Path of Success: A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Zeezee, Aug 17, 2021.

  1. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    There isn't much to say as I am not new this. I know the drill. I have been on NoFap (the site) for more than a year and because I needed a new start, I moved to this place. Whilst my idea was to leave the forum completely, I realised that I needed some safe place, some recovery group. Public accountability is crucial for recovery from any addiction in my opinion. Credits to my AP for recommending me this website.

    A place where no one knows me and I don't know anyone. A place where I can focus on myself without having to deal with people I don't want to deal with.

    Like a blank canvas, I shall fill these pages with whatever colors I like. With strokes of hope and inspiration, with the aim growth. Alone, but not alone. With my reliance upon Allah (swt) alone...

    I embark on this new journey in the name of my Lord, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful.

    بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
     
  2. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    Day 0: Starting Afresh

    Alright. First thing's first. There's a lot going on in my head so I need to get it out before I can actually get some stuff done. The next few days are going to be hard because of chaser effect and all. Because for the first time in almost 1.4 years, I had a proper proper relapse last night. Kind of went on a binge. Thankfully, it only lasted 24 hours.

    This is the point where I must remind myself that yeah, it was a bad 24 hours, but they cannot take away all those days of progress. Yes, I feel weak, vulnerable and almost like the 2020 March Zee but I am so not that person anymore. This is the point when I have to remember that I have come a far way and no way I can give up now. The urges are strong and my brain's coming up with all sorts of justifications to do it 'one last time' which is exactly what led to all that binging. Not falling for that trap again.

    But this is not my brain talking. This is the addict part talking. This is the good old PMO monster that I, very unfortunately, allowed to have power over me and every single time I gave in, it became stronger. The temptations are strong, not gonna lie. But no. I cannot and will not relapse. That's not the person I want to be.

    Then what kind of person do I want to be?

    The one that isn't a hypocrite, who doesn't live this double life. The one that lives life and welcomes its challenges with open arms. The kind of person who is more courageous than afraid. One who doesn't let discomfort get in the way of success and growth.

    And for that, there's two key aspects that I strongly need to focus and work on.

    1- Discipline
    2- Consistency

    It's because of the lack of these two that I am in this position. It's hardly been over a week since university ended and I have been so busy with family stuff. The moment I got a chance to be with myself, I didn't know how to deal with all that discomfort. I had already lost that discipline because I suddenly had too much time in my hands.

    The real challenge is now to establish discipline and consistency in my routine. To develop a structure and stick to it for the sake of my recovery and progress. To gain a solid control over my nafs. To not listen to the voices of PMO and procrastination monsters.

    Here's a tiny list of things I am struggling with and want to get a grip on asap:
    1. Obsessively checking my phone.
    2. Losing focus every 2 ms as a result of which I keep checking my phone or taking unnecessary breaks.
    3. Watching useless stuff on YouTube.
    4. Procrastination (links to the other stuff).
    5. Laziness.
    6. Unwillingness to do any chores.
    7. Checking the other site (to see if M has been active or not) and logging in on here repeatedly for no reason.
    8. Struggling with the emotions of loneliness. That's because I left the other site and I definitely miss it a lot. But that's the thing. I need to stick to this forum now. I have to make this change.
    9. Feeling lazy with prayers.
    10. Too much screen time (again, links back to other stuff).
    Here's what I need to do right now:
    • Get my cupboards organised. I started this task so many hours ago and it wasn't supposed to take this long at all but I am still not done with it because of the breaks, losing focus etc.
    • Pray and recite Quran.
    • Get some class planning done.
    • Pray and sleep.
    As for the things listed above, I will probably write a proper plan of action tomorrow. Right now, let's get back to work, Zee. Especially as you have gotten all this out of your head.

    Bye.
     

    Attached Files:

  3. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    Day 1: Missing Piece

    It feels super weird to be on here. It feels really alone actually. But that's how I have been feeling for quite some time now and I am not sure how to deal with it. Plus, it's dead/empty on here.

    I checked the site multiple times which means I broke my own rules. I checked M's profile as well multiple times. Honest to God, why do I do it? What good will it bring? Clearly, I have some weird OCD about it. I am not sure how to overcome this issue except discipline myself on not doing it. I have to keep reminding myself who I am doing this for. I have a hard time following my own rules. Sigh.

    I downloaded some focus apps to help me focus and get tasks done rather than procrastinating them. Especially in order to avoid scrolling on my phone instead of working. It worked to some extent. Alhamdulillah.

    Before I address all that I said in the last post, I shall discuss how my day went.

