Overconfident Newbie Feb 2023

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by New Frontiers, Mar 1, 2023.

  1. downunder23

    downunder23 New Member

    Just want to send you more support on here, I have nothing else to add after all that has been said here but just want you to know you have support and keep expressing here whatever you need to express, maybe sharing everything will help just get your head a little straight. You have our support here.
    New Frontiers likes this.
  2. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    So true. Answers are great, but yeah... sometimes you JUST want to vent what's in your head to someone other than yourself because your own brain can be very critical of events. You also know all the listeners on this site went through SOME sort of similar crap, and we're all in the same boat one way or another.
  3. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    136 Days. Reset for the first time. Back to Zero . Horrible experience resetting that counter. Did so well, so easily, for so long. But, after yet another lifeless 100% ED weekend it cracked. This is a full month of flatline total ED. 6 weeks ago my first real ED day since the reboot, happened. Scary, but wrote it off. Even when it was bad BEFORE the reboot, the ED could be coaxed into function, or was a simple "one off" where you skipped the night and just took care of her. But this is A MONTH. With a partner that I am hot for, and is hot for me back. Always willing, no frustrations, and it was dead as a doornail. It started out as "losing it" quickly and not getting it back but recently it's been dead, like ZERO response. I loaded up the old P site, picked ONE clip at random (no searching) and used it. Of course I felt like an alcoholic throwing away sobriety at the time (yes, it all *worked* just fine) Probably the worst part is that a few hours afterwards, I felt so much better and for the last 20 hours my partial randoms are back, morning wood was back next day, thinking about my GF prompted a strong partial twice. Could this past month be a flatline? SO LONG into recovery? It started at around 110 day mark.
    p.s. I even started daily 5mg tadalafil at the start of this "flat line" to no avail.
  4. downunder23

    downunder23 New Member

    Hey New Frontiers, sorry to hear about the set back, I can't imagine what the last month has been like for you, I only get the little twinges of ED occasionally and like you I am in a situation where I have a gf whom I am hot for, she is for me and we have something great together unlike I have had before in my life and still I get those little moments. BUT I can't imagine just what you have been through this last month.

    Stay strong brother every road has its bumps, I am certain you will find a solution to this, but like the saying goes, 2 steps forward, 1 step back BUT in the long run there is progress. Have strength, there will be bumps in the road for you, and this is just a bump, but you will find YOUR solution, and to throw in another cliche, the day is darkest before the dawn, your dawn is will arrive for you..

    ps sorry about all the cliche statements but they made the exact points I am trying to convey :)
    New Frontiers likes this.
  5. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi New Frontiers,

    Brave of you to reset the counter. My own view is that you didn't have to do that. You just had to say that you had lapsed, learn from it
    and not do it again.

    Resetting your counter after so many days might be very demotivating. If it was genuinely a one off, I would have admitted it
    on the site and asked what others thought before deciding to reset the counter.

    In other words, you need to be kind to yourself. Obviously if it is not a one off, or if it went on for hours, then there issue,
    you reset. But if you were just trying to solve ED by a quick look at porn, my own view is that you did not need to reset.

    I know that others may differ, but that is how I see things.
  6. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    I am VERY harsh on myself in general on everything. The thought of just mentioning it, and not resetting, did cross my mind... but to me it would have been a lie that it's been 137 days since viewing porn every time I logged in after that. It is VERY demotivating. Yes, it was once and very short. One single video chosen quickly from the initial page (no hunting) and spent less than 3 minutes total. I didn't even WANT to do it, it was desperation like a drowning person. Thanks for the nice sentiments and care, and yes... it was for no other reason than to try to "break" the month of ED hell, and the strain that has put on me and my "incredibly understanding but not superhuman" GF. I'm looking forward to my next weekend with her and hoping the ED streak really is broken because we miss the actual act so much by now. I really DO need to be kinder to myself in general, but this ED thing only started 10-ish months ago and have NEVER had that, or PE, or any sex problems my whole life. Even when things were bad, or when using PMO, or any other stress. At the start, this reset thing seemed to be the answer to whatever was happening, but now? I'll still stick with it of course, because PMO is not good in general regardless of harm or no harm. (I just dont understand. I used to use Tadalafil for WILD weekends up to a year ago, for sex to 12+ times per wkend! Now I can take that, or double, and nothing happens. It's terrifying, but there were awesome times as recently as 6+ weeks ago! Yeah... you can see the overthinking at work, just in my reply! LOL)
  7. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Yes, I still think you are too harsh. If you are not careful you set yourself up to fail.

    I discuss these things with my recovery partner. During my streak I resorted to MO twice. The reason was that I was
    changed onto a medication that can cause it to be impossible to reach O. And I wanted to find out if that would
    happen with me. My recovery partner and I agreed that it was a slip or lapse, but did not count as a relapse
    to PMO (what the counter measures).

