PMO, Chat, and The rise and fall of my sex life.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NewVerse, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    I was reading this article yesterday

    this guy is from the generation that grew up on the internet, so had a different experience but something he said really hit home about how the first time he ever ejaculated was to an image on a screen, and wondering how that shaped his sex life.

    I grew up pre-internet, but as a teenager, i feel like i had more access to porn than most. I worked in a video store, and my boss was cool about letting us rent porn videos even as teenagers. I had a big stack of magazines, etc... Most friends just had playboy penthouse, maybe hustler. i felt i had the good shit!

    Since 12 or so, I jerked it to pics of solo females, and thoughts of girls at school, but the first time i ever ejaculated i was 15. it was to a picture in a girl/girl magazine, I had stolen from a liquor store (I put it inside a sports magazine and bought the sports mag)

    Would be 3 years before I got a shot with a real girl. by then i only fapped to lesbo stuff, so as i said in my first post, i couldn't get it up for her, or for my first girlfriend. Part of my issue is i was super skinny and not comfortable with my body, but the bigger problem is i knew i was too into my porn videos, and as soon as i cut back on them (almost completely) i was able to perform, and enjoy sex. I basically rebooted before I knew what it was.

    It's crazy knowing how long and how deep this has hindered me. If I look at the last 10 years of my life, the pattern is the same. Still just as attracted to women, but the problem is 10 times worse. The chat thing got so deep that, I thought if i could just get back to regular porn, i'm normal again. But not only was the porn already destroying me, it always is a pathway to the chat thing that destroys me further.

    It's clear i can't "have just one drink" so to speak. No tapering, cutting back, compromising. Just a straight purge. Cheers to anyone who can watch this stuff and not get consumed by it. It's clear most of us here don't have that luxury.
  2. richardjohnharvey

    richardjohnharvey Screw it together to keep it together...

    Hi NV,

    Hope you doing well...haven't got many words of wisdom, but I've found that reading the posts here has really inspired me. It really helps when someone posts a few lines of encouragement after I've posted, people are out there who understand and share your experience. I am trying to focus on my life vision, but there have been times when I feel that I am just playing lip service to this notion, but I also find if I can tear myself away from the cynicism and come here to check in, I tap back into the belief & determination.

    I'm pretty new to this myself, despite attempting many times to stop, the cycles of shame, depression, denial...that we all share...but this really is a caring community.

    Feel the distance between the old you and the real you...
  3. midge

    midge Guest

    NV, you're on a real journey now, and I can tell you're locking in. So much of this endeavor is in the head, and you're absolutely right--we can't control what happens, but we don't have to let what happens control our thinking and our emotions. There is a world of power in that realization.

    It's interesting how often on this forum guys will mention anxiety, almost a kind of grief, about abandoning porn. I felt the same way at first. In my experience, though, the longer I am away from it, the further it recedes in my rearview mirror, the more paltry and shabby and destructive it appears, and the more absurd is the idea that I ever "grieved" about leaving it behind.
  4. Welcome to the board, NewVerse.
    Everybody has different type of fantasy and P always grab you with that specific fantasy and make you a slave.
    Your fetish L is nothing so crazy compared to other crazier fetishes.
    My thing is blowjob and P provided plenty of them and made me a slave to it.
    I got blowjob from my ex girlfriends plenty of times yet I still had to watch P and do M.
    It felt like unquenchable thirst.
    Either way, you can do it.
    Also, one thing that might help is, to avoid movies and tv shows with nudity.
    Also avoid places with too many pretty girls with too little clothes.
    (I'm having a hard time not to watch girls at gym and yoga studio but I am doing my best not to watch them)
    Anyway welcome to the good path and let us know your progress.
  5. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    FocusOnLifeVision - it's pretty humbling to know so many people here understand the feelings that go along with this. the shame, guilt, frustration, denial, depresson, just repeating themselves over and over again. It's good to have an outlet. Thanks for your kind words. particularly about feeling that distance

    midge - yeah, the anxiety took my by surprise. maybe it's the fact that i either never took quitting seriously, or never really thought about how quitting means cutting off everything. part of that anxiety came from not being at home and remembering some old files and bookmarks on my other computer i forgot to delete. some weird nostalgia set in followed by that anxiety. Those are all deleted and dead now.. no regrets there. I felt much better last night and today than I did the night before. those feelings were very minimal. Thanks for the encouragement!

