PIED update during reboot

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Bilbo Baggins, Aug 9, 2020.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    First of all, I want to thank you to share your story and congratulate you because I think it is a very if not the most important puzzle piece of your ongoing recovery.

    I can relate a lot to what you wrote. When I was 19 years old, I had a girlfriend who, to make it worse, cheated on me with one of my best friends from back then. It went for one month until another friend who got wind of it told me of it.

    The fact that your girl cheats on you is cruel on its own. But if you throw (PI)ED in the mix, you got a disaster of epic proportions. Because you start to blame yourself and your ED (which basically points back at you and your inability to "man up"). And this is like death sentence. The ultimate feeling of being impotent. Welcome to the suck...

    From a pragmatic perspective, the problem you are facing is also twofold. On the one hand, you are facing PIED which you are actively recovering from while on the other hand the pressure to perform is immense. For everyone recovering from any kind of ED, the performance anxiety will be present and strong but in your case, the way you describe it, it's like someone is pointing a gun at your face while shouting at you to get an erection or the trigger will be pulled.

    I once read that it would be helpful if people moved away from the idea that men are boner dispensers who are willing to fuck any thing or being who identifies as a woman the very second the situation presents itself to them. Because that's what media and the world wants everybody to believe. You see it everywhere. How many times do you see people on the forums ask very specific questions that are completely unrealistic. "How long does your refractory period last?", "How many times can you have sex per night?", "How long can you last?" as if there was some kind of a machine made of cogwheels operating in your brain and penis. You are very well aware that all these things are highly subject to fluctuations. But the way you describe your relationship, it seems to me as if your main function in it is to please your partner's needs before anything else, ideally in a reliable manner. And if not the danger of being replaced by 'a real man' is dangling above your head. But what about yourself? What are your needs? And are your needs as important as hers and are you being taken serious? As far as I can see, I get the impression that you are triviliazing what you need in a relationship and you are putting her needs before you because your partner is demanding and she needs 'real good sex' with a 'real man'.

    The sitution is very tricky and emotionally charged. I think, you guys can sort it out. But you must be aware that it will take patience, commitment and most of all mutual good will from both parties in order to work on a solution. Most likely, there is no quick fix or shortcut.

    Is your partner aware of how much her affair is afflicting you?
     
  2. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks, friend. I appreciate your input on this. Somehow, it feels good to know I am not the only one facing this kind of issues.
     
  3. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Pete. Once again, reading you makes me feel better, and helps me understand the situation a little more.

    She is well aware that her affair has affected me a lot. The thing is, I also cheated on her, as I mentioned in my post, but she got over it pretty quickly. I mean, it hit her hard too, but she moved on after a few months. As you said, it’s the ED that turns her affair into a catastrophic thing for me. Yup, recipe for disaster. And since I have always been prone to anxiety and depression, it’s not the first time I get affected more than other people in difficult situations. She is used to that, and I could simplify this by saying she knows me as someone who always overreacts, which is true.

    That being said, I don’t want to take her defense or anything like that. What she did is wrong, and I think it’s wrong of her to have given up on our sex life the way she does. But then again, that is oversimplification. We have a sex life. Things get hot every once in a while, and I know she enjoys having sex with me. It’s just that she rarely initiates it, and often I feel that even if I try to get intimate with her, her door is not open. She is not counting days like me, but to her, having sex once a week, after being together for 8 years, is good enough. If I was more healthy, if sex became a more natural thing to me, I guess she would have sex more often. But it’s not happening right now.

    Finally, she never actually said: come and get it, be a man. I don’t feel like I will be replaced by someone else if I don’t perform. She has always been respectful with me, especially regarding ED. But that’s how she sees it: I should not ask for sex, or manifest my desire to have sex in a rational way. I should come and get it, it should happen naturally. If it doesn’t happen ‘naturally’, most of the time she prefers not to do it. Let’s just say she has high standards, while I would like things to go smoother.

    Anyway. I don’t know if I am making sense right now, I hope so. This is a very delicate situation, and I want to overcome the challenges I am facing. But somehow, this is not so simple. It would be more simple if we did not love each other, but believe me, we REALLY love each other. We have a very strong complicity, we are a good match for most things. We get along very well, though we quarrel a lot. Apart from that, it’s a beautiful relationship. I still think the chances are good that as my libido returns, our sex life will get more exciting. It’s just that rewiring will be a little harder for me, because she is kind of all-or-nothing with sex.

