PMO, Chat, and The rise and fall of my sex life.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NewVerse, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    First off, a huge thank you to anyone who reads this, and can offer any advice or words of encouragement.

    From a young age I was drawn almost exclusively to lesbian porn. From videos to magazines, to fictional stories to real stories It was always my thing, and what got me. Other types of porn did nothing for me. I could masturbate to pictures of solo females, or thinking about having sex with real girls, but with porn was strictly girl/girl

    At 17, I tried to have sex for the first time and, I couldn’t get it up at all. At 18 I had my first girlfriend and and I couldn’t get it up for her, I could always later masturbate while thinking about having sex with her, but in person… just a wet noodle. Looking back I chalked that up to nerves and lack of confidence. I didn’t think the porn played a part. but as an 18 year old, I couldn’t understand it, and it was the worst feeling in the world.

    I finally had real sex at the age of 19. A one night stand in my car. After that, the ED thing was kind of hit and miss. Then I had a girlfriend who I was with for a couple years. We had a healthy sexual relationship at first, but after a year or so, it morphed more and more into fantasy based stuff where we were both mutually masturbating more than we were having sex. It was kind of my way of combining my fap life with real life We later broke up for other reasons, but i'm sure this didn't help.

    I had regular sex with a decent amount of women through my 20s. Sometimes one nighters… sometimes for months. One partner I had sex with regularly for around 4 years. I became more confident in myself, and ED was a thing of the past. I still watched lesbian porn and still had that strong draw to it, but definitely less than in my teenage years. Plus i knew whenever i went too heavy on porn, I found I wasn’t as ready for real sex. Having regular sex kept my porn habits in check. And since I was able to do both, I figured I had struck a good balance and had it all under control. . I was in the clear. My 20s were good.

    Then around 30ish. the internet came into my life. Literally one of the first (if not the first) things I did on the internet was delve into lesbian porn…. But the next thing I got into would ruin my life. I discovered lesbian chat rooms and found it was a way to up the stakes of my fantasies. Create a fictional female and chat with other lesbians. It was almost like a creepy video game. The rush from this was incredible and so intense I would sometimes shake from it. Over the years I would go on to create countless profiles, and delete them. I knew I was hooked. I felt like the biggest weirdo loser every time i finished. I would quit for short periods and swear off of it. Only to slip up and start again.

    The whole “balance” I thought I had in my 20s was up-ended. I went on a dry spell for a couple years. Finally that ended when I started a new relationship with a new girl. And things were going great, mainly because she wanted to hold off sex for a while. I figured a few weeks porn and fap free, I could be back to normal, but whenever we tried, I had so much trouble keeping it up that it ultimately ruined the relationship. I have been terrified to try having sex ever since. Again ED is the worst feeling in the world as a man.

    When she broke up with me, I felt rejected, but I was also so relieved. I could go back to my cave. My comfortable place. Where I could create anyone I wanted. Chat rooms were strange in that I knew that most of the “females” I was chatting with were actually just male imposters like me, but I didn’t care as long as the fantasy seemed real. I have no attraction whatsoever to men. In life I had/have zero desire to be a female. Not effeminate, not 'trapped in a man’s body’ or anything like that. Just fantasy. A total escape from reality. In time, I would up the stakes more with my chats by adding fetishistic elements. Nothing violent or illegal, but somewhat taboo power dynamic stuff. Regular chat without this added element was no longer enough.

    When yahoo discontinued their chat rooms, I couldn’t have been happier. I was hoping it would save me ,but the fantasies were too strong, so I just looked for new places to chat. and I started creating fake dating profiles. Something I had only done a couple times before then. Again, feeling I was upping the stakes because many of who i interacted with weren't just “pretenders” (though, i could tell some were). The rush from this was amazing, but the immediate shame, and guilt and just feeling like a general scumbag when coming down actually left me feeling damn near suicidal. Again I had to add fetish elements to this. Making the ups and downs that much more intense. And I hated the deception so my profiles rarely lasted for more than a day or two

    As time went on I would quit for short periods (chat but not porn). The longest ones being maybe 2 months. I would find myself feeling so good during these times. More productive. More social. More confident. But It never lasted. In an average month I would lose at least one to two weekends chatting. It got to the point where I felt like watching regular lesbian porn and not chatting counted as being “clean“. and if I could masturbate and just think about straight sex, I counted as a victory. I don't think i have never gone more than 2 weeks without masturbating.

