Passage way to Freedom

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mirier, Apr 23, 2012.

  1. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,
    Well done reaching day 16 of no PMO.
    I would have never believed it but I'm gaining confidence that this process of rebooting is really effective.
    When reading your journal, it seems your focus has indeed shifted for the better.
  2. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Thanks guys for the comments.


    I'm glad you took 'non-plused' the way you did although you did so in a more positive way than I intended. This time of year for whatever reason I tend to struggle with what has been described as spring seasonal affective disorder which is just to say that I typically feel tired and exhausted during the later spring months which makes it hard to stay focused and motivated on doing things. Anyhow, it goes away in the summer. So my 'non-plused' was tinged with this tiredness.

    But I will say that regardless of that, I feel pretty good about my mental state. One thing I've noticed with this condition of mine is that I will tend to find addictive ways to feel better and normal. Like my coffee or alcohol consumption can go up. And I tend to snack much more often. Or I might watch porn. Just anything that I am willing to sell myself that promises an effortlessly good time. To make this feeling go away (which of course they don't).

    The good news is that I haven't turned to PMO during this time. I put away the coffee. My drinking is minimal (my snacking is way up, however). And the force of internet porn is not compelling. In fact right now I have a bit of that urge (in a physical sense) but I'm not biting. When I look at the physical sensation that's all it is a physical sensation. It actually doesn't seem to care whether I pmo or not. It's like the old 'if then' statement. If alone and tired and possibly glum then check out porn and masturbate. Whether I do so or not is not of interest to the sensation itself.

    I have also imagined this feeling as the calling of a demon. At first I imagine the demon wanting to mess with me but only because that's its nature, that actually they are as bored with this pmo pattern as I am. I think they are just hoping beyond hope that I get through this so they can be set free of this train-wreck of an addiction as much as me.

    Also, Gettingthere,

    I agree. My confidence in the reboot process is growing stronger. As the days pass and as I pass through experiences that I know previously I would have relapsed with I definitely become more confident that this addiction is something of the past. Even something that I can someday look upon as a tremendous learning experience and something that is an invaluable part of the process of me being a healthy, balanced individual.

    So I'll just write it for sake of completion
    Day 17 - no PMO
  3. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 18 - No PMO

    The last two days have been easy and nice. Although last night I had a return of dreams that included various fantasies some porn-related some not. My thoughts went a bit of the way into considering porn but I refrained. One slip can start quite a chain reaction. Honestly though two thoughts helped counteract these urges - (1) I knew I don't have much of an opportunity due to web protection on my computer and phone and (2) I couldn't bear the thought of starting the reboot over.

    Perhaps in the grand scheme of things these are pretty weak reasons to stay away from PMO but then again they are better than the reasons I regularly accepted in order to engage in PMO.

  4. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 19 - No PMO

    I'm feeling good about my progress. Some days are a little more challenging than others but that's what I'd expect. One thing I expected is that I would be more social for no other reason than I wouldn't feel like turning down opportunities because either I wanted to look at porn or I felt guilty for having looked at porn. But I realize now there is another effect happening. I am much more open to make social occasions happen. It seems like no big deal. I think this is another effect of the changes I'm undergoing. It's not just confidence but actually a desire to want to go do things. I think I not only was feeling a lack of confidence in myself for engaging in actions I knew was damaging me but now I know that part of that damage was that I felt like a worthless person, a person of no value. And so not only would I be reluctant to go do something but I would be reluctant to want so make something happen. Now I find myself calling people up and making plans (this I simply was not doing). It's very different and encouraging.

  5. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 20 - No PMO

    Hey digits that don't start off with a 1, brilliant! Although I look forward to the return to 1 by way of 100.

    I want to say that reading all of these journals are just amazing and helpful. They keep me inspired and honest about my approach. Today I feel pretty good. I don't have any cravings for porn or masturbation, so that's encouraging.
  6. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    3 weeks - no PMO.

    Feeling very positive about the progress made. Over a third way through the number I originally stated for my reboot (60 days). Even then I knew that that number was a bit low by many of the accounts mentioned here because honestly I didn't have much confidence getting even 30 days when I'd only accomplished double-digits a handful of times and those were all low double-digits (like 10-15 days). Now at 21 days I feel very confident of getting well past 60 days. But I feel a need to maintain the same level of vigilance now as I have throughout this process. That this process isn't over that rewiring is still taking place. I don't wish to relapse even though I will have learned lot and would simply get up and begin again. Given that, much better than beginning again is simply staying clear of porn and opening myself up to a new life organized around things which matter to me.

  7. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,
    Good job reaching day 22. (I'm on day 69 so there is hope for you considering what a schlepp I've been.)
    Anyway, I'm experiencing the good thing you did socially.
    I am actually opening up to people.
    Today I had breakfast with 3 other friends and it was very relaxing.
    Be well,
  8. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    25 days free of porn.

    These last few days have gone by fairly easily. There are times, however, like last night that were a little tricky. I think what happens is that I was a little tired and a little bit like wanting something nice for myself. At any rate, there was this low siren calling that wasn't really very loud or intense but it was there. While it was happening I was reflecting that often my indulgences were from this type of urge. I can even remember how once I would decide to view porn how my mind would shift so as to not let any other thoughts enter (thoughts like, don't do this). There would be a kind of focus on just accomplishing this one thing. It had a possession like quality to it.

    It helped also that I have web protection. In the process I remembered that and that took the edge off. I actually don't think I would have looked at PMO but I also am uncertain enough by that statement that I took solace that I would be generally unable to view any porn (or at least not easily).

    These I find are good reminders that I am still in a process. It's also a good reminder that I am gaining practice and experience of having urges that don't result in PMO.

