PIED and Relationship Balance

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by doubtfully-optimistic001, Aug 18, 2021.

  1. I know that everyone here has different experiences and rules they follow to rid themselves of PIED. My question is how do you balance a relationship with PIED, when your partner has a normal or hyper libido but you're still having difficulty getting it up and keeping it up?

    I've been dating this girl that I really like for the past month. She knows about my situation with PIED and says she's willing to wait and work with me on it before having intercourse, she's not in birth control and I've never been good with condoms cause I can't maintain an erection long enough to use one successfully. We've fooled around and had oral sex, but we both want more than that. I've been abstaining from porn and masturbation for the past few years, with intermittent relapses, so far I've been clean of porn and masturbation for the past few months(I stopped counting) but the longest I've gone is about 5 months. I guess I want to know if anyone's found success with abstaining from porn and masturbation, but still able to orgasm as long as it's with a physical partner. Or is total abstinence from PM&O the only way to regain my erections? I know she said she'd wait and I do believe her, but I also feel like patience with sex can only last so long before someone with a healthy, functional libido gets fed up and wants out of the relationship. I don't know if she'd be able to wait months or years until my erections regain full strength and I'm able to be aroused from physical stimuli as opposed to porn and artificial stimuli. I also don't think it's fair to have someone wait that long, although I'm able to please her through oral sex and she is able to do the same for me, but it's still not the same kind of connection that intercourse has. I wish there was a strict formula to follow to solve this.
  2. Finally here

    Finally here New Member

    I’ve read up on behavioral rewiring and saw that you have to have a choice between two things to rewire. Because making that choice for the one is part of the process. You can’t just abstain and expect yourself to be healed one day because you’ve been perfectly abstinent. What happens when you relapse, do you continue to start over and over again? I believe you have to take that leap with a physical partner to rewire your brain.

    Although I would be careful with contraceptives because you don’t want to get her pregnant if you’re not ready for that commitment with her yet.

    Best of luck mate, my girl left me because she felt so unloved or “unattractive” as she put it. I’d verbally expressed my desire for porn more than I had for her in our entire relationship. This made her labido inadvertently higher. She was desperate to prove through sex that I did love her. But I decided to stay celibate. She’s already been out a few times, tells me that she’s not rushing into anything, just trying to heal. But the thought of her with other men drives me crazy. And she has a healthy labido so it seems likely she’s healing and proving to herself she’s attractive with other guys.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I recommend reading:


    I recommend that you go at least a year and a half without experiencing a single orgasm.

    If you continue to have sex or masturbate you will not even experience a desired sex drive.

    When the body has lost balance from too much PMO unfortunately you have to do a HARDMODE reboot for a long time.
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    This is not true:

    Humans do not need to "reconfigure" anything because by rules of our evolution the sex drive toward others is innate. A common misconception that is likely to be broken in the coming years is the idea of "rewiring" because human beings do not need to "rewire" anything.

    PIED is not a matter of "rewiring" the brain or any of those ideas. PIED is simply your brain saying, "HEYYY, Too much orgasm and sex in sight for now, I don't want to know about sex anymore"........... This leads to : low libido - Bad erections - PIED.

    The only solution to cure PIED really is:

    Rest as long as possible from EVERYTHING to do with sex (masturbation, orgasm, having a partner, watching xxx material).
  5. Finally here

    Finally here New Member

    Okay, actually I take it back. When it comes to PIED that is likely correct. I’m talking about being triggered by sex with my partner to want to look at porn. I had a hard time with wanting to be intimate again even though I was able to achieve an erection. Honestly I just know from articles I’ve read what they’ve said about rewiring. But I was afraid to be intimate until I hadn’t orgasmed for a certain amount of time because I was afraid it would impede my progress. I still don’t know the truth.
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Nobody knows very well yet almost nothing about the problems caused by the misuse of pornography because this is a very new phenomenon. This phenomenon has not happened in the last 15 years. For now there is only speculation regarding the issue. Based on what I have seen in my experience over all these years watching reboot forums, it seems that the body (brain and mind) loses its balance due to excess PMO and that is the reason why something healthy like orgasm is becomes counterproductive for men who have developed PIED. That is why the only way to improve libido is by doing a total HARDMODE reset for 18 months or more. In some less less, in others more months. Each case is different.