    One last thing: you are also right when you say I put her needs before mine. I will have to work on that. Having PIED makes you feel like you are disqualified, and that your needs are not real needs. I will work on it.

    Thanks again, Pete. I really appreciate you taking the time to discuss this with me, it’s priceless.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2021
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  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    This is deep stuff man. I applaud your courage for taking the chance to share it here. Some of it hits home to my own experiences. It's not easy stuff to feel/process. I don't think you're being unreasonable man (I think you used these words once or twice in your two longer posts).

    This is obviously and I think very understandably bothering you a lot (to put it lightly). Opinions diverge here. Some would say see if you can work it out. Others would say pack your bags. In the end what matters is what you say !

    Relationships are complex. I'm far from being an expert. Sometimes cheating is blown out of proportion and what could have been something immense is thrown away. Other times, maybe it's minimized and not taken seriously enough.

    Really, what you wrote stirred up a lot of stuff in me as well man.

    You know, my ex once told me of two casual adventures she had before we were together. Since I didn't have such adventures before being with her - and since with me she only had sex at the condition of knowing I was offering her a true relationship - this hurt me pretty deeply. She gave her body away to some guys who only wanted to fuck her one night while with me she gave it away knowing that I would stay. Surely, one could say it was my own fragile identity when it came to sex. Which was true. But if I would have had a number of casual flings myself before meeting her perhaps it would not have hurt as much. Therefore, can we not say that my own fragile identify when it came to sex was understandable ?

    Honestly, I wish I was Casanova and that my life would consist of having had deep intimate/sexual relationships with around 10 or 20 women. That would be my greatest revenge against the Universe. On the other hand ... it's my addiction who's probably speaking. Or rather, the broken self underneath it. Perhaps the broken self was the one that felt the pain when my ex told me of her casual flings. I could not see that she really loved me a lot.

    Fuck, on one side you have progressive liberal society (ditch your toxic masculinity), at the other extreme you can read some Red Pill, even Black Pill. Perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the middle ... It's all so complex. As an ancient philosopher once said : we do not know much. The more one thinks, the more one sees he knows nothing, almost can never know something. There is a deep black hole and there is us looking at it. Life is about being able to handle this. If love does exist, it's the antidote to this black hole.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2021
  5. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks, @Thelongwayhome27
    I appreciate you dropping by and sharing personal stuff as well. Funny how we are similar on some points: I am also a kind of guy who is really acquainted with doubt and skepticism. I often have the tendency to look on both sides of a situation. It’s definitely a quality, because that way you are more open-minded than most people. But it can sometimes lead to inertia. At some point, you have to decide. You have to say YES or NO. Easier said than done.

    Reading your post, and other answers I got today, I realize it was a good thing to share this with you guys. It seems I am not alone dealing with this sort of things after all. Food for thought.
     
  6. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    The way one gains confidence is through success. I'd say you should applaud yourself for even being in a relationship in the first place with ED that has basically been going on forever. While many say it shouldn't matter, those that have lived it for years or decades know it will mangle your brain and rob any semblance of confidence, from its victim. You know what most guys in that situation would do. They fuckin drop out of the race entirely.
    Real manliness (...what a hilariously ridiculous word), is ability to face fear even in significant doubt of prowess. Well you faced it better than most (I) would have.

    I think even with a fully functioning wanger it will take a good bit of time to become "manly"....because you have to unwire all that horrible rot in your brain....I look forward to this myself. Getting rid of the negative (ED, failure, unmanly etc. complexes) rot is one thing.

    Second is, being fully rebooted, and THE mental effect of note I'd associate with it, is exactly this want to aggressively "TAKE" the lady. The single most powerful mental effect porn has is it snatches this aggressive feeling away from you. And your just left with this feeling that yes, that lady on the street is objectively quite a fetching lass.....but no drive behind it. When naturally your supposed to feel this gripping tension and thinking "I WANT THE FUCK THE ABSOLUTE HELL OUT OF THAT...RIGHT NOOOOOOW!!!"...And your morals and the fear of a 15-year bid are all that stops you (...I kid of course).....at least, other than your dick being functional, that is the difference between perpetual flatline and rebooted for me.

    Thus, porn was able to do what Corn Flakes could not for John Harvey Kellogg.

    One thing I'm curious about is if your girlfriend actually said quote "I need a manly man" or "good sex", or anything like that, or if this is somewhat out of context...or whatever. Because any girl with two brain cells to rub together would know those are about the worst things you could possibly say to your boyfriend if empathy and respect are considerations.