    I don't know how long I'll continue to have such urges and truly I'm not sure it matters very much. I don't think its nearly so important what sort of things arise in my mind so much as what I do with them. Also, having been on internet porn for over 20 years its an incredible statement about our brains and minds that they can be reworked enough that in even 90 or 100 days we can manage these experiences successfully.

    One sidenote. A friend of mine came back from a vacation and we chatted and we hugged and it got me thinking. Obviously she thinks well of me and likes me. From this I reflected that in the past if I felt someone thought well of me or liked me I would automatically think - well, if you knew the whole truth, and I'm not as good as you think. But this time that wasn't there. I was simply left with the feelings of well-being. I think these sort of events are subtle but they happen all the time and are accumulative. These little moments which reinforce our perceptions of ourselves and here I saw that instead of me reinforcing the sense that at the core I was disgusting and addicted to porn; I reinforced the sense that at the core I'm well-liked and striving for a better future.

    A step forward.

  9. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,
    Keep stepping forward. You're becoming an inspiration for me.
  10. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    No, no, Gettingthere. When I see you've gone 70+ days - that's an inspiration. I've not been over two months with porn in decades. But thanks, I appreciate the support.
  11. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 26 - No PMO

    Last night was interesting. While sleeping I had a sexual fantasy involving someone that I already know that I have feelings for. The thing is I was semi-lucid about this dream and could have stopped it and decided not to. I think that a part of me thought - this might turn into a trigger, but another part said - look, you are expressing how you feel about this person, someone you care about - that's not porn. At anyrate, as I think about it I realize that my relationship with expressing myself sexually and porn have been so wrapped up in each other that it would be hard to know where one is and the other is not.

    But with this dream - having been porn free for nearly a month I felt my mind was beginning to separate the two and I wanted to give it that chance. So I didn't fight this dream. The one caveat is that being in a reboot I did cut off this dream before organism (dream or otherwise).

    So I don't mean to say that am encouraging fantasies at night or that this is how such a separation must play itself out but I did feel grateful that I could replay a sexual experience without the guiding principles of porn being present. Or even having the thought afterwords that well, I must be horny so I must look at porn and masturbate for relief. That this could have its own beauty, if you will and get to be its own thing.
  12. forgotten1

    forgotten1 New Member

    Good job Mirier, your almost at a whole month!
  13. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,
    Keep going. This is awesome.
    If had been PMOing for these 74 days I figure I would have spent over 80 hours on PMO.
    That is 2 full weeks of work!!!
    We must have unlimited potential without this sickness in our souls.
  14. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 28 - No PMO

    Well it was bound to happen but I parried off a direct attack last night.

    Yesterday was a very fun day. Went to this all day class on a topic I'm very interested in and met a bunch of like minded people who were (are) interesting to work with and talk to. Went to dinner with friends, drank a bit and came home around 10:15. Got my 13 year old to bed which happened very quickly as she was very tired.

    Then I must have fantasied a bit about porn and the galleries - that they are just waiting there for me and how great I'll feel. And truthfully, I think I would have felt great for the first 45 minutes to an hour. Of course the next two hours after that would be a slow decline into irritability and depression and would finally end with a sense of relief, exhausted and a pretty decent headache rather than the promised ecstatic joy but then that's just how it plays itself out with me.

    Instead, however, I choose not to follow that path. The useful thing is arguments against viewing porn came up as well - like, I've been through this before and know its going to end miserably, I'll relapse several times over the next few days, I don't want to write in my journal that I relapsed, I am so close to one month that it would be disappointing to not get there, and etc.

    Better than the arguments though is that I have created a bit of mental space. It was clear to me that the grip of porn just wasn't as solid. That I actually have gotten to a place in my rewiring to make choices and not just simply fall into the same old addictive patterns. That I had developed enough control as to be able to reasonably see the negative consequences through the fog of my desire to watch porn.

    Because from a visceral point of view that's what I wanted to do - I wanted to watch, masturbate and orgasm to porn.

    But I'm learning through this process that just because I viscerally feel something is good (or bad for that matter) that doesn't automatically make it good or bad. Thank's to this process I am beginning to have confidence that I can make those choices even in the face of these very strong visceral urges.

    I had been waiting for this particular battle to take place for awhile now and was always a bit concerned how I'd react. Sure my confidence has been high that I believed I'd weather through this but until you do you never really know. So now I know.

    Because I really doubt these visceral urges for porn are over. They may never be over I suppose. But the ability to intentionally choose the path I wish is definitely beginning to develop and is becoming something I am gaining confidence in.
  15. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 30 - No PMO

    This is a satisfying day. The last few days have been problem free. I have not been thinking about porn or masturbating. It's a relief not to have such a weight on my shoulders.

    So if you will allow me a little self-congratulation. It is now over one month since I last PMO'd. Obviously this journey is not over. But for me to even go this far feels like a breakthrough. I had originally stated a reboot of 60 days and I did such a low number because part of me really had some serious doubts that I could even make it to 30. But now that I am at 30 I feel like there is a greater hope in making it well beyond 60.

    I greatly appreciate hearing about of all of your experiences - where you all have succeeded and even where you all have not. It's all good information and support for each of us. The fact is, without this group I had never come close to going this far without PMO'ing. All of these 30 days are through that support.

  16. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,
    Unfortunately I relapsed after 75 days so I'm on day 2.
    What I've learned is that this sickness can literally sneak up on you.
    So even though you're entitled to pat yourself on the back, still be vigilant.
    Well done so far Mir.
  17. Mirier

    Mirier New Member


    Thanks for the encouragement and the warning. That is one thing that is so valuable about reading other people's experiences. There is both inspirational tales and cautionary tales.

    take care,
  18. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,
    I hope you are still counting days in double-digits.
    Tomorrow I hope to be back in the double-digits again.
    Be well,

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