Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Bilbo Baggins, Aug 9, 2020.
Positive news is great to hear brother!
It's nice to see how you can compare the improvements you are experiencing to the state you were in in the past. Healing and recovering is also a mental process, I feel, meaning that we have to say goodbye to some illusions we have or had about sex. Namely being rock-hard all the time or that erections won't fade anymore and stuff like that. It just isn't the case as we are not machines and sometimes, if we are in our heads too much and can't relax fully, things like that may even happen more likely. You've come a long way and made more than decent progress and, I think, with repeated 'success' will come more relaxation which will manifest in sexual health and more confidence in the bedroom.
Great news, Bilbo! You are another example of never giving up hope.
Thanks, Pete. As always, your words are much appreciated.
Thanks Luke. Nice to have you back on the forum.
Thanks man. Hope you are well too.
Congrats Man, you deserve it. So, then you are having so progress. I have read some posts of you where you were a bit sad of not being healed yet, but I think that you are doing so well and being able of having sex is very good notice.
congratulations on your progress so far. You are really well informed and serious to leave behind this devastating problem. I really enjoy your posts and can sense a success story in the making here. Keep going!
Thanks, really appreciated. It’s a long process, but things really improve with time, even if we don’t notice it in our day-to-day life. It takes many many months for some guys, but it seems it works. We have to be patient.
Seems to me the forum has been pretty quiet lately...
Had an appointment for a penile Doppler today. As I expected, the results were fine, I don’t have venous leak, and the blood circulates well. Actually, things have improved, according to the urologist. I saw him for the same test in 2011 (in those days, my ED was much worse), and there was a big difference between my left and right vein (30 cm/s and 60 cm/s) back then. Today, the test showed that the flow was 40 cm/s in the left vein and 45 cm/s in the right. The urologist said it was probably Viagra, which I have used for 3 years, that contributed to things evening out between the two veins. Anyway, no big deal, there’s no blood flow issues, that’s what matters.
I had to masturbate for a few minutes. After he injected a vasodilator agent in my dick, I started having a semi, then he left the room and asked me to masturbate so I could get fully hard. I haven’t masturbated in 10 months (today is day 300 actually), I had almost forgotten how it feels. But it was funny, actually, because I did not want to do a real session of masturbation, I mean, he doesn’t need me to be fully hard to see what’s going on in there, so I just stroked my dick slowly while thinking of taxes, counting numbers in my head. Then he came back, I was pretty hard, though not fully, obviously, and he asked me if it was always like that. It’s clear he didn’t really understand what was going on with me, he is an old-timer, but he looked professional and answered all my questions. And that was it.
As for sex, things are working pretty much the same than what I described in my last posts. I am functional most of the time, I can have decent sex. I don’t need direct stimulation on my dick to stay hard, because touching and kissing my girlfriend gives me a decent erection, and it’s usually enough to make love without great difficulty. Sometimes the erection fades, mostly when we switch position, or if I lick my girlfriend, but I believe this can happen with normal men, at least to a certain degree. Last time we had sex, I went a bit soft inside of her at some point, and I felt the orgasm coming, that was weird. So I ejaculated with my dick being not fully hard. It’s the only irregularity that happened recently, so it’s no big deal. I might start a topic on locked erections, seems like a complicated issue. On one hand, I often hear that it’s normal to not be hard all the time when having sex, but I have also read posts from guys here who say they can have a locked erection, that never fades. I might be overthink this, though, and it’s not really something that’s on my mind. I’m just curious to know what we can expect regarding erections when we’re cured.
I’d like to add that my improvements have an impact on my sex life. My girlfriend has enjoyed each of our last sessions, and me too. I only used Viagra once, but I had sex 5-6 times without it, and it worked just fine, like what I described earlier. Sex is getting more natural, even playful. Also, my girlfriend has initiated sex a few times, and I’m happy about that. She wouldn’t do it often in the past, but now, since things are going better, she’s more often in the mood, to a point where she wants to initiate sex. That’s great, I am happy about that.
I still feel that my libido is a little weak, I mean, I am excited enough to keep an erection, but I don’t become extremely excited during sex. So, basically, I’d say I am pretty much functional. Sex is relatively fun, but it’s not amazing yet. Still, those are good news.