    If this is indeed the case, one might ask her what her definition of manliness is. If her defined archetype is something you would want to (or possibly can) work to achieve (for yourself), and in order to appease her needs, that's up to the individual if they feel the relationship is worth that. If not....
    ...
    And also, one might frame this as more of a personality incompatibility issue, rather than a sex issue, or even an issue with YOU, whatsoever. I've known super-aggressive, uh, manly.....girls, that while very attractive, are definitely not everyone's cup of tea. And girls like this, well, sometimes their idea is that a guy isn't manly unless he's a tatted up, meth dealing biker. And he could be the most scaggly-toothed, bald, fat, litre of vodka a day, pill popping, complete fuckin retard......but to these hot little girls, that's manly.

    So the first thing is to define.....Manly.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2021
  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Baggins Embarrassing? This forum is for discussing addiction and PIED. This is where you post embarrassing.
    No judgements in here.

    About what you're going through. I know you might feel you're not in a good place right now, but it's all about patience and faith. If you lose these two, then it's game over. You fall and you get up and you fall and so on.

    Have patience!
     
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  8. Javier1408

    Javier1408 New Member

    Hi mate i have followed this page for a couple of years by now but reading all what you wrote in your post it made me think:

    How much of your ED is still related to porn and how much maybe is anxiaty to be solid hard or to perform as you think your GF wants and other things. Maybe the real issue is not porn anymore but that you want to feel those "superpowers" like "i want to fu*k her brains out" and maybe its not going to happend that way.

    For me i cant said much about your situation im in my 41 days without porn or masturbation. I have been in a lot of situacions with pretty women and not being able to perform at all. So for sure porn affected me but also for sure that all those times of failure affected me in a bad way and maybe i also have anxiaty performance so im currently working with a sexual therapist in both.

    Normal men dont think if they are going to perfom well or not the moment they are going to get laid its just natural. We fucked up that the moment we get PIED we have to fix it and stopping watching porn is a step but the fear to perform good will not vanish if you dont work it doesnt matter how many days it pass. Of course this is only my opinion.

    As for your Gal mate play with her. Sex is not only penetration, foreplay is already sex. We dont have to be supermachines at all. Fingers, tongue, kisses, even toys. Try to stop about whats happening down your pants and focus only in her pleasure. Again mi humble opinion.
     
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  9. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks for dropping by.

    I think the truth is a mix of everything you wrote: I have ED issues, I lack self-confidence, and my girlfriend and I are not totally compatible. I have no doubt that the relationship is worth it, though. We like each other, and have been through hard times together, we’re there for each other.

    As for her saying things like ‘I need a manly man’... She never literally said that, and whatever she said was never a reproach or anything like that. Sometimes, we have discussions about sex, and I ask her how she likes it, how it was with other men, and that’s when she usually makes me understand politely and respectfully that she likes a confident man. She will say things like, she’s a ‘bottom girl’, or that she likes to be taken by a man. Another example: even though I am very good with my tongue, she rarely shows me that she wants me to lick her. She’s kind of old fashioned, she likes classics but intense sex.

    That’s about it. Like Pete says, this situation can be a sort of recipe for disaster, but it depends on the way I will handle it. I think and hope I can manage to deal with it, but it will probably take time. Once in a while, I talk to her about those things, she knows how I feel about our sex life. She understands most of my points, and even though she won’t initiate changes by herself, she is receptive to my suggestions, and she sometimes tries to ‘adjust her expectations’ and go with the flow (meaning, to have sex even if it doesn’t start the way she likes it). So the situation is not a dead-end. But it’s a tough situation, especially in daily life, since sex is always a complicated issue.

    Thanks again, Doper. It’s cool that you always take time to answer my posts, I feel grateful for that.
     
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  10. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Shady. You are right, this is the good place to post things like that. I have already got some good feedbacks from you guys, and that is somewhat relieving. Thanks for your wise and encouraging words.
     
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  11. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    The way you wrote your last posts, convey how much you adore your girlfriend and she seems to really love you, too. This could be easily neglected but I think it is a great foundation for a healthy relationship of yours.

    I'm thinking out loud now, simply because I had a situation yesterday where one of my basic assumptions were totally disproved once I brought them to question. Maybe, your girlfriend isn't sacrificing her sex life when she is with you? Perhaps, all the years of shitty erections due to PIED left quite a few marks and scars when it comes to your sexual confidence. If she is a bottom girl and wants to be taken, why wouldn't you give her what she wants, once you have recovered and if you see yourself in that role? Moreover, try to think of what distinguishes an affair from a relationship? If she wants to marry you, I assume that she really loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. The affair she had probably gave her thrilling feelings but I guess, these feelings can never be sustained and that is what makes or made them so special? On the contrary, and I can only assume what your motivation was, maybe the woman you dated and kissed gave you something that you miss from your partner or that you don't get enough in your relationship?