    Over these years I found myself repeatedly avoiding real opportunities with real females. Mostly I would only date for one or two times, and find some reason to get out before it got sexual. I love the idea of meeting and getting to know someone new, but that whole flash forward of possible/probable ED is too terrifying to go through again. I know Viagra wont help. Most of the time PMO'ing, i'm not fully erect until the end. In my "other" life, i don't have to worry about these things, so it isolates me further.

    I’ve done a decent job of appearing normal to friends and family, other than the occasional “Why are you still single?“ type of thing,
    In some ways my life feels completely normal and manageable, but when I lay down at night alone, I know this addiction has ruined the last decade of my life, and I’m just so exhausted of going through this. I'm wasting my life. When i step outside myself, I'm disgusted. I think about what people in my life would think about me if they knew, and it scares me to no end. I hate this part of myself. I used to beat myself up thinking "do you want to be doing this when you're 40?" and here I am

    I just want to get back to regular sex and relationships with women, and I know that can never happen until I get this under control

    So, I’ve made a decision to really get serious about this, and I pray it’s not too late. I’m hoping I can actually re-train my brain. Going through YBOP, and hearing the reboot accounts on here have been inspiring. This is week one for me.

    So for anyone read through this, thanks for letting me get this off my chest, and please wish me luck.
     
  2. midge

    midge Guest

    NV, welcome to the site. You're in the right place. My best advice: For the time being, spend plenty of time at yourbrainonporn.com, reading and watching the vids, and learning as much as you can. And spend time here reading and posting. The early immersion here at the site and at ybop made a big difference for me, and for plenty of others. Join the conversation, commit yourself to the process, and you'll be pleased with the new you that emerges. We're glad you're here.
     
  3. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks very much, midge. That is the plan! :)
     
  4. FreeToday

    FreeToday New Member

    Welcome, and I think you'll see from reading on here that it's never too late. The brain can change at any age! You've already taken the first step.
     
  5. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks, FreeToday! Definitely encouraging to know.
     
  6. The Dude Wannabe

    The Dude Wannabe New Member

    NewVerse,
    I don't have a ton of experience to encourage you from. I'm 4 days into this thing myself. Things have gotten crazy for me too. I have a pretty attractive wife who used to be into me, and sex, but my P addiction has put both of those things on the skids. She's had enough of me being attracted to pixels rather than her. My ED has been going on for years with her, by this I mean like 2000. Oh we've still worked at it, with moderate success, but not the passion and focus on her that she deserves. Now I've gone cold turkey from P.
    We're all working without a net here, but unlike a highwire performer, if we fall we get to try again. Lets just do this thing and reprogram these brains of ours! Keep me/us posted and I'll do the same. Something better than pixels is out there for us.
     
  7. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks, TDW!

    it's crazy typing this stuff out and actually thinking about how much time has passed being destructive. But from what I'm seeing on here, this can be done. and hey, 4 days is twice as long as me, so that's a great start. Quitting in the past, I usually never made it past a week. That's the point where i'd start feeling better about myself, and develop a "wtf was i thinking?" mindset, only to backslide shortly after. I didn't stumble on this forum, or YBOP until a week ago. It's encouraging as hell knowing our situations are far from hopeless, and so many have gone through this and recovered. We can do this.
     
  8. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    You know, the above quote could be from any one of dozens of guys here. We all feel like we are in this alone, this secrecy, and can't believe we have got to this place in our lives. Write it out, get the secrecy and shame out of your head so that you can get rid of it. You can make this chang.
     
  9. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    All so true, Caoimhín. Up until a couple of days ago, i had no idea this place existed. I have a couple of friends in AA, and NA. I have fortunately never let alcohol or drugs take me over. And my friends tell me how lucky I am for that reason. They assume I have no understanding of their disease or addiction, and I have to just nod and agree. In some ways they're right, but I can't even be open with them about how on another level, not only do I understand more than they know, but I have no meetings i can attend, nor could I even tell anyone about my problem.

    Needless to say, I'm pretty happy I found this place.
    Congrats on your success so far, man. I definitely hope to get there.
     
  10. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    It's probably fair to say that alcohol and drug addiction are socially received ideas (not socially acceptable perhaps?). Masturbation, despite the sexual abundance of our western society, still is reserved for the dark edges of town. Even a sexual addict can at least claim that "they are getting some", while porn and masturbation addicts are just wankers.
     
  11. stretcher

    stretcher New Member

    Welcome to the asylum, NV. 8)
     
  12. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    stretcher.. haha thanks!

    Caoimhín. dead on about how this is looked at, and i can't say i blame people who do because when i step outside myself, i look at down on myself in the same way, like really?? THIS is your issue? at one point, I briefly thought about attending sex-addict meetings. i thought i might be able to get some ideas or insight, but then i figured i'd have to wind up lying about what my real problem was. This is something we all do anonymously, it only makes sense the support operates the same way. I wouldn't expect understanding outside of this fourum, nor would i seek any. I just want to get better.
     
