It seems the further I get with my no PMO challenge, the further out of control my internet addiction goes, almost as if one is compensating for the other. It goes without saying that I think this is holding back my ED recovery. So, I've decided to make this journal to keep myself accountable. I've spent at least the last 12-15 hours online, I'm so hungry my stomach's in pain, and I need to cut this out ONCE AND FOR ALL. Enough is enough! I'm not going to make a complicated set of rules to abide by, just that I expect myself to know what I'm using the computer for beforehand, promptly accomplish that task, and leave the computer to do something else. I consider it a relapse if I feel myself losing control on the internet and fall into the autopilot of checking a bunch of procrastination sites I frequent. It's hard to really describe that moment, but I can tell exactly when it occurs. I'm thinking maybe also go 1 week without downloading any TV shows. This would really suck for me since I watch the Daily Show and the Colbert Report (airs 4x/week) and the Big Bang Theory is airing this thursday (absolutely adore that show). Music downloads I don't think are worth restricting, but I might do that too since I have a tendency of playing my music so often I eventually tire of my playlist, even if there are over 1000 songs on it. Perhaps no ipod music, or no music on the computer, even both if I'm feeling particularly nuts. Like I said, inflexible restrictions are troublesome on this type of challenge because of how arbitrary they are, and might paradoxically increase the chance of relapsing. Since this hasn't really been attempted before (there are a couple journals here but they're not frequently updated), this is going to be one hell of a learning process, and I'll probably need a lot of support along the way :-/ The biggest challenge of course is the slippery slope of allowing certain small indulgences (eg/ I just completed a huge work assignment. What does it hurt to have a quick peek at that website) that lead to full-out binges. With no PMO it's pretty clear that you don't watch porn, masturbate or orgasm, with a bit of a gray zone when it comes to fantasizing, real sex, gentle rubbing, etc. With internet addiction pretty much everything is gray zone. So, let's get started. Day 0: I woke up today at 4 pm and am still awake at 9:30 am. My sleep schedule is screwed up beyond belief, which is causing problems with school and has a way of enabling being unproductive on the computer. For example, I'm less likely to be disturbed during the night, and I can't exactly go shopping or get a haircut (or wtv productive thing it is I wanted to do) at 3 in the morning. I feel absolutely terrible right now. I'm starving, I have brain fog, my eyes are bothering me slightly, and I feel ashamed of myself. I can't stop making posts on various forums and checking if people responded to me. I love the validation, I suppose I don't get anything comparable in my everyday life. I am afraid of doing anything else and just want to continue my escapism, no matter how much it hurts my stomach. And it’s not like my fears are even remotely proportional to my response to them. All this is to avoid submitting my CV in a couple places every day, to go update my wardrobe, to wake up and go to sleep at a normal hour, to contact a sex therapist, stuff like that. Well, I have enough awareness right now to cut this out, get something to eat and get some sleep. I am also going to turn off my computer and write out a list of things to do before I turn it back on tomorrow. I’m going to put a note on a looseleaf on my keyboard to remind me of this in case I go right for the computer when I wake up. Really need to buy post-it notes. Edit: 10 am and still on the computer. Getting off NOW.