PMO, Chat, and The rise and fall of my sex life.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NewVerse, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. grimdark

    grimdark zombie

    it can be tough, porn stars even have facebook profiles these days.

    I was minding my own business (if that can truly be said on FB lol) yesterday and a "suggested page for you to like" often turns out to be a fetish model, porn star, whatver. It's tempting, it's everywhere, and it takes a lot of will to not let that ball get rolling.

    If i had a nickel for every time i thought i could just peek, and wound up kicking myself 2 hours later.
     
  2. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    The time lost aspect is one of the worst parts of this thing. Sure, fapping is a natural thing, but literally spending entire nights with my dick in my hand staring at a screen is indicative of a sickness. And the only way I could not think about how pathetic I was would be to do it more.

    Even though I've been aware of this for a long time, this is one of the first times I've been able to step outside myself for any period of time without running to the one thing that helps me not think about it.
     
  3. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Excellent! You're progressing NV. That realization of what you were, shows that you're pulling away from that person.
     
  4. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    You have said so much NewVerse,

    You are right. Masturbation is a pretty natural way for many people and a few animals to act on their sex drive when not with a partner or mate... nothing wrong with it in all it's simplicity.

    But, I got my neurochemical wires crossed, very early in life and sought out PMO as a reflexive impulse... I assume much like you.

    Then things really spiral out of our control and we just wank on auto pilot, even when not really horny. I think it important regardless of our individual values or morals to recognize that somewhere along the way we kind of just went long for the ride...

    UNTIL NOW... you friend, have chosen to exercise your free will and go a different way. SO AWESOME!

    It's going to take time and maybe a few tries to rewire the years of imbalance from PMO use.

    Your doing very well brother!
     
  5. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    @sonofJack. It's great to have perspective. Even when those urges pop up, it's gotten easier look at it from a larger scope. I've tried this countless times before but that trance would just be too much, and could never be reasoned with. If it didn't get me one week, I knew it would get me the next. The more I starve this thing, the less power it's had over me. I know the winning formula to beat this thing. I just have to stay at it.

    @fcjl8 - so true about this just becoming instinct. Even on days, i didn't binge, fapping just became a thing like brushing my teeth. Sometimes I'd go 3 days without and be surprised when it occured to me... like, damn i've been busy lol.

    It's gonna be interesting if this compulsion will ever hit the mainstream at some point. I have no moral issues with porn whatsoever. I'm not even bothered that there's so much access, but our brains obviously aren't prepared for it.
    I'm not a deeply religious guy (though I have no problems with anyone who is), but I imagine if I was, or if porn was also a moral issue for me, the crushing come downs of this thing might even hit me harder than they already were... which is pretty scary, because it's a dark place as it is. It was killing me inside.

    The more this addiction feeds, the more it demands. Then it gets bored so we have to try something new. Then we find something new that those receptors react to, and that new thing becomes the norm. Starving it is really the only thing that can kill it.

    And I know the rewiring will take time. That's another tough one to swallow, but just knowing I can do it is a pretty amazing feeling. Plus i've already seen/lived the alternative for years, and it sucks.

    Thanks very much, fellas!
     
  6. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    NewVerse,

    Very good job redirecting your thoughts and not falling for this devious temptation. That is the exact pattern of many of my falls when I would quit PMO for a few days. I would even do this seeing some pretty Hollywood actress on IMDB, which is a family friendly website. I would say wow, this one is pretty. They the thought would hit me, "hey wonder if she's got any naked pictures or naked captures from a film she was in. And pretty soon I was finding something after a Google search and then wham bam, I had fallen to a PMO in no time at all.

    When I see a pretty woman pop up in an web ad reading a new site, I just close out of the window now. I opened up a car magazine and yesterday and saw a gorgeous woman in one of the ads, I just turned the page real quick and said "so what I don't care, I am not looking." I am not getting the ball rolling no matter what.

    Keep up the good work, you are doing great!
     