    I woke up super late (around 1:30 p.m.). That's because I went to bed super late (after Fajr).
    I wasn't able to prepare that well for the meeting. But honestly, even if I had, I wouldn't have been able to devise a plan like I did with B. The meeting went well in the sense that by the end of it, I was clear about what I had to do. But it went bad, because none of the ideas were mine. B had to walk me through every little thing and I am pretty sure she is somewhat disappointed in me. Even if she isn't, I am. I felt super dumb throughout the entire thing. My mind just went blank.

    It's funny though because I know I am not that dumb lol. I know I have the capability to analyse, devise a plan and strategise when it's needed. But I am not sure why when it comes to the classes, I am a complete failure at the whole planning thing. I think it's the pressure of being in that position of making decisions. It's the pressure of responsibility. I don't work well under pressure at all.

    Truth is, I am unhappy with the way things are going in my life right now. My routine, schedule, lack of physical activity, lack of reading and disconnection from the Quran, the responsibility of the classes... everything. I am unhappy. And I know, a lot of these things are in my control. I can change it around and In Shaa Allah I will. But then, my heart isn't in my control. It's like I am constantly longing for something but I don't know myself what it is.

    Oh wow, I got my answer. My heart isn't in my control but it's in Allah's control isn't? And that's exactly what I need to do. Ask Him to connect my heart to whatever it needs. To help me find and reach that missing puzzle piece that's making me feel this way.

    Another major problem: Fantasizing.
    I remember how back in June last year, I had done a great job at avoiding fantasizing at all costs. I have tried over and over again to trace back how I was able to overcome this problem. And I genuinely believe that it was because I was happy with who I am and everything around me was. It's not that life was perfect back then, it's just that I was happy. And I was making an effort and doing things that made my heart happy. Now that I think of it, this was probably the number one reason behind my relapse. Feeling unhappy with my life.

    Now a days, I just feel too lazy to do anything. But that needs to really change. I will be fasting tomorrow so it's going to be another lazy day. I am pretty sure I will sleep late as well. I need to set my bullet journal first. By the way, I felt like I experiences some brain fog today. The relapse combined with laziness really just shut my brain. Urges are pretty non-existent but the urge to escape is still there.

    Alright so, here's the POA for the next few hours (Plan of Action)
    • Pray
    • Set up journal
    • Message AP about today's progress
    • Sleep (ONLY a few hours)
    Bye.
     
    Krebs likes this.
  4. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    The Matter of Heart

    29th Aug, Sun.

    So much has happened over the past two days. So much has changed over the past week. On the surface, everything is the same but on the inside, my world has been shifted a little.

    The matter of heart still remains a mystery to me.

    Positives:
    • To have the last of the strings of attachment broken. A sense of freedom from the past.
    • Crossing paths with a wonderful human being.
    • Passing, and pretty much acing, all my last semester's exams.
    • Sober. Clean. Healthy. Alhamdulillah.
    • It rained. Loads. It made me feel alive.
    • Took a leap of faith.
    Negatives:
    • Emotionally draining past two days. Crying myself to sleep. Sadness.
    • Saying goodbye to so many people. My uni friends, the people I met on nf and to... FallingPetals.
    But the negatives are not really negative. Although painful, it had to be done. For my sake, for his sake. For preventing him or any other person from more harm. I have been the source of pain and sadness for enough people already. I do not want to do it again.

    Bye.
     
  5. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    Lost Innocence

    30th Aug, Mon.


    I messed up big time.

    I relapsed this morning. Not only that, I crossed a line that I swore I would never cross in my life. It feels like I have hit a new kind of rock bottom.

    It's so ironic though because just two days ago, I was saying goodbye to other people, telling them how much I have recovered from this addiction yada yada yet not only did I relapse, I stooped down to a whole other level this time. Doing something I promised myself I would never do.

    Is there even a point in discussing how I feel? How disgusted and terrible I feel about myself. Another small part of my innocence lost. Gone. Isn't that what PMO does to you? It only steals away from you your time, energy, self-awareness, discipline, the goodness in your heart, your innocence, your faith, your ability to think and feel, your willingness to grow and step out of your comfort zone. It only takes and takes and takes away from you until you are left with nothing.

    I feel exhausted in this moment. Don't know if it's the brain fog or the super draining intense crying session I had in the morning. I feel really dead and empty.

    Why did I do it?

    Honestly, it felt like a self-destructive move. As if, doing something like this would reduce my worth. Or maybe, I was trying to prove that I am not worth it. As if, I wanted to prove that I am not good enough. That I don't deserve him, or anybody else. As if, this would make it easy to give up on that attachment or idea of having someone as amazing as him in my life. As if, now it has become easier to let go. To say, ah it happened for the best. He deserves someone better, much better. If he were to find out about what I did, it would be easier to let go. It scares me... my own darkness, my tendencies to fall so low... they scare me.

