Outroverts - Introverts wanting to get out & socialize [GROUP] (5 spots left)

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by Omega Man, Jul 4, 2013.

  1. Giles

    Giles Member

    Thanks for your comments Going Stoic. I have heard others talk about this 'Mr Nice Guy' thing. Perhaps I will look into this some more, it can only help. There is a book I think some people have recommended, does anyone know of it? If not, I'm sure I will see it posted elsewhere...

    [EDIT] I have just found it, sitting in my amazon basket already - No More MR Nice Guy by Dr Robert A Glover - I will get this right away!!!
  2. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    I re-read your post GStoic cause last time I posted I didn't have the time to reply directly although I related to parts of it. It appears you have a good sense of yourself and human nature, and I think it's great you're catching it at this age in your life and starting to build more confidence to be less passive. It took me a little longer to see my patterns when I was pre-35 or maybe I just ignored my dissatisfaction because I was content with my few friends. I think having a career you want should help a lot. I agree that it will be uncomfortable to make changes in how we act with friends and acquaintances, and most likely there will be some disappointments (another fucking learning experience as my friend likes to joke) along the way. As an introvert, I tend to think I am more selective/sensitive about who I connect with, but that could lead to good friends.

    Thanks for the suggestion with my predicament with this friend. Helped me focus on my intentions as I'll be going to hang out with her today. I will let you all know how it it goes. As I said, I intend to be honest about my real interests and if I sense I want to go deeper about the relationship will be more honest about it. It's been a long time since I seen her so I may need a couple visits to remind myself of our relationship dynamics. I'm glad though that I'm willing to face it and not just ignore her as we have some good memories as friends.
  3. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Sure know that "pissed off" feeling Giles! I have been told by friends I am a good listener, too. It does have it's perks (i.e, a prerequisite for intimacy after all). I used to take it as a compliment, but if I hear it now, I would think, "sure why don't you do the same for me!" So I do catch myself keeping some kind of internal record as Gstoic says. I still can remember when I was dating this girl I was very attracted to when I was in my 30s. It was late at night and I was listening to her for along time. After being patient and supportive, I decided to tell her about my inner world. After the first sentence I spoke, she said she was tired... I was so disheartened, confused, and angry. We eventually did become sexual active, so I suppose that's why I put up with it for a while. In the end, I felt used—even sexually believe it or not—and I let her know I was upset.

    Presently, I am trying to practice being more of an "active" listener. Be a supportive a listener and simultaneously checking in with myself for what's going on with me. I did this with my closest friend the other day when we talked on the phone for few hours. I was aware I was becoming depressed after he went on and on about his marital problems. I told him, I care about his situation, but it was hard to hear about his problems after a while cause it was have an "downer" effect on me. Fortunately, he's understanding, and afterwards I felt my energy rising up.

    I have not read "No more Mr. Nice Guy." I know Phoenix Rising liked it. I found a free PDF of it online and want to read it (I can't find the link anymore). I will reserve my opinions about it until after I read it. I imagine i will relate to it, but I think the ways to navigate feeling "stepped on by people" may be more complex and individual than a pop psychology book would prescribe. I'll read it anyways. I also want to get a hold of an audio of the "War of Art." I'm finding keeping inspired is huge for me.
  4. Giles

    Giles Member

    It's nice to know we're not alone in our experiences, isn't it?

    I took my laptop to a cafe yesterday and sat there for 30 minutes or so - thanks for the suggestion OM. There was really nothing to it once I'd got there and I probably got more work done than I would have done at home. So, I will definitely try this again.
  5. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    The book is not really a solution ofcourse. But it gives some insight in things I didn't think about. I also found it here.

    I also have the war of art in pdf. Need to finish it, because procrastination is one of my biggest problems. If I would really focus all my effort, I could be exponentially more succesful and creative.
  6. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Some great posts GoingStoic. You nailed it with the gossip/drugs/sex bragging, and the "tag-along socializing". I'm sorry to report that that stuff still goes on in your 30s and 40s.

    I think some have hit upon the cause, and it may be the passive approach to life, activities and socializing. I too have always relied upon the motivation of others to set up things to do, instigate get-togethers, throw parties. When I pulled away from the drinking social scene I used to be a part of, I realized I didn't know how to do any of this myself.

    On the other hand, it has resulted in spending more time with like-minded people who are more intellectual in their socializing. Unsurprisingly they are fewer in number. But the experiences are more of my liking. They tend to be less about "doing something" (or "getting drunk"), and more about conversation. Conversations where the other person actually listens instead of using you as an unpaid psychiatrist as RR puts it.

    I too have silently held resentment at those who pour out their troubles and bragging on me, but have no interest or patience in hearing the things I'd like to discuss. Although I've not read the Nice Guy book, I've read others of similar bent and this behavior is clearly a passive-aggressive Nice Guy maneuver. One expects something silently in return, but never asserts oneself. Then they seethe with anger at the slight.

    I think this probably stems from a scarcity mentality in socializing. We feel our options are so limited, we have to put up with this kind of crap. It's not even "crap", its just that we do not mesh with these sorts of people. I have a theory that the extroverted types who irk me are really just in need of constant attention and fawning. Once I begin to assert independence, the phone rings less, the text messages wane, the invitations stop. Granted, I'm not initiating these things either. I wonder how much of this "shunning" is due to a lack of mutual effort in socializing? Sometimes I feel I must be doing it wrong, because these people are obviously not sitting around by themselves,Mobutu they have stopped calling me.

    It is tough not to point the finger at yourself, especially when you know you're not the most outgoing type. Sometimes I just feel like extroverts and introverts can't get along on any long-term basis. The needs and desired interactions are just too different. There's an initial rush, but it soon burns out.
  7. freedomfromcybersex

    freedomfromcybersex rebooting my brain, reclaiming my body.

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  8. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    Well it seems I underestimated the challenge. I fell back to some old routines when my housemates returned from vacation and when my holidays we're over. It started with some small faillures and then it grew. I also didn't journal and didn't come to the site. It seems I really need to hold myself accountable somewhere.

    Kinda quite here? Are you guys holding on?

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