  13. midge

    midge Guest

    Two days down, NV. Well done. On you go!
     
  14. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Thanks Midge! 247/47 is amazing! I hope to do numbers like that.

    about to hit 3 days officially now. This is by no means, uncharted territory. I've gone a week plenty of times without thinking about it. Mainly due to being busy, and things like that. The thing is, I have always felt great during those weeks. The difference now, is being here and YBOP gives me a greater understanding of why. Before that, I didn't know much beyond. "I feel shitty because i jerk off too much". I'm loving the idea of re-traning my brain.

    at my worst a couple years back I was going 3-4 times a day and i was constantly miserable. I figured if i could get to once a day, or every other day, everything would just fall into place. But i know my problem is much deeper than that, and calls for real changes, instead of half-assed tapering.

    Plus I have never documented my streaks of being clean, so i should note that i feel great today. I felt great when i woke up this morning. I feel it in the way i interact with people. So much more sure of myself. I feel like a human being, and more like the version of myself I love best.

    Actually looking forward to all these rough patches everyone talks about, because I'll know it's a sign of progress. Bring it on!

    Wishing you all the best today. Let's keep doing this.
     
  15. midge

    midge Guest

    That's a great report, NV. I'm happy for you. When I came here, the simple idea of being conscious of what I was doing and, after I stopped, noticing the same kinds of changes that you report, was a revelation and a huge motivator. Yes, you'll have rough patches, but if you keep the goal in mind and remember the positive changes in your outlook, even this early in the game, you'll want to keep plugging. This forum works wonders--simply being able to discuss it with other men is motivational.

    One simple thing I can recommend that helped me--your mileage may vary--is to think of this endeavor not in terms of a battle, but in terms of learning to make choices in freedom. All the metaphorical language about battling and fighting the addiction can be wearying. But I can get really excited about training myself to live with more freedom. That may or may not be helpful to you, but for me it was a useful way of framing it.

    Carry on, bud.
     
  16. Cosmo

    Cosmo These porn pretzels are making me thirsty!

    That's the real you, NV. The rest of this crap running through your brain urging you to look at porn and act out is an old, tired story. You're starting a new chapter now. Keep at it!
     
  17. HarryPalm

    HarryPalm New Member

    Good vibes to you, NewVerse. I'm a junkie for the lesbian stuff too and have a pretty unusual habit that I plan on confessing soon.
     
  18. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    @midge - thanks, that is great advice, and i know exactly what you mean on the battling/fighting and framing this in a way that makes things harder than they have to be. last night i had some pretty bad anxiety at the thought of abandoning something that has been with me for so long "wait, i'm never gonna watch this video again??". what i would normally do in quitting phases is to is just think of negative effects. last night i had to do that quickly, but then shift to the thought of getting my life back, and the opportunities with females that i missed/gave up strictly out of fear of ED. I would have a good vibe going with a female, but in my head know, "well, too bad this will never happen". it's been so long since i've had real sex that i forget it hasn't always been this way. Screw some video, or chat. none of it is real (not only that but its guaranteed to make me miserable) . I want the real thing again.

    I'm trying to strike a balance of being vigilant, and optimistic. the ability to shift your mindset about something seems in some ways, really simple. it's like controlling how you react to things in life. we can't control what happens, but the reaction is always up to us. i've been trying to do this more lately, but now applying it to this journey. it's like tapping into a power you didn't know you had. pretty exciting stuff. but at the same time i don't want to be lax about things either. this thing has had a hold of me for a loooong time. it won't just die easily. i know this

    @Cosmo Kramer - this is the truth! we have so much more potential than we give ourselves credit for. old tried story indeed

    @Harry P (awesome name haha) - yeah, it's been a long road with the L stuff. i kept having to add new things to be into it. my first post was long as it is, i didn't want to start getting too heavily into detail haha

    Coasting into Day 4 clean. Let's make this a great day everyone!!
     
  19. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Welcome to the community NV. You'll learn a lot about yourself on here.
     
  20. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    Appreciate that, sonofJack.. thanks!

    I feel like i have learned so much in these first couple days. Even just typing out a long first post that was just a short version of my story is surreal, and sobering. I actually used that last night to keep focused when i felt off track.

    reading your first journal entry, the "that's where things started to get away from me" part really hit home.
    starting to recognize patterns, but realizing how far this goes back. it's all a trip

    NV
     

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