Please help, my marriage is in real danger

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Nick Dills, Jan 1, 2022.

  1. Nick Dills

    Nick Dills New Member

    I am on the verge of losing my wife and really destroying what has and could have been a great relationship. We have been married 15 years, today actually. Last night we went to dinner and I confessed to her that I had relapsed into porn use over the last few months. On top of other recent issues we have had, she is livid, and rightfully so as I have lied to her repeatedly on this matter. I am going to reboot but I need help and guidance, perhaps some accountability. I have been going to counselling weekly for a month so far, but I don't think that will be enough for a permanent fix to this. I have really put my foot in it. I've been researching and have joined a couple of site like this one, but I have no idea how to get started and so I am asking for advice from anyone here on the forum, perhaps some kind of 'accountability buddy' or something like that. I am dying here, she is gone out with friends and left me on out anniversary. It's a mess. We have three kids. I shed tears in front of her last night, wtf! Please help! Any advice would be welcome.
  2. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    You are in a bad place man. You have even went to counseling. Your intentions are good. You said counseling won’t be a permanent fix. I know people (my mom, or me) who could have gone to counseling with no real results. I think a lot of us are in the edge from slipping. You talked about a permanent fix and for me I have to take it by the hour. I TRY to not even entertain the thoughts. Does your wife still love you?
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear this @Nick Dills . I hope you can pull through this awful low period. I can suggest starting by checking out yourbrainonporn and reforged man. Keep researching, finding out what has worked for others, trying different things until you see some breakthrough, keep at it. Also load some content filters / blockers / accountability software - you need something to break you out of the "muscle memory" habit of searching for smut. Strength to you for your journey. I'm by no means an expert but happy to try to answer specific questions.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This guy is probably not coming back, but I thought I would add to the thread in case someone else finds themselves in a similar predicament.

    My opinion is we should never confess our P use. The burden lies with us to clean up our lives, not with our partners. This forum is the place to confess all. More good is done by us writing our thoughts down than by us telling our partner. If my wife came to me today and said "I'm really struggling with porn," I would immediately feel like my cock was not up to standard. You've got a porn problem? Own up to it in your own mind and then take steps to get sober.
    realness, Mack and niskanen91 like this.
  5. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Hey @Saville , I agree that we should not confess all to our partners. Can you share your reasoning and thoughts as to why? I think it's worthy of a subject and discussion all its own. It's a predicament many struggle with.

    I had lunch with a buddy a few weeks back and we covered this. He was newly married, his PMO was exposed to some degree, and entered counseling with his wife with a male counselor. The counselor was a Sexual Addiction specialist, and pushed my buddy into doing a written "full disclosure", where he was asked to detail all of his fantasy, porn use, MO, etc. This is apparently standard procedure in some circles of SA counseling. I totally disagree with that. So for my buddy, it didn't help much as his wife was left even further betrayed and confused. The opposite of what I guess is the intention to disclose all in order to clear the plate and establish a fresh start in building trust. My friend admitted that the trauma of it all and the reaction of his spouse made him unwilling to confess his next relapse (which was one of her requests going forward in the marriage). Maybe I could see the case for a full disclosure regarding physical affairs but not in the case of PMO.
  6. StarWarsFan

    StarWarsFan Member

    I would be curious to know @Saville reasoning also, and discuss. In my case, I shared my PMO issue with her mainly because she thought my ED was related to my aging (only 48) and changing hormones. I didn't think it was, so told her that I was doing it way more often than she realized (she even asked how I was able to time-wise without her knowing about it). However, I did not disclose all of the details such as genres, fantasies, exactly how often, etc. I don't think she needs to know all that and she didn't ask.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The world we live in now is an open confessional. It has become the norm to post things on social media about our past failings, our depression, our divorces, the slivers we get in our fingers, our pets that have to be euthanized, etc. If I was a cop collecting evidence against someone it is all a treasure trove of information and indictment. And this is the problem. When we tell someone something, we have created evidence. Maybe this evidence is benign, but what if it's not? In the case of P it creates a measuring stick by which all future deeds are seen.

    Also, why should our partner be our father confessor? Is she/he a priest, a person able to absolve us of our guilt and sin? Any relationship where the guy is delving into P in a big way is a relationship that has problems. And, guess what, the problem isn't just P. Yes, P is addictive, but there is also a host of other issues that led us to pixelated entertainment. If we tell our partner that we have a P addiction that doesn't solve any of the other things that are going on inside our heads or with the relationship.

    Reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy," was revolutionary for me. I realized that I was bowing down to the great matriarch and had lost an integral part of what makes me a man. Telling your partner that you are weak and addicted feeds into how we think about ourselves. Now we are the naughty boy, the boy who let the matriarch down...again. This further defeats our spirit and powers us down. So, instead of getting the "great" release from our confession, we fulfill the prophecy that we are, indeed, "not worthy."

    Upon confession, our P problem now becomes our partner's problem. The woman unconsciously does one of two things. She becomes more dominant and then decides what our recovery will look like or she retreats into a shell, which makes us want to please her. In both cases we lose our agency as men. We become subject to their reactions, which will make us anxious and stress us out, which will lead us right back to P.

    I understand the desire to confess. It feels like we wipe the slate clean. However, what we're really doing is heaping shit upon that slate. In our addled brain, the one that is still yearning for P, it makes sense, but that is hardly the brain you want to use when making big decisions. It takes up to 2 years for our brains to become "normal." Once a man has given up P for a good long time he will no longer feel like telling his partner about his addiction, because his life will feel, and be, vastly different.

    Ditto goes for if you've ever cheated on your wife. If you've stopped, and she never found out about it, then why tell her? I had to tell-all when I cheated because I got caught. But, even still I was circumspect about what things I divulged.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I told my wife about my P struggles before we were married. Even then it was a shock and hurtful and confusing for her. But I'm glad I did it. The genie is out the bottle. So we can now have frank conversations about it. It also helped me to understand her better, by pondering just why my P use would be so hurtful to her.

    Since then she still "caught" me a couple of times - devastating all over again. I thought, why didn't I just tell her in advance I was battling with this?

    Now, going for 15 years in marriage, I continue to tell my wife about my P use because we are partners in all our struggles. I appreciate being able to tell her, "Babe, I know you are going through some stuff right now and we can't have sex tonight, but I am experiencing urges, so just so you know, I could use some prayer and support right now. I have a plan for dealing with the urges but back me up." It brings her into the picture of where I'm at. Sometimes the schedule for sex gets moved up in response to that. Sometimes she has helped me with an HJ or quickie. Sometimes it's led to her confessing to me what she is struggling with and I can help her in turn. This type of marriage is powerful. Not easy, but strong.

    But still, I never told all. I did not go into detail. She doesn't need to know about every dirty thought I've had, or image I've looked at. She does not know the extent to which this has been a struggle in my life. I do think this would be more hurtful to her. I think this is acceptable as long as I am objectively taking ground against the addiction, which I am. She does not need to know about my fetish(es). She knows enough about what I like legitimately, without going down that road.

    When I communicate it's as a man, not as a doormat or with grovelling. I have a plan and I'm acting on it for better outcomes. I am not looking for her to "mother" me or take the lead. This applies to all aspects of life together.

    I would take it on a case-by-case basis as to whether a husband tells his wife or not.

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