Please help, my marriage is in real danger

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Nick Dills, Jan 1, 2022.

  1. Nick Dills

    Nick Dills New Member

    I am on the verge of losing my wife and really destroying what has and could have been a great relationship. We have been married 15 years, today actually. Last night we went to dinner and I confessed to her that I had relapsed into porn use over the last few months. On top of other recent issues we have had, she is livid, and rightfully so as I have lied to her repeatedly on this matter. I am going to reboot but I need help and guidance, perhaps some accountability. I have been going to counselling weekly for a month so far, but I don't think that will be enough for a permanent fix to this. I have really put my foot in it. I've been researching and have joined a couple of site like this one, but I have no idea how to get started and so I am asking for advice from anyone here on the forum, perhaps some kind of 'accountability buddy' or something like that. I am dying here, she is gone out with friends and left me on out anniversary. It's a mess. We have three kids. I shed tears in front of her last night, wtf! Please help! Any advice would be welcome.
     
  2. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    You are in a bad place man. You have even went to counseling. Your intentions are good. You said counseling won’t be a permanent fix. I know people (my mom, or me) who could have gone to counseling with no real results. I think a lot of us are in the edge from slipping. You talked about a permanent fix and for me I have to take it by the hour. I TRY to not even entertain the thoughts. Does your wife still love you?
     
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear this @Nick Dills . I hope you can pull through this awful low period. I can suggest starting by checking out yourbrainonporn and reforged man. Keep researching, finding out what has worked for others, trying different things until you see some breakthrough, keep at it. Also load some content filters / blockers / accountability software - you need something to break you out of the "muscle memory" habit of searching for smut. Strength to you for your journey. I'm by no means an expert but happy to try to answer specific questions.
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This guy is probably not coming back, but I thought I would add to the thread in case someone else finds themselves in a similar predicament.

    My opinion is we should never confess our P use. The burden lies with us to clean up our lives, not with our partners. This forum is the place to confess all. More good is done by us writing our thoughts down than by us telling our partner. If my wife came to me today and said "I'm really struggling with porn," I would immediately feel like my cock was not up to standard. You've got a porn problem? Own up to it in your own mind and then take steps to get sober.
     
    realness, Mack and niskanen91 like this.
  5. realness

    realness Active Member

    Hey @Saville , I agree that we should not confess all to our partners. Can you share your reasoning and thoughts as to why? I think it's worthy of a subject and discussion all its own. It's a predicament many struggle with.

    I had lunch with a buddy a few weeks back and we covered this. He was newly married, his PMO was exposed to some degree, and entered counseling with his wife with a male counselor. The counselor was a Sexual Addiction specialist, and pushed my buddy into doing a written "full disclosure", where he was asked to detail all of his fantasy, porn use, MO, etc. This is apparently standard procedure in some circles of SA counseling. I totally disagree with that. So for my buddy, it didn't help much as his wife was left even further betrayed and confused. The opposite of what I guess is the intention to disclose all in order to clear the plate and establish a fresh start in building trust. My friend admitted that the trauma of it all and the reaction of his spouse made him unwilling to confess his next relapse (which was one of her requests going forward in the marriage). Maybe I could see the case for a full disclosure regarding physical affairs but not in the case of PMO.
     
  6. StarWarsFan

    StarWarsFan New Member

    I would be curious to know @Saville reasoning also, and discuss. In my case, I shared my PMO issue with her mainly because she thought my ED was related to my aging (only 48) and changing hormones. I didn't think it was, so told her that I was doing it way more often than she realized (she even asked how I was able to time-wise without her knowing about it). However, I did not disclose all of the details such as genres, fantasies, exactly how often, etc. I don't think she needs to know all that and she didn't ask.
     

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