PIED update during reboot

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Bilbo Swaggins, Aug 9, 2020.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey Bilbo, really sorry to hear that. That's tough to read. I don't really have anything meaningful to say about it, but I wish your girlfriend and you nothing but the best and hope that everything will be okay.
    TrueDat and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  2. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Swaggins What does being raised by women have to do with no more Mr nice guy?
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  3. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys. As usual, I find good support on the forum.

    My girlfriend is talking with her doctor on a regular basis right now (though we somewhat minimize the gravity of the situation, because her doctor could have her hospitalized). But of course, I know I will have to call the emergencies if I feel my girlfriend could act out, and I’m prepared for that.

    Fortunately, some relatives and friends know what’s going on, and we have great support. My girlfriend’s sister looks on her regularly, and we’ve got good friends (who happen to be our neighbors) who spend some time with her everyday, comfort her, and take her out. She’s on antidepressants right now, but I give her a small dose of anxiolytics when her despair becomes too intense, and it usually calms her. We’ve contacted a therapist, because we want her to see someone as soon as possible. I also know the numbers of the hotlines in my area, and places (hospitals and other institutions) we can contact if the situation gets out of control. We have good support, we’re very lucky. Also, I can easily take off from work when necessary, I’m only a photographer, nothing really important depends on me. I just have to stay alert and be ready to call for help before she harms herself.

    Thanks again, guys. I’m touched by your empathy.
    BoughtWithBlood and TrueDat like this.
  4. Wow, this is really a problem. My thoughts are with you Bilbo.

    At least, you seem to know what to do and you seem to be prepared for the worst, so in case that is about to happen, you can prevent it. You are doing everything you can. Mental illness is no joke.

    Good luck man, I am sure that you will find a way through.
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  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Swaggins that's right. She needs you right now.
    Also, try to make her feel wanted and more importantly, needed. This will help a lot.
    It's nice of you to be by her side. She has always been on yours.
    Hope she gets well soon.
    -Luke- and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, brother, this is a lot to go through. From this, and other posts, I can tell you are alert and on-guard, which drains your energy from attending anything else. Your position is a heavy one. However, why is her life up to you? A few years ago I would've been applauding your efforts, but now it all sounds like "Nice Guy" 101. This is just my opinion, obviously, but I think it can be helpful to see our behavior from an alternate perspective. So, why must you be the guy to lift your gf out of the mire and put all your own stuff on hold? When will her depression end? Will it start up again and you will once again be saying:

    You aren't talking about a photographer here, you are talking about yourself. You are saying: "I don't matter, nothing important depends on me." I'm afraid I completely disagree with this Bilbo. You are VERY important. By beggaring your own self you are not doing anyone a favor, but you are bending over for the great matriarch. I'm sure her own family is telling you they're so thankful for all you do and validating your role as "care-taker." I think you are much more than someone's care-taker.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  7. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words, @wecandothisagain and @Shady

    The situation has cooled down a little bit. My girlfriend is starting to realize that she has different options career wise, and that she doesn’t have to stay with her current employer. Maybe she had to go through dark moments to realize that… Anyway, yesterday was a good day, and I’m starting to have some hope again that she gets better. One day at a time.

    @Saville I’ve almost finished reading No More Mr Nice Guy, I’ve got two chapters left. This is really a fantastic book, I can’t thank you enough for suggesting it. I see myself in it, I clearly am a nice guy. But I know I can change that, as I’ve managed to change the way I deal with work, creation and social relations. That book will help me take my life to the next level, I have no doubt about that.

    It’s my turn to disagree with you, though. When I said "I’m only a photographer", I meant that I could easily take off from work, which I do anytime I have a meeting for my music, or anything important to me. I really like being a photographer, and I’m always very proud to say I’m a photographer when people ask me what I do in life. I understand it seems to you like a nice guy behavior, but that’s not how I see it. I would do the same thing for a family member or a close friend, if that person was going through hard times. Also, I’ve been through a depression myself two years ago, and when things were really dark and I had suicidal thoughts, having my girlfriend by my side really made a difference. She took off from work a few times when I was feeling like shit too, which I believe was the right thing to do. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 9 years, and I’ve never seen her like that. It’s not caprice, or that she needs attention, or anything like that. She isn’t herself anymore, and she doesn’t care much about life at the moment. Her friends, family and I are there for her, and we’ll help her go through these difficult times.

    Don’t worry, I know I’m much more than her care-taker! And she knows it too. Anyway, thanks for being honest. I’ll definitely make sure to stop being a nice guy and work on being true to myself and thinking about my needs from now on. But I believe that this crisis we’re going through right now doesn’t really have anything to do with me being a nice guy and putting my girlfriend on a pedestal.
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2021
    MindPoison, Saville, -Luke- and 2 others like this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I hope her depression resolves soon. Having to take care of someone requires such tremendous emotional resources. And, of course, we must be there for our families during times of crisis. I suppose I see my job here, if I have one at all, is to remind my fellow travelers that they are important. PMO kills our sense of self-worth and it is easy to fall back into minimizing our own lives.

    So, what will you do once this episode is over?
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  9. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Saville. I like how you dare sharing your thoughts even when they seem to go against the general opinion. You’ve already helped me a lot, more than I could have expected. And thanks for the kind words.

    As I said earlier, reading No More Mr Nice Guy has turned out to be very enlightening. For the first time in my life, I’m able to put words on many things: myself, my relationship with my girlfriend, my mother… I almost can’t believe it, I mean, I’m usually pretty skeptical and I always see the other side of the coin, in almost any situation. But now, many things seem so clear to me. I’m a nice guy, who always needed to be the best at something (school or sports) to get some attention from my mom. She’s very cold, severe, never satisfied, etc. So I’ve found a partner who is like that. Also, my girlfriend was abandoned by her parents when she was a kid, and I believe she’s trying to get attention to compensate for these feelings of abandon. She’s exuberant, quite successful, she often contradicts people, etc. The dynamics of our relationship, and the reasons why we were attracted by one another, are getting clear to me.

    All this is too recent, though. If I tried answering your question, I would just be repeating what I read in the book. Short answer: I’ll stop making my girlfriend’s needs pass before mine, and I’ll stop reinforcing the behaviors and schemes that led me where I am. The next chapter is about the sex lives of nice guys… It will probably make me see many, many things. I’ll write about it all in a few days, when I’m done with the book.
    Shady, Rudolf Geyse and Saville like this.
  10. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    I’ve got some good news to share! I started taking daily Cialis (5 mg) a few days ago, and it’s working well. In the past, 5 mg would not be enough, but now it gives me a satisfying erection. I’m very happy about this, I feel like I’m starting a new chapter in my life. From now on, I think I’ll be able to have successful and spontaneous sex on a regular basis. Side effects are unpleasant but tolerable. I’m very, very happy.

    Another rebooter suggested avoiding cell phones and internet an hour or two before going to bed, and an hour or two after waking up in the morning, which I’ve been doing for a little while. Feels healthy to do that, I’ll maintain those habits from now on.

    The situation with my girlfriend has cooled down in the last days, she’s very fragile but not in a constant state of crisis. Today is my first day of vacation, I’ve planned nice things for the next weeks. Overall, there are many positive things going on right now, I feel lucky and proud. I don’t feel trapped in my life anymore, I feel that it’s actually possible to change and to improve. I started rebooting to cure my ED, but it turned out to be a transformative journey. I used to be so negative, moody, pessimistic… I’m far from being perfect, but everyday I become a little more able to face life challenges.
    MindPoison, TrueDat, Saville and 2 others like this.
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Out of curiosity: what are the side effects of Cialis?

    Good to see you're making some good progess. I'm sensing a success story sometime in the future. ;)
    Saville likes this.
  12. Yeah man! I've told you so! Your body is more responsive to ED drugs as reboot goes by, this was my experience and many others' as well. Now try to have more sex, your brain will learn, it will start to crave it more and more. Can't wait to hear your news.

    It's true, rebooting was a life changing experience for me as well.

    I somewhat agree with what you said about cell phones. I am addicted to it, as well as surfing the internet generally. I don't think cutting it down can be harmful. To the contrary, I think that constantly blasting our brains with new information and new images can numb its responses. Think about it... since I bought a smartphone for the first time (7 or 8 years ago), I never feel bored. Because whenever boredom starts to creep in, I start scrolling and surfing. Never feeling bored is unnatural! People always felt bored in human history. It is a time when your brain can rest during the day, but we don't let it do so. I am trying to reduce it as well, I am not very successful so far, but we'll see .
  13. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot, guys! I’ll stick with daily Cialis for a while, I want to get used to having sex and stop being scared and nervous in the bedroom. I don’t know to what extent I can develop confidence with women and especially when having sex (having chronic ED for decades somewhat leads to a form of PTSD), but I want to work on that.

    The worst side effect with Cialis is back pain and muscle aches. I get those side effects with Viagra too, but much less, even if I take a much bigger dose. That sucks, because if I don’t take Advil or Tylenol, my back will hurt all day long. It’s not a huge pain, but your body becomes uncomfortable, like after making big efforts, or playing a sport you haven’t played for a while. For now, it’s worth it, though.

    Yeah, you were right! Gotta trust the process a little more. Many guys write in their success story, as an advise to newcomers, Trust the process, calm down and enjoy the ride, you’ll get there… I’m starting to believe it.
    Saville and -Luke- like this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I read great things about CBD oil as well. It’s supposed to relax the body and reduce anxiety. I think there are even studies coming in about it’s effect on ED. You might want to try it out since the chance of side effects seem to be low. Also it’s supposed to help prevent cancer.

    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  15. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Damn, that sounds interesting! I knew CBD had relaxing properties, but I had not thought of using it. I’ll read the article and see what they say about ED. In all cases, I’ll give it a try. Thanks for the suggestion, BWB.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    My wife uses CBD from time to time to help her sleep. I've tried it too and find it helps the body "let go." I would actually like to have sex while stoned, because I heard it can be awesome. I only get high once or twice a year so perhaps it's something I'll have to plan. My wife and I took edibles once and it made her fall fast asleep. Meanwhile, I was bouncing off the walls, watching The Family Guy, and laughing so hard my guts hurt. :D
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    How's things in terms of your girlfriend's health?
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  18. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks for asking. It’s still a roller coaster, but she didn’t behave in a suicidal way this week. She’s meeting with a therapist in a few days, and she still talks with her doctor on a regular basis, she gets all the help she needs right now. I’m looking forward to her feeling better, because of course the atmosphere is heavy at home.

    The crazy thing, though, is that despite being depressed and highly medicated, she still feels like having sex regularly. Thanks to daily Cialis, having sex is gradually becoming a natural and spontaneous thing. After being together for 9 years, and despite going through rough times together, we’re still very attracted to each other, it’s almost like a honeymoon right now. Also, the side effects I had from the medication have subsided. Good things happening for me right now, even if my girlfriend isn’t going well.
  19. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    497 days…!!!
    Shady, TrueDat, -Luke- and 2 others like this.
  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Congrats man!

    Also, quite impressive with the added weight of supporting another person.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.

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