Finally, it seems I am generally feeling better on a daily basis. Sleep is still an issue, but I don’t have severe insomnia, I get good nights pretty regularly. But emotionally, it seems I am more stable. Less despair, less fatigue, less overthinking... I try to think less, to worry less, and to go with the flow. It’s not natural for me to do that, especially regarding ED and sex, but I try to do it, and it works. That way I am more relaxed, I feel neutral emotionally. Instead of feeling despair when I have insomnia and I think of my reboot, nowadays I don’t think too much, so I am in a somewhat empty emotional space, kinda neutral. Man, I had dark months not so long ago... These days are over, even if I’m still not exactly a happy man. But it seems my emotions have evened out a little. Life is less painful.
So, cheers to 300 days. I will continue to just go with the flow. We’ll see where that leads me.
Good thing that you got checked physically, without any problem. Does your urologist know anything about the whole PIED theory? What exactly did he say about your erection?
You really seem on the way to recovery. I know because I was like you some years ago, but I relapsed and PIED came back.
good for you. good to hear everything is ok on the physical side. i guess it takes varying amount of time for different people to rewire. i have just gone over 3 mos and thought i would be good to go after the magical 90 days. not. still PIED. I also sometimes "glance" at some soft porn on youtube. i believe this is innocent. hey i'm not watching the hard porn sites i used to visit and MO to. that is my rationalization. and my sick mind making excuses. it is still edging none the less. i need to get that through my thick dirty mind. in porn it is not the destination, it is the journey. for me, once i have O'd, i feel like i shit. lower than slime. it is getting there, the edging, that gives me the dopamine rush. i am working on it. i open up youtube with what i know ahead of time i am going to watch. usually piano or music tutorial. hang in there my brother and thanks for the help.
Hey many congrats on beating the 300 day mark. I'm glad to hear that sex is getting better with your partner.
Hmm yeah I think this is quite normal and happens to many people.
I think we may, at times, idealize what the perfect erection during sexual intercourse should be.
Finally, I've also had some issues with orgasming when kind of not fully hard. That freaked me out. It was during relapses, so during PMO (not sex). I think it happened a few times when I had been hardmode for quite some time and then BINGE relapsed. Thought it freaked me out, I told myself it may be the extreme sudden change for my body from full monk abstinence to a bad edge binge.
Though I think even this, Oing with a semi-hard (or even soft) does happen (at least from what I've read online on it). It's not ideal... But as long as it's the exception you know ...
Anyways I think you're doing great man and I wish you to keep going.
Thanks man. It’s not actually my urologist, he’s just a specialist I’ve seen for the Doppler. He doesn’t seem to know shit about the effects of porn on libido, he never mentioned anything about it. Ten years ago, he told me I had performance anxiety. This time, he said nothing. But it’s okay, I didn’t want his opinion, I just wanted him to do the Doppler.
Thanks man, keep it up too.
Thanks a lot, man. Yeah, I’m not worried about it. That happened very often in the past, I mean, when you have ED, the erection sometimes goes away even if you’re close to orgasm. It doesn’t happen often these days, so it’s no big deal. Actually, I feel very grateful for being able to have decent sex right now, it’s already pretty satisfying as it is. It’s nice to be looking forward to having sex without relying on ED pills. That’s new for me.
Figured I’d drop by to write a thing or two. Nothing new on the PIED side, but there seems to be a change in my emotional state. I feel more stable, less affected by everything. I’m not out of the woods, I mean, feeling okay for one week doesn’t mean that much. But it seems that I’m feeling better and better as the months go by. I still have bad days, of course, and still have unsolved issues that bother me. But I’m definitely in a much better spot than I was.
I mentioned before that I had a very shitty and dark period before my reboot and in the first months of my reboot. In those days, I was at a very low point, I was pretty much feeling like shit 24/7. Terrible sleep, constant and acute despair... I used to have shivers of horror many times a day, just thinking of my life, the state of my libido, my relationship... All of this has improved in the last year. I feel grateful about that. I’m not yet where I’d like to be, but I don’t feel miserable anymore. Things don’t hurt me like they did. I feel somewhat human again, instead of having the constant impression that there’s no flesh on my bones and that everything reaches at me directly.
