Passage way to Freedom

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mirier, Apr 23, 2012.

  1. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    So today had a different flavor to it. For the past 9 days I really haven't had any desire for any porn or to masturbate and that still holds true for porn. But for the entire morning and then again on the ride home this afternoon (and right now) I have felt a strengthening desire, well not to masturbate and I wouldn't say horny exactly but definitely a heighten level of energy that has a sexual component (how is all that for clarity).

    I will say that at first I assumed it was a desire to masturbate but I realized that I was tending to associate this feeling with the feeling to masturbate and right now, that doesn't seem at all clear to me that that is true. I also noticed that I was feeling very extroverted, jovial and confident with co-workers. And I thought - you know, you might just be feeling good. And you know, feeling good might just include the feeling you usually have when you are intimate with someone.

    So I take it as a sign of progress. More synaptical re-routing at work. If I don't reaffirm the PMO pathways through PMO then this synaptical re-routing can take place. I said this again but I feel very much like I'm approaching uncharted territories and I really have no sense as to what to expect.
  2. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    Yeah, for me the tense feeling isn't exactly "I must masturbate". It's more general than that. Sexual, but not with PMO as the necessary or even consciously intended solution.

    It is strange that sexual tension is such a foreign feeling to us. I think the easy availability of PMO got us in the habit of releasing all sexual tension immediately. We're just not used to it.

    That didn't used to be the norm. Couples used to enjoy sexual tension. And women, of course, still do enjoy sexual tension. It's foreplay to foreplay for them, not a problem to be solved. To women, sexual tension is just a wonderful part of the experience of getting to know someone they are attracted to.

    But we men got out of the habit of simply enjoying sexual tension. With PMO, we discovered an easy release to sexual tension and we used it at every opportunity. Hell, for some long stretches of time I pretty much PMO'd whenever I could PMO. My definition of "sexual tension" was "whenever it is physically possible to ejaculate."

    Not normal. And certainly a foreign idea to our ancestors. To them, sexual tension was "that great feeling you enjoy until the even greater feeling of real sex happens." To our ancestors, "edging" was what we would call "dating."

    They had the right idea.
  3. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    It's an exciting thing. I different world to explore. I look forward to it.
  4. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 10 - double digits.

    I just woke up and recapped yesterday in previous posts so I don't have much to add right now. I feel pretty calm and relaxed about things. This reboot has been going well so far and I sincerely feel a strength of resolution that I have not had ever. I don't want to lose this momentum. I also know that I have slipped up in the past under what seemed innocuous circumstances. So I must stay mindful that I am in reboot. That PMO is not option. No peeking, no fantasizing no excuses are to be tolerated - like you are doing so well, let's celebrate with 10 minutes of porn - or something of that ilk.
  5. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,
    Congratulations on reachin 10 days of no PMO.
    When I was reading an earlier post of yours I noted you seemed to be on an emotional rollercoaster.
    A lot of us have had the same ride.

    I read that for about 40 days your body is really seething with dopamine and it's craving. So if you get through the 40 days then the ride will get less bumpy.
    keep trying,
  6. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Feeling very tired, haggard and and crabby especially as the day moves from afternoon and evening. I've noticed a rise in lingering looks at women throughout the day over the last few days both in quantity and in length. A little stronger today. Also a little bit of fantasizing. I put a stop to it and remind myself of what I'm doing and that helps and its not as if I actually have a desire to masturbate but I know this pattern. I've been here before. It's something I have to be mindful of, keep clear my intentions and maintain my resolve. Indulging in PMO is not going to chase these demons away. It's like fly paper. It just guarantees I get to do this all over again and again (wasn't that a twilight zone hell?).

    When I'm like this my defenses are lowered, I don't have much mental resiliency and feel slightly imbalanced. I just need to do some things that help me feel good like walk the dog and write this journal. I just don't like feeling this way and I think my habitual tendency is to deal with that emptiness with PMO as if that makes it go away. It's funny how that is always the promise but never the result. I also realize that indulging in PMO at these times is just an attempt to escape from having to feel crappy. Which if I'm really honest about, I really feel more sleepy than anything else. Everything else is just emotional projection.