    No. I am not a beautiful flower. I am a damaged flower and I am glad I am not part of your garden because I would have destroyed its beauty as well. You deserve someone much better.
     
  6. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    Gaining Clarity

    31st Aug, Tue.


    Alright alright alright.

    Feeling much more clear and focused in the head. A lot going through my mind so need to address it asap.

    This is exactly what was going through my head when I chose to relapse. On the surface, this is what happened but on the back-end, we all know that it's the addicted part of brain trying to rationalise PMO. So, whilst this way of thinking in that moment was intense and managed to weaken my resolve to not PMO, it holds no meaning in reality. It was a deception - just so I could justify relapsing. It is not the truth and it doesn't make sense. Because that's what the addiction does to you, no? It creeps up from behind and preys on your vulnerabilities. Now that the cloud has been lifted off my mind, re-reading this makes me feel nothing like I was feeling in that moment. It was actually a pretty dumb way of thinking. Unfortunate that it happened, but it's in the past and cannot be undone.

    It is true that I had been feeling unhappy as I said in my posts earlier. But I wasn't feeling unhappy because of the lack of presence of my heart and mind in the present, it was the strings of past preventing me from moving fully forward. And he... he made me happy. He made me feel something I had thought I would never feel again. In the short amount of time I was talking to him, I forgot about the past. It surprised me how I would not be thinking about the past when talking to him. I had been stuck on the same thing for so long now (a year!) that it almost seemed abnormal to not be thinking about it. With him, the last of the strings were broken.

    It's as if Allah showed me a glimpse of the possibilities of what He has in store for me, that my mind cannot imagine even if it wanted. Whilst I was not meant to walk through the door and that door closed before it was even fully opened, just a glimpse of that possibility was enough to help me get over the past.

    As for processing and dealing with what happened over the past few days... I have cried it all out. It rained a beautiful rain on Sunday morning and I stayed under that rain until I was done crying and felt lighter. A few more random burst of emotions later, I feel better Alhamdulillah.

    The weather has been pretty awesome lately. It's less hot and it's been raining a lot. I went on the rooftop yesterday with a cup of tea and spent some time there in solitude. Something that I had been running away from… My soul needed it! I hadn't done it in a few months so yeah, it was refreshing. But more than, solitude in God’s company allows me to straighten my priorities. It always helps in reminding myself of my asal.

    To Him we Belong, and to Him we shall Return.

    Now that I am somewhat past that emotional rollercoaster, I realized this is also another pattern that I need to be aware of. It’s when I am about to have a ‘fresh start’. We are starting over again so let’s just fall fully before we get back up and take control of our life again. Just another excuse – just another deception I need to be aware of.

    Now… a final reminder to my forgetful self

    I started on this journey alone and I shall continue on it on my own. People come and leave which is why it’s so important to not centre my life around people or anything that is temporary but around Allah alone - the ever present.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2021
  7. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    Quick random post which I will probably edit later but I feel like the most useless human being on planet earth atm

    i am struggling SO BADLY with laziness and procrastination and just doing anything and my routine is a mess and I do not want to turn to the support of any other being except Allah (swt) and I am sooooooo tired of myself and these stupid shackles that are holding me back from reaching my true potential


    All I want to do is not do anything and hide away. Build up my own world where its just me and nobody else.

    Escape escape escape. All I want to do is escape.
     
  8. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    Relapse Domain

    4th Sept, Sat.


    Guess who relapsed.

    Sigh.

    These days have been challenging. Very very challenging in terms of urges. I have had very intense urges almost every single night since my last relapse. Chaser combined with zero levels of productivity and a messy routine... plus me not following any of my rules especially my night time rules. It hasn't been a clean streak at all because my mind has been constantly fantasising and I have made absolutely no efforts in controlling my thoughts. I may not have been PMO-ing but I have definitely fed my brain with garbage content 24/7 (fantasising plus excessive YouTube) and of course, if input=garbage then output is also = garbage.

    I am really really tired of myself at the moment. I need to get out of my head asap. My munchkin's coming over tomorrow and that's definitely going to help In Shaa Allah. But oooof! I am sick and tired of my situation.

    Truth is, this is an entirely new kind of domain for me. Having just graduated, I don't have uni anymore which used to be the number one reason I had structure in my life. Whilst I just started an internship, that is also online and there aren't any strict routine or deadlines that I need to worry about. As much as I hate deadlines, they DO help me in keeping up with my work. It's not even about deadlines, it's the lack of structure mainly.

    Moreover, I don't leave the house at all. There is no reason to leave the house. Again, university helped with that. That change of environment is so freaking crucial for me to keep myself sane. It gives me space, exposure and a break from the boring and mundane routine at home.

