Pied, Massive porn addiction and porn induced fetishes, what should i do? (TRIGGER WARNING)

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Nikostar, May 9, 2022.

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How do I get out of the cage I put myself into?

  1. Reboot (90 days) no PMO

    14.3%
  2. Reboot (120 days) no PMO

    57.1%
  3. Reboot, after 60 days of no PMO start having sex with real partners (women)

    28.6%
  1. Nikostar

    Nikostar New Member

    So to begin this thread I'm going to say that my porn use has gotten very problematic in the last year, as I have progressed to wanting to give a blowjob (I'm a straight male).

    But over the last month or so I have come to terms with myself and don't care if I want to give a blowjob, even though I know its my addict mind wanting a hit of dopamine. I care more now about my supposed PIED, the fact that I have been using porn to cover up my anxiety, depression and loneliness and that I would just want to get rid of my porn induced fetishes / addiction and get a girlfriend.

    It is also important for me to mention that I did have HOCD, and sometimes still deal with it on occasion but its gotten much better for me ( I have been diagnosed with OCD).

    However it all started around 2010-2012 with me searching up "sexy" on YouTube and finding a "breast expansion" anime where the culprit of the breast expansion was a teacher (woman) and to my surprise a dude.

    Anyhow at the time I was just fapping to the normal stuff as a kid (naked ladies in magazines, a literal painting of an female angel on my wall e.t.c.) however after some life problems around 2018 I started really getting into my porn addiction (I was 13 at the time).

    In the winter of 2018 I had gotten very stoned, and anxious. And in my anxiety I thought about being the girl and sucking a dick or something along those lines, also before the summer of 2019 I had tried to suck my own dick (in my search for dopamine to cover my feeling, or so I feel at least as I look back).

    Anyhow this all ties in with the fact that I had escalated to hentai, futa, genderbender, bestiality, rape, incest, breast, ass and stomach expansion e.t.c (all up until 2019) so all of this until the age of 14. And that I was masturbating a lot of times a day, if I were to guess I would say 4-6 at the time.

    I just want to also write that I only ever got homosexual thoughts when I was in a very bad state of mind mentally, that is to say when i was depressed or very very anxious.

    But to not keep this text long, the summer of 2019 I moved back to my dad in Croatia where I wanted to live and I was very happy mentally. So my porn addiction died down and I did not jerk off to Bisexual thoughts, however when I did get stoned my anxiety would shoot up and I would PMO to the thought of being a girl in a video. this happened around 3 times from the summer of 2019 to November 2020 aka the time I lived in Croatia. But outside of this I was strictly PMO-ing to girls, my crushes and so on.

    Although I did escalate to Shemale porn around September 2020, but I was only getting an erection to the thought of being the dominant male and not the receiving shemale.

    And then some shit happened in my life and I had to move back to Sweden where I was always depressed and anxious/lonely (as I had been in 2018 where I escalated initially), and as soon as shit started to go bad with my dad I instantly noticed that i had been PMO-ing way more and specifically PMO-ing to the fetish thoughts of wanting to be the girl in a porn scene, or being transformed to a girl.

    Then I moved back to Sweden (November 2020) and around January/February of 2021 I had to my horror escalated to gay porn, and this happened after a night out where I was highly anxious due to my whole situation (having left my whole life behind in Croatia, New school/friends that I had to in my mind at the time look cool in front of, sister bad mentally, mother drinking, aunt died a couple months earlier, and the mental abuse I was suffering from my father at the time.)

    But anyhow I was out with my new friends and for the first and hopefully last time in my life in all of my anxiety was looking at a friend of a friend and got the anxious hornyness (Some people will get me) to the thought of wanting to give this guy a blowjob. The anxiety of course multiplied the effect of this along with the ocd, thankfully I didn't do anything and we just chilled and watched a movie.

    However on the busride home I got a bunch of thoughts in my mind along the lines of "be the sissy you're supposed to be, give in, suck a dick, e.t.c". And so when I came home i opened up a site and searched up gay porn, now the dopamine kick I got from this the first time was indescribable, like I could clearly feel that it was a drug.

