PMO, Chat, and The rise and fall of my sex life.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NewVerse, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Day 12

    I don't necessarily like ruts, but think the good thing about having certain daily/weekly routines is it has allowed me to contrast the way I feel (physically/psychologically) during certain moments of my week. If i'm running an errand, or doing something at work, I've been able to think and focus how i feel compared to when I was doing the same thing two weeks ago. There's a radical difference in all of it. I know this "high" i feel, or renewed feeling of strength is going to settle in, until it just feels normal. Triggers arise, and i have to ask myself i want to lose this, and go back to feeling like the pathetic loser i felt like two weeks ago.

    I won't lie that if it wasn't for the ED, i don't know if i could ever quit. I'd probably take the lows of this addiction if i knew I could still perform as a man. Maybe the ED is a blessing in that sense, because it won't allow me to have my cake and eat it too. The ED and my addiction feed each other. The PMO causing my brain to not allow me to "rise to the task" in real situations, and the ED killing my spirit, and isolating me to more PMO. Also serving as my escape, so i won't have to think about how bad ED feels, and what it has cost me. I know it's a familiar story on here, but as I try to recover/rewire/reboot, i remind myself that both of those things make me feel like complete shit. Keeping that in mind as that little gremlin tries to look for a weakness and creep into my brain.

    Not happening today though. Today is a good day
     
  2. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Happy for you NewVerse,

    12 days is a darn good start by any standard...

    Your statement about your ED being your primary motivation originally is really good. I never had ED , I just had a bit of a revelation about myself and the time I wasted using PMO... I think whatever gets through our skulls and sets our freedom in motion... we should probably be thankful for... thankful for ED... yikes but probably true?
     
  3. grimdark

    grimdark zombie

    it's all circular, Newverse, all circular.

    Ive seen the pattern myself continually - i feel like shit about myself, so i cannot face women, so i run home and PMO to electronic "women". So i feel like shit about myself more, and i cant face women (and now men too, anyone else seems superior to me), so i run home for my PMO comfort. So i feel like shit again today, and now even barely feel good around my family and friends, so i run home to my PMO comfort....

    I never got hit too hard with the ED stick, but with me i've always had prostate and testicular pain due to PMO several times daily for hours finally giving me chronic pain. So the pain kicks in, and drives me even further into being a recluse (even while married), which made me do more PMO, which caused more pain, which.... yeah.


    This whole thing is a cyclical addiction, all our actions feed the purpose of feeding the purpose. It's like being in an MMO (i wonder who knows this) and doing boring-as-fuck day-long raids in the same location, so you can get better loot and gear so you can do boring-as-fuck day-long raids in another location.
     
  4. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    @ fcjl8 - Thanks, man! It feels pretty good. You're lucky you never had to deal with ED. it's the worst. If that weren't my main motivator, PMO would still make me feel like garbage though. These last 2 weeks of feeling normal, are making me realize it was worse than i though

    @ grimdark - yeah, you nailed it. I especially hate going to a social event after a binge. I feel like half a man. i put on my best front, and try to not feel like a piece of shit. if anything goes wrong, i run back to my cave for more. i've avoided so many real opportunities with women because of that flash forward of me pretending I'm just as surprised as her at my non-functioning penis, or blaming the rubber, or her saying "it's ok, i don't care". it's the worst. All that pain youre describing sounds awful though.

    best thing i'm feeling right now is the desire to run away when things get rough hasn't been there. not saying it's gone for good, but i haven't felt it. someone in another post described PMO as a pacifier. I hate admitting how accurate that is.
     
  5. The Dude Wannabe

    The Dude Wannabe New Member

    NewVerse,
    Sounds like you're doing great. Keep it up.
    You hit on something for me. You said you felt like half a man when you had to go out after a binge. My wife is a yoga teacher and has some really "interesting" acquaintances. Some of these folks supposedly have an insight/vision where they can see "into" people. (Not sure if I believe this sort of thing or not...but there are always possibilities in the world.) I have avoided these folks and situations because I am SO afraid they'll see what I really am on the inside. Even in many other social situations I've felt like a shark swimming in a bunch of minnows. Like I was something not good/dangerous.
    I'm hoping to feel more "normal" / "cleaner" in public. Being able to feel on par with society will be a good thing!
     