    Now, I do have these weekly classes and although they help a little bit, they also add an immense amount of pressure which results in stress and procrastination. In fact, for the past two days, it's this pressure that has led to procrastination and escapism. Just yesterday, I found out that I wouldn't be conducting these classes and I suddenly felt so relieved and motivated to do productive.

    So what does that lead me to? That leads me to the conclusion that I need to find an activity that makes me happy. It should be rewarding and exciting and preferably something that makes me leave my house on a regular basis. Something that will help me get out of this rut so that I can work on my internship and weekly classes. I will have to figure something out for myself asap so that at least September goes well.

    26 days, Zee. All you have to do is stay clean for the next 26 days.

    I shall not lose. I will not lose. I will not give up, In Shaa Allah.
     
  9. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    Relapsed to PMO
    felt awful
    Dek why i did it
    More on it later
    Off to sleeping
     
  10. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    Saviour

    15th Sept, Wed.


    I feel tired.

    I feel mentally drained. I have relapsed so badly (happened again last night) and I have pretty much binged for two days straight.

    I am, however, feeling stable and okay in the moment. I really need to get back to journaling.

    I talked to my AP and told her about my relapses. She said:

    This is not good.... To get the real inspiration, we don't have to revisit our rock bottom...
    You said, you touched the lowest point back then... Don't have to do it again...

    And here's what I said:

    I know
    I didnt do it for inspiration
    But there’s definitely a lack of it. Again, not making excuses or anything
    I have gone lower this time
    I don’t understand why exactly but I have gone lower
    It’s low-key the stress, anxiety and pressure of starting the weekly classes combined with the constant uncertainty of the direction my life is going in.
    The more I have relapsed, the more intense the anxiety and stress have become.
    But sooner or later I have to face my responsibilities
    There is no other way and there is no running away
    There is no escape or turning my back on the future
    I still have to go through it. I still have to walk through the steps of life no matter how big or small they are

    It is however in my hands, how I choose to walk through them
    Do I let myself be dragged through them, tied up in the shackles of sin, shame, guilt or do I walk through them freely and confidently, and face all challenges heads on?
    Considering I have been sort of stuck in the relapse cycle, I cannot trust my brain to make the right choices for now
    So I have to do what I did right in the beginning of my recovery. I have to make myself believe that there is no other choice except the latter one. It is the ONLY way.

    It’s my journey. It’s MY path of success. And only I can make myself do the right thing. I have to be my own saviour. There isn’t a knight in shining armour coming to save me. I have to be my own saviour.

    I am my own saviour.

    Positives:
    • Getting some stuff done over that past two weeks.
    • Taking a step out of my comfort zone today.
    • Went out for a super short walk.
    • Had a meeting.
    Negatives:
    • Too much family drama last night.
    • Crying myself to sleep.
    • Feeling emotionally drained.
    • Why does this website have so little privacy?
    Bye.
     
  11. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I have gone too far to come back.

    That is a lie. Yet another deception that I must be aware of.
     
    SmithSmithy likes this.
  12. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    Hey, have you found activity to help you leave the house by the way (walking, exercise, hobby thing, etc)? Only asking because think that environment affects mental state.
    Definitely agree it is not over
     
    Zeezee likes this.
  13. Zeezee

    Zeezee New Member

    {Journal Day 171: Reliving March }

    21st Sept, Tue.


    @SmithSmithy Yes and no. I do know that I love going out for walks. They help me SO much! But I haven't gone out for a single walk since months. This is a good reminder that I should leave the house today. But honestly, I feel scared. Going out for a walk was such a huge part of my recovery last year and I am afraid that what if it doesn't work out this time?

    I am tired. I am sick and tired of my state. I have turned into a PMO zombie and it breaks my heart to know that I was doing so well just over a month ago and look at me now. I need to forgive myself and let go of the shame and guilt as it is only adding fuel to the fire. I don't need more negative emotions on my plate to escape from.

    I am looking for some work or a short course I can study for a few months. Something that can help me have some structure in my life and maintain a good sleep schedule. Waking up late in the afternoon makes me feel like crap and it affects my family life. I know for a fact that my dad hates it when I wake up late and it makes it difficult for me to face him every day. I know it disappoints him. It makes me run away from my family. It's crucial for me to spend some quality family time and to be there for my parents. Then of course, when I wake up late, I go to bed late. When I go to bed late, I end up relapsing and so, the cycle continues.

    Then there is added guilt of all the responsibilities I run away from every time I relapse. Most of all, how I run away from Allah.

    I need alone time. I need to spend some time outside and reflect on my state. I need solitude in nature. I need to connect with myself and with Allah. And most of all, I need to forgive myself for falling so hard.

    Bye.
     

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