    I'm just telling you something based on my experience on this topic: Orgasms from sex or masturbation will continue to send you to a constant FLATLINE, even if you stopped watching porn years ago.

    If you are a severe case of PIED I recommend complete abstinence for 1 whole year or up to 18 months. Maybe 24 months. However, if you are not a severe case and feel that sexual activity does not affect your sex drive too much, there is no problem. Only you can know.
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey man, I’d be curious to know more about your story. The thing is, on this forum most of the time when a guy says we need to go 18 months without sex or orgasm to heal from ED, it’s based on his beliefs and not his experience. Actually, you almost only see guys who still have PIED say those things.

    I remember, a year ago, when I discovered this forum, Guts was still pretty active and saying all the time that we needed to avoid sex, to avoid orgasms, etc. It had a big impact on me, I was thinking, how can I do this, I have a girlfriend? I can do it for 3 months, maybe 6, but not more than that… Than, earlier this year, Guts wrote his success story. In his post, he says he doesn’t think that anymore.

    All this to say, this idea that we have to go hard mode for a crazy amount of time has to be taken with a pinch of salt, I believe. And, for newcomers, especially those who are in a relationship, it’s a very distressful idea. They just think they’ll never heal, that it’s unachievable. We should always go back to the success stories, the real ones. In those, the guys didn’t even all go hard mode, and even those who did, well, they didn’t need 18 months away from sex or orgasm to heal. We have to stick to the facts, man. At least, we should avoid scaring newcomers and spreading ideas we can’t verify.
    MindPoison, Pete McVries and Guts like this.
  8. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    This. While I will say if you have nothing to lose and truly feel like nothing is working then hard mode might help you. For all I know it could have been the the thing that healed me, but I did 6 months and close to 8 months of abstinence and I will tell you nothing much changed in between those. I do firmly believe that the more you focus on your PIED and track your orgasms or tally progress, it will give you anxiety induced erectile dysfunction.

    @doubtfully-optimistic001 I think you should try sex with her and leave all the counting and worrying about whether you will be able to get or maintain an erection out the door. I'm not into encouraging use of ED medications but they did help me break through any anxiety I had.
    MindPoison and Deleted User like this.
  9. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    What matters is how functional does someone need to get, and how long will that take for the individual. Getting fully "cured" and getting functional are two completely different things. You just need to get functional for the time being, to be able to have successful sex again, sparingly, and then with time fully cured.

    For me, PERFECT hard mode works better than anything else times 10. A month of hard mode for me is worth 4 months of hard mode with a quick relapse every two weeks, for example.

    While I think it is insane and silly for Halonis to just, without knowing anything about OP, just blurt out "You need 18 months hard mode to heal" ... I agree that rewiring is nonsense. And hard mode is the way. But given you're in a relationship, just go hard mode for like, a few weeks, and then try sex and see how functional you are. If your girlfriend is important to you, just try to keep her happy. Use your dick sparingly. You will heal slower, but who cares, you probably won't relapse either. If your relationship bites the dust, do hard mode again.
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2021
    MindPoison, Guts and Deleted User like this.
  10. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    @Bilbo Swaggins


    With respect to your comments:

    What great news man. I'm so glad to hear that. Good to know that in you and some others like Guts, having orgasms from sex has not affected you negatively. It is very good because in the case of you and Guts it is very important due to the fact that you have a sexual partner.

    I'm going to tell you about my life:

    I am 39 years old now.

    I am single. But I like being single.

    The first time I did a PMO in my life was for the first time when I was 23 years old. The first time I had sex was when I was 26 years old. Yet I use porn unfortunately. But I wish quittin porn.

    I have never had a steady partner. Never. I have always had casual sexual encounters. However, I am happy in this situation.

    I am single and my sexual encounters are casual. The year 2017 was the year I had the most sex in my life (I had sex almost 17 times in the whole year. It was with several girls on a few occasions, some scorts girls, and the rest of the years of my adult life, I have only had sex three or four times x every year).

    In my opinion, men who remain single do not suffer as traumatically from PIED as men who are in a stable relationship. Let's say that I can somehow choose when and with whom I decide to have sex. As opposed to men who are in a stable relationship, who find themselves in the situation of having sex almost two or three times a week. Although there is no term that can be considered "normal" when it comes to sexual frequency really speaking.