    I was PMO-ing to this stuff hard until summer came, and my porn addiction died down as I went to Croatia. (where i had multiple encounters with girls (not sex), however i did get erections when the girls where on top of me, when i was kissing with them, and when I had their ass in my hands. And these erections felt so much better and different than the anxiety filled porn ones.

    Anyhow to keep it short I Came back from Croatia in August of 2021 after a great summer and since I couldn't deal with the reality that I couldn't stay in Croatia i started to PMO insanely hard, 4-10 times a day the whole winter practically, to gay porn, shemale, and other stuff. And when I wasn't PMO-ing I was constantly opening up new tabs of porn to favorite, I mean it got so bad that every single one of my records (when I was gaming), had porn in the background.

    Then goddamn Hocd came creeping in around January 2022 and I was struggling with it very hard until August (when i went for a vacation to Croatia and stayed on no PMO for 17 days) it practically died after that although now that I'm PMO-ing again and in Sweden again its kind of come back a little amount although I know its bullshit so I don't give it any attention.

    So my 17 day failed reboot went like this. Days 5,6,7 insanely bad mood swings, sky high anxiety and depression. Days 12 Bi-sexual thoughts,12-17 felt great, and After the relapse I kind of just looked at the whole situation from above whilst I was on the plane to Sweden (I relapsed the day I was going back to Sweden)
    and something just kind of clicked in my head and I felt like the bi thoughts, along with the porn induced fetishes were gone. So I started PMO-ing again in Sweden, and it was to Women :D, however of course I had escalated again and after PMO-ing for a couple of days I stopped myself before escalating to Fetishes/Bi stuff. Was on a 5 day streak until today and I Edged for 30 minutes (straight porn), after getting an erection to reading guys talking about their experiences sucking dick ( didn't MO to this it just felt so wrong and I knew it was the anxiety playing with me), but what I realized was that when I didn't MO to the initial erection to the bisexual thoughts, as I read them again I asked myself like what the fuck is wrong with me.

    Anyhow to end this, you guys can ask me any questions in case I have forgotten anything here and ill answer down in the thread.

    And what would you guys recommend for me to do?

    Also to elaborate on this post, I must say that my whole life I have only ever had crushes on women, in real life only ever been with women and when I have been with them I was in paradise. So at the moment it feels like I'm locked in a cage with a monster and looking out I see my dream girlfriend but I just simply cant reach her.



    Also its important to say that I don't care if I'm bisexual or not, however I don't want to use porn in the way that I'm using it or use it at all as a matter of fact, I don't want to be attracted to bisexual thoughts if they give make me anxious as fuck (which is very likely the only reason they make me aroused), and every time I've O (especially to the fetish porn/bisexual stuff I feel absolutely disgusted at myself afterwards, and quite honestly I don't think a real bisexual/homosexual would feel absolute disgust at himself in his core.
     
  2. Oscar40

    Oscar40 New Member

    Hello.

    For my part, I will answer what I have answered to others here.

    All of these problems that you have have nothing to do with necessarily watching porn. It seems you're just another one here who has to address underlying issues.


    15 years ago I met pornography. I am currently 40 years old. When I saw porn for the first time it was when I was 23 years old. Never in my life have I climbed to extreme genres. I have always seen the same type of porn (usually lesbian and softcore).

    However, my conditions such as: wanting to stay alone, not sharing with anyone, liking solitude, feeling more interested in masturbation than in sex, not wanting to have a partner, feeling insecure before affective relationships, are underlying problems that I must address. from another angle.

    Of course, within the process of working to change the way you are, it is important to archive porn and leave it for a very long time (even years). Don't misunderstand me.

    It is very good if you leave the porn aside: you decide if it is convenient forever or at least for a very good time. But remember that we must work on other aspects that will be the ones that truly allow us to change.

    Leaving porn is not going to get you out of "the cage you put yourself in" as you yourself are saying. No. You will get out of "that cage" when you address your real issues along with quitting porn of course. You can quit porn for 10+ years, which if you don't address your real issues, they will still be there.


    Good luck.
     
    Kuhn likes this.

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