  6. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    TDW thanks, man!

    I'm not sure who much truth there is to that stuff either, but people can definitely sense your energy. some will try and look through you, some can taste weakness. I don't know about shame though haha.

    I can say I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time, and haven't been so aware in how I interact with people. I project my voice more, I'm not feeling some deep seeded inferiority. I feel like i'm at the top of my game. Definitely sharper.

    Trying to stay focused though. Friday is my hump day in this whole rewiring/rebooting thing. That's always been my biggest binge day. I got this though. Don't want to lose these good feelings.
     
  7. grimdark

    grimdark zombie

    im glad to read you guys have felt this ugliness too, it's terrible. It's not the truth tho.

    You know, i thought for years that i had no guilt or conscience. I'm not a sociopath or anything, I feel emotions and if I hurt someone i would feel bad about it. But about my personal habits, no matter what they are. Or anyones. Live and let live, i thought within those boundaries i would never have any guilt. If i wanna jack off for hours every day, whose business is it? Why should i feel bad?

    It's just not true, guilt is the entire reason that we have felt this ugliness. It's the guilt over wasting our lives on this foolishness. We may even fool ourselves into thinking we arent guilty, but our subconcious mind sees things differently.

    Even now that im trying to make a change i still feel it, hopefully it starts to diminish soon.
     
  8. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    the guilt and shame eats at you. and it eats at you so much we run to the thing that comforts us, which is the thing that causes that guilt/shame/ugliness in the first place. We just have to get in the habit of not leaning on it, and living without it. hopefully it gets easier from there (as many on here have said). like when you first rode a bike without training wheels, you feel like you never needed them.

    tonight was the first night i really had to fend off some urges. it's like when you're driving and trying to stay awake. that voice says "just close your eyes for a second". i had some feelings of "just peek for a second" with a certain site, but i managed. like i'd said, Friday is my hump day for this thing. i usually go out on Saturdays, and chill at home alone on Fridays. I'll probably have to start making plans more on Firdays, but for now, I guess i'll watch some House of Cards.
     
  9. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    As I hit my 14th day mark, there's something I find I need to be weary of

    I have zeroed in the last couple weeks of just how much I've used PMO as a pacifier, and I feel like for the most part, my brain has shut off that entrance. No urges to run away or reach for that security blanket. In a short time, it's made me feel like a stronger, and overall better man.

    With the self-pity/"Just run away" door secured, the gremlin is trying a different way in. Exploit these good feelings I'm having by convincing myself I can handle a little fantasy without repercussions. There's a voice telling me that a relapse is not only possible, but only a matter of when . It points to several posts on these boards saying "chances are you will relapse, but don't worry, just start over" the voice is saying, i might as well get my relapse(s), out of the way, but i know it's the same voice I've been hearing for 10+ years now telling me I can get serious and buckle down after this one last time. Just one more for the road.

    I let my guard down too much last night and this morning. I didn't slip down that rabbit hole, but I have allowed certain thoughts and flashbacks linger, for, say, 8 seconds instead of 2 seconds. "just close your eyes and imagine for a minute", the voice tells me. It's made me aware of the long road ahead. With me, it's not as much the call of those steaming sites, but just the call of fantasy trying to convince me i'm missing out. I can look at an image of a hot girl on the internet, or on TV, or a pretty girl in public without losing my shit, but I have to be really careful of allowing my mind to wander when I do. I need to focus on reality now. I've been so far removed that I sometimes forget I've dated/had sex with/been in relationships with several actual attractive women, and if I ever want to again, I have to stay the course with this thing. But if I give in, I'm doomed to a cycle of creepy solitude. chasing a rush followed by severe self-hatred, and feeling like half a man when i'm out in the real world.