    The last time I had sex with a woman was December 27, 2019. Then the Covid came along and ended the possibility of continuing to seek adventure. In the 2020 and 2021 unfortunately the porn use continue in my case.

    My opinion with respect to your comments: A man like me can have the possibility of 18 months in total abstinence mode thanks to the fact that I am single. However, I understand that it is very complicated for men like you because you have a steady partner. In that sense, don't take what I say about 18 months of abstinence with too much importance. That can only be done by singles.

    I am not sure if I have PIED because I have sex very occasionally. However, the times I have had sex I can penetrate and enjoy the moment, also if I think about something erotic I can get erections, sometimes hard and sometimes not so hard. I don´t sure respecto to my PIED. I discovered the FORUMS or rebooting comunities in the 2012 or 2011 more or less, and I discovered Your Brain on Porn in the 2013. In this momento I knowed thar porn adiction exist.

    However, I have not been able to give up pornography yet. At this very moment I am writing this to you, 20 minutes ago I was visiting a porn website (imagefap).

    My problem itself is not lack of libido. My problem itself is that I have not been able to give up the love I have for pornography. I would appreciate your advice on this if you would like to send it to me privately.

    In conclusion: When I advise men to achieve more than 10 or 18 months in hard mode I am referring to two types of men:

    1. those who are single like me and because of that bliss can make it.

    2. Those who have not seen any progress for years (like @Pornfreesmee for example).

    Regarding the 18 months HARDMODE you could experience it but only if you are single. If you are in a relationship it will become a problem. It can be useful for those who have really lost interest in sex because of too much PMO.

    In your case and Guts' case it is different because you and Guts for example you have a sexual partner.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2021
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    Exactly. You are correct.

    Maybe I'm making a mistake here because I'm speaking for those singles like me who can do it (more than a year as a monk if I really put my mind to it).

    I understand that when men have a steady wife or girlfriend the hard way for too many months is not possible.

    The reason I am such a promoter of hard mode to men is that for as many years as I have been reading posts on forums like this one, I often read the same sad situation: "Men who have not had the libido they want for years because they have never done hard mode for even 18 months" My intention is to give those men the advice to try total abstinence mode for many months to see if it will improve their libido.

    In my case for example I have the desire to go 18 months without a orgasm. I guess in my case thanks to the fact that I am single I think that I will could it perfectly. I guess. The purpose in my case is quittin the porn adiction. The problem is that I still like pornography a lot and I have not been able to stop using porn. That is the reason why I have not been able to achieve more than 4 months in hard mode. It´s the reason why I am in YBR.

    Regarding the 18 months HARDMODE you could experience it but only if you are single. If you are in a relationship it will become a problem. It can be useful for those who have really lost interest in sex because of too much PMO.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2021
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    What is OP ?

    Thanks for anwer.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    OP = Original Poster = User who created this thread
  14. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Ok thanks Luke. I didn't know that.
  15. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Well, that really is the trick isn't it...
    You've known about Nofap since 2012. Same here. Well....?

    It's all fine and dandy to WANT to go 18 months hard mode. It's a rare breed that CAN do anything even remotely of the sort. It's also a rare breed that needs to, so I wouldn't go telling people they need that. Many people will be FUNCTIONAL after 3-5 months with some quick relapses (...not edging to gonzo compilations) mixed in there. And then the likely best bet is to cut your losses on the wanting to make up for lost time in a bang everything you can, stay single, extension-of-porn fantasy. Because, it leads to more porn. There's nothing wrong with that, IMO, but not fresh off a PIED inducing porn spree. It has the chance of keeping someone stuck in the PIED way longer than necessary. There needs to be more separation from the porn. The mentality has to change.
    The continued "love of porn" and wanting to "stay single" are intimately related ... and guess what's the next relation down this chain of shit? ... PIED ... You'll stay single alright, just not the way you had in mind.

    I realize this now. You have to cut your losses. My thinking was the same as yours. It didn't really work out. These guys in relationships will, IMO, generally be cured before the types of people like us. Because they likely won't relapse as much, or at all, because this other person is relying on them not to. No one is relying on us, so there is more chance of relapsing. And relapsing just doesn't make sense in that situation with some fresh meat sock (I jest) ....It's the guys that are years into relationships that have that problem. So that's not an issue.

