Personal log.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Sokolowski, Sep 27, 2015.

  1. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    I've decided to write a journal here as a tool to help keep me from PMO. That's seems to work for other people and reading their posts has been helping me the last week or so.
    First off a quick history. I am 28 and have been using porn since I was 13 or 14. Starting with pictures then those shitty 30 second clips, and of course paying and using bit torrent.
    My big problem comes with how long I am online watching. I can never finish quickly because no scene is ever good enough. I would usually spend hours late at night. 3 or 4 hours very regularly even when I know I have to be up early for work. Of course you can imagine how bad that feels the next day.
    This kind of behaviour started later in high school, which I look back at and feel is the reason I didn't get laid or even have a girlfriend in highschool. I always felt awkward around women and had a hard time talking to them. This led me to drink a lot of alcohol to help me loosen up, but that never really helped. That mostly just caused me to have a unhealthy drinking habit.
    However what really made me think that I might have a problem with porn was that eventually when I was able to get close enough to a woman I wasn't able to stay erect. After which I would jerk off to p and wouldn't have issues.
    It wasn't until 2 or 3 years ago that I discover YBOP and similar sites and tried to make a difference but it never really stuck. But I think this was because I didn't think there was anything wrong with p. I convinced myself so easily that it was OK as long as it was in moderation. But I don't have the will power and i now know that I have an addiction of full blown proportions.
    We'll that was a rambling intro from me.
    I plan to post here regular to keep myself away from p and post about my progress and my history a little more.
    Looking for some support and feedback from other so help a brother out.
    Also if anyone has suggestions for the best way to tame a smart phone these days I would really appreciate it.
    Cheers
     
  2. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    Oh and I guess I should mention that after tonight I will be at 9 days no PMO and feeling surprisingly decent, minus some minor feelings of depression earlier today
    Peace
     
  3. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    Welcome and may you do well!
     
  4. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    Thanks RoryMac

    Just going to give a quick update before bed. Moving onto day 11 tomorrow. This is a place I've been many times so I need to stay vigilant and make sure I don't slip up. In fact I almost had one today. I mindlessly happened upon some cosplay (costume play) pictures from a convention I was at over the weekend. Usually that would get me going to p but somehow today it didn't quite register and I quickly logged off to avoid any temptation. Close call in my books. This to me is my biggest challenge. Can I live in a connected world and be on social media and avoid temptation of p. At this point I don't think so. Hence why I've disabled facebook, I'm selling my computer, and my laptop will only be in my car so I can do work at coffee shops. Never at home where I can be alone.
    We'll see how well this plan works. Additionally I won't be distracted by the computer and won't be wasting anymore time. That is something that I wish to see most in addition to curing my ED; more clarity and focus on my career and life goals.

    Anyways, that's all for now. More tomorrow probably.
    Btw how do I get one of those fancy counters on the bottom of the screen?
     
  5. goldtiger

    goldtiger New Member

    If you want add your counter, look here http://pmo-tracker.appspot.com/
     
  6. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    Thanks goldtiger!

    Nothing much to report. Still going strong. Was in a really great mood for most of the day which is awesome. Tomorrow is day 12 which is as far as I got on my last reboot. 12 days seems to be my sticking point, not sure why, but it just means I have to be more vigilant.
    Will post more tomorrow.
     
  7. goldtiger

    goldtiger New Member

    You can try meditation to test your concentration, before going to bed at night. always, when I'm masturbating i can't clean my mind. Today is the third day my abstinence and and my concentration is better. I remember when i endured 15 days without ejaculation, my mood and conentrarion worked great.

    Check it!
     
  8. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    Meditation is something I've been meaning to start doing. I just never seem to make the time for it. Thanks goldtiger.

    Day 12 has gone by with no real temptation but I have not felt that great today. Despite having a good sleep last night I felt very tired all day, almost sleeping behind the wheel all day. Not good! This also made me feel pretty anti-social. I had free tickets to a hockey game and was going with a friend. This was something I looked forward to all week but the thought of going out and being among people really didn't appeal to me today. I was very tempted to bail on him however I've been realizing that the more time i spend alone at home the more likely I am to relapse. I also find I often don't want to be around people. That isn't who I want to be. In the end i went and had a good time.