    By the way, did you know what Bukowski said about kissing and 'fucking'? "Kissing is more intimate than fucking. That's why I never liked my girlfriends to go around kissing men. I'd rather they fucked them."

    Just some food for thought ;)

    Take care!
     
  12. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Ahah! Yeah, I read that somewhere. Bukowski was a pretty sensitive man, despite his reputation of being an asshole.

    Thanks a lot, Pete. I think all you wrote is spot-on. That’s pretty much the way I see things regarding my relationship.

    Yup, as you said, as I gradually heal, it’s possible that I become more confident and dominant in the bedroom. I keep that in mind, and I try to leave my comfort zone when I have sex, while at the same time allowing myself to just enjoy the moment and learn to feel more at ease. I think it’s the way to go for now. Things can only get better, I am definitely not going backwards here.
     
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  13. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your input and suggestions, they make a lot of sense.

    The way I see it, it’s both: I have PIED and performance anxiety. I don’t think it’s weird or unusual that I am not cured after 9 months. I have had PIED for 15 years, so I don’t think it will take only a few months to heal from it. I am working on it. And surely, what you said about playing with my girlfriend is a good way to put it. I have always been kinda serious in the bedroom. I will work on it.
     
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  14. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Ok, last posts were heavy. Let’s go to something a little more jazzy. I would put it in the ‘miscellaneous’ section if there was one, but it doesn’t exist, so... Here we go: The fantastic adventures of Bilbo Baggins, rebooter and proud member of YBR.

    Little Bilbo enjoys having a therapeutic message every now and then. He’s been doing that for years, it’s a good way for him to relax. Most of the time, he keeps his underwear. He’s not sure why, but that’s what he did until a few weeks ago, when his massage therapist suggested he goes completely naked to have a more ‘complete experience’. Little Bilbo is fine with that, because he used to go naked when he was younger and it was fine, a little more comfortable and much more enjoyable. Anyway, turns out Bilbo is now 9 months into his reboot, and he starts to have occasional erections on the massage table.

    After a quick search on internet, he realizes it’s a common issue. Also, Bilbo knows that he would never do something inappropriate during a massage, like touching his therapist, it’s inconceivable to him.

    So little Bilbo goes to a massage (that’s tonight), and the ‘issue’ happens again. He gets hard during the massage. At least he knows it’s common. Might be good to mention that Bilbo is trying to heal from PIED, so there’s new stuff for him to learn about his body, who’s now having reactions down there, every once in a while. He thinks that it’s best not to do anything to block anything that looks like a reaction down there, because it has been BLOCKED for so many years and rebooting, on which he has been working for months, is about UNBLOCKING his dick or his brain, or whatever is the organ at play here.

    Of course, a not insignificant point to mention is that little Bilbo’s therapist is pretty sexy. All right, let’s get back to it.

    Well, tonight, Bilbo almost came on the massage table. He didn’t, but he definitely left a few drops in the sheets - oh, the pleasures of disproportionate precum you get when you are rebooting... He did not fantasize during the massage, or anything like that. He could not do anything about it, and for a second he was sure he was just about to release his ‘precious bodily fluids’. Surprising what a chest massage can trigger...

    Damn, that sure was weird. It also felt good, and honestly I think it’s a pretty funny situation. Bilbo will make sure nothing inappropriate ever happens - dude, I am not going to touch her, fantasize about having sex with her, or start humping the table (hard to believe, but some guys actually do that). Apart from that, and unless someone tells him something he has not yet thought of, he will just continue to go get a massage every once in a while. He hopes he won’t ‘finish’ before the massage is over, cuz things could get embarrassing...

    Having an erection when he doesn’t even want to get one?! Damn, seems that things have changed at least a little in those 9 months. Bilbo’s got new challenges ahead of him :eek:
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2021
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  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    That’s when you know the reboot is working, random erections :)

    you’re curing man! That’s awesome. I’m happy for you! I know all too well how having PIED can rob you of your masculinity, I’ve had it for many years and it was terrible.