    It's a huge help coming here and being able to write my thoughts out, and see what many of you are going through. A huge thanks to all of you for being supportive and telling your own stories. Describing your own demons. Like i said, Friday is my hardest day in this thing. Made it through this one and many more to come

    NV
     
  10. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Congrats on 2 weeks NewVerse!

    Don't listen to the b.s. that "those voices" might try feeding you! You are not half a man. Don't settle for any thing less than giving yourself a chance at recapturing the wonders of a healthy intimate relationship with a real lady!!!
     
  11. midge

    midge Guest

    NV, congrats on your two weeks, bud. You're doing a good job dealing with those temptations. I know it's tough, though. Always remember that you're training yourself to make choices in freedom. The old habits don't like that idea at all, but they're beginning to learn who's boss. Keep up the good work.
     
  12. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    fcjl8, and midge, - i really appreciate the words of encouragement, fellas. it means a lot to me.

    the urges, and that inner voice diminished completely after writing that last entry. I'm trying to train myself to immediately associate the "just think about it for a minute"/"just one last time"/"let go" demons with the big picture of what happens when i follow them. I quickly play the whole thing out in my head. it leads to pure misery, and there are really no exceptions. i hardly even enjoy doing that stuff when i'm doing it.

    I really need to get back to reality. a few weeks back, a woman i dated a couple times (we still talk here and there) contacted me out of the blue that she wanted us to go to vegas together. She was in vegas on business, and i guess she was feeling lonely at the time (probably a little buzzed). Thing is, when she texted me I was in the middle of a binge. I dropped the usual excuses that i'm so busy with work right now, and maybe in a few months blah blah blah. Thing is, i'm not sure if i really want to go on a trip with her or not, but the fact that my answer was based completely on fear of failure was pretty damn discouraging. Here I am, a 40 year old single man turning down a fun weekend with a pretty girl, so that i can jack off in my stuffy apartment. Well, i dind't want to think about that, so I just got lost in my binge, then repeated it the following weekend (day before i found YBR).

    What a difference two weeks make!

    Going out with some friends tonight. Another weekend clean :)
     
  13. midge

    midge Guest

    I wish I had back all the times I chose PMO over better things--like being truly present with my family. Don't let the regrets get you down, though. They're instructive, and they're motivational. You're on a good path, NV.
     
  14. grimdark

    grimdark zombie

    This was really, so me up until i found this place. Now that I'm "back on the market" so to speak after my divorce, I've had a couple women check in on me and want to do things. One is fairly attractive, and she likes doing cool things like going to the gun range, or hiking, etc. This is someone that I'd want to foster a friendship and more with. There has been times she's called me in the evening, and I either had my dick in my hand, or was just finished and laying practically unconscious, spent and going nowhere. Or she'll say "call me this weekend, let's do something" but I'm far too busy immersed in porn to do that.

    Now that I'm in my 40's, that's one thing. But thru my life in general, i've blown off several pretty gorgeous chicks that were clearly just looking to screw, just so i could run home and spank to porn. I should have known i had a problem back then, but the way i looked at it at the time it was a self-defense mechanism. I rationalized it as "it keeps me from knocking a girl up", or "keeps me drama-free". Be that as it may to some degree, I dont know what would have happened. I may have ended up meeting the woman of my dreams and still be happily married with children. Sure, it may have kept me child/drama free but ultimately it kept me alone and depressed, and wasting my life doin the 5-knuckle shuffle in my apartment by myself.

    Also, it hindered my relationships with men too, friends in general. People want to go out, get crazy and play some pool and chase some skirts or something. "Sorry guys, not feeling well", or "busy with my fake girlfriend". Time after time of turning the guys down, they just stop calling and my friendships start to wither, again leaving me alone and depressed.

    Ever do the "fake girlfriend" thing, so people just leave you alone so you can jack off in peace? In reality, it wasnt a fake girlfriend. I had a full-time mistress, pornography, and she was an all-consuming succubus.

    mind-blowing how deep we get, that we actually replace real life experiences and relationships for this. It's kinda pathetic

    Youre at 15 days, I'm at 10 days bro. We can do this! 20 more days and i hit 30 day mark. The longest that I've ever went without smut, since i was a child. Crazy!
     
