Overconfident Newbie Feb 2023

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by New Frontiers, Mar 1, 2023.

  1. sufficio

    sufficio Active Member

    One of my big worries is that I'll lose the motivation. I'm finding it easy now, but what happens when it's n o longer new? How do I maintain the motivation? I can't count on feelings to do it, so I think I've got to put in place disciplines and habits, instead.

    And one thing I'm clear on is I have to avoid that. I've even got to watch out for non-porn pictures of women - what were called PSUB's (porn substitutes) on another forum (and may be here, too; I haven't been around that long). The day will probably come when the recovery habit is in place for my chemical dependency, but that day is not yet.
    path-forward likes this.
  2. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    Approaching my 90 day mark so it's time to check in again. Things are going very well IMHO. The PIED seems to be GONE, although anxiety, tiredness, anger, low libido day, etc can all contribute to ED-like moments. While that's very normal, it can still sometimes trigger the PIED or Perf.Anxiety fears from months ago. Also, during the time I'm apart from my significant other each week - that nagging "what if it doesn't work" irrational fear still comes up from time to time because I'm 100% flaccid all week and there were so many years of "boners" all the damn time due to PMO use. The logical part of my brain though is winning out most of the time, reminding me that I'm not supposed to be a hard on without my woman around anyway! Since I'm not going to PMO or MO, what the hell do I need it for? Let the poor little bastard REST. LOL. Today is 81 or 82 days but don't really CARE about milestones or records as I'm firmly set on "never again" at this point, but like to see the count sometimes because it FEELS like it's been 6 months at times. Still NO urge or desire for P at all. Like said in my last update, the MO (without fantasy, etc) still sometimes does - almost exclusively as "the chaser effect" though. Gave in ONCE during the 81-ish days to that effect on feeling alone and it was great at the time, and in a way I kinda needed it because it made me realize how dumb and unnecessary it is afterwards. It's like the shortest acting street drug you could imagine and since you aren't going to "use" again (or binge etc) what is the damn use to a few MOMENTS of fun, that makes you feel WORSE not long after. Oh well. Update on the P.E. issue mentioned awhile back.... it's pretty much gone. Fears persist inbetween sex encounters, but have not been a real world problem in several weeks. It's STILL a bit difficult to judge when I'm going to cum though, as there is no real build-up tension (like climbing the scale from 1 to 10) sex feels like a 4 or 5 on the scale the entire time then like a light switch... 9.5 hits instantly with no real time frame. Sometimes I can stop and delay, others... well... tomorrow is another day. LOL. ALL IN ALL... this has been an experience and a half but almost completely for the GOOD. I'm so happy for finding these resources, texts, and all the other men sharing like brothers. Kudos to you all.
    Edited addition. I've also noticed recently that I'm not objectifying hot women I see in stores, the gym, etc. I'd LOVE to say it is from new found respect blah blah blah but mostly it's that without P or FMO or even MO... that "M" fuel no longer has a point. Staring at their ass or chest and imagining it undressed or committing it to memory has no purpose. SURE, I will still notice them of course, but that's about it.
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2023
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    This is very inspiring! It's a roadmap for getting out of the smut rut. Congrats on your good work!
    New Frontiers and path-forward like this.
  4. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    Even though this is an ongoing, and forever life change... I still would like to say:
    *** FINALLY HIT MY 90 DAYS TODAY! *** So happy. No P or Psubs or PMO, No F or FMO either.
    All is going very well, but of course not problem free. What is? Right? Bumpy road is smoothing more and more though!

    (Have to admit to two instances of quick MO with no F or P during this 90 days though, for full disclosure. Both f'ing chasers! Having an unplanned time home alone, bored, so soon after sex when you're ready for round 2? Got me twice in 3 months. )
  5. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    I find your report really encouraging. I'm aiming at 90 days and no P ever again. Something over a month to go. Yes have thought about M (triggers boredom or emotion) but not given in.
    Many thanks for posting about your 90th day.
    New Frontiers likes this.
  6. sufficio

    sufficio Active Member

    First, congrats; that's huge. Second, I had to do a search to find out that the "F" in FMO stands for "fantasizing". I'm clearly not as bright as I look. (As bright as I look? Maybe it's a good thing I can't post a profile picture...)
  7. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    I've been unable to post a profile picture either. Tried lots of variations, even copying someone else's just to see if it worked. None do. No biggie, but still !!
  8. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    This past weekend was strange. True ED issues for the FIRST time since starting this reboot/rewire. There was a rough period with PE being a big problem for a number of weeks, but the getting/keeping it up... was a fricken breeze, and just kept getting better. For 1.5 months it's stayed up even with distractions, phones ringing, and far worse. No problem. Almost a flatline response when trying this whole weekend, and when it did finally work after lots of coaxing - it deflated at the slightest tiny lack of focus. The one time we just gave up, the other 2 times it worked but was wonky and a real challenge. No new problems or stress or anything like that on my mind, although after a total fail and a barely-made-it, there was a bit of anxiety over what was happening. Yes, I know life is fraught with ups and downs. LOL. But this was just... STRANGE. (the old temptation of "wanting to prove it works" by PMO was really bad for an entire day, the first time in 3 months. But I resisted.)
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It can be frustrating, even devastating, at times, but we are giving ourselves a gift by staying clean.