  7. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    NewVerse,

    I had plenty of those nights, I would come home from work and do something constructive and then at around 11:00 PM, I would go on the Internet and something would trigger me and I would be looking at porn. I would be up all night falling to a PMO sometimes two or three. And there were plenty of times I would look at the clock and it was 6:00 or 7:00 AM and I would say wow I just wasted my whole night and now I have to go to work with no sleep. I used to see the Viagra commercials on TV and I would get worried when they would say if you had an erection after taking Viagra for more than 4 hours seek immediate medical help. Even though I never took Viagra, some nights I had an erection all night when I was engrossed in porn, I don't know how I did it. It's amazing I didn't have a heart attack or stroke with all the adrenaline and other brain chemicals being released in heavy doses flowing through my body for so many hours sometimes 6 or 7 hours straight. I had too many of these all night binges. The thoughts of these out of control binges, help me to keep the current course I am on to stay free from PMO. I never want to go back to those nights, they were the worst nights of my life.
     
  8. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks, Rex!

    You seem to be going strong as well. You've been a really positive voice around here. It's funny you mentioned the heart attack/stroke thing. I used to get my heart rate going so much and thinking, damn this cant be healthy! But yeah, those nights were the worst, and always leave you feeling miserable. That used to never stop me, but it's not seeming so hard these last couple weeks. I usually don't have too much trouble seeing a hot girl online or in public as long as I don't get fixated. The problem is at some point I stopped looking at real life women as anything but fantasy fodder for later. Especially after my last experience with ED. I pretty much had given up on reality, or saw them as a "well maybe once I get my shit together" type of thing. Now I see a hot girl in public as inspiration to get my life back.
     
  9. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Another friday (my PMO/chat hump day). This is traditionally the day I would usually fall down that rabbit hole. No real desire, or legit worries of falling off the wagon tonight. It has happened before though. I'd be feeling normal, and it would just take one thought or image to steer me into that trance. And it had gotten really bad over the past few months, to where it just became my Friday routine. Even when it wasn't pulling me hard, i'd just binge out of boredom. Just to feel something.

    I'm pretty much in a different mindstate and a better place right now. This Friday is much easier than last Friday (which was the hardest day out of this 20 days so far). I like the me i've been for the past few weeks. I don't feel like giving that up for something that will guarantee me misery.

    Hope everyone has a great weekend!
     
  10. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.


    NewVerse,

    Look at how far we have come along since joining the board. The change for me has been night and day, the addiction had such a grip on me. I couldn't control it.

    You are right, it's all about looking at women in a different way, retraining the brain.

    Hey keep up the good work you are doing great!
     
  11. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Appreciate that, Rex

    Last night turned out to be rougher than I thought. I didn't slip, but like last week, I let thoughts linger enough to where I could feel that dopamine rush. I don't really want to get to the point where I have to look away, or change the channel when I see a hot girl, but I do need to be stricter with myself. Memories of certain fantasies, and cravings are deeply ingrained, and triggers are more powerful than i have been giving them credit for. The second I knowingly "let go", I feel that little hit of dopamine and it's like a trance begins. I wasn't worried about falling off last night, as much as it being the beginning of going back down that path. And letting go almost felt like just exhaling. Pretty scary stuff. Someone on here suggested clapping once as a way to snap out of it. It did the trick (at least this time).

    In some ways, I feel like even without PMO, if we allow those dopamine hits, it severely gets in the way of our recovery. Like walking on that broken ankle before it's healed, we need to let those D2 receptors heal up. Plus I know the longer I entertain thoughts, the stronger the cravings will get, until I no longer have the control over my brain, I've enjoyed for the past 3 weeks.

    I wound up watching the 6 part series on YBOP last night because I hadn't seen it yet. It was very helpful. This whole "starve the beast" mentality I've been trying to focus on was explained in neurological terms, since it's exactly what's going on in our brains. Our addicted minds have developed a strong "Go for it" pathway, and a severely weakened impulse control pathway. The go for it pathway is the path of least resistance to or reward circuit, so it begs us to take that easy road. The impulse control ("think about it") pathway is powerless against it. But if we reverse the process by not acting on impulse, it's a way of feeding and strengthening our impulse control pathway, and weakening the "go for it" path. If we stay focused, they even out eventually, and the balance in our brain returns.

    The videos obviously explain it much better than I did, but I can't believe I hadn't watched that yet. It's exactly what i needed last night.