  15. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    It's almost surreal thinking about how much I have let this interfere with my real life. I have several examples I can look back on. I'm definitely trying to use them as motivation (even ammunition if necessary), and not dwell on the regret. The more I think about it, the more I know that barring some tragedy or medical issue, I could never have gone two weeks completely clean without this place, and you guys. Not only is it easier than I would have expected. I never thought it would make me feel so much more alive.
     
  16. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Grim,

    I definitely relate to so much of what you just wrote. I have had times in the past where I rubbed one out to keep me from getting with a girl I knew I'd regret, but that's different, because I was actually thinking about her when I did it, and when i got done there was a "whew" feeling. But there are also times I try to rationalize all this time lost by thinking "Well, at least I didn't end up married to/knock up the wrong woman. There's some degree of comfort in it, but in place of that, I haven't done much of anything. I hate running into people from the past asking me what I've been up to, or people I know asking why have I been single for so long. Likely some whispers that I must be gay, etc... And hell, I'd rather they think that than know what I've really been up to.

    I haven't quite done the fake girlfriend thing, but when I talk to co-workers about dating or exes, I tend to make it seem like it wasn't so long ago, and outside of work sometimes I'll tell people I was seeing a girl from work. I hate lying to people but it sure beats the truth in these instances.

    You're about to hit double digits, dude. This actually isn't that hard. We just have to stay focused and zero in on what's at stake. There's a better life out there!
     
  17. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Day 15. I think I might be in flatline territory.

    The whole flatline thing is a bit confusing to me, because everyone seems to define it differently. The only way i can describe the way I'm feeling today is "comfortably numb"

    Held off some urges on Friday, felt good yesterday, then last night while I was out, this really calm, mellow numbness set in. It's far from the top of my game high I've been feeling over the last week, but i don't really feel bad either. I have zero urges today. No sensation. I've had some version of morning/middle of the night wood last week. This morning, nothing.

    I don't know how long this is supposed to last. Posts say anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. I'm ok with that. I've read enough accounts that I know I shouldn't panic, or try to test myself. I guess (if this actually is flatline) I just ride it out and appreciate it as part of my healing process.

    Interesting feeling though.
     
  18. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Welcome to flatline.
     
  19. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    is that what it is though? I'm still not sure.

    Shortly after i wrote that, i was watching True Detective and a certain scene popped up, and to quote George Costanza, "I think it moved".

    I do feel a certain calmness though. not as drastic today as it was yesterday. When my mind tries to shift to previous fantasies, I can shift my thinking away from them with relative ease. It's like now the fantasies are hidden behind clutter and fog, and I don't feel any desire to make an effort to get around that to get to them.

    The initial natural high feeling from last 2 weeks is gone for the most part, but I'm still holding my head high, and things are feeling much easier.
     
  20. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Day 18

    Still going strong, still feel that mellowness. Probably getting a little too complacent and have to catch myself at times. In many ways I feel like I have this thing figured out, but that doesn't mean I'm cured or anywhere near being out of the woods.

    For example, I came across this image of this pretty girl yesterday, only to find out to my surprise that she's an adult film star. Now my normal immediate instinct would be to seek out her videos, which I didn't do, but the conversation began in my head.
    "Just check real quick"
    "You know better because this is how it always starts"
    "so you're telling me we can never look at at her video or porn ever again? let's be realistic"
    *re-direct*

    It wasn't too hard to refocus on something else. this whole process took less time than it did to type this out.

    My goal in this whole thing was never to quit porn, but to get rid of the ED, which is of course, caused by the porn that led me to chatrooms (which damaged me far beyond what porn alone did). One will always lead to the other, so the gate has to close. If not forever, for a very very long time (probably years). It hasn't been necessarily hard to eliminate porn from my life so far... In fact, the good feelings I have felt for the last couple weeks have made this much easier than I expected, because I didn't think quitting PMO would create so many positives. But the idea is still a bitter pill to swallow.

    Eyes on the prize
     

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