    Socialization is something that I want to work on more during this time. I find that when I've been PMO'd a lot i seem to completely lack any social skills, same goes during the reboot phase. I can't seem to think of anything to talk about with people, especially women.
    I'm not completely clueless when it comes to talking to women as i have dated somewhat successfully in the last few years (more on that another day). But being around a beautiful woman and drawing a complete blank on what to say is frustrating. Because of this issue I'm abstaining from any dating right now. And in all honesty I'm good with that. In February I came out of a long term relationship with a woman I lived with. I thought the best way to move on would be to date sooner rather than later but I realized that my p problem would create roadblocks for me and that I really needed to focus on myself before I could try to share my life with someone else again. So right now as I try to remove p from my life and am also trying to remove other distractions from my life and focus more on physical, mental, and spiritual health. The rest of this year is about me and making sure am happy with the person I am.

    Anyways thats me spilling my guts to random strangers on the Internet for today. Thanks for having a read. Good night everybody!
     
  9. Jigar

    Jigar New Member

    I know the feeling. That tired, numb disconnect. I think it's a phase we need to just grind through.
     
  10. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    I've been too busy and tired to post the last few days but I'll throw a quick update here before I head to to work.
    So today is day 15 which I'm pretty proud of. Overall I don't feel much different but I did wake up with morning wood which hasn't happened in quite a while. I guess that's a positive sign.
    On the negative I had some p related dreams last night which threw me off, especially since they were from my deepest darkest recess' of my p addiction. Things that I don't want a part of me and i don't want to think about anymore.
    Also just woke up feeling really groggy today which probably isn't related but sucks. I hate that feeling. Unfocused and untested. That's not how you should feel after sleeping through the night.
    Anyways, going to hit the gym before work to clear my mind and make me feel better.
    Will try to update more consistently.
    Cheers
     
  11. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    Feeling like crap today. Didn't want to get out of bed. Just feel tired and worn out. Need to pull myself out of this slump. Don't know if this is even because of the no PMO just feels like I'm having a bad case of mondays. Doesn't help that I work Sundays I guess.
    Going to take a nap and then a hot shower to make myself feel better. Then I will attack the rest of my day with vigour!
     
  12. goldtiger

    goldtiger New Member

    Good Luck you're in a better way than I did :)
     
  13. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    Thanks goldtiger. Hang in there, you can make it through this to the end.

    So update from today. Still felt pretty miserable after having a nap. I'd say this is the first day I've felt a real change in my mood since I've started the nofap. Thankfully by the end of the day my mood improved. I think it was from being around people and being preoccupied with my work. I suppose that's one of the things people always mention helps with the process. Focusing on other more important things in life and less on how I'm feeling.

    I've been reading lots of other people's journals and going back and looking the must read articles posted by moderators. I find that reading what others are going through help remind me that I'm not the only one going through this struggle and that there is an end to it all. An end in the sense that I will get better with time. But I understand that I will still need to stay away from old habits which caused me to turn to p. I've very much realized over the years that I used p to self medicate for years. Any time I would feel down or lonely I would watch p for hours to get my mind off my feelings. Of course that was always a temporary relief and ended with me usually feeling worse about myself. That of course isn't anything new to any of you.
    Again I've somewhat rambled but making time to write my thoughts down helps to clear my mind. Thanks for listening.
     
  14. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    I can relate to this so much. In my PMO days, it was almost a daily battle to get out of bed and head to work. Until the first social contact, I used to be depressed but socializing at work or somewhere else lightened up my mood instantly. So, be aware of the origin of your bad/depressed thoughts. They are a result of a bad mood which can easily be fixed (if you don't have a clinical depression of course).

    "Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The Time will pass anyway." - Earl Nightingale

    I'm currently at day 36 of NO PMO and it feels like I've just begun a few days ago. In my perception time has passed really quickly. Thus, I've come to the conclusion that time is really your biggest ally in this. It will go on and on constantly and you don't need to really count the days or pay attention to them because they will pass on their own. And as soon as you realize, you will have accomplished to stay PMO free for 90 days or more. So make some mental notes that remind you to stay strong, prepare for urges and develop strategies to cope with them and by the end of the year, you will probably notice huge differences and benefits. You might be even fully recovered by then. If that isn't something to look forward to, I don't know what is. So keep up, I know you can!
     