    Staying strong and committed to a brighter future.
  7. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 11 - No PMO.

    I feel I have to state that as I was challenged a bit last night and even this morning. Just short fantasies. Old images flipping through my mind - like a series from a photoshoot. This happened several times. I stopped myself quickly each time though and found something active to do which did the trick. I'm happy though that given this took place (and let's face it sometime like this was going to and is going to happen again) my resolve was strong. I know many of you have passed through more difficult tests than this and made it through, so I had confidence it could be done. Besides I've read a number of journals describing the chaser effect after relapsing and didn't wish to go there. This addiction may lie to me saying 'it will be just a quick bit of fun which you totally deserve having gone this far' but I know better. It wouldn't be quick, it will end in frustration and guilt, and I'll likely repeat several times over the next few days because that is what happened in the past.

    It's one advantage of a long addiction - you have seen it all before, many times.
    I'll have to watch out for tonight because another pattern is to relapse the night after successfully fending off the force of addiction.
    I'll will say that unlike the past my resolve has never been higher. There is a strength that I get from the support of all of you that I greatly appreciate. This freedom from PMO is something that we can and will accomplish.
  8. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,
    Day 12 for you and still going strong!
    It's good your radar is on the lookout for any triggers.
    Keep your antennae up brother,
  9. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Thanks, gettingthere. I appreciate the support.
  10. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Day 12 completed.

    Things are feeling pretty smooth at the moment. No desire for porn. No desire for masturbation. My mind is calm and relaxed. It feels nice not only because the cravings are minimal right now but because I have had a bit of progress and with that not having the torment of guilt and shame of PMO in my life. I need to remember this sort of feeling when cravings, fantasies, etc are strong because this is a very joyful place to be and the promise that comes with the cravings are a mirage that turns out to be a prison.

    So I'm looking forward to a good day and arriving at the two week mark in a few days. I place I have not seen much of over the last half of my life.
  11. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Mir,

    May two weeks be the beginning of your life without feeling the shame of pmo.
  12. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Thanks Gettingthere.

    As a followup I had a lunch date with a friend of mine today and we were discussing summer plans. I mentioned I was going to do some short meditation retreats and her comment was that although she was happy for me that I was doing this that she thought that I was a really grounded person and needed it a whole lot less than most others she knew.

    Of course that made me feel good but I also reflected a bit on my reaction internally. There was only a small echo of feeling myself a fraud and leading this double life if you will and also there was this pride that I was becoming exactly the sort of person I aspire to be. That the person who is a fraud is disappearing. I felt like yeah, I am getting it together a bit. The person I actually am and the person people imagine I am are becoming much the same man. I already felt like the future free of this addiction was becoming realized and this was a little taste of what that might look like. Having these positive feelings I also reflected on my resolve to continue on this path. That this was such a better place. A freer, confident place where I wasn't a fraud anymore.

  13. gojoego

    gojoego New Member

    BOOM! That makes me feel so good reading that. Well done mate.

    I completely agree with you when saying finding something to do will stop any urges to relapse.
  14. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    13 days free of PMO

    Last evening into this morning had its share of challenges. I was out socializing and drinking. These are the sorts of activities which can end up being triggers and I could feel them last night. It's funny because they aren't triggers for any sexual reasons they are triggers because I got in the habit of PMO'ing after doing such social activities. And also the alcohol. Nevertheless the cravings I felt I would only recognize as cravings because I have an addiction. Meaning, they felt distant and weak. But I'll say even there that I have in the past decided to view porn with what seemed at the time distant and weak cravings. Just for something to do.

    But right now my resolve and support is too great. I knew I wasn't going to relapse not because I feel like I've beaten this but because I don't want this. I have some sense of the pain this has caused me and the benefits gained by keeping free of porn.