    overcome_the_addiction - thanks very much! yeah, i guess we all have our thing that grabs a hold of us. i've almost never been able to enjoy a bj in my lfe, because i've had a hard time being in the moment. Something like 10 girls have tried in my lifetime. i don't know if its because the mechanics are close to masturbation in a way (like if somehow i feel like my hand should be there instead) but i've never "finished". maybe some day haha. and 34 days is awesome!
  6. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Coasting into Day 5 with relative ease, feeling pretty damn good, but must stay focused!

    I have a 3 day weekend coming up. Weekends have generally been my problem, so I'm trying to balance not really sweating it, but staying focused while keeping my eye on the prize and enjoying this momentum. I don't want to worry, but don't want to be lax either. because that as gotten me in trouble in the past. I got this though. :).

    YBOP tips, and reading journals here and posting have been great when i feel the demons lurking

    Noticing small details of how i interact with people are fascinating to me. Voice projection, eye contact, and just generally feeling more at ease with myself, and around others.

    Onward and upward! Hope everyone is having a great day
  7. grimdark

    grimdark zombie

    wow, Newverse - awesome. Revealing how you got here sounds so familiar to me, I can relate a lot to your post. I actually found out that a "woman" id been with online turned out to be a man. Talk about awkward, talk about embarassing...

    On the guilt - I'm a photoshop wiz, so one of the things i used my talents for was to create pretty much any fantasy i want, with whoever i want. If i have a picture of her, it's on. So besides a 24/7 porn obsession, i found myself, in a way, having affairs on my wife with my stand-ins. And yeah, it was wnderful at first, but talk about soul-crushing guilt, ive had those crippling and suicidal lows before and it just isnt worth it. Especially after my divorce (because of porn), i thought i was going to jump off a bridge a couple times.

    My life as i knew it, and the woman i loved (and even my dog!) are gone because of this. Dont let it stop you from even starting!!! You have your life ahead of you, man.

    Even afterward, i thought i could dabble a bit - I cant. Either youre in our youre out. Either youre going to have real sex, with a real woman, and be real happy - or your gonna be miserable and alone whacking your dick to nobody. In a chatroom, in front of a computer, whatever. Doesnt matter, youre alone and that sucks.

    Coming here helps, knowing there's a life out there helps. Turn it around, man. You can do this! I'm starting my 30 day pact to the bros here today - I will not look at porn for 30 days.
  8. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks gridmark,

    Yeah it's hard to go into to much detail because this bullshit is powerful. I never posed as a straight female, so I cant speak on the reasoning behind it, but i can say that in those lesbian chatrooms in yahoo's heyday, i can say with great certainty the majority of people in there were men posing. it was a sad, fascinating phenomenon, really. i used to try to pride myself on appearing "real", and i couldn't get into it if they were obvious, because the last thing i wanted to think about was some other loser guy just like me sitting in front of a keyboard. i'd just get caught up in the fantasy. but you could feel the despair, lonliness in that place. i'm disgusted by the whole thing and everyone involved. especially myself.

    soul-crushing guilt is right. a couple times i wrote down what i was feeling after a binge. i thought it would help to stop me before the next time it didnt really do much, i just ignored it. learning the mechanics behind this and what is going on in our brains is pretty huge.

    so is the idea of actually turning this thing around. i'm working on a list of missed opportunities over the last 8 or 9 years with real women. many of them just as attractive (if not more) than all this fantasy bullshit. opting for a night of scummy fantasy, followed by deep depression. wow.

    the dog too? that's rough (no joke, i love dogs). Sorry to hear about your marriage. It's rough, but your life is far from over!

    Dabbling never works. ever. I've been really stubborn about that too. I know the answer. We know what our problem is. We know exactly how to fix it. We just have to do it.

    You can do 30 days easy, man. Just do it.
  9. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Day 6!