    There are times where we aren't going to feel sexual and we have to learn that that's okay. The times we are not inclined toward sex are because we have other things to do. We must also write our book, compose a song, build the shed, climb a mountain, etc.

    From where I'm sitting you're doing great!
    Mozenjo and path-forward like this.
  10. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    Thanks. Sometimes I kinda need to hear that (as much as I hate to admit it) simply because I'm SO hard on myself internally for everything.
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  11. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    Checking in. Not much to share, been rather busy with life/work/unrelated issues. Still P free at 111 days as of today, no urge to go back and sometimes remember how just 3+ months ago that the idea of "no porn" for more than like 5 days or so - seemed crazy and impossible. As mentioned earlier, there were a couple of M incidents (chasers) awhile ago but even those aren't nagging at me much any more. The unexpected ED weekend 3 weekends ago, was repeated to a lesser extent the following week AGAIN, which bothered me, but I kept telling myself "What's the rush? There is always next week, and the next, etc" Shit happens, and she is still the supportive goddess as always. Repeating the idea that I'm undoing 40 years of habit/addiction, and am less than 4 MONTHS into PM sobriety? Yeah. Reality! Just kind of waiting for that sharp PTSD-like anxiety that I get (when things don't work, or work well) to fade more and more... that will be amazing.
    path-forward likes this.
  12. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    NF. Great post! You are def doing the work - inspiring stuff!

    Sorry for the bouts of ED, which sound more performance anxiety related - something that has plagued me on and off my entire life back to even high school.

    I think many of us tend to over think our dicks - finding that spontaneous unplanned sexual activity surprises us with things working just fine.

    I take 5 mg of generic cialis each day - so that I never need to plan sex. And after a few days of heart burn - found the cialis not affecting me.

    Keep up your great effort! Motivating to me and many others here.
  13. sufficio

    sufficio Active Member

    Right! I forgot about that... even with the short time I have, it seems so different now.

    Right. I need to keep some friggin' perspective.
    New Frontiers likes this.
  14. downunder23

    downunder23 New Member

    Just want chime in here and just say that your statement about undoing 40 years of habit/addiction is something that I will take to heart as someone just new on this journey. I have heard this type of thing before (outside of the context of this issue), and like they say repetition is the key to learning so it is great have this fact reinforced here. And to hear it from someone who is doing so well in this process, it certainly is inspiring to someone just starting out and recognising that yeah this process is one where we are trying to undo a habit of a life time and that this process is a journey that we undertake, it's not like when we hit 90 days bam we are cured forever and can stop doing all the work but this is a process that we will have to do all the time. Thank you for sharing your story, I for one will draw inspiration from it as I start out on my journey with this issue and will take to heart the reality check that I am endeavoring to undo a life time of habit and know that I will have my ups and downs but in the end the results I could achieve like you will be absolutely worth it.
    New Frontiers likes this.
  15. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    I wish this could be another uplifting and happy comment, but it's been a difficult 3 weeks since my last post. The entire past 3 weeks have been horrible ED, just like before starting this journey. Unable to even penetrate, as the erection only lasts about 20 seconds and does not return (it used to be a challenging return with sufficient calm and coaxing - even before the reboot) Yes, I'm painfully aware that it is a snowball effect where each failure just adds to the anxiety surrounding it. The anxiety is impervious to logic though, and find myself obsessing on it more and more. Remembering how AWESOME everything worked, just isn't helping me. I broke down and MO'd about 10 days ago, and tried to again the next day and even that could not stay up. Even my super supportive GF that I routinely brag about on here - is getting a bit fatigued and impatient at all the "trying" to get/keep me 'up' only to be as soft as play dough with her going above and beyond to help. Even took a 10-day hiatus from anything AT ALL (like I did when I started all this in Feb) only to feel like I was having an effing heart attack exploding through my chest when trying and hadn't even realized I "lost it" until trying to "go in" and it was mush. It's really affecting me on a daily basis (churning in my head) now. This process is definitely not linear or predictable! There wasn't even any reason for the initial loss, so I shrugged it off as some sort of subconscious fatigue or whatever and didn't bother me much but each time after is just snowballing. Maybe sharing on here will be better for me than just attempting to rationalize in my own head ( yeah, that works... lol ) Maybe I was just "due" for a major hiccup? It's just horrible how all the OLD self-loathing and unmasculine self-esteem issues rush back SO FAST. (On the worst depressing day I actually, for the first time, wanted to go visit my old P site. Went as far as disabling all my shields (a real chore) and typing in the address and seeing the greeting screen... but got disgusted in the same manner as when quitting pills years ago and would sit there with one in my hand and a bottle of water in the other - staring at it, wanting to swallow it so bad but stopping. Yeah, that bad.)
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2023
  16. DBA

    DBA Active Member


    Have you tried either sidenafil or tadalafil? If not, they might get you over the hump. Once you fail you just get performance anxiety, and
    a little help would get you over that.

