Perpetual recovering....

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ClaudeBolling, Apr 14, 2018.

  1. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Ok. Been recovering since 2016 when i joined. Every time i make changes to habits, sites, images i save, methods I used, fetishes I seem to involuntarily get new ones. That is how creative the WWW is, and me. Threw away my previous porn collection, obviously built up a better and more advanced new one over time. That I deleted last week. My new channel is chat rooms. No more images, just chatting. That is also no better either since I'm edging the whole day.
    How i feel: exhausted, dizzy, headaches. I honestly feel sick. Not mentally, OK yes that too. but I cant pinpoint it, its a tired sick somethings wrong chemically inside me feeling. My cock is a s limp as a tropical plant in a desert thats been without water for a month. Erections are few and far between. If you call them erections. they come and go quickly. Had sex the first time this year with my wife and that was over in 5 sec with a limp dick. Porn sites don't have what it takes to interest me anymore, i need really good stuff, stuff that feeds my fetish and desires.
    Cheers until later.
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I felt like that for years, it takes time and effort to regain your health from PMO addiction.
  3. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    That is the key word: "Effort". Conscious effort and commitment and persistence. Maybe it was commitment that I lacked before and the conscious effort that was thin.

    I'm glad the site is up again. Got a shock yesterday.;)
    NCBob likes this.
  4. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Can you believe it. 2 days it says on my "Meeting my goals". It's a milestone for me. Worked super hard today. Did new things the whole time. The worst part is I am on my PC the whole day, working on websites. So the temptation is like a click away and nobody will notice, I am too savvy for anyone around me. But tonight I made it. After work I worked in the garden, note to members, I work from home so i can go on till late at night without leaving office.

    I have the perfect setup for an underground hc porn user.
  5. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Awesome, 3 days now. Its early today and I am getting a sweet taste in my mouth. That is not good. I know its an ominous sign. I really need to get 7 days behind my back.

    Someone said the first 3 days are the toughest early on. The only way to not focus on my urges is to start new projects and things at work.
    40New30 likes this.
  6. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Awesome, counter says 6 days and it is. Been focusing on more new projects and working flat-out. No porn so far.
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Yes, "Effort" is the key word, ClaudBolling.

    This is where I struggle. Without a concious, committed, and persistent effort over time, I will continue to go in circles. I need to put forth enough effort to escape the PMO "gravitational" field and find a new and more fulfilling orbit somewhere else.

    Thanks for the reminder:)
  8. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Day 9: I can push through to double digits :). Strange that I have no serious urges to go back to PMO. I have some fantasies but they go away quickly. My dick is a complete floppy. havnt had an erection during the night for a while.

    Curious thing though. I sometimes feel "horny", not sure what the word is that I must use. How do you make the distinction between being naturally "horny" and a craving for dopamine. I wonder if we often confuse the two, thinking we are horny but in the meantime we crave a fix. Anyway just a thought.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're bang on. During the first 18 months I would sit with that ridiculous energy. The body is confused. It wants the dopamine fix and will do anything to get it. I hated the feeling, but was afraid for it to go away lest I feel like I had no libido. But, it eventually subsides and there is no doubt what real horny is. It takes time but is SO worth it.

    Great job on getting to 9 days!
  10. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Day 10: double digits. Thanks Saville for the comment. Really appreciate it. I promise i was on thin ice this afternoon. THIN ice. I was soooooooooooo close going off to one of my sites. You just don't know (and I do know all u guys out there understand how close :)). But I made it. never touched porn today. DOUBLE DIGITS. WTF. Next target is 20.
    Squire and Saville like this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    SWEET!! :D
  12. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    However you look at it, this is progress. Keep up the good work and avoid letting complacency creep in. Please don't make the same mistake that many of us do and assume that abstinence = recovery. Sure, it's a big part, but hopefully you're working on other stuff too (e.g. self improvement). You mentioned you've been working on other projects too so that's a step in the right direction.
    Squire likes this.
  13. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Yeah, so it goes
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Change it up, bro'. No defeat on this forum. Post more often. In fact, post every day so that every day, whether you fall or rise, you create a foundation in your heart to truly be rid of P. You can do it!
    Squire likes this.
  15. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Thank you very much. I will.
    Saville likes this.
  16. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Hey dude,

    It's SUPER HARD to control PMO with an unfiltered computer, so making it a week or 10 days is a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT. Very good job developing self-control!

    Right now your counter says "1 day." So you have proven you can do what it takes to overcome PMO. You can go one day. Now do that again. And again. And again. That's how you go PMO free. You already know how to do it.

    When going even one more day seems impossible, change your goal to 2 hours. You can definitely do that. That's easy. When you reach 2 hours, post here in your journal, celebrate, and set a new goal of 4, and so on. Set the goal really low and give yourself the dopamine hit of reaching abstinence goals and celebrating them with us.

    Since your job involves working from home . . . can you take that on the road and work from a coffee shop or library? If so, you could have your office hours there, with your computer turned where people can see it when they pass by. How about setting some definite office hours and don't allow work to go on and on and blend in with personal life. Set up parental controls on your computer so internet does not work after a certain hour. Make a complicated password and keep it someplace away from your house. Like at your parents' house or a friends' house, hidden in a book or something. So you have to go to some planning and trouble to go get it.

    Have you explored the reasons you use PMO? It's a kind of medication, a self-soothing. What are you medicating? That's the thing to work on. PMO is just a symptom. For me it is medication for anxiety. And anxiety comes from feelings of fear and inadequacy. And those feelings come from persistent memories from childhood and the anger I feel toward my mother. So instead of working just on PMO, I've been working on those root issues. It's painful and difficult, but I feel like I'm making progress for the first time.

    Best wishes to you. Please keep posting. Don't lose heart. We are here for you, we understand, and no one judges you. Post and post and post, even if you fall down a thousand times. We will help you up a thousand times. We're not going anywhere.
    Last edited: May 8, 2018
  17. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Squire, wow thank you very much for your amazing words. It truly helps.

    Got to 2 days and I feel good. I think over confidence crept in and I felt I was indestructible :). I was not. Now I know that. I will take heed.

    I work from home. Have two Internet based businesses and run 6 websites. All my own. I cannot remove myself from office. At least I have turned by screen showing towards people entering the room. So I cannot see who is watching. :)

    My reasons for PMO is very difficult to pinpoint. I think i was exposed to porn too early, about the age of 7, then it always stayed in my mind, lingering. Otherwise I cannot see I have issues. But my attraction to certain types of porn I think could be genetic in a way as I have always felt like that. That I discovered when I was about 8-9. I know it sounds weird.

    Anyway, thanks for all those writing back, it is highly appreciated.
  18. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    It's generally to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. Sure, in some cases it may be arousal but more often than not, we are doing it to self medicate.
  19. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    What are the times you do it? For me it is usually in the evening or on weekends, never during the work day. PMO often becomes more tempting during unstructured times, so I benefit from making a detailed schedule for myself and sticking to it. What is happening immediately before you give in to PMO? Are you bored? Hungry? Tired? Feeling frustrated? Feeling inadequate or overwhelmed? Happy and wanting to celebrate how great you feel? These kinds of questions may help you start to pinpoint what you're medicating with it.
  20. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Worked flat out today. Survived :).
    Squire likes this.

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