    So you looked at porn for 3 minutes because you were stressed over ED and wanted to know if it meant
    you were unable to get an erection. I count that as a slip or lapse, not a relapse.

    I seriously think you should put your counter back to 131.

    Of course if that incident led to more PMO, there is no question. That would be a serious relapse.

    You are overthinking and being much too hard on yourself. If I were your recovery partner I would
    definitely have said that you should keep your counter going (unless of course there was a next time).

    As I said others on the site might disagree, but all addicts know that they have to put up with slips
    or lapses. The main thing is too learn from them, not to do something that is really demotivating,
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Part of why people struggle with things is that they put unreasonable expectations on themselves. Trying to be perfect is actually more harmful in the long run. I found greater resolve from within when I was able to forgive myself.

    You've already accomplished great things!
    path-forward likes this.
  9. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    Thanks guys. A lot. Really.

    Yeah, seeing that super low counter number is nothing but a constant YOU'RE A LOSER flashing in my face.... but NOT resetting it would be a constant YOU'RE A LIAR flashing in my face. Oh well, it is what it is. No time machines here.

    To SAVILLE specifically... learning to be able to truly forgive myself, or to not put unreasonable expectations on myself all the time, would be worth more to me than all-of-everything-else-ever-discussed, combined. No meds or therapy has ever been able to. I would "pay" anything for that ability before I'd pay for my old 'perfect' sexual abilities to return. It would solve 90% of everything for me.

    (ps. No, there was no more P or PMO after that time. Isolated and once. Followed by a renewed resolve, but tainted with "no longer being perfect from the start" in my mind.)
  10. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    NF - I really sympathize with you on the ED affects so deep into a clean no PMO streak. I am suffering through the same situation. Tho I think my continued peeking at times is likely part of the reason for me.

    Like many here are saying - you very much need to take pride in what you have accomplished and just focus on getting back to staying clean

    Keep a good attitude and strong focus. Things will work out very well for you!
    Saville likes this.
  11. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    New Frontiers,

    As you know I don't think you are a constant lier. Neither are you are loser.

    You really are too hard on yourself and not kind enough to yourself.
    Saville likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I believe that to accomplish anything we must act. That is, we must execute any kind of intervention, no matter how small or even ludicrous it might seem. Not acting on something really isn't an action, it's a non-action. I'm not putting you in this category, or any category, just saying a few things before I get to my point. So, abstention from PMO (which is good) and MO (which is also pretty good) is not an action, it's a reaction, perhaps, to a perceived problem.

    Okay, to my point. Here's what I've done in order to forgive myself and I've done a lot for which I need forgiveness. I was a serial cheater. So, I thanked my morals, which on the whole, were good. Yes, there was a glaring hole in there, but I thanked the morals that had made me a good dad, a good husband before I wasn't, a decent earner, a caring neighbor, and a pretty good citizen. I said out loud, "Thank you morals!" Then, I moved onto my penis, and thanked it for its part in creating beautiful kids and for giving me a lot of fun. I thanked my obese body, my stretch marks, my stomach (I take medication for reflux), I thanked my esophagus, my liver (I drank quite a bit), my bronchial tubes, which are scarred from pot smoking and growing up in a home where everyone smoked. You get the idea. Even our broken parts deserve thanks. Thanking bits of our body for continuing the good fight eases the tautness of the mind and this in turn allows forgiveness to slowly slip in and sink in.

    I go to yoga, meditation classes, tai chi, and smile a lot. I think these actions have helped me. They have removed me from the hamster wheel, where I used to try and think my way out of everything. I don't know what actions will help you, but I do know it is only through action that we change the narrative. Cheers!
  13. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi New Frontiers,

    I do think that you are putting unreasonable expectations on yourself.

    All of us on this site are very imperfect. We wouldn't be here otherwise.
    I have not just used porn but visited escorts, and I am married.
    That is why I am here. And I don't approve of what I done.
    I think that it has been unfaithful to my wife.

    But there is no point in myself beating myself up about the past.
    What matters is the future.

    Some addiction experts suggest rebooting for 30 days, and you did over 100!
    And then you had a temporary 3 minute slip. I have had urges during
    my present streak and have resorted to MO twice.

    You need to set an attainable goal, not an unattainable one. None of us
    are perfect, and all are in danger of slipping. But the normal advice
    in addiction circles is to realise what you have done, forgive yourself,
    realise that rebooting is tough, but carry on, having learned from
    the slip.

    It is not as if you spent an hour or hours on PMO, edgeing all the
    time. But that is what all of us on this site have done (before
    we started rebooting).

