PIED update during reboot

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Bilbo Swaggins, Aug 9, 2020.

  1. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot, Saville. The truth is, I’m getting tired of thinking about ED all the time, and trying different things that don’t change anything to my problem.

    I spend my daily life being overwhelmed by my libido issues, and every once in a while, just for a few minutes, a few hours, it becomes clear to me that I’m seeing all this in a distorted way, that I create my own prison. I mean, I could at least use ED drugs and just stop thinking about all that. Not an ideal scenario, but it’s probably better than what I’ve been doing for 15 months (and probably my whole life). My rational brain plays tricks on me, it tells me, you haven’t tried everything yet, you’ve got this option, and this option too… It might not work, but you have to try it, since it worked for that guy, and that guy…

    Yes, I remember how the massage therapist gave me an erection. I’m not sure if it’s just a normal reaction, or if it means anything at all. I don’t know. With my girlfriend, it’s more complicated: I’m very attracted to her, but at the same time, I feel the weight of the years and past failures when I’m with her. We’re not sexually compatible, she likes it rough, I like it slow. But then again, I don’t know, am I just a weirdo with a contorted sexuality, or do I just really like it slow? I don’t know. Time will tell.

    Thanks a lot, Saville, for sharing all that. It doesn’t really give an answer to the question I asked, but I I think you heard the real question that was hidden under. What you wrote is probably real. I mean, 15 months away from porn, for most guys, is enough to heal from ED. It’s true, though, that some guys needed a little more than that. @wecandothisagain wrote in my thread he needed 550-600 days. Others needed 2 years. I grew up on porn, and had many years of porn consumption before I touched a woman for the first time. Maybe I need more time too. But, I don’t want to stay hooked on this idea eternally. Maybe a few more months, but not more than that. And I don’t want to be searching for a magic pill that will solve everything much longer either.

    I don’t know. Tomorrow, or even tonight, I might go back to the same mindset, feeling like a failure because I have ED, and be ready to try anything to solve it. But I think I’ll have to move on with this soon. Do I have to learn to just be myself, to allow myself to be a healthy male? I’d like that, and I probably need that. In all cases, I’ll have to change my views on sex and ED sooner or later. Right now, I’m in Limbo, because that’s where rebooting places you. 15 months is a pretty long time spent in Limbo, it’s probably time to start living a little more normally again.

    I don’t know if I made any sense. Again, thanks Saville for your sincerity and generosity, it’s really appreciated.
    Babylonier and Saville like this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, it is so draining to always look at ourselves as failures. When we view the world through this lens then we fulfill the prophecy that we are "just not enough." What a weight to place upon ourselves. This type of attitude not only affected my ability to have and enjoy sex, it limited my career. I always based my performance on the top people. Because I couldn't reach their heights I had to be a failure. If everyone in sports had my attitude then there would only be two players on each team.

    Many times we build a wall up in our minds and that wall is effectively as real as if it were a concrete one. There is no wall.

    Your gf likes rough sex, while you like something more intimate...that's OK. That's better than OK. You deserve to have what you want. This is huge, Bilbo. Why shouldn't you have a woman who also wants to enjoy sex in a sensitive way? Some people like to fuck, while other prefer to make love. Manliness is just us being our own man. It isn't a knuckle dragging caveman unless that's actually who you are. Inside we always know who we are and what makes us tick, but it is scary as hell to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable. The people I personally find most captivating are the ones who are unabashedly honest about what makes them feel whole. But, many of us are still stuck as 15 year old boys, bowing to peer pressure, and saying "oh, yeah, I've had sex before."

    Don't fixate on the precum. Bodies respond certain ways to certain stimuli. My story yesterday was just to highlight how I've experienced it and how now I don't.

    Don't wait. There's no magic amount of time for us to invest. Basically, we give up PMO and then we stumble around trying to find the real us. I've been stumbling around for five years now, but I've learned to stumble better.