    Not as worried today, or tomorrow, since I have plans, but I feel like next Friday I need to get out and socialize, or find activities that don't involve staring at a screen.

    After a slight stutter-step, 21 days coming up in a few hours. 8)
     
  12. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    NewVerse,

    I am glad you brought this up, I was ready to post a similar post on my journal in a few minutes. I had the same problem today. I had the images of two beautiful women naked in my head, tormenting me today at a few different times. I found myself entertaining the thoughts and then catching myself. It was really strong. However as bad as they were, the urges to want to find their nude pictures again and look at them was almost overwhelming. But I kept batting these thoughts down. I kept telling myself this will pass and it would each time. Then a few hours ago it hit real strong. I just laughed and said to myself, it doesn't matter how hard or bad the urges get, the urges can't physically force me to engage in a PMO, only I can give in. And I said no matter how hard the urges get, I am not giving in, I have come too far. Then they lifted from me. I feel much stronger after these temptations. Though the urges and vivid images popping up in my brain were exciting me, after all these women are gorgeous. I just said those aren't my women, I then said they have boyfriends and husbands. It's not real. All-in-all I feel much better even after these heavy urges and temptations. My mind was weaker today as you found yours, however my resolve was stronger than it ever has. It reminded me about the time, a woman kept complaining at work about gaining weight and that she couldn't stop eating and some smart ass guy said to her "you can stop, nobody is tying you down and force feeding you". The funny thing as terrible as that comment was that the inconsiderate guy made, he was right. Nobody is tying me down forcing me to PMO. Only I can give in to it, that gave me a great deal of confidence today.

    Thanks for the info on the videos, I'll check them out.

    Keep fighting brother, you and I are going to beat this darn thing.
     
  13. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    NewVerse,

    To add to my post I just posted above.

    One other thing that I just thought of is I watched a PG style movie late last night however there were a couple of beautiful women in the movie and I started to get excited a few times during the movie seeing them. I would then change my thoughts and not focus on these women but it was hard. It's possible this may have also gotten my brain trigger towards going down the paths you mentioned. I think I am going to stick to watching documentaries or similar type films for the time being.
     
  14. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Yeah, this is where I think my stubbornness comes into play, because I don't want to have to avoid everything where there's a chance of seeing a hot female. And for the most part, I've been pretty good at not letting things like TV shows and movies affect me. As long as I don't fixate, I'm good. But last night I was on tumblr searching through some people's blogs. I wasn't on there specifically to look at hot women, but anyone here who has ever been on tumblr, knows scantily clad and nude females are just about everywhere. I know I shouldn't have been on there but I got arrogant about my control over this thing, figuring, If I could admire the hot girls on True Detective with no worries, I can handle this too. But there are just too many images on tumblr flooding my brain. I regained control but I really should have known better. I also had to unlike Suicide Girls on facebook. That one hurt!

    Your triggers sound even more sensitive though at this point. Do whatever you have to do.
     
  15. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    Good point, my triggers are really sensitive, I believe they will begin to eventually subside over time and though I don't think I'll ever be able to watch dirty R-rated movies. Hopefully sometime in the future regular movies with attractive women will eventually not bother me.

    Tumblr is a very dangerous place, it's chocked full of beautiful nude women and also captures or pictures of women in XXX movies. It was one of my playgrounds on the Internet. Though there are clean pictures on Tumblr there are just too many dirty ones that you can easily stumble across. It's like finding a great surfing spot with fantastic waves however the waters are littered with Great White sharks and you are wearing a black wet suit so you look just like the Great White's prey, the sea lion. No matter how good the waves are you know you are going to get eaten by a Great White sooner or later. Same is true with Tumblr, you have to pass on the website and go somewhere else, which is a conclusion you have wisely come to.

    However look at the bright side you caught yourself both on the Tumblr site and also by removing the Suicide Girls as friends on your facebook page. You didn't fall and you adjusted your behavior before you had the big fall into PMO. In a few hours you will hit the 3 week mark, you have come a long way, and it's only going to get easier from here. Keep up the good fight! Congratulations on hitting the 3 week mark!
     