    Fridays have been hands down the hardest days to not fall down that rabbit hole for me. Trying to stay busy, enjoy (real) life, and ride these good feelings.

    One thing that helping is i that i have always looked at this struggle as fighting urges, with the goal being to fend them off, when the real goal is for the urge to not be there at all, or to be so weak, i can flick it off me like a piece of lint, and go on about my day. That's where I need to be.

    I've had this weird image in my head of physically pulling/peeling this rusty grate type of thing off of my brain. like something that has been embedded in there for a long time. It's hard to explain, but it's like literally clearing my head, or cleaning up the crap that has infected it for so long. I love thinking about it.

    So far, so good!
  10. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Intense imagery NV. For me, this process has been very much akin to pulling myself out from under a rusty sewer grate. Life is much better on this side.
  11. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Makes sense for sure. Underneath all this imagery that grabs us is pure ugliness. There's nothing attractive about it. On the other side of it is the real you. Clarity.
  12. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Last Saturday vs Today

    Last Saturday, i woke up knowing I was in the middle of a binge that had started Friday Night. Feeling like my usual scumbag self when I'm in this state. With little sleep, I got up early because i had to squeeze it into the things i had to do that day, so I jumped online and got at it immediately. I secretly resented family for interrupting me, but on some level was also thankful it got me out of the house for a few hours, and i wouldn't feel like a complete waste. That morning, I avoided neighbors to the point that I didn't want to leave the house until i heard movement outside stop. The last thing i want is to have to speak to anyone extra! I ran my errands, pretended to be a normal human being with everyone for a couple hours and scurried back home to my cave and continued my chatting. When i pushed my levels as high as they could go. to where i couldn't take it anymore, i let one go so intense that it i had to cover it with my shirt so it wouldn't fly all in my face (i hate that), let the fog clear, walked to the bathroom, once again a defeated, pathetic half-man, cleaned myself up, and threw my soon-to-be-crusty shirt in the hamper. Feeling the all too familiar self-hate consume me. I felt physically weak, tired, guilty, and pathetic. Party is over for this week. the usual cussing and beating myself up as i went to my computer and deleted the phony profile i was using, praying once again this would be the last time, and knowing deep down i was powerless. It was 4pm.

    The thing is, the only reason i finished at 4pm on that Saturday was because I had things to do that night. In my half ass fighting, I purposely made plans to see a friend that night because if i didn't, i would have easily wasted my whole weekend instead of just half. Nothing worse than co-workers asking "How was your weekend?", and having to visualize how it really was while i say, "It was cool, didn't do much. just hung out". Or catching up on Facebook, and seeing all my friends post pictures from real life over their weekends. Wondering if i will ever have anything resembling a normal life again, or have sex with real females like i used to, or will i just give up and settle into being a creepy loner.

    I'm actually not sure how i found this place the next day. I think i looked up NoFap, because i had heard about it on another message board i frequent. that ultimately led me here. I spent all night last Sunday reading through YBOP and journals obsessively as if i was looking at P, or chatting. I'm not exaggerating that it might be one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time.

    Today I literally woke up with a smile, thankful for this day, and thankful for the week i just had. I haven't felt this good in a long long time. Last night, i had a normal night at home of just catching up on DVR stuff, talking to friends, cleaning up. Normal people stuff. Tonight i have plans to see some friends. Nothing epic, but i feel great. Stronger, more confident, more human. I need to keep this going.

    Have a great weekend, everyone.
  13. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Headed into Day 8!

    While I don't want to obsess too much over numbers, I believe this is the longest i've gone without M in probably 10 years. I don't want to set a concrete number goal, because i feel like that could get too tedious or discouraging. I'm rather happy riding this thing out this way, taking one day at a time, and just use the numbers as something accomplished, or where i am in the moment. if that makes any sense.

    Still a little confused about the whole flatline phenomenon and what to expect.. and the more i read, the more confused i get. I don't know if it means zero sensation, zero desire/libido, or just lack of erection. Because i was already at the point where i would require so much brain stimulation to be full staff that in some ways i've been in flatline for years.