    These are valuable events for me because as I pass through a set of cravings and don't relapse I gain more confidence and trust in my self and ability to accomplish my objectives. I can't thank you all enough as well because its like your stories and experiences form a kind of guard around my mind protecting me from these addictive predators.
  15. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Just an update because the day was unusual and significant. It is a Saturday, been by myself since 2pm and didn't really have anything to do. In otherwords, all things adding up to a day I would definitely spend hours with PMO. Despite this I really felt no desires for porn at all (even though I still find myself looking at women in kind of that longing way and did so several times today). I actually stayed out of the house for much of it because I was concerned that I might relapse if I spent anytime at home by myself. But even when I came home for a few hours there was no reason for concern.

    Given that, when the opportunity to go eat out I did so. Not so much because I felt I might look at porn at this point but because I though it's best to stay on the side of socializing (I would often choose not to go out in the past so that I could spend my time with porn). Even now when I still am more or less by myself (people live on the floor above me but don't come down here) I don't feel any attachment to viewing porn or have fear relapsing. I feel pretty good about my progress.

  16. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    Start of day 15 - 2 full weeks complete.

    I think I'm in a bit of a steady state right now. I don't really feel much in the way of urges or cravings. It would be easy to believe they don't exist except that a beautiful women (whether in image or real life) or a suggestive situation occurs and a flush of dopamine flushes my brain and I think ohh, the pathways are still there. They are helpful in that they remind me that work is still to be done. Given that, I am finding it easy to stay away from porn. I just need to remember to do the little things. Stay positive, keep connected to others, do meaningful activities and stay away from situations likely to present triggers. It's all going pretty well.

    I feel now I need to start looking at what sort of lifestyle I want to have. So far I have been primarily focusing on what is not working and removing it (ie PMO) and letting positive activities (socializing, eating better, meditation, exercise, etc) happen as they happen but not forcing it. I have been reluctant to go too fast which this as any sort of failure or difficulty doing this has in the past been a trigger for relapsing. But on the otherhand, with PMO I have stopped having a life I wish for, so now I would like to start exploring this life without PMO. Now that I've crawled somewhat out of this hole, I can see a little bit of landscape and would like to explore it a bit.
  17. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    I have this book I'm reading called, 'On Monsters' by Stephen Asma, a very one good book from which I'll give you a quote which is appropriate. "Whenever we find monsters, there, too, we also find heroes." If it is true that any of us can think of this addiction as demons (that is monsters), you can also think of your efforts and successes as heroic. In fact, they are heroic because of the monsters (and of course your own strength, resilience, resolve and the support of others).

    The quote comes from a discussion relating a tale from the travels of the Macedonian army lead by Alexander the Great. The quote goes further and relates strongly to our experiences.

    "The Macedonians were intensely afraid to be in such uncharted territory, then wave after relentless wave of dangerous attack came at them from out of the jungle. Yet through they took losses and even occasionally waned in commitment, they ultimately stood their ground again inhuman enemies."

    It's also appropriate that the army had camped out the night before at a place called sweet water lake that is, a place which harboured hope and pleasure and reward. Then with night fall, the attacks had to be weathered and when the morning came, when the dawn broke that's what they were left with, worn out after all they have been through, standing at the shores of sweet water lake, probably all the much sweeter for all of the struggle it took to still be alive.
  18. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    15 complete days of no PMO

    Didn't really do much this weekend but nevertheless that didn't translate into whiling away the time with porn (even though the opportunity was certainly there). Actually I say that and as I have web protection of my phone and computer it is not so clear what level of opportunity I really have. Given that, in the past, I always find a way even if it isn't strictly porn just provocative pictures or something else. The point is, I feel pretty clear headed about the re-boot and don't feel drawn to porn as some kind of solution or opportunity or whatever.
  19. Mirier

    Mirier New Member

    16 days - no pmo

    Actually I feel pretty non-plussed right now. The best I can say is I have no cravings or urges. I supposed its a good thing that I can feel bored or depressed and not feel interested in engaging in pmo.

  20. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Thanks for your journal Mirier - it's very enjoyable to read someone doing so great.

    The fact that you're "non-plussed" at the moment is really encouraging. That's a feeling I really strive towards - it sounds very peaceful.

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