    Like do you really want to spend the next 18 MONTHS of your life doing hard mode? ... Do a few months if one has the luxury, then go out, get a girlfriend, and spend the next 15 MONTHS with a girl, or multiple ones depending on how long they last, workout etc. ...By the end of that 18 months you're going to be more successful picking up the next women if you then choose to switch to a stay single, bang everything quest mode if you do what I just said rather than 18 soul crushing months of hard mode. And your dick will possibly be in the same ballpark of functionality. Because you won't make it through that 18 months without a number of relapses. I think the last 10 years of your life is enough proof of that.
    If you didn't successfully do the hardmode during this covid shit, then it likely ain't gonna happen different going forward.
    Get functional, not cured, get a woman, get laid sparingly, get cured slightly later....profit.

    You have to think about the implications to your mental and emotional health, social skills, enjoyment of life etc. of these two different pathways.
    -Luke- and Deleted User like this.
  16. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    This here. I've stayed out of this discussion because it is out of my expertise, but this is the biggest pattern I've seen in these situations, more so than anything else, including varying lengths of time.

    If you escalated in porn to always wanting to watch sex on a trampoline where sex was uninteresting if it didn't involve trampolines, you need to go hard mode and get that out of your head. If you're just dying to get out of hard mode so you can have sex again, is it because you're craving something real, or because you've been thinking about sex on trampolines this whole time? If you do quit your hard mode and go crazy having sex on trampolines then good for you, but the likelihood that the porn addiction (and PIED) comes back goes way up. It is a matter of self-examination that is really hard to do. Sure, if it is a matter of escalation that is obviously absurd like trampolines it will stand out like a sore thumb, but it isn't always that obvious. Sometimes it is a matter of subtle tone or flavor. Personally, I can tell the difference between real arousal and porn arousal at this point. Porn arousal gives me a weird, dark, sort of zombie mood (kinda like the "brain fog" phenomenon), regular arousal feels a bit brighter and social. Maybe other people have the same thing, maybe it is just me. I suspect most people can figure out at least something that will show them the difference.

    And honestly, the younger guys are when they start with porn, the harder that is because for some guys who show up here they have absolutely no idea what parts of their sex drive comes from porn habits and what didn't, even when it is painfully obvious to everyone else. It makes sense - if you were fapping to hardcore sex at an age prior generations were barely even noticing boobs, you have no life experience to tell you the difference. I don't doubt that the time lines vary wildly. Heck, there might not be any end of the road for someone if they never figure out how to stop porn from being their special waifu in their brains.
    -Luke- likes this.
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    I read his post ans his advice. Many Thanks. I will have in mind.
  18. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    Many Thanks. I read his post. I will have in mind his ideas.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @Doper: Great post!

    I found this forum in 2013 and made an account in 2014. In between I was not active for 3 or 4 years, but still read along from time to time. I have seen many people come and go and read many stories and journals.

    Here's a list of people I can remember who have gone 18 months hard mode:

    Yes, that's the list (and no, you don't have a problem with your eyes, the list is empty). Even guys like Gabe or fugu, who never watched porn again, found a girlfriend along the way and had sex.

    I'm not saying that 18 months or more hardmode is impossible for a porn addict. But winning the lottery isn't impossible either. Yet no one ever wins the lottery, even though millions of people try again and again week after week.
    Deleted User likes this.
  20. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    You brought a smile to my face with this post. Or rather: You made me laugh. Very good one. If you could imagine when I went looking for the list here in your post to find out who were those who made the 18 months in HARDMODE and I didn't find the said list. JAJAJAJAJA....:D:D....

    (I will send you a private message asking you about a case here of a person who has proposed three years in monk mode for your guidance. I would like to know an opinion from someone like you about it, since I consider you a person who knows about this matter).

    Maybe in my case, along the way, during these next 18 months I will discover or awaken in me the interest for some person (woman) before those 18 months are over. It is likely. However, those so-called 18 months is the time I have set for myself to leave behind the vice of watching porn. I would like porn to be left behind along with these times of confinement and a different 2023 awaits me in my life, and not only with respect to that, but with respect to study and work, goals and projects.

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