One thing I’m just starting to realize is that when you’ve been feeling this way for a long time, you come to a point where you don’t see any variations in your state. You always feel shitty, regardless of the sleep you get, the alcohol you drink, the exercise you do. People say, oh, I went running today, I felt so good afterwards. You don’t understand that, because it doesn’t make you feel good. A good night of sleep doesn’t make you feel any better. I’ve stuffed myself with sleeping pills and alcohol so many times in the last years, without even noticing any variations in my state. Recently, I’ve changed a few things regarding my sleep hygiene, and it’s paying off. I still have bad nights, but not as often as before, and mainly, I don’t feel like crap now when I can’t sleep. I used to feel very desperate in those moments before. In the last weeks, this has improved. I’m also starting to feel in my body the difference between a good night of sleep and a night during which I used sleeping pills with a glass or two of alcohol. Basic stuff, I know. But as I said, you don’t notice those variations when you feel like crap all the time. I guess that gives me a glimpse of what it is to be healthy and to be in peace with yourself. This healthiness and this peace seem to be something that you have to preserve. Yeah, you hear about this all the time, in magazines and TV shows, but it’s another thing when you start experiencing it in your own life. Completely new for me. I’ve never been in peace with myself, I’ve always been this hyperemotional guy who’s hurt all the time, like he was seriously wounded. I don’t know. I feel that this might be changing now. I don’t think it’s all in my head. Life doesn’t feel like an ordeal, like a dead end, not as much as before, anyway. Life is still a complicated thing, it can be a boring thing pretty often, and there are things in life that are very shitty, that’s certain... It just doesn’t feel as overwhelming as before. Let’s see if those feelings can last a little.
Oh, one last thing. I’m reading The Hobbit right now. Damn... I read that book when I was 16, and even though I liked it at the time, I got into other stuff later on and didn’t really think of it much until now. But I think I’ve been called Bilbo more often than my real name in the last months, so I figured I’d dive into the book again. Bilbo definitely had great adventures, no doubt about that.
Great to hear that you're making progress and that it seems to be slow and constant progress. I think that's the best one, the one that can count and remain (or at least the one we learn to go back to).
The times you describe before your recovery and at the beginning of it sound really tough. It's great you pulled through that.
Yeah, you really say it well here... !
Lol. Well not sure about the alcohol being something that's supposed to make you feel better as a habit Unless you're from the same genes as Bukowski and the Dude from the Big Lebowski.
I can relate so much to what you wrote. Especially to the no flesh on the bones part. It's a shitty hotbed for recovery when a single weird gaze of someone else has the power to ruin your whole week... So, it's a great accomplishment of you having recovered from depression and feeling sort of well again.
I think it's also noteworthy what you wrote about making experiences first-hand and self-efficacy. You now know and felt first-hand that you have the power to change your wellbeing to the better (or worse). And having come back from a depression, this will give you hope, should the tides turn again at some point. This is something that gives me a lot of confidence regarding my own wellbeing. Because I know that the state of mind is ever-changing. It would be foolish to assume (and I'm not saying that you do), once you are feeling well again, that this is a given for the rest of your life. The ingredients for depression will be always inside your mind or brain or wherever they are stored . All the more reason to keep a close look on maintenance.
Depression is one of those things people can only fully understand if they have experienced it their own, I feel. Being devoid of most emotions but sadness, anxiety and apathy, not being able to function properly anymore, it's just a cruel day-to-day experience. And once the lights are turned back on in your head, you only realize in what darkness you have existed, it's unbelievable.
There is only tip I can give and it is to make yourself aware what (in-)directly fosters your depression. Whenever you feel the urge to do something which is bad for you, have a little self-talk about the consequences. For me, for instance, it's mainly using porn. I mean, there are many things that would hurt me like shooting heroin, or sleeping on train tracks, but I'm not gonna do that obviously. But in my weird biography, avoiding porn has become the foundation of my wellbeing. Metaphorically speaking, the house I'm living in, is built onto that. If I decided to destroy the foundation everything would come crashing down. I know it, I have felt it first-hand. It's like being a character in a game, you know, these rules only apply to the character I'm playing. My firemage is not built to fight in ice worlds . Yes, it's super unfair that some people may be able to watch porn leisurely but for me it has dire consequences. Howling to the moon might be the most logical thing to do, but making myself aware of these rules, not entering creepy ice caves is the best thing I can do, once urges hit.
It's kinda funny being oneself. The horror our 15- year-old selfs would have felt, had they had a glimpse at the future, ha! Then again, it's really not that bad, being a firemage has its perks... sometimes!
Have a nice weekend!
Haha, actually I meant that I felt equally shitty, regardless of if I drank or not the night before... A day or two of abstinence of alcohol wouldn’t have any noticeable impact on my mood, that’s what I meant.
Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it.
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