    Anyway, still feeling great. Contrasting this week with last week like in my last post was inspiring to me. I've been in this fog for a long long time, and it feels amazing to be outside of it. Eyes on the prize.

    Happy Sunday, bros!
  14. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Isn't it amazing what one week of mindfulness can do for you? One of the best sensations is that slow lifting of the PMO fog. It's not all fun and games from here on, but whatever happens, you are in control of it.

    Keep moving forward NV.
  15. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    It's hard to even describe. Looking around my apartment is different. Looking around outside is different. Just feeling alive. I suppose i'm in kind of a honeymoon phase of clarity, but I'll take it!

    Appreciate your kind words, sonofjack
  16. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Congrats newverse,

    I read what you wrote about not setting a concrete number goal... I agree with your approach. I have used goals in the past but I do see them as a bit of a crutch and they are not really necessary. Also, if one does not make their stated goal that can be rough..

    You are making tremendous progress! Great to read you posts and comments on others journals!
  17. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks, fcjl8!

    Yeah, if i reach a certain number and look back that will be great, but i don't want to feel like a number is too far away, OR base too much on that number, or get frustrated if i hit a certain milestone, and i'm not feeling "cured" or whatever. I do think it's good to get rough ideas, but i realize we all have our own unique experiences, or levels of how deep this junk is imbedded in our brains. I won't fault anyone if that works for them though. Whatever works for any one of us to get better, i'm all for it.
  18. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Hi New Verse, read your journal, it sent a chill down my spine.
    The resentment of being disturbed by those that love you... but still being appreciative that you are being made to get out of the house.
    The hours of chat... and resolve after that it was the last time...

    Really relate to what you are saying, I don't feel an addiction to porn sites, but chat and posting images etc, in some strange adolescent way it digs deep into my psyche.

    Anyway it was really good to read how much better you feel after just a week out of it. I started tidying up my apartment and going to the gym, I was able to make eye contact with people , I was less irritable, I have got drawn back in though, hope you stay strong.
  19. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Really appreciate that, Beowulf,

    Yeah, chat's a weird thing. I guess because chat involves another person, there's a certain unpredictability factor to the fantasy that i wasn't getting from just porn. But I have to keep reminding myself that not only is it all fake, dishonest, and scumbaggish. I allowed it to have so much power over me that i literally let it ruin my life.

    What has really helped me so far (and i'll keep harping on this as long as it works) is instead of doing everything in our power to fight these urges, focus our energy on draining them of their power, with the goal being for it to not have any power over you at all. We are up against something that is relentless, and its trick always seems to be to pounce when we are at our weakest, or when we let our guard down. Once we figure out its tricks,, it becomes nothing. Also focus even so much more on life without them. I mentioned in another post that my goal before was to just get back to where i was in my 20s. Where PMO was secondary to my real sex life, but even then, it was always there waiting to pounce. It's also helped to look at this with a larger scope. Admitting to myself that they've always had a strangle hold on me since my teenage years... and in a way that's not normal, or healthy. The revelation of how just wrong i have been going about this thing has been huge.

    Keep at it man. All those little things (being able to look people in the eye, not being so irritable) they're all part of how you really are, and who you want to be. I have also found it easier to face day to day problems. I don't have that urge to run away. You have it in you to beat this. We all do.
  20. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Headed into day 11 :)

    Feeling those thoughts trying to creep in today. It's almost like they're waiting for me to get complacent to find an opening. Because of the chat thing, my triggers are a little different than some. Images of hot girls are definitely a factor, but sometimes it just might be a word or phrase I hear or think about will bring me back to a chat i had. The good part is the further i'm away from it all, the less attractive it all feels. I've been pretty good about knocking thoughts out when they try to sneak in. It's like honing a skill. I like it.

    Also, i find myself oogling at women on the street much less. I look, admire for a sec, and move on, but i don't stare like a creep. Also I look at an attractive woman as more inspiration, than anything. I felt like the more real sex got away from me, the more I'd look at an actual pretty girl as more of a fantasy than an actual option. Even the times where I knew I had a shot, or she would flirt, my deathly fear of ED relegated real women to nothing more than spank bank material. Can't wait to get back to life.

    Still feeling good though!

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