  16. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    lol perfect
    I think at some point I'll be able to risk surfing with sharks, but I'm clearly not ready for that yet
    thanks for the congrats, man. Even though there have been some bumps, this is going far better than I would have expected
     
  17. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Day 22
    No PMO, but its time to be more vigilant. My problem isn't as much porn as it is fantasy. It's just that it's all related. Last night I went out with friends. No issues, then got home late, messed around on tumblr (against my better judgement).and was just flooded with memories of chats I had. I'm not sure what the specific trigger was, because sometimes all it takes for those memories to come back is a word, or a phrase, and it will jar a memory loose.

    I hate doing this because the more I entertain thoughts, the more that dopamine kicks in. It's not even horniness. it's just my mind begging for its hit. It was like a battle going on in my brain... let go --> think about something else --> feel the rush --> redirect "just let go"/"don't fuck up. you've come too far". The more I would think about one memory, I'd start searching for more memories. It was rough. Part of me is telling me to pound one out just to get my mind right. Part of me is searching in my mind when I'm gonna have time for a real binge, and trying to convince me that maybe the relapse will be a positive thing, and will give me a greater understanding of this whole thing, but I know that's a trick as well. I just went to sleep.

    Though, I went out last night, and I stay pretty busy, I feel like I don't get out enough. I really need more activities that don't involve looking at screens. Part of the reason I don't get out enough is because the more I go out, the more real prospects will pop up... that sounds like a good thing, but because of the ED, I'm not ready to date. But the more I interfere with my recovery, the further I delay getting back to real women.

    I don't want to dwell on this too much. I'm not trying to psych myself out into relapse. I feel good right now. Just need to be more aware of triggers. Keeping in mind that my goal isn't as much to fight off the powerful beast. Its to starve this beast to where it has no power over me. The good news is that I won last night. 3 weeks ago, I would have fallen easily. I'm stronger than this thing.
     
  18. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Day 23

    Feeling much better today. Time to come up with more activities that are out in the real world. Between the internet, my TV, movies, kindle, work, etc.. I feel like I spend most of my life staring at screens. In many ways the internet has been a godsend for me. As somewhat of an introvert, I like being able to connect with people, and keep in touch while still enjoying my personal space. But not only have I become too comfortable with that dynamic, it's also the source of my addiction. I need my brain to especially re-learn that sex is something that takes place live, and in 3D, and not something that only exists on screens, and in my imagination. At some point my brain lost sight of that.

    I love the internet but I'm glad I didn't have it growing up. I'd be a 40 year old virgin for sure.
     
  19. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    NewVerse,

    You are so right with the Internet, TV, etc. we can almost can get away with not leaving the house and living a life in seclusion like Howard Hughes did in his later years. It's definitely good as you mentioned getting out there and talking with people and just getting out of the house. Some days spending so much time staring at computer, iPod, or mobile phone screens even yard work and other manual labor seems fun.
     
  20. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    It's a good thing I'm gonna be busy this weekend. Urges seem to be hitting harder this week, but If I can get through Friday, I'll coast through next week. Much of this struggle rests in basic lifestyle changes. Changing habits, and pounding into my head that these binges just aren't part of my life anymore.

    I'm pretty much in flatline, and it's an offsetting feeling at times. I don't have urges to fap, but memories come back and that rush that comes from the hunt kicks in, and it puts me in that kind of trance state that I have to snap myself out of. I've been mostly good about re-directing my thoughts, but sometimes I allow them to linger too much. It's hard to starve that beast, because I feel like even without fapping, when these thoughts kick in, i'm giving it enough dopamine snacks that it's still hanging around waiting to pounce. I'm hoping the more I get used to life without it, the more it will weaken, and things will fall more into place.

    Working on a list of things I can do to keep from sliding down that hole when i even start feeling that pull. Some are activities like exercise, or mediation, or to-do list stuff I've been slacking on.. more outdoor activities. Even something even as simple as keeping my front door open. I'm obviously not gonna fap if i think neighbors can see me through my security door lol. I should probably also pick up that "Slight Edge" book, that underdog recommended. I need more weapons.

    25 days in. Pretty sure that's the longest I've ever gone without.
     

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