Overcoming internal shame

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Mr RR, Jan 25, 2019.

  1. Mr RR

    Mr RR New Member

    Today I was reading a book ''No more Mr Niceguy' in this book Dr Robert Clover has suggested that as a nice guy we have many traits and to escape them we resort to different compulsive behaviors like porn and Masturbation.We develop toxic shame within ourself.To get our life back we need to overcome this shame by expressing our dark secrets with some safe people. As revealing your darksecrets helps us to overcome fast and helps us to get out of that shame.

    My question is I am suffering from PIED and was porn addict for almost 15 years
    Do I share this secret like '' I cant hav erectction at all' to some safe people in my life .Will it help me overcome my shame and help me to gain my lost self esteem?? Does expressing my self helps in faster rebooting ?Has anyone tried doing this in real life ??? Pleasesuggest and share your experience.
     
  2. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Dude I just don’t have the balls to tell anyone. Only person I’ve ever told is my mom.
    Honestly, I think we should be transparent about our addiction. But it’s really up to you

    Personally, I don’t think it’s wise to share with everyone. Since this might affect your work and relationships.

    I believe it would definitely be easier if we told others though. Makes you accountable and relieves a heck of a lot of stress!
     
  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @Mr RR I think the answer is in your post. "Some safe people" is key here. You're not going to tell everybody.
    I'm not a 12-step guy. It just never clicked with me, but I think steps 4 and 5 deal with what you're talking about:

    Step 4
    Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
    Step 5
    Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

    Will it work? Who knows, but confessing every last thing to at least one person is a cornerstone of those groups and there is plenty of proof those groups work for some people. It seems to me that as long as your find that safe person, you're not going to be any worse off for trying this technique you read about.
     
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  4. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Hey Tico well done for reading the book and being honest with yourself. I have also readt Glover.

    I was part of a mens support group for a few years. There was one man in the group who read this book and began sharing all the things he was ashamed of, once he felt comfortable and trusted the group.

    He said that it was the biggest help he got advise wise from the group.

    Google Mankind Project.
     
  5. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Hey Johnny that was Joshua who read the 12 step AA book if that’s what you’re referring to.

    That MKP looks interesting! I’ll research further ...
     
  6. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I was just thinking about the same issue and how I am embarassed to tell anyone that I have an addiction to porn and that I MO a lot. But I was considering talking to my doctor... definitely a safe person. Frankly, I cannot begin to see how I would bring this up with even my closest friend. I think that the safe person needs to be a bit more distant from me.
     
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  7. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    I think talking to somebody about your issues is a good thing, but you have to be careful who you talk with. Even close friends may find this kind of thing too personal or too squeamish. I don't know if a doctor who has never personally experienced these kinds of issues can truly understand. I've never had cancer, and while I've had people close to me tell me what's it like, there's still a level of not being able to relate. I'd look for those support groups where others understand what you've been through.
     
  8. I wouldn't recommend it personally. I tried talking about and mainly got ridiculed. Meditation helps, so does excercise and eating right.
     
  9. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    I really admire those who are completely open about it. Not only does it take a huge amount of guts. But a greater amount of not giving a S$&@ about what others and the whole world thinks as well.

    I remember Noah Church in a video saying it’s a crazy feeling. Walking around in the world as if you were completely naked. Everyone knows everything about you. There’s just nothing to hide anymore. Must be so liberating...

    Anyways he says he gets almost always good comments from people. Only a few haters every now and then.
     
  10. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Hey man, I’ve only been able to tell my mom! And that was Freakin’ haard!
    Thought about it but just won’t dare tell my friends. They would ridicule me 4 life !! lol

    But I might have to. I’m getting questions every now and then about why I barely ever talk about getting laid or why I haven’t had a girlfriend in years!
     
  11. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    I'm not trying to sell you a copy, but I pretty much came out and told my story in a book I wrote while I was in jail. My PMO grew to the point that I started talking to women in chatrooms and then, the police dropped by to let me know one of them wasn't yet a woman. Anyway, spoilers. My point is, it's all out there. I was brutally honest and I'm glad I did it. The double-edged sword part of it is that the book has got me on like 50 podcasts and radio shows and has led to giving presentations -- so I'm assuming I'm helping people, but now anybody who knows me knows the details of what happened if they read the book. I've had some members of my family read the book, tell me it was good and have follow-up questions, I've had family members who said they've read the book and when I asked if they like it they just say, "It was really hard to read because I know you" and then move on to the next subject and then there are people like my wife and mother who have specifically not read it because they don't want to re-live the drama we went through five years ago.
    If you put a gun to my head and said I had to tell everyone who was willing to listen what happened or tell nobody, I'd say tell those who are interested, but make sure that they are really interested and ready to handle it. It's not one of those things that you can un-tell. I would add if your friends would ridicule you for life, those aren't the kind of friends you want to have. And stay away from incel groups. They're just a bit too crazy.
     
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  12. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Your doctor can be trusted. Go for it.
     
  13. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    Thanks for sharing.
    I’m not proud of my past either. Porn led me to do inappropriat things with a lot of people. It really just rots your mind ...
    And it’s been the hardest thing Ever to recover. I’m glad I’m in a way better place now mentally : )
    And I agree I really wouldn’t share my past with just anybody. A lot of people just can’t understand.
    Glad you’re doing better Joshua!
     
  14. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    @Tico and Joshua

    What has worked in bigger picture thoughts for me, is instead of saying "porn is wasting my life. I am a loser. These years behind me were rotten and have no value."

    Reframe it. It is part of your destiny.

    If I were to buy the myth that porn has ruined my quality of existence, then before giving it up, that would mean my previous years were somehow horrible; as if "they could have been better." And if you do this, you will feel cheap and ripped off. As if Life has short changed you. "If only there was no porn, how beautiful I would be."

    Drop this.

    However long it takes you to unlearn porn is however long it is meant to take. If it means 3 years or one month, so be it.

    Trust your timing.

    Joshua, great courage to you for your boldness in honesty.
     
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  15. TicoFap

    TicoFap New Member

    @Johnny

    I agree. I guess we were just venting here lol.
    It also doesn’t make sense to think about a possibility that never could’ve been. Ie: you can’t change the past, only the present. And the future is yet to come.

    Also, when I go back and think, how foolish of me. If only I had known better, etc. I would’ve relived those years which such greater joy... blah blah blah that internal dialogue. I realize that I’m pretty Dammn sure that not only in this universe, but in every possible universe I definitely would’ve made the same mistake of indulging myself in porn and my addictions. It’s just so perfectly clear to me that my past was inevitable. I just had to go through that experience and realize where I was wrong. And in which areas I was weak and had to improve myself. Now I’m glad I finally understand and am proud of myself. I’m so much closer to my goal.

    I can only keep getting better as a human being
     

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