    Forgive me if you have already tried them.
  17. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    I have plenty, but have 95% quit them after starting this reboot. Would sometimes hit a single 5mg at the start of the weekend if I knew it would be stressful, busy, etc. In most cases it was actually an ANNOYANCE to use them because I'd pop a boner all damn day on it (LOL) at a simple hug, or her putting her hand on my thigh in the car!

    Over the past few weeks when this current issue started, yes... I dug them out and tried 5, 10, 15 mg on demand and even (this past week) tried the "5mg every day in the week" thing thinking that a constant low dose might be better than a single big hit. Really made ZERO difference which also worried me even worse, as in the past they were kind of a "golden ticket" type of thing. (bear in mind we only see each other on weekends, holidays, etc)
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2023
  18. DBA

    DBA Active Member


    The fact you only see each other on weekends and holidays adds to the performance anxiety.

    What happens if you MO? Do you get ED then? And still if you use Cialis?

    My own view is that having rebooted (and you have done 130 days) MO is fine so long
    as it doesn't lead back to PMO.

    You will understand why I say that if you look at the thread I started under Porn Addiction
    called The Truth about Porn and ED. The danger of internet porn is the infinite variety.
    That is not involved in MO without porn or fantasy, just self-love.
  19. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    NF - I am very sorry to hear of your anxiety and share your pain. I am currently having my own frustrating bout of performance anxiety as well. I have had them going back to being a teen, so I unfortunately have a bit of muscle memory with them.

    In regard to your gf - one suggestion. Pleasure her first, before trying to focus on pleasing yourself - in whatever manner works for her. With my wife - Its usually oral, though she also enjoys a vibrator, while I pleasure and touch her as well. Hope not triggering or TMI for some folks here.

    I find this takes some of the pressure off the situation and also frankly makes your SO a bit more sympathetic, as at least she was satisfied physically. Tho ofc its also emotional for our partners to feel they have satisfied us as well.

    While I sympathize that this is a tough situation. This will pass. You just need to remind yourself of your prior performance and give it some more time.

    One thought is to only focus on her pleasuring you outside of intercourse. There is less pressure to perform that way. This is what we are doing right now until things are working well again

    Btw - I also take 5 mg each day. While it is not always a "golden ticket" for me - it does help overall and also gives me a greater sense of confidence, that this is only in my mind and just needs some time to work itself out.

    Hang in there brother! Things will get better for both of us!
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2023
    StarWarsFan likes this.
  20. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    One person sent me a PM and was inline with the responses on here too. The words Performance Anxiety are vague and typically relate to your fear of being unable to please your partner (from context). I don't know how to say this without sounding like a bragging arrogant jerk, but here goes! Sorry!! I am a fricken rock god with my GF, when the damn dick works! Have NO problem getting her off in almost any position *sometimes* even twice! (if she's well rested and feels good LOL) I really have NO fear whatsoever about pleasing her, and can (and do) take care of her business regularly regardless of my problems. It's just that the damn dick will randomly start going limp the past few weeks (sometimes without me even noticing) and when it does... it's done. No matter what she or I try, it won't come back at least until the next morning. The problem is the snowballing WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? that plagues my (regular) anxiety- prone mind, along with the ridiculous fear that THIS TIME it might be permanent - despite past history proving otherwise.

    "Anxiety" looks at "logic" as if it's speaking Klingon. If I get it back the next morning and all goes well, so does my brain. The past is the past and all that. This has happened a few times since the reboot, and a number of times BEFORE it - but this is the longest it's gone with NOTHING working and it's killing me since the anxiety is running for SO VERY long, instead of just a night or so. (sorry for sounding dramatic)

    PS (Incidentally, I did do the "she comes first" method last weekend before even trying anything else... thinking exactly what you all said... that KNOWING she is done, and seeing her get off, might help me in the long run. Have done that many times even before this just for the heck of it. Nope!! Had about 20 seconds worth of hardness then it was gone for good. This wkend, one try was to attempt sex first and after failure and attempt to jump-start... I switched to ONLY her needs (which worked fine) but she misses "me" after all this time)

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