  15. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    wojtek sokół, szczęśliwy człowiek
     
  16. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    Tańcz, idź w bal na bogato
     
  17. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    RoryMac I love that quote. Puts the whole reality of our situation into perspective. I don't intend to allow the slow passage of time to cause me to relapse. I've done that to many times before We can't speed up the passage of time but we can fill our time with meaningful activities.
    Nice work on the 36 days! Feels great getting further one day at a time. I appreciate all the support on your end.
    I've probably mentioned it before but know that other guys my age are going through the same thing as me makes it easier to cope. I still find it crazy how we all grew up falling into the same negative patterns.
    Anyways felt a lot better today. Had a great workout today. I felt great about myself and I think that shows. When I feel that confidence I notice I get more attention from women. That's a great feeling.

    That's all for today. I'll try to take more time this week and tell some more of my story, as this is not my first time going no PMO. More later. Cheers everyone
     
  18. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    Let's try I little more thorough update of how I've been feeling.
    I'm almost at 3 weeks which is great. I'm trying not to count the days and just let them flow by but having a counter just makes it a little more "fun". I don't know if that's the right word. It's a little extra motivation. Maybe it just give me a little tiny dopamine hit everyone I make an X on my calendar. I know I have a 90 day marker but my goal is for life so I may one day get rid of it.
    So at this point I don't feel very much different which is a little bit of a concern to me. Not because I don't think I'm making progress but because I'm dreading what may come.
    This is not my first time going this long. In fact I've gone for several months when I was with my ex. (More about that some other day) But everyone I go that long I end up in a week long slump of some of the worst depression. And that always seems to come after a month or more. I'm not really looking forward to that. Maybe it'll be different this time. Before I was in school which is just depressing in general so maybe I won't get hit so hard.
    On the positive side of this I've been feeling less anxiety. I tend to get random bouts of anxiety that can last a day or weeks sometimes. I think that in the last few weeks I've had very little if any anxiety. I've even been better at handling new situations. I'm not talking about social anxiety either. I mean unexplainable, out of the blue, brain foggy, feel like the sky is going to fall on my head anxiety which keeps me from being able perform properly as a human being.
    Something going I wish was different however is my short term memory. I always have ideas of things I need to do before bed and quickly forget them because I don't write it down. I wish those important little things would just stick in my head better hehe. Maybe with time.
    I picked up the book Slight Edge since it was highly recommended by many people here and read the introductory chapter. Even just that intro made sense. Making sure to do the little things that we take for granted, that make us better, each day consistently. Like reading a motivational book for 10 minutes. Or writing a journal about my recovery from p addiction. Looking forward to reading the rest of the book.

    Well that's all for tonight. I'm sure there were somethings I wanted to write about but forgot so maybe tomorrow I'll remember more.
    Anyways. Cheers. Thanks for reading and for any feedback.
     
  19. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    It's been a busy few days but I'll give a quick update this morning.
    I've been having sexual dreams more often. Woke up to one a couple days ago. It's difficult not to just act on it and finish myself off but I managed to avoid that which is good.
    Secondly yesterday I had to social events I went to in the evening. House party at my sisters and a party with work friends. I managed to attend both but I found myself to be really brain dead socially. In a group I could somewhat participate in the conversation, especially around the guys, but when it came to making 1 on 1 conversation I could not for the life of me think of anything. It feels like I forgot how to talk to people. It's not the instructions time this has happened and I hate it. This is incredibly frustrating since at my sisters party there was one friend of hers I'm really attracted to, also the only single one. Talk to her a little but I definitely don't think I've made any impression on her. But maybe next time, end of November she is planning another party. My on consolation in that situation is that I didn't try to force conversation to much so I don't think I seemed as desperate as I felt lol.
    Anyways thats all for today.
    Cheers
     
  20. Sokolowski

    Sokolowski New Member

    It's been hard to update regularly since I don't make much time in the day but I've still been reading other people's blog entries daily and trying to leave comments when I feel I have something to input.
    Overall I've been feeling pretty good. No real complaints but no real huge improvements yet. But really I'm just happy I'm not wasting hours of my day on p.
    I've woken up a few times with some morning wood accompanied by sequel thoughts. Some minor urge to M but I'd rather not do that. The longer I can abstain the better my recovery will be, or so I believe.
    I've had some minor P flashbacks lately and also have been noticing the other sexual imagery anywhere I go. That is another thing I'm trying to avoid.
    Overall I still feel like I'm in a flatline since I've had no real sexual desire which I can live with right now. However I miss being close to a woman, just holding her. Maybe sometime soon I can begin to start dating and do some rewiring.
    That's all for today. I should have more time tomorrow.
    Thanks for reading and good luck to everyone on their journey.
     

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