First off, a huge thank you to anyone who reads this, and can offer any advice or words of encouragement. From a young age I was drawn almost exclusively to lesbian porn. From videos to magazines, to fictional stories to real stories It was always my thing, and what got me. Other types of porn did nothing for me. I could masturbate to pictures of solo females, or thinking about having sex with real girls, but with porn was strictly girl/girl At 17, I tried to have sex for the first time and, I couldn’t get it up at all. At 18 I had my first girlfriend and and I couldn’t get it up for her, I could always later masturbate while thinking about having sex with her, but in person… just a wet noodle. Looking back I chalked that up to nerves and lack of confidence. I didn’t think the porn played a part. but as an 18 year old, I couldn’t understand it, and it was the worst feeling in the world. I finally had real sex at the age of 19. A one night stand in my car. After that, the ED thing was kind of hit and miss. Then I had a girlfriend who I was with for a couple years. We had a healthy sexual relationship at first, but after a year or so, it morphed more and more into fantasy based stuff where we were both mutually masturbating more than we were having sex. It was kind of my way of combining my fap life with real life We later broke up for other reasons, but i'm sure this didn't help. I had regular sex with a decent amount of women through my 20s. Sometimes one nighters… sometimes for months. One partner I had sex with regularly for around 4 years. I became more confident in myself, and ED was a thing of the past. I still watched lesbian porn and still had that strong draw to it, but definitely less than in my teenage years. Plus i knew whenever i went too heavy on porn, I found I wasn’t as ready for real sex. Having regular sex kept my porn habits in check. And since I was able to do both, I figured I had struck a good balance and had it all under control. . I was in the clear. My 20s were good. Then around 30ish. the internet came into my life. Literally one of the first (if not the first) things I did on the internet was delve into lesbian porn…. But the next thing I got into would ruin my life. I discovered lesbian chat rooms and found it was a way to up the stakes of my fantasies. Create a fictional female and chat with other lesbians. It was almost like a creepy video game. The rush from this was incredible and so intense I would sometimes shake from it. Over the years I would go on to create countless profiles, and delete them. I knew I was hooked. I felt like the biggest weirdo loser every time i finished. I would quit for short periods and swear off of it. Only to slip up and start again. The whole “balance” I thought I had in my 20s was up-ended. I went on a dry spell for a couple years. Finally that ended when I started a new relationship with a new girl. And things were going great, mainly because she wanted to hold off sex for a while. I figured a few weeks porn and fap free, I could be back to normal, but whenever we tried, I had so much trouble keeping it up that it ultimately ruined the relationship. I have been terrified to try having sex ever since. Again ED is the worst feeling in the world as a man. When she broke up with me, I felt rejected, but I was also so relieved. I could go back to my cave. My comfortable place. Where I could create anyone I wanted. Chat rooms were strange in that I knew that most of the “females” I was chatting with were actually just male imposters like me, but I didn’t care as long as the fantasy seemed real. I have no attraction whatsoever to men. In life I had/have zero desire to be a female. Not effeminate, not 'trapped in a man’s body’ or anything like that. Just fantasy. A total escape from reality. In time, I would up the stakes more with my chats by adding fetishistic elements. Nothing violent or illegal, but somewhat taboo power dynamic stuff. Regular chat without this added element was no longer enough. When yahoo discontinued their chat rooms, I couldn’t have been happier. I was hoping it would save me ,but the fantasies were too strong, so I just looked for new places to chat. and I started creating fake dating profiles. Something I had only done a couple times before then. Again, feeling I was upping the stakes because many of who i interacted with weren't just “pretenders” (though, i could tell some were). The rush from this was amazing, but the immediate shame, and guilt and just feeling like a general scumbag when coming down actually left me feeling damn near suicidal. Again I had to add fetish elements to this. Making the ups and downs that much more intense. And I hated the deception so my profiles rarely lasted for more than a day or two As time went on I would quit for short periods (chat but not porn). The longest ones being maybe 2 months. I would find myself feeling so good during these times. More productive. More social. More confident. But It never lasted. In an average month I would lose at least one to two weekends chatting. It got to the point where I felt like watching regular lesbian porn and not chatting counted as being “clean“. and if I could masturbate and just think about straight sex, I counted as a victory. I don't think i have never gone more than 2 weeks without masturbating. Over these years I found myself repeatedly avoiding real opportunities with real females. Mostly I would only date for one or two times, and find some reason to get out before it got sexual. I love the idea of meeting and getting to know someone new, but that whole flash forward of possible/probable ED is too terrifying to go through again. I know Viagra wont help. Most of the time PMO'ing, i'm not fully erect until the end. In my "other" life, i don't have to worry about these things, so it isolates me further. I’ve done a decent job of appearing normal to friends and family, other than the occasional “Why are you still single?“ type of thing, In some ways my life feels completely normal and manageable, but when I lay down at night alone, I know this addiction has ruined the last decade of my life, and I’m just so exhausted of going through this. I'm wasting my life. When i step outside myself, I'm disgusted. I think about what people in my life would think about me if they knew, and it scares me to no end. I hate this part of myself. I used to beat myself up thinking "do you want to be doing this when you're 40?" and here I am I just want to get back to regular sex and relationships with women, and I know that can never happen until I get this under control So, I’ve made a decision to really get serious about this, and I pray it’s not too late. I’m hoping I can actually re-train my brain. Going through YBOP, and hearing the reboot accounts on here have been inspiring. This is week one for me. So for anyone read through this, thanks for letting me get this off my chest, and please wish me luck.