    When you’re getting a massage you’re totally relaxed. You’re not thinking of your erection.. it just sort of happens. Even the not wanting one part might add to the excitement. How different then when we ‘try’ to perform in the bedroom. We get stuck in our heads instead of the moment. When we have that fear of failure / rejection. our blood circulates differently, we get in a fight or flight mode, no room for an erection then. As mentioned above being playful is important. But also, relaxation. Being alright with any outcome, enjoying the moment and the presence of your loved one.

    Well done on not doing anything inappropriate! You’re a true man for being in control of yourself, I respect that. Woman sense it and find it highly attractive and intriguing. I hope you learn from it and can anchor that state of relaxation so you can transfer it into the bedroom.

    Hang in there, you’ll be alright!
     
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  16. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks, man. Yeah, I guess that weird massage story shows that being relaxed is probably what I need at this point. I will work on it. And I will keep my underwear at the clinic next time I get a massage...... I wouldn’t want to be kicked out because of an incident like that, I have been a customer of this clinic for years. It’s pretty clear that apart from the members of this forum, anybody in their right mind would think it’s really weird that a customer gets an orgasm as he merely gets his chest or neck massaged. Imagine the face of the poor girl when this happens, I mean, you would expect that from a 14 year old boy, not from a 32 year old man :eek:
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2021
  17. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

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  18. Jose

    Jose New Member

    Hi everyone and special thanks to Bilbo, Pete and Doper... They say things that really matters for me.
    Sorry for my level of english, is not my language and I do What I can hahha
    Im very identificated with Bilbo about PiED. Im also in a relation (just 3 months). I really like this girl but I have the problem of my erection. Well, is not my post so I think I dont have the right of expose my issues. Just telling that I feel like you Bilbo and I will do hard mode. I will have sex with my gf but without O. And really what scares more is the idea of never recover the "normal" Sexuality and erection. I used to do streaks of 5O days in hard mode (without sex also) and then tried sex. The erection was very very good, but just did one intercouse, then I came back to porn. My question is: Doing a reboot and being in hard mode and so... When you are healed, do you are able to have regular sex with O? Or when you begin to have O regularity with your gf, the erection will fail again? Cause maybe the cause of the big erection after a long streak is the fact of dont have O in a long time... Thanks you so much and other time, sorry for my english. Im from Spain.
     
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  19. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    @Jose
    Yes, when you reboot for long enough, you should be able to have a regular amount of sex without your erections getting worse. But, I'm also of the opinion that way too much sex might also give ED, to someone that is prone to PIED. It all just comes down to overstimulation of the pleasure centre in your brain. How much that might be will be different for everyone. I'm sure I could be wrong and I'm sure many will disagree with me.

    That 50 day run should be evidence enough it works, you just have to go longer. What you described is extremely common.
    Also, considering English is not your native language, I'm impressed you can make ANY sense of my writing.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2021
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  20. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    I have positive news to report today. Nothing spectacular, but still positive. I had sex 3 or 4 times in the last weeks, without the help of ED pills, and had a decent response from my body on each occasion. My arousal and erections were decent, good enough to have and enjoy sex. That’s not a huge step forward, I mean, I have had successful sex without ED pills many times before, but I feel I have made some progress. I did not have locked erections, or a ‘powerful desire to impregnate’ or anything like that, but I was able to be hard without much physical stimulation each time I was about to penetrate my girlfriend. If my mind is not playing tricks on me, I think I used to need manual stimulation quite often in order to achieve that in the past. Hell, when I was in my early 20’s, I was in a relationship for 4 years with a girl and I never had an orgasm through PIV sex with that girl... In short, it seems I have a sufficient, though not extraordinary, level of reaction down there to be able to just go with the flow and have sex naturally without being constantly afraid of losing my erection. And DE is definitely a thing of the past for me.

    Also, it seems that these improvements already have an impact on my relationship, at least regarding our sex life. It seems that my girlfriend is more willing to have sex than I thought. The biggest change I have noticed is not exactly in my ability to perform, but in my attitude before and during sex. I did not have to force anything, and I somehow did not think about my erections during sex. I was not hard all the time, I mean, there were some fluctuations, especially during foreplay, but I did not focus on my dick. Things went smoothly, I was more in the moment. I know my girlfriend appreciates that, and I do too. Sex is more natural that way.

    That’s about it for now. I read some of my previous posts, and it made me realize how desperate I can be sometimes. Of course, I usually write in my journal when I don’t feel too good, that’s what it’s for. Hopefully, things will continue to improve, and eventually sex can become mainly a source of pleasure rather than an issue that causes pain and doubt. Let’s see how it goes.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2021
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