    It might help to read Feeling Good by David Burns. This tells you
    how to deal with negative thoughts. Everyone who gets down
    is over-critical of themselves, and it really doesn't help you.

    I speak as someone with severe bipolar mood disorder, and during the
    down periods I am severely over-critical of myself, full of feelings of shame
    and guilt.

    Do you think that you might be depressed, even if slightly?
  14. downunder23

    downunder23 New Member

    New Frontier, once again I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said here, and said in ways that I could not say better myself. But I do want to add my voice to the support here and encourage you to practice kindness to yourself and I want to lend you the strength and encouragement to continue on your journey here, you are not alone in this brother as all the support here shows. Be strong and kind to yourself. You got this!!
  15. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    Thanks everyone. A lot. I will continue my best efforts, and really try to be kinder to myself but a true epiphany would be nice. Haha. Last week was a lot more 'good spirits' and a lot less self loathing.

    Also, not that this is "THE goal" but wanted to share that the month-plus streak of 100% flatline ED finally gave way somewhat this past weekend. Yay. It would go up for about 10 seconds at some point, then start going down and be GONE. Unrecoverable. But my awesome (as I've prev said) GF was determined (lol) and got it started, got the lube on, and sat on top... all in under 5 seconds... and it kept working for a good 5+ minutes! Good god it was so nice, for both of us. Baby steps. Just gotta get this noggin on straight more than anything.
    Saville and path-forward like this.
  16. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    New Frontiers. Thanks for sharing that! So happy you got some positive feedback in the bed room! And I admit - it's also encouraging for me - as I am also suffering through a flat line/ED period myself. And while it may not be the "Goal" in and of itself - it sure is a huge part of the overall motivation to stay clean!

    And God bless your GF - she sounds amazing! I am also very fortunate that my wife is equally patient right now. Hope it continues for both of us!

    Keep it going man! You are clearly making a strong effort and showing great progress in controlling your addiction.

    it's great inspiration for me as well! Keep fighting!!
    Mozenjo and New Frontiers like this.
  17. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    @Nee Frontiers

    Congratulations! You really are making progress, and it is great the your gf and you made it.

    The first step is to think about your good qualities. Why not write them down?
    path-forward likes this.
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    As a fellow flat liner whose noggin is also struggling to get straightened out, I have to echo the others and say 'hooray' for the minor miracle that performing after a long stretch is. I've been there several times in the past year, and I would say I'm still in my relationship because the equipment works just when things are looking really bleak. The problem, of course, is letting the habit come back and bite us in the ass again, which continues the cycle. So...stay the course!
    path-forward likes this.
  19. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    It's been about 2 weeks since my last check in, so here it goes. I was on a 9 day staycation with my GF. It was really nice. My head was on straight for a good part of the time together. Still have some ED related issues, most notably what was noted before... going soft about a minute into foreplay, then no recovery afterwards. The one time this happened it DID recover though, but took about 2 hours. Trying, or waiting for recovery is like trying to remember that name you forgot, or where you put something... it doesn't work at all until you stop thinking about it a long while. Watched pot never boils kinda thing. We hit it 4 times in those 9 days and they all went very well in the long run because she hopped-on almost immediately. I know she misses extended foreplay and has delicately said so, and I often just take care of her when it happens but that gives HER a bit of reverse performance anxiety (or just a sort of guilt feeling) that she was unable to do the same for me. Have kept off the PMO, but have found myself looking at P-subs-type-stuff here and there under the old guise of 'getting my motor running' when feeling unsexual or my head not being on straight. It's funny (not haha) how humans can resort to smaller crutches when feeling weak, or removing larger crutches. I would like my INITIAL resolve from Feb 1 to return. LOL. It's a bit like people joining a gym on New Years, or starting a new diet, etc. The LONG TERM part is the bitch. As long as my confidence level is up, and stop pre-thinking about my dick 'failing' for the few hours before bed-and-sex, then all is much better mostly. Sounds SO simple to focus on all the success instead of the few mishaps - sure wish it was! But all in all, it IS going better again. That flatline was terrifying and horrible - dont even want to remember it - but maybe it was needed to gain some perspective of how GOOD it really is the rest of the time.
    Saville and path-forward like this.
  20. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    NF - good for you on all the progress you are making! I'm sure the PE issues will subside with time.

    And as you said, the long term is the hardest part about staying clean. Just keep reminding yourself that moderation is not possible for an addict, whether its alcohol, drugs or PMO.

    I fell for the moderation "mind trick" myself last year and am still recovering and working very hard on staying the course this time.

    we can only control the urges with a mindset of 100% clean.

    You are doing so well. Start to focus on finding other emotionally and physically healthy outlets for your time.

    Congrats again on all your progress so far! You are doing great!
    New Frontiers and Saville like this.

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