PIED // separation-performance anxiety // hooked to porn for decades

Hi,

I've been masturbating since 6th grade..
I was in a long term relationship with a virgin girl for 8 years but it didn't end well and we broke up 10 years ago .. all we did was oral sex, prone bone, thigh job , 69 etc ; you got the idea, I didn't have many sex partners except some one night stands and a couple escorts, so maybe I had sex 5 times ish during my whole life .. I knew that porn destroys the reward process and since it's accessible I was so addicted (and so screwed..).
Lately I met that girl that I was attracted to, she is nice and everything and has an amazing body but most of the times I could only get half an erection and precum when we were kissing or cuddling, then when she did a BJ I came fast and then she wanted me to do the deed but I couldn't get hard.. she is a sub so she isn't into affection, and I like fondling and kissing : that's the way I used to have rock solid erections with my old partner (8 years relationship).. I couldn't get an erection for at least 4 times and I really wanted to do it but I couldn't function properly .. sometimes when we are cuddling I do get hard but then she refuses to do it because "she is tired" .. it is so frustrating for both of us because I don't know if it's just PIED or that I am demisexual or both .. one time I was hard but as soon as she put the condom on I was soft again, she wanted to do it without using it and warned me to get my pull out game on but I cannot control my precum.. now I am trying to stop watching porn and masturbating because I'm pretty sure my brain is so doomed and used to that crap .. I didn't have any relationship for 10 years now due to the damage that I still feel until this very moment .. my ex just walked away while we were supposed to marry etc ..I am so desperate I started using 4 dating apps to get a date with a girl and figure out the cause : is it my current partner or me? pretty sure it's both since our sexual preferences are so different, I've been reading about sub partners and it's something new to me ... I am so affectionate and gentle in bed but she wants it rough ...

I have some deep issues that I am trying to get through ... any advice is welcome and thanks for reading (sorry for my bad english and not being able to organize my ideas)

 

Hi Danzo

Your case is like many cases here, sadly porn fucked us bad, i have same issues with condoms and partners, there was a time when also i thought that i was first demisexual and later asexual. If you have been on porn since 6th there´s a HUGE probability that all your issues are due to porn. I think that one of the best decisions at this point before get a partner again, is deal with your porn addiction, also ´cause your PIED can go worst, and you could start to feel asexual too, i say this not to scare you, it happened to me, and many others here.

 

PIED and performance anxiety are the most nasty combo. I don't know if hook-up sex would benefit because it introduces even more anxiety, and the failure will even boost the anxiety.
I'm dealing with this too right now you are not alone.
Remember, a small win is a win. lame sex is better than nothing. As long as you are improving slowly, you will eventually get there.

 

Thank you guys for your replies ! I really appreciate it and it also helps a lot to have some feedback.. the fact that there are other people who dealt/dealing with this is such a relief and boosts my self confidence again.
The girl that I was with lately said she just wants to be friends, because I really can't get a full erection with her unless we are cuddling, and as I mentioned in the first post, she is so passive she wouldn't do any fondling or effort to make me "want her" and even when I did and get a perfect erection she refused or just wanted to sleep ... she said she can't fulfil my needs every time and told me that blowjob is the only stimulation she can give me, and that slow touching and kissing hurts her sexual identity and since we have different kinks so she she doesn't wanna cuddle anymore or do the activities that we used to do other than intimacy.. so we're only friends now, we never were gf/bf anyways, we both were looking for that connection, it just didn't happen, so she stepped back and I totally understand that, I was expecting that we might make it work somehow or meet in the middle.. I was trying to adapt to her kinks but she never did an effort to understand how my body functions or where I want to be touched etc.. I understand her kinks but it's something new to me .. from my pov, she only thought about her needs, and that I have to do 110 effort while she just lays there as a receiver

So I went to a massage parlor this weekend and I could get a good erection (maybe 80-85%) mostly because the girl was hot, she asked if I have a girlfriend, I said "not right now" she thought I was married and have kids .. I told her I'm single .. she was impressed she said how come you have this donger and you're single, I tried explaining that I can't find a solid emotional connection with any girl since my ex .. well I reached O twice with her help ofc, BJ and then HJ after 10 min, but the second time I could only get 70% erection, it still felt pleasant, I lasted around 6-7 min for each O .. my PC muscle is kinda weak I should work on that too

Lately, I bought an AutoBlo*er, I'll use it twice a week or so without watching porn and train my PC muscle, and my brain to be back to normal

 

update : So I've been talking to a girl for 6-7 weeks, we have so much in common. We met once for 2 nights, we just cuddled and kissed in the first day. The next morning I had a morning wood (70%) , we kissed and fondled for a while , I gave her a C, I used to get super hard when I Was giving a C to my ex.. but the last two girls I was with, I didn't feel horny at all ... then she asked me about what position I want her and that she wanted me inside her .. she went doggy but I instantly lost my erection .. we already talked about my problems and she's so understanding, so she said it's fine, tried to give me a BJ, even then I couldn't get a proper erection, so I got frustrated and she kept recomforting me and said that if it's not gonna happen now, it's ok ..
Then a few minutes later, I got a boner again and she gently gave me a BJ, she said sex is an option and that we should work as a team to overcome my issues, and she definitely wants to stay with me.
I am still working on my brain reboot process, and I am so lucky to have met that girl who is so sweet, thoughtful and understanding; and willing to help me despite my problems.