit of "superpower" mojo
    It was mostly familiar people, and some I haven't seen in a while. I found myself talking to a few females two of who I know casually and have had some interest in for a while.
    I was feeling and doing good. Top of my game socially. For a while it helped me forget the scummy porn and chat addict I am behind closed doors.

    When I got home I was feeling pretty good, and kind of tipsy. I jumped on my computer and got to usual weekend habits. My pattern lately is clean during the week and PMO on weekends. Occasionally I'll go 2 weeks, but It's been this way for the better part of 2 years. I hear my phone notification go off. It's one of the females from the party contacting me on social media. I see the beginning of the message but I don't read it yet because I don't want her to know I saw it yet. Panic sets in. Panic because I know I'm not prepared. I have PIED. I run back to my computer to my habits, but I can't stop thinking about what the message says. Eventually I stop and don't even finish. I keep telling myself "If not now then when?"

    I open my phone and it's of course a message expressing clearly that she's interested in me, and asking if I would like to hang out some time. I answer back with an excuse but in a way that I express interest back. I WANT this to happen but I am trying to buy time.

    I've been clean since that night. 30 days of hard mode. 37 without ejaculation. Her and I have talked here and there, but this is not about her. Even if nothing happens here I can't keep pushing away opportunities for the rest of my life.

    I don't know if anyone will read this or anyone I used to talk to on here is still around. I just needed a place to write this. I hope you are all well.

    PS. Please vote today.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  18. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    NewVerse,
    This is really a difficult situation. I’m not sure how I would handle it. Intially I felt like I was making progress in my reboot but I’ve been in a flatline for a very long time. Being married I find myself looking for opportunities where I actually have some small libido to engage with my wife and that is very infrequently.

    It might do you good have contact with someone. Maybe you can arrange a careful date where the opportunity for sex can’t/won’t happen.

    Hang in there!
     
    NewVerse likes this.
  19. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey there New Verse
    I think John Q's idea may be a good approach
     
  20. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    JohnQ, Boxer17, thank you for your replies.

    You are probably right. I would say with this particular woman, getting together with her now is too scary of a prospect. We know all the same people. Meaning if I "fail" even if she is understanding about it, she tells at least one person, and everyone else knows eventually. I know I shouldn't care about this sort of thing especially at my age, but I will admit I do. It's probably better if I can see someone with more distance from my circle of friends.

    I do miss real experiences with real women so much. I have never had a problem meeting or attracting women. (Keeping them is another thing). I think that has always been part of my problem. Even in my 20 when my sex life was "normal" thinking back on some very attractive women, they rarely moved me the way fantasy does.

    But I absolutely need to get out there, and I absolutely need to stay clean and ride this thing out.

    I am getting morning and middle of the night wood back this past week or so. I don't think I have had that in at least 2 years! I feel good about that
     

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