    As always, these are just my opinions, although perhaps not always so humble. ;)
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  3. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks man, it’s a very refreshing perspective.

    It ain’t always easy to find our way through life and its challenges. There’s no test that will reveal the cause of my ED, and it seems there’s no doctor for that either. I have to be my own doctor with this, my own therapist. I have to use my own ressources and skills to deal with this, and hopefully improve myself. Not the easiest challenge in the world, especially for a skeptical mind like mine, who has doubts about everything, all the time. But it’s doable, definitely. I used to think, confidence will come as I start healing and being more successful in bed. A part of me still thinks that way. But it might just be the other way around. That’s what my girlfriend thinks, anyway (I talked to her way too much about the reboot… don’t do that, guys).

    That journey is an emotional roller-coaster! Hats off to the guys who keep their heads up all the way through this. Hats off to the guys who can find the key to fixing themselves and their sexuality. A big challenge, but probably incredibly rewarding. I might get there one day, too. But man, what a riddle…

    Thanks, Saville. Your support and advice have been very helpful lately.
    MindPoison, Shady, Babylonier and 3 others like this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're welcome, young bro'. :)

    Here's a mantra I had at the beginning and it still serves me well to this day: thinking is the enemy. We literally become drunk with thinking.

    Yep! :)

    It's a bit of both. Confidence begets confidence, it doesn't matter where it comes from.

    Yep, lots of guys have done that here and they weren't special. I would say all the guys that have been successful acted simply. Here are two statements that had tremendous power for me. One was from Musicman, a guy who doesn't post anymore. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, "time to be a man." That is a statement fraught with all manner of things, but I saw it as: get your shit together and keep together. Walk the walk, fuck the talking and rationalizing. The second one was from Danger Dave (he also doesn't post here, anymore) and he said: "If you don't MO, you won't PMO." Wow, that hit me like a wet cod in the face. Again, it's simplicity that has power and creates action.

    We can't think ourselves out of any predicament, because we are trying to do it with precisely the same brain that got us into trouble in the first place.
    Bilbo Swaggins and Babylonier like this.
  5. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Good stuff, man. Short sentences often struck us more than long and complex texts. You’re right, all I’ve got to do, pretty much, is stepping out of my head and going out in the real world. Confidence begets confidence, what a nice way to put it.

    Thanks again, Saville. I’ll try to keep it simple from now on. That’s what I do in other areas of my life, maybe it’s time to do it with sex and women.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I have quite a lot of moisture down there, precum, during foreplay as well. Enough to make me worried about an unwanted pregnancy during intercourse, without actual ejaculation. (Nervous lol. But seriously, never had an unplanned pregnancy in 13 years of marriage.) I don't think that it's anything for us to be too worried about tho. Of course I can only speak from my experience, I never researched anything like that.
    Bilbo Swaggins and Babylonier like this.
  7. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks man. It never bothered me, but I always found it weird: you release precum but you’re not even fully hard. But it seems pretty common after all, with guys who have ED and guys who don’t have ED, so I won’t think about it anymore… unless I have sex without contraceptives and am worried that the girl will be pregnant afterwards :rolleyes:
  8. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

  9. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Made it to 78 days hard mode, then my girlfriend and I had sex. So my hard mode streak ended a littler earlier than planned, and I decided to not continue this streak.

    My erection was okay, it was strong enough for sex, but it didn’t feel different than before this streak. I’m pretty much where I’ve been for quite a while now: I’m able to have sex, but my erection isn’t reliable and I start losing it quickly when stimulation stops, or if I change positions, or if I’m not having sex at the pace I like, etc.

    Been meditating on what Saville said about me being a healthy male. I don’t know, I’m still unsure. I’ve tried masturbating a few times in the last months (not because I was relapsing, but because my physio asked me to do it so we can see if the treatment had any impact on me). I can’t really get hard by touch alone (I can, but it takes a while, and I lose my erection instantly when stimulation stops). I still never have morning wood. When I was still watching porn, I couldn’t get an erection by just looking at it, I had to stroke myself, and then again I would lose it as soon as I stopped stroking myself. I’m pretty sure it would be the same today. Fortunately, I don’t have severe ED anymore (I had severe ED from 16 to 23 approximately), I’m able to have sex most of the time, and I can even have an erection without stimulation. Some situations, like when I get a massage from a beautiful girl, also seem to arouse me, or at least to make my body react. My situation ain’t that bad, and things are clearly better than they were earlier in my life, when I had no self-esteem and was watching porn on a daily basis. But I’ve been plateauing for a while now, despite going hard mode twice, quitting smoking, improving sleep quality and other things. Still unsure about what it all means, and what’s really causing this.

    As a side note, ten days ago I started taking the supplements I talked about before (Pycnogenol, L-arginine and L-citrulline), but that doesn’t seem to have any noticeable effect. I will do it for one month, as planned, then I’ll try daily Cialis. 5mg of Cialis, even if taken everyday, is a pretty small dose, I don’t know if it will work, but I’ll give it a try. At this point, I would be more than happy to rely on daily Cialis to have a decent sex life.

    Other than that, things are going well for me, better than ever in my life I believe. Work is good, I’m getting used to being a photographer and my confidence grows continuously. I’m making more money than ever before in my life (I’m not rich, but I’m earning enough to live decently). My musical project is going well, I’ve started giving shows and playing my songs with other musicians. I’ll record an EP in a few months, and I’ll be working with a known music producer. I’m also finally getting a grip on my sleep problems, that’s a relief… Not out of the woods with this yet, but I generally sleep well nowadays. Even if my sex life isn’t how I’d like it to be, I’m not unhappy with my life, and I’m even grateful for the good things that happened to me lately.

    I’ll just add one thing. Now that I’ve started having sex again, I would just like to avoid falling in the same pattern than before. The pattern consists in being unsatisfied with the frequency of our sex life; to avoid intimacy when I haven’t taken ED pills, and to be somewhat too insisting when I’ve taken ED pills; and to be disappointed when I’ve had sex without ED pills and things didn’t go very well. Also, I’d really like to stop being painfully envious of other guys, especially those who seem to have an exciting sex life. I’d say that I would like to think about ED much less, and to be less affected by it. I think I have improved a little bit on that, but I still have to learn to accept and to keep on living somewhat normally despite issues in the bedroom. I’ll focus on that from now on.
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2021
  10. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Just some random rambling… Don’t pay attention if you’re looking for something inspiring or intelligent, I’m just writing a few thoughts, nothing really new.

    Got lost in some reflections about PSSD (post SSRIs sexual dysfunctions), and stumbled upon a forum where people who suffer from it discuss their experiences. This forum is very, very dark… PSSD is worst than PIED, because it usually happens very quickly. Guys who have normal sex lives suddenly lose the ability to be aroused, to have erections, orgasms, etc. Terrible. Another thing that is difficult about PSSD is that there’s no way to diagnose it: you know you have PSSD when you have ruled out the other causes. So, just like with PIED, there’s no way to know for sure if you have it or not. And when you have a mix of both…

    I mentioned it before, but I took some SSRIs earlier in my life. Celexa (one month), Trintellix (one month), and also Trazodone (which ain’t an SSRI, but another kind of antidepressant). When I took Celexa, I didn’t notice any difference in my libido and erections, but I would get a sudden and intense headache when I got close to orgasm. That happened twice, and then I got off the medication and it didn’t happen again. With Trintellix and Trazodone, I didn’t notice anything. But as I said, I can’t rule out PSSD, because I’ve seen many reports of people who used SSRIs for a few weeks and still got PSSD. Also, since I already had ED, those medications could have had an impact on me without me realizing it (and the headaches I got were a pretty bad symptom, 100% related to sex). It’s unlikely, but it’s not impossible. I brought that up a few months ago, and then said to myself I should just not think about that possibility. Every once in a while, though, when I think about the fact I’m almost 500 days without P and M and I’m still not cured, I wonder, is PSSD a possible explanation? Probably not, but I’ll never know for sure.

    I’m finally going to meet a sex therapist in August. I found one who looks interesting, on her website she describes how ED could be caused by different things: physiological issues, performance anxiety or issues related to a person’s background and past experiences (for example, using death grip, or being in a specific position when masturbating, etc.).

    As for performance anxiety, lack of self-confidence, what we generally call psychogenic ED… Usually, therapists and doctors say that if you still have morning wood and can easily achieve an erection on your own, then you have psychogenic ED. That makes sense! In my case, of course there’s many psychological issues related to sex - you don’t go through years of failure in the bedroom without developing some fears and other negative feelings associated to sex. But… I don’t have morning wood, and I haven’t had for at least 15 or 20 years. Even after 15 months of rebooting, I still don’t have morning wood (I didn’t either when I went hard mode and didn’t have sex for 3 months). It’s not easy not get an erection by myself either, and as I said many times before, I lose it as soon as stimulation stops. I am able to achieve an erection when it’s time for sex, but it’s just enough for a straightforward session with my girlfriend (as long as there are no breaks and that I stick to the same 1 or 2 positions I always do, and don’t ask me to do it with a condom on, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t work). I don’t have a real libido, but it seems I’m wired to my girlfriend enough to have intercourse. I don’t know, it’s still mysterious. Every once in a while, a guy appears on the forum saying he has been rebooting for two or three years and still has ED. Crazy stuff, and it’s really difficult to know what you should do, since you can’t get a diagnosis. I’ll stick to what I said, and try to think about ED as less as possible. But it’s not an issue you can easily ignore, because you find yourself in a bed with a woman on a regular basis, especially when you’re in a relationship. I’m starting daily Cialis in 10 days, and I’m really hoping it will improve my situation. Even if I still have a low libido, I’ll be a littler happier if I can at least have decent and reliable erections.

    Hopefully, meeting with the therapist will help me realize a few things about sex and arousal, and the way I incorporate sex into my life and personality. Who knows, psychological issues could have an impact on the overall sexual functioning of a man. A man who has a conflicted sexuality could stop having morning wood, it doesn’t sound absurd at all to me.

    On the other hand, I used to have delayed ejaculation, and I don’t have it anymore. That is mostly due to my reboot, I have no doubts about that. This is a clear sign that staying away from porn is definitely beneficial to me. I should remember that more often, especially when I have doubts about the process.

    Whatever, this is just some overthinking. But you can’t blame a guy for asking himself those questions when he’s just trying to figure out where the hell the problem lies. Anyway, I think I have to find a balance between exploring new possibilities and accepting things as they are.

    Oh, and I started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I don’t know to what extent that stuff will apply to me, but it’s really interesting so far, and I was raised by women and surrounded by women all my life, so… Thank you Saville for the suggestion, I’ll keep you posted about that.
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2021
  11. Sex therapist is a good move Bilbo. He might be able to organise your thoughts and clear fallacies about sexuality in general. Seems like your past failures, or the way you perceive your sexual life and sexuality has harmed you deeply and has brought down your confidence, which impacts negatively your whole life and thinking.

    I would like to remind you, that ED is generally a treatable disease. Or at least, it can be greatly masked. I would go with ED meds for the time being. Have more good sex, it cannot be bad. Stay away from porn. Reboot takes a long time for many people. Even if you are never completely healed from ED, staying away from PMO is so much worth it. In the end, what I tell myself is that even if my dick never work in the proper way again, and this harms my whole being so much, I will put a penile implant and I will become a robot man. Fuck this shit, we won't ruin our lives and our psychology for our dicks.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  12. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks, man. I definitely have some work to do concerning self-confidence and letting go of the past. That’s what I’ll focus on from now on. In other areas of my life, I’ve managed to go through great transformations, not by becoming perfect in those areas, but by changing my behaviors and beliefs. I can do it with sex too.
  13. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    Just dug out my copy of no more mr nice guy as well Bilbo, not read it in years and wasn’t in the correct mind frame or mature enough at the time to really take on board what was being said or face what emotions raised in me. Read the first four chapters and I’ve been reminded of so much and seen so much in me, however I’m calm and understanding, meaning there is every chance it’ll sink in nicely. I hope you get great things out of the read as well.
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  14. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks man. Yeah, it’s definitely a great book, I recognize myself a lot in what the author writes. My father wasn’t living with us, and he was an alcoholic, so I didn’t have male models around me (both my grandfathers were already dead when I was born). My mom did a decent job at home (I have four brothers and sisters), but still, I can see now how the absence of men in a little boy’s life can be detrimental. I’m 33, so I have got plenty of time to fix that and live a better life.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I love your positive attitude man! It’s hard to grow up without a present father. And to not have a real man rolemodel to help you understand what it means to be a man.

    But we can be those men and become to others what we have missed.
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  16. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks for dropping by, BWB.

    Yeah, definitely! Especially for us guys in our 30’s, there’s still so much time to develop new skills and learn to see life differently! There are many things that we can’t control, but there are some that we can learn to master. Our beliefs, behaviors, perceptions… All that can be changed. If we manage to realize that most of the time we build our own prison, then we’ll be able to change. We can keep porn out of our lives; we can accept ourselves as we are and stop looking for perfection; we can learn to have and maintain balance in our lives. We didn’t know we could, we were overwhelmed by life, by a feeling of powerlessness. But it all can be changed.
  17. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Tough week. I mentioned a few months ago that my girlfriend was having a depression. Unfortunately, things haven’t improved, and actually got worse. She was supposed to start working again next week after a 5-month break, but an incident related to her career (an issue regarding her position and an eventual promotion) had a strong impact on her and she’s back into deep depression. She’s been very, very suicidal in the last week. I had to hide all the medication we have at home, as well as all the blades and sharp objects, because she’s been very tempted to kill herself lately. A few days ago, she left home because she wanted to "take a walk". I didn’t trust her and followed her, and brought her back home. The day after, she admitted that she was determined to jump from a bridge, not too far from our place, and that she would have done it if I hadn’t bring her back home.

    This is not related to porn at all, but I wanted to share it anyway. I feel close to many of you, and it feels good to vent once in a while.

    Fortunately, she has good support: a good doctor, a sister whom she loves very much, good friends, etc. We’ll do everything we can to make her see a therapist, she’s already on medication, etc. But her will to live is practically non-existent, and she’s not afraid of dying. We’re all doing our best to help her, but we can’t keep an eye on her 24/7. Also, she’s had traumatic experiences in hospitals, she got locked and attached for no reason a few years ago, it was terrible… Because of that, just the thought of being hospitalized makes her freak out to a high degree, so I can’t really call the emergencies when things are going really bad. If I did, she would become totally crazy, and would do something irreparable, I’m sure about that.

    Thanks for reading, guys, and thanks for your support. Many of you have been very supportive and encouraging over the last year. Feels good to come here and be able to talk about those things.
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Oh man. That sounds really tough! Must be stressful to remain so diligent.

    Depression is no joke. I will be praying for the both of you!
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  19. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot, man, really appreciated.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Jesus Christ man, sorry to hear that. Can't you like, commit people for talking like that? ... I know you said she would freak out or whatever if hospitalized, but... you seem to believe she isn't playing around.

    Does her doctor, friends, family etc. know she talks like that? Have you spoken to any professionals or a hotline or whatever about the situation?

    Sorry, I don't know much about what to do in such a scenario, so I just revert to childhood and regurgitate whatever various Muppets have told me to do in such situations.

    "Don't put it in your mouth" ... "Call a hotline" ... "